well I think I blew it

[Scout]

Hi, Jupiter...I got your private message, read your other threads, and thought I'd post on the forums since you're getting a lot of good feedback here.

 

It's true, I don't always advocate NC. It's a case-by-case situation.

 

What is troubling me about your situation is that all signs point to this girl wanting to be free to date others, if she isn't already. I really, really hate to say that. But that's what it is looking like to me.

 

At the same time, you two have a four year history, and of course it's hard for her to completely let you go out of her life. She does care about you, of course.

 

But, it also sounds like she is not in a place where she is williing, or perhaps able, to commit to an exclusive relationship with you anymore. You said she's a bit young, this could have something to do with it. If she was more mature, she would not be sending such mixed messages, and she would not keep calling you, etc., because she would understand that confuses you and is selfish of her to do. Again, this is something a more mature person would recognize.

 

I honestly think that the more you hold on to hope here, the more you keep answering her calls and doing things with her - thinking each time it means she might want to get back together - you are going to get really emotionally worn down. You're also going to end up hating her, trust me on this.

 

That's why in your case, I would recommend NC and stick to it for a long time. You need to get your own head together. I know the idea of not seeing or talking to her is a scary one for you, but I have the feeling if you could stick to it for a couple of months, you'd start to see you can actually live without this girl. You could certainly live without the uncertain emotions, where one moment you feel soaring hope, the next moment you feel crushing disappointment. I'm really concerned that if you keep going through such a sustained period of rollercoaster emotions, it's going to really wear you down.

 

What do you think about my feedback? Does any of it make sense? Am I overlooking anything?

[dreamguy]

Scout, great feedback.

 

Listen to those words Jupiter.

 

And stop worrying that she might be pissed off. You're going to piss her off much more if you initiate contact right now because you're still too emotional.

 

You don't have to call her (she's the one who's unsure... remember ?)

Let her come to you (when/if she is ready) and give her the gift of missing you. She has to realize what life without you is and she has to be convinced you actually decided to walk away to do that.

 

IMO it's ok to answer her from time to time when she calls (not everytime). Just don't contact her yourself.

If she calls and you answer be careful about the tone of your voice (don't sound depressed or sentimental). That's the fastest way for her to know you still deeply care for her.

 

Scout said it so well: "if you keep going through such a sustained period of rollercoaster emotions, it's going to really wear you down."

Just go with the flow and let things be. You did all you could and, believe me, she knows how you feel about her !

 

You don't want her to know anything about how you feel for the time being. You want your actual feelings to become a mystery for her to solve again. Be neutral and casual and don't talk about the past or about any emotions.

 

If it makes you feel any better... the last time I talked to my ex on MSN and she said she was unsure how she felt and she just had no passion for me anymore... I just said: "It happens... don't blame yourself. Life goes on so take care and be happy".

 

She immediately replied I Love you !"

I said: "I know, you love me like a friend and I already have too many friends so no thanks "

She said: "No, I really Love you ! You don't understand... it's so complicated".

 

Believe me, it wasn't easy for me to be so neutral ! But what other choice did I have ? Do you think she would have came back if I said "Don't leave me... I am nothing without you" ?

Ask anyone who did that what happened in the end.

I once tried to convince an ex to come back to me and she is now happily married to another man lol !

 

Psychology 101: "We all want what we cannot have".

[smiles21]

This is all great advice, and my situation is similar, 4 year relationship, we are both young, shes 21 I'm 23.

 

She broke it off as I pushed her away, trying to figure out what to do myself. My thread is "Get her back, Ladies help". Lol.

 

 

Anyways, I'm not in the best position to give advice, but I know how you feel, and she's toying with your heart, mine's doing the exact same thing.

[rmpavlock]

Don't call her! Call a friend instead! Or go for a walk...or stay on here and talk to us! Try thinking about something else.

[Jupiter]

One week ago today since I took her stuff and dropped it off at her house

last saturday morning , I havent seen or heard from her.

I guess I shouldnt expect to. When she left me she did say "can I still call

you ? " but I told her only if she had something to say that I wanted to hear.

I guess im just missing her.

I think a week is the longest its ever been for us in 4 years without talking.

I dare ask , Shuld I call her just to tell her lightly that It bothers me that

I might have made her feel like she cant call me ?

Geeze this is hard

[dreamguy]

I dare ask , Shuld I call her just to tell her lightly that It bothers me that

I might have made her feel like she cant call me ?

 

Absolutely NOT !

You cannot - I repeat - you CANNOT call her.

Look I know it's extremely hard (I know how you reach out for the phone every now and then) but you did what most men can't do.

When you told her not to talk to you, unless she had something to say that you wanted to hear, you got your pride back. You acted like a real man ! Remember that every time you get weak.

 

You can't tell her "lightly" this. The simple fact that you will be the one calling and that you will take back your word will make you lose all credibility for good.

She would never take you seriously after that.

I mean this was your only chance to prove you have the b*lls to walk away like a man and you want to blow it ?

Make no mistake about it: it's a ONE time chance only.

 

I can't believe I have my own thread with the title "Should I contact her again".

But that thread is 2 weeks old. I wish I had the clear vision I have today.

I wouldn't have even asked such a question !

 

You see, after I talked to my ex three days ago I decided that the best thing to do was to refrain from contacting her because everytime I do that I just feel good during the conversation. That's all.

As soon as we hang up I feel worse than before. Why ? Because I realize I just broke my word once more and this isn't going to make her respect me or believe me when I say "I'm moving on" or "I can't be your friend".

[Jupiter]

Well , I made it through the weekend, I was tough.

9 days now , since we "broke up" . or at least since

I took her stuff back to her. Kinda sad , I really thought she

would have called by now. Next weekend will be harder,

During our 2 week thing we had after the breakup we had planned

to go to a local event together. Im sure thats not gonna happen now.

I went looking through my Rolodex and found a gals number

that I almoast went out with before my last relationship.

Im thinking about calling her to see how she is doing.

Is this a good Idea? She would probably go out with me if I asked.

I still love my ex , but thats probably never gonna change. I feel like it

might do me good to go out with someone else , but at the same time

I almaost feel like im cheating , weird huh ?

I still think about calling my ex though, I wish things had ended better

*sigh* you guys know how it is ,

LET ME HAVE IT : ) should I call her just to tell her that I respect her

choice and feelings ? , I guess i wish i had left a better "taste in her mouth"

about me .

[papalazarou]

I still love my ex , but thats probably never gonna change. I feel like it

might do me good to go out with someone else , but at the same time

I almaost feel like im cheating , weird huh ?

I still think about calling my ex though, I wish things had ended better

*sigh* you guys know how it is ,

LET ME HAVE IT : ) should I call her just to tell her that I respect her

choice and feelings ? , I guess i wish i had left a better "taste in her mouth"

about me .

 

You can still "date" others you dont have to sleep with them. It will probably be good for you to get back into the swing of things.

 

I love my ex dearly. But at the same time Im not passing up the opportunity to date/flirt/chat up ladies because there may come a time when there is no chance of reconciliation. Mine is a little more complicated because she is suffering from depression.

 

No, dont call her. She knows how to get hold of you if she wanted to contact you.

[Jupiter]

actually , I was suffering from depression , that was part of her reason

for "losing feelings" for me , but I got a Zoloft smile today : )

GEEZE I want to call her though , she said she thought some

"time apart would be good , so she can figure things out, Us, herself , life

,eveything. This puzzles me , Ive never felt that need. \

Anyone else felt like this ? Im trying hard to understand how she is feeling.

Is "needing time to find yourself a valid reason to break up ? or is it

just a thing to say to let me down as easy as possible ,so she can come out

smelling like a rose?

[in_love]

Anyone else felt like this ?

 

Yeah!!! haha... me!!

 

I felt the same thing one time with an ex. I was like "damn I need my own time, I really need to be alone, single, free again"... low and behold I got it... she pestered me, followed me, did all manner of things for about a month when I eventually blew up on the street and said "f off, I dont want to be with you anymore"... yes I was an absolute * * * *head and not proud of what I did. Now heres what she did to win me back, which now as I look back on it, is exactly what made me come running back.

 

She did nothing. Really, she just stopped doing everything she was doing. Just left me alone and off I went having a fling with some girl and thinking everything was all fine and dandy and then one day I woke up and the penny litterally dropped from about 2000ft!!!!

 

Man it was the weirdest and most powerful feeling I have ever felt in my entire life, I am not joking. No one nor nothing could have stopped me from trying to win back my ex's heart again. I chased and I chased and eventually she gave me up!!! Ironic... irony seems to be everywhere these days!

 

The more I think about it now the more I come to realise this is exactly how my current ex is feeling, exactly right down to a tee!!! And if thats the way I felt before then I am going to have to let her go and see if she will come back.

 

I have a funny feeling it may happen, but then again I am expecting the worst.

 

I think the most powerful tool she used to win me back was simply doing nothing. I just hope its like this for most people, I just tell myself over and over again "man, you felt it before and look what happened", I am litterally fighting with myself not to call her, email her or txt her, going crazy about her... well, at least now I know how it feels!

[wonderfulconfusion]

In-love: How long did it take you before realising (with first ex and made penny fall) that you wanted her back after she left you alone?

[Scout]

Jupiter, you're doing very well with the NC here. I'm impressed, friend! Because I know it's very difficult for you. Yet, you're giving it all you've got.

 

I think you should go to some social events, for sure, and if you want to ask a girl to go with you, why not? But do yourself and her a big favor: DON'T talk about the ex on your dates! I'm sure you wouldn't, but just want to emphasize the point. Also, if you go out, I'd abstain from alcohol. It can make you feel even worse and do something you'll regret, like call the ex. And of course, the next day you'll feel miserable.

[Jupiter]

I guess im confused by the i need time apart to figure things out thing.

anyone else ever feel that way ? Ive never felt that way.

Is it valid ? or is she just telling me that to "let me down easy?'

It would be helpful if someone can help me understand this.

Im really close to caving in , 10 days , NC

Thats the longest ive ever been without talking to her in 4 years.

[dreamguy]

No one except her can know if she means it or she is letting you down easy.

But I know this: If she specifically asked for some time alone and you already told her how you feel about her then anything you do right now will push her away further.

 

Everytime you're about to cave in and you freak out as you realize how long it has been since you guys talked... and you're afraid that the more time goes by the less chances she will ever contact you again and she will move on... you should repeat this to yourself:

Suppose I contact her right now, right here... how will that contribute to bringing her back ? She perfectly knows how I feel and she still wants time apart.

 

The only time when you will know that she is open for a reconciliation is when she initiates contact. And even then I advise extreme caution as 9 times out of 10 your ex (and any ex for that matter) will do that just to test the waters and give you a constant reminder that they are still in your life so you don't wander too far and eventually end up in a relationship with another person.

IMO that's the most selfish thing an ex can do but many people will do it.

 

So start being selfish too and think about yourself, your heart and your life. It's so cheesy but if/when she decides she wants you back you can be certain she will let you know !

[Jupiter]

I fell like I put limits on her freedom to call me

She specifily asked me if she could still call me ,

I was hurt and said you can call me if you have something to say

that i want to hear. I feel like that was unfair of me,

so i feel like she might be , scared to call me

[Scout]

Jupiter, it could also be she's not calling because she knows she can't tell you what you want to hear: that she wants to get back together.

 

She said she needed to be away from the relationship. Staying in touch with each other is not accomplishing that, and yet it's not getting you back together, either.

 

I know you really miss her. But...she can't give you what you really want, which is a reconcilation.

[dreamguy]

Jupiter,

 

When you feel like this always keep in mind that it is ten times worse for her than it is for you. That's what I do although it's hard to convince yourself it is true.

But that's only your mind playing tricks on you and telling you your ex is having the time of her life right now and she is not even thinking about you.

Can't be true. No one forgets someone they loved. They can fake it and pretend they did but in reality they don't.

 

Remember, women are way better at faking and hiding their true emotions than men.

The truth is: she doesn't have a clue as to what you are doing, how you are feeling, and who you're with.

This drives her crazy. I bet she often stops during the day and remembers all the good times, all your good qualities, and the future she could have had with you.

 

I don't think you closed the door in her face. You didn't tell her to never call you and that you never wanted to hear from her again. you didn't insult her in any way. Did you ?

No, instead you took a stand and you got your self-respect back by telling her that you guys still have an open communication channel that she should only use when she has something worth saying (i.e. that she wants to get back with you).

 

I'm in the exact same situation.

When my ex said "Won't we talk again ?"

I replied: "You're a smart girl and you know I don't want friendship when I had much more so how can I talk to you. What would we talk about ?"

 

Look, you would think that calling makes you feel better.

That's what I always thought too but then I discovered that everytime you call an ex you make THEM feel better. As soon as you hang up you can bet your a** they will feel so much better because you caved in and you gave them the daily dosage they needed !

 

Why do you want to make her feel better ? Why do you want to give her more power so she can crush your heart ? Haven't you had enough pain ?

 

Also understand that you are not playing games or being mean by not contacting her.

You would be mean if you talked to her because you specifically made it clear when and how she should contact you.

I tell myself that if a man means what he says then all I'm doing by sticking to my word... is being a man.

 

the only thing that bothers me is when she said: "I will need to see you one last time. Even if I don't see you for several years".

It's like everytime I remember that line I feel she has already taken a decision not to see me no matter what.

 

I hope I'll remember my words and I won't contact her.

[Jupiter]

Last night I talked to a friend who went and hung out with my ex for a while.

He was playing guitar at an open mic near her house.

I asked him if she said anything about me,

She asked how I was doing.

She told him she wanted to call me but didnt think I wanted her to.

cous i told her if she wasnt coming back, I needed time to heal,

I guess thats my answer huh ?

Man I just cant believe it , I still dont , all those mixed signals she gave me

it doesnt add up.

My friend seemed to think I should call her and be her friend and see

what happens from there.

He said , she still loves you shes just too busy for a relationship right now.

I dont know if i can buy that, I mean time is great and all , but i wanted

her heart , thats all , I can handle sacrificing time. not a heart.

I guess she doenst see it that way

Im torn now , I wonder if i should call her

[papalazarou]

If she really wanted you back she would contact you. NOTHING would stop her. NOTHING.

 

If you call her you will be boosting her ego and after the call you will be no better off. Maybe worse as it could end in an argument.

 

As for too busy for a relationship...that is womanese for I dont want him around me at the moment.

[Jupiter]

As for too busy for a relationship...that is womanese for I dont want him around me at the moment.

anyone else agree with that?

[Jupiter]

2 weeks today, no contact

Im starting to really freak out ,

I cant believe Ive lost her for good

I want her back , what can I do ?

AAAARRRRRGGHHHHHH !!!!!

 

I wish she would call me

 

and actually , There was a little bit of insulting

from both of us on the "break up " day

but nothing really bad , it was more

her being determined and me being heartbroken and sad.

but i cant understand how it got from hanging out on our

way to getting back together , to her breaking away and

me telling her not to call me unless she has something to

say thati want to hear. and NC 2 weeks , I dont want to lose her.

[fr0st]

Great post dreamguy...... And jupiter check my thread aswell. It feels really good to know im not alone.

[fr0st]

Oh and if your tempted to call or text throughout the day LEAVE YOUR PHONE AT HOME!!! Thats what im doing.

[dreamguy]

Great post dreamguy...... And jupiter check my thread aswell. It feels really good to know im not alone.

 

I don't want to set a bad example for everyone here (I don't know what the good example is anyway as we all try to give honest advice).

I think the advice is 100% honest but sometimes honest advice doesn't mean it's the right advice.

No matter what people tell you... in the end you are going to take the decision by yourself (and you will bear full responsibility by yourself of course).

They are here to help. Not to take a decision on your behalf.

I took the decision of contacting my ex.

More details on what happened:

 

I DO NOT ADVISE OTHERS TO CALL THEIR EX JUST BECAUSE I DID.

This is not why I posted my message. I consider my case to be different (everyone does right ?). Well I know I was far from being a good boyfriend. There are a lot of reasons I did not enumerate on this forum because I'm kind of ashamed of doing so !

That is why I called my ex.

Every case is different so please... I urge you to think about yours before contacting your ex.

[Biffy]

DG, just a quick note to say that I'm finding the way you're handling your situation to be very inspiritaional. I hope it all works out well for you.