I Hate who my ex has become but, I love him so much it hurts

[hennypenny]

Hi....I wish my story was something new but, it's ur typical dating issue. Let me begin by describing myself: I'm American Mexican, short, chubby, long brown hair, brown eyes, light skinned, 21 years old now I was 19 when Aaron and I first met. I met Aaron, this great guy, when I was working at a hot dog stand in front of the store he worked at, as a cart attendant. We got to be good friends and I admit I was very attracted to him, he has these amazing green eyes, he's half and half( black and white) very athletic and deaf. It took us 8 months to admit we liked each other....well, at least that's how long it took him to finally ask me out. (he was the first man I ever kissed, ever made love to, he was my first everything) I'm a late bloomer I guess I always wanted to wait until I was 100% sure I was in love We were inseperable for the first month we were together. Then he started listening to his friend who was only interested in physically beautiful morally corrupted young girls. which I never have been able to fall into that catagory. So he dumped me. After a few days, he returned and I took him back. Well, this little dance of break-up and get back together went on for the next 2 years with a grand total of 11 break-ups. To make a long story short, I no longer work at the hot dog stand and he no longer works at the hardware store. He's come back a few times mainly for help (ex rides, food, compassion, etc.) I've always been there for him and recently he's become this person I no longer know.....When he was the one who suggested we hang out and be friends still. He'll ignore me at his new job, walk past me like I don't exist....I've confronted him on his behavior a few months back, when out of nowhere he IM me and told me he was over me and I needed to get over him, and his reply to my question of why does he treat me so differently was because he still has feelings for me. I helped him a few more times with a few rather large money loans and his behavior went right back to ignoring me......whats wrong with me? Us? Him? any advice would b greatly appreciated....I love him so much it hurts

[avman]

I agree with SwingFox here. I think this guy is playing you. He's nice to you when he wants something, then he disappears.

 

It must be very hard for you to see this behavior. Especially since he was your first real love/lover. But I think it is unhealthy for you to continue to interact with this man. Love yourself enough to go on without him. You don't need him. You are a lovable person and deserve so much better. You can get through the hurt, but it will take time and a good strong support network.

 

Here's a good test of his character. Will he agree to sign a repayment note for the loan(s) that you gave him? If he was a straight-up honest person he would. My guess is that he won't. But I'd push him on it anyway. Then if he doesn't repay (which I have every belief that he won't) you have a document that stands up in court. If he refuses to do this - this should be a strong signal to you what kind of person he is. Don't fall for the "baby trust me, of course I'll pay you back" line either.

 

Go out with your friends. Buy something new that you look great in. Spoil yourself for awhile and stroke your own ego. And let us know how you are doing.

[reborn]

Sweety, you must start taking care of you. It sounds like this guy may be taking advantage of you and you seem to blind to get your self out of this terrible situation.

11 breakups is a hell of a lot of breakups henny penny! My jaw dropped open when i read this. I had four with my ex. Well, one was for like 2 days, so I don{t know if it counts, but still 11 breakups show that even if he was your first everything your relationship wasn{t very good to beging with.

Forget about his friend brain washing him. Sometime people do influence others but eventually you realize this, before 11 breakups!!!! It doesn{t seem that you were treated right in this relationship. That you have been and are still being taken for granted.

Because of my own experience and of things I have read I bet your attitude towards this relationship runs deeper than you think. I don{t mean to sound like a phycologist here but it may be that you have some childhood issues or some codependency issues that keep you stuck in a situation where you are getting hurt. Hennypenny, love is not supposed to hurt this bad.

Get a book that maybe has nothing to do with you, but that you may find helpful. Its called women that love too much. also check out internet websites on codependency such as link removed

It is not healthy or self loving to keep loving a person that is giving you nothing positive in return. Love your self henny, you are a wonderful person and you are worth it. You deserve to be loved, not treated like Aaron is treating you. Get your self to the root of this situation. Read about the stuff I suggested, you may find some helpful answers.

Best of luck to you.

-Reborn

[hennypenny]

I have read everyones replies and as niave as it sounds I still love him....which is why I am writing again.....Yesterday I was going to pay some bills and as I pulled over to drop some letters off at the mail box He(Aaron) rode his bike right up along side my car. Not wishing tobe rude I began talking with him. Pretty soon we had been talking for an hour, when I told him I had to go he asked what I was doing tonight....I told him nothing and he asked if I would come over to his apartment. I said i would but, as he went to leave he asked me if I could do him a favor ,he asked if he could borrow $20.00. I said yes and gave him the money ; He said he'd pay me back when i got to his apartment last night. So I went over, we talked and just had fun. He said he only had a hundred dollar bill but, if I would call for a pizza he'd pay with his money and then he'd give me my money. I did but, the pizza place didnt have change for such a big bill so, I paid for it on my visa. We sat there watching some ol' Jason movies and laughing....but, everytime he stood up he'd go to the window and look out like he was waiting for someone, then he picked up his house keys. It made me very uncomfortable like I was keeping him from something. So I excused myself and told him i had to be leaving....he walked me out and we talked for another hour at my car. As one of his friends went riding by, he told me he'd get my money tomorrow . Then he stuck out his hand like he expected me to shake his hand( as long as I've ever known this boy he's never shook my hand) It was weird...it caught me off guard but, I shook it and drove off as he began talking with his friend. All day, i've been trying to figure out what I'm feeling, what he's feeling ...everything??? Dont know what to think so any advice would be greatly appericated. Thank you all again.....Hennypenny

[Ccian]

Stop being there for this guy and stop loaning him money. Your not a bank. Dont let this guy use you. I was in your situation with my ex gf. I cut her off. Its the hardest thing to do but you have too. If you cant your overly dependent on them and u really need to do it all the more. NO CONTACT,, change your screen name, and dont pick up your phone. Just get busy. You looks/weight should not be a factor, but it appers that it bothers you. Spend some of your time take care of you and having fun. You will feel more attractive and happy. In time you will see that you dont need someone in your life who is only nice to you when they need something or have no one else. I learned that too......

[reborn]

Henny, nothing we say here is going to change your mind or make you feel better. The good thing is you are asking for help somewhat if you are in this forum.

Hon, it is not about loving or not loving Aaron, its about loving YOURSELF, it doesn´t sound very loving to yourself to be staying or putting up with the situation you are in. Read your own posts henny and make believe it is someone else writting these things not you. What advice would you give them, how will you see the situation if it was happening lets say to your sister, or to your best friend? Try this, you may be surprised at what you find.

It don´t know about others in the forum, but it is very obvious to me at least that this guy seems to be using you BIG TIME. It seems he knows you care about him and only comes to you when it is convinient, not because he cares about you or wants to be with you. That whole 100 dollar bill also sounds like a big obvious lie. Everybody knows pizza guys don´t go around with big amount of money, otherwise they´ll be getting mugged all the time. He knew the pizza guy wouldn´t have change for such a big bill. And I bet he didn´t have that big bill. I am almost sure he didn´t have that money. He asked you to lend him $20 and then figured, I will get dinner out of her too. And he did. Is this what you call love henny? Is that what it takes for you to love a guy to be treated like this? Hon, there is something very not right about this picture. do you see it too?

Please, do get that book I suggested to you. And don´t take this the wrong way but invest in some counceling. If you have money to be helping Mr. Aaron out, you must certainly have money to invest in yoursel. Please also do read about codependence. I have been doing lots of reading about this and somethings sound similar to you. Your behaviour does not make sense henny. I repeat this is not love. LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT SO BAD.

What this sounds like is not that you have a messed up relationship with this Aaron person, but that you have a messed up relationship with your own self. You may have a low self steem at this moment that you may need to work on. There may be other issues you that may have to deal with.

It seems that no matter what we are saying at this forum you are not listening. Stop henny! please read your own posts, listen to that little voice deep inside of you. Make believe it is your best friend in this situation. From a completely objective position, what would you tell her? Then do some reading on codependency and get that book! I don´t mean to sound pushy, but you seem to be reaching out for help here, some part of you at least is and I think it will help you out trememdously to continue on that path.

Best of luck to you henny, and remember we are here for you. You are not alone.

-Reborn