Cyber & Phone Sex

[hugmeup]

About 2 weeks ago this guy started flirting with me on a game site I play at. I didnt think this was going to go far and since I knew he was 29, I told him I was 35 (but I'm 56). I'm not sure what happened but after 12 yrs of absolutely no need or feeling for sex (because of a medication side effect I thought), this guy made me feel things I didn't think I could feel anymore. We exchanged pictures (I sent him a younger one of myself) and, after 2 nights of playing games, talking (about 4hrs each night) and him being really sweet and somewhat sexually explicit he asked me for my phone number. I gave him my cell number because I didn't think it could be traced. Well I guess I don't have to tell you what happened but it was unbelievable!! Since then he looks for me at the game site and called me again last night. The problems are many as far as my emotional and psycological health is concerned. I have a strong tendency to be compulsive and if he didn't look for me I would feel bad, sad, panicky, anxious and would check to see if he was playing or not. Since we are on each others friends list I could tell by his token balance that he was playing and normally I would be able to see where he was. Since I couldn't see where he was, I knew that he was blocking me. So I thought "ok this is good because it should end". But then (I guess when he was done playing) he would look for me and I responded. I'll tell you I cried my heart out because I had spent the last 2 and a half yrs. alone, comfortable and content. I wanted to be the way I had been with no need or urge for sex. But at the same time I liked the feeling.

I'll give you a short backround of my life. My mother was an alcoholic and was verbally and emotionally abusive. I was sexually abused at about 12 and became very permiscuous and I confused sex with love. I married when I was 19 but he was a transvestite (I found out about 5 months after I married) I couldn't deal with it so I divorced after 4 yrs. I married the second time and he turned out to be a mean alcoholic. After 2 children and a breakdown I divorced again. Then I married the 3rd time and he was nice except he had affairs that I found out about 17yrs into the marriage. He left me when I was asleep one night. I guess I don't blame him for the affairs because I was depressed alot and had the sexual disfunction. Anyway, after really never being alone most of my life I thought I had found peace and contentment until I met this guy. Now I can't even go to the gamesite without feeling anxiety. A part of me wants to change my cell number and block him from being able to see where I am playing but a very strong part of me wants more attention from him. I feel so trashy and I feel as though I have lost my self respect because of the phone sex. I've been in and out of therapy for about 13yrs. but its been a long time since I've had to seek help (I don't have insurance so I couldn't afford it anyway). I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't want to go out to social things because I am afraid. I didn't think I needed to be loved anymore. I thought that part of my life was over. I can't sleep, eat, and I feel so bad. I'm not sure if he will try to communicate with me again (its only been one day since we last talked). I have mixed feelings and I don't think I have the strength to let go of this situation. Please help

[WildChild]

I'm not sure where to start, so I will start with the basics of human nature. It's not a sin to feel desired by anyone and this man has made you feel things you thought were long lost. Obviously it goes without saying that you are playing with fire when you lied about your age, and that is where you will have a lot of explaining to do if and when he finds out. People do things impulsively and I would gather that you shooting out another age was on impulse never imagining you would be in the position you are now. It actually is pretty unfortunate because at this point you have now sent him photos of you that are years younger and have fueled this fire beyond a smolder. Although impulsively, I don't understand why you felt the need to lie about your age...for the fear of rejection more than likely however you did not give him the opportunity to honestly make that decision for himself as to whether he would pursue someone much older than he, and may be angry that you did lie to him all the way around. At this point, you have options and none to which will be the ending you are hoping. First, you can continue this charade and hope that he will never want to meet. Second, you can be completely honest with him and take your medicine on how he chooses to respond to your lying, or third, you can end this now and discontinue talking with him.

 

In terms of therapy, I understand you cannot afford this without medical insurance. However, there are support groups that you can join. You can go to the library and gather books on how to manage your anxiety, fear of rejection, and fear of social situations.

 

I hope this ends with as little damage to either of you. Good Luck!

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

Sorry to hear how sad you are at the moment. Okay, let's have a think about this.

 

You're flirting/having cyber sex with some bloke who thinks you are someone else? Okay, that's not bad - you're both getting something out of it. But I think you need to maybe pull back, because he might want to meet or intensify the relationship, and you cannot do that, because you've created a different persona. If you're clear that this is just about the moment with an anonymous stranger - that's fine, because you're getting your needs met, he's getting his needs met, and you have no expectations.

 

However, I think you are becoming obsessed with him, and that's not good for you. I would break it off with him, maybe not coming clean exactly, but saying you're moving away, won't be online etc. I think you should do that for your own sake, because you're yearning for something that can't work out. But don't feel trashy about it, it's a safe outlet for a human desire - what's to be ashamed about????

 

However, the fact that you have felt desired and desire - that's really good! It shows that you're alive and are wanting to take risks. Your life has been tough, but I have a very few thoughts:

 

Have you received counselling/therapy for the difficult life you've had emotionally?

Have you joined social groups where you are? Voluntary work, part time work, evening classes? Because computer games are fun, but ultimately they are more isolating than anything else.

Keep talking here - there are always people online, and you will feel less alone.

 

Take good care of yourself

[Beec]

I think you found out that yes being wanted is still important to you. In this case, I am not sure you picked the right person to be wanted by, but I could be wrong.

 

We all want to be wanted and appreciated. I think there are plenty of men out there, plenty in there 20s and 30s too, that might want you sexually. A quick internet search would reveal plenty of sights catering to men with such desires. But, in a decent relationship, we are not wanted only for sexual reasons and purposes. Some women in your age group even have affairs with men in his age group, just for sex, and I am sure if you wanted to it would not take long to find such a man.

 

Since you have not felt this in a long time and shut yourself off from it, when it came out, wow did it probably really come out.

 

What you do now with this guy or these feelings, I don't know. I do know that if you desparately chase after this or any guy that it will backfire on you. CHasing a person is chasing them away.

[hugmeup]

Thank you for your responses and advice. Yes I lied about my age (impulsively) thinking that this wasn't going to lead to anything and yes I am becoming obsessed with him. I find myself coming home to see if he has emailed me or if he is on the gamesite.

 

There are somethings about him that I probably couldn't live with. For instance he is a country boy (which is ok) but he says he is a redneck and a rebel. I searched the term redneck to get an understanding as to its meaning. He says he hates black people and used an unsavory word to describe them. He says he isn't prejudice as we discussed my origin which is hispanic. He says nothing bothers him and he doesn't give a f--k about much. Yet he can be so damned sweet. I am so confused!!!!!!!

 

The last time we talked was Wednesday late well into the wee hours of Thursday morning. He told me that he was going to be gone from Thursday night until Sunday or Monday (He is a truck driver) but I know he was playing for several hours last night Thusday because of his token balance. But he was blocking me because I couldn't see where he was (which is ok because he needs his space) and if I could see where he was, I wouldn't look for him unless he sent me a message on the site first. Normally he will block me and play and then later in the night he will send me a message and I can see where he is. Then we get together.

 

I find myself listening to country music when I am in the car and I cry sometimes. I am so beside myself because I think about him so much and miss him. When we talked he said he couldn't stop thinking about me, fantasizing about me and that he was crazy about me.

 

Today I went out and bought facial items and dye for my hair because I know that I have to start caring about myself. I've pretty much let myself go in the last 2+ yrs.

 

A part of me hopes he doesn't contact me anymore and I keep saying to myself that it would be for the best and a big part of me wants this to continue.

 

I have a very low self esteem and am overweight. I was the girl, woman with a pretty face and a great personality. Its ironic because in the picture I sent him I was thin and he said I needed to gain some weight because he likes chunky women. I look in the mirror and I see and old tired woman. Then I look closer and see the pretty eyes and baby face. All of my husbands were younger than me. The last one was 11yrs younger.

 

I think I feel trashy, cheap (because of the online sex) because of my upbringing and because of the years of permiscuity and I wonder if he doesn't have a low opinion of me because of our sexual encounters. He was really explicit about how he wanted to f--k me and he described so many things he wanted to do to me (it makes me feel ashamed even writing this). He even said that if I was with someone else sexually I should think about him. I am uneasy about this.

 

Ok about what I am going to do. Well I've thought about it and I want to tell him the truth (about my age) and deal with whatever happens even though I know I'm going to feel like crap for a while. Please keep the replies coming as it helps to read them. I am so glad I found this site.

[WildChild]

Wow. I think you have made so many right decisions right now for yourself. First being, telling him the truth. Second, he is prejudice and this is going against your morals. That certainly is not something that can provide a promising future for you. Please don't put yourself in a position of compromising your morals. Third, and most important, you are seeing for the first time in a long time how beautiful you are inside and out. Maybe this has been a learning experience for you in the aspect that you started feeling better about yourself, feeling desirable, realizing what you will or will not tolerate in your life and/or a relationship, and finding yourself again.

 

In terms of doing things with him you never have, that is not uncommon for people to sometimes step out of their norm and having never imagined it in a million years. Maybe this (cypering) won't be something that you will ever do again, or maybe it is. I've experience things with my current bf that I never thought imaginable. Who knows.

 

Regardless, congrats on making the decision of telling him the truth. That is a huge step. Be prepared though. You got yourself into this mess, and only you can get yourself out. Keep in mind too that overall, he may give you the desires, but he doesn't sound like a guy you would "bring home to mom and pop."

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

I know it feels like this chap is the only one for you, that he has woken something in you. That's good. But there are zillions of people in cyber space, and zillions of people in real life. I think that he's done you a huge favour, ironically, he's made you look at your life, and look at what you want to change and improve, and think about the past and the future. He's also made you feel desired and desire, and that is a HUGE boost.

 

Good for you for telling him the truth - be prepared for any reaction. It might not make a difference, it might mean that he blocks you completely. But see this as a wakeup call for how you want to live your life, to address the issues that have emerged and son on.

 

I know this connection is really important, and I KNOW what it's like to be obsessed by someone too - I think everyone does. It feels like he's the only man in the world, doesn't it? But you know logically that that's not the case. Be grateful for meeting him, and be graceful in what happens next. It's shown you that you're a woman with needs and a lot to give, and you can take control of your life.

Good luck and keep talking to us!

[hugmeup]

Thank you again for your responses and advice. It's Saturday and I just got up. Today I feel depressed, alone, sad and a little panicky (I've suffered from an anxiety/panic disorder since 1976). I guess this is normal and hopefully these feelings will go away soon.

 

I find myself looking in the mirror and saying "You look so old and tired" Then I cry.

 

You see none of my husbands ever loved me for who I am inside. I got married the first time because I was pregnant and my husband really wanted a tall, slender (model type) slinky long haired woman and he told me so many times. That marriage lasted 4yrs.

 

The second man I married asked me out on a dare. You see I was a secretary and several of the men asked me out but I declined (either I wasn't attracted or I knew they were married). After we had been seeing each other he told me he liked my personality. However, he turned out to be a mean, unaffectionate alcoholic who was always put me down. He was here illegally and I fixed his papers and encouraged him to get a better job (which he did and came up on the financial end). That marriage lasted 12yrs.

 

My third husband was 11yrs younger than me and told me after a few dates that I wasn't his type. I slapped him and went on my way. Shortly after that he began persuing me again. When I met him he sold cocaine (he quit selling this after we were together for a few months), didn't have a car or a job and again was here illegally. He was good to me but my mother said "Sure he's good to you he doesn't have to work". Anyway (after 7yrs), I got into the property management business so he would have to learn maintenance. Before this change I took in medically fragile children. My ex now had a career and papers to live in the USA legally. He started running around and left me after 17yrs.

 

Ok, I know I can't live in the past but I am so upset and disappointed with myself for settling just to feel loved and wanted and because I have such a low self esteem.

 

I've isolated myself for 2+yrs and I also have a daughter that I took in at 6 months of age and now she is 25. She is profoundly developmentally disabled and I take care of everything from brushing her teeth, changing her diaper and so on and so forth.

 

I lost my home (I was buying when I met my 3rd husband and made some bad investment decisions). I lost my job (free apartment, utilities and cable when he left me (we had been hired as a team and the owner needed two people on the property). With a broken heart, tears I found another job but was not ready emotionally so I lost that one too. Anyway now I dedicate myself to my daughter. Can you see that I've spent all of my life taking care of others and not myself.

 

I don't know what is going to happen to me. I thought that I could live this way (alone) until it was time to leave this earth and now THIS situation with the guy on the internet game site. I don't want to settle again but I feel so needy since I met him and yes I am very obsessed with him.

 

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and how I wish I could feel normal but I don't know how.

 

The way I see it I am afraid of rejection and afraid of being hurt because I've been hurt so much.

 

I know you aren't professionals but your comments and advice really help. Please keep it coming my way.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

We're not professionals, well I'm definitely not. But you know the thing that leaps out from your post? It's NOT about this guy. He's a catalyst for the things that you want in your life - to love and be loved in a caring (and hot!) relationship, by someone who won't use you.

 

And you can have this - but not through a cyber fling where you're pretending to be someone else. I'm not saying it's at all wrong, you know that from my previous posts. But it's not the answer as it is.

 

You sound like a very very caring and giving person - lots of people would love to have someone like you in their life. You *have* to start taking steps to look at how you are and what you want to change in your life. What leaps out to me is that you're quite (understandably) isolated. How about working on creating a social circle, where the pressure is not on finding Mr Right, but on finding good and supportive friends? It's not easy, I know that. But how about support groups for people in your position, ie carers? Starting to connect to people, their friends?

 

Then when you're ready, you may want to try dating - where you meet real people, and they meet the real you.

 

Also, sweetheart, I think you badly need to work on your self-esteem. I know people are dismissive of self help books/guides etc, but how about giving them a bash, and working through some of them? They do help, as does a bit of life coaching. It may not be the answer per se, but it might give you a kick-start to change the things in your life you don't like.

 

This online chap - he represents much more than he is. He represents what you want: to be adored and wanted. And you can have that, but you have to reach out for it by taking steps in your life.

 

Is there any chance of some counselling? I think that would also help.

 

You're not alone - millions of people are lonely and scared; the difference is that some of them will reach out and try to change it. Be one of those people.

 

Good luck, keep talking/

[hugmeup]

Thank you so very much Honey Pumpkin. I'm not sure where to start but I will try to work on the advice you are giving me.

[hugmeup]

Ok, here goes: I went to the game site tonight and couldn't have fun because I kept hoping that he would look for me. I used to have so much fun at this game site laughing, talking and having a good time.

 

I couldn't stay there so I went to a chat room and it was a nice one. Well, this guy took a liking to me and he asked for a private chat. He asked me my age and I told him the truth. We talked for a while and we clicked in the sex department. I gave him my number and he called me and it was UNBELIEVABLE!!! Best of all I'm not infactuated, or obsessed or anything. I just felt so good (thanks to your helping me to understand that its ok to release my womanly desire).

 

After we said goodnight I was so hungry so I ate and went to the gamesite again and for the first time since I met him I had a great time playing with no thoughts about him.

 

I am ready to start learning how to love myself. I feel so happy and content. Thank you so very much for your support, kindness and advice. I hope I feel the same when I wake up tomorrow. LOTS OF LOVE

Mary

[WildChild]

See! Everything happens for a reason, and meeting this new guy last night has soared your spirits Mary. I'm glad to hear you are learning to love yourself again. You do need to love yourself first in order for anyone to truly love you. Those are some hard words to come by somedays, at least for me, but in all reality it is the truth. Use the strength you have and move past this first guy and enjoy your time with those who enjoy you for who you are. Plus, why have someone or something ruin it when you are taking your free time to play at the game site..that is your time to have fun

[Honey Pumpkin]

That's brilliant - well done! So you see, this young guy is NOT the be-all and end-all, and that sounds really good. I'm glad that you're feeling better today, and that things don't seem so black as they did. You sound so much better, and I'm really pleased that you're not so down.

 

Keep working on all this, and keep talking!

[hugmeup]

Today is not a good day for me. Last night I went to the gamesite and he left me a message "hey baby, I'm home" (he had been on the road). I had been feeling better before his message so I guess it brought back the obsessive type of feelings and I wanted him to look for me so bad.

 

I played for about 3 hours and he never came to look for me. He was playing because I could see his token balance and he had me blocked so I couldn't see where he was. I wonder if he does this to lots of other women.

 

After I got off about 3am the second guy I met called me and we had a good time so Josh was off of my mind and I slept well.

 

This morning, however, I feel depressed and I can't seem to get a handle on it. I feel like emailing him and telling him not to leave me anymore messages and to forget about me, I have the option to block him from sending me any messages at this gamesite too but I can't get up the courage to do any of the above mentioned.

 

Please Help Me

[Honey Pumpkin]

Why does he block you when he's playing? What the heck *is* this game, btw???? I am intrigued! One answer is - deep breath - go cold turkey on the game for a week or so. See if that lets you heal? Give you a chance to stop looking for him etc.

 

Why are you so attracted to the first guy? Have you seen how he looks? Or is just an 'image' you have of him?

 

Anyway, you're doing well, step by step. Three hours is a long time to be online hoping that he contacts you. I think taking a break would do you the world of good - maybe taking a break from the PC for a while? Start thinking about other things in your life. I know it's easier said than done, I know, but you have to make a start on this.

 

Take charge of your life - don't wait around hoping that some cyber guy will contact you. He either will or he won't, but what a waste to be hoping that he will for all those hours, isn't it? Sometimes I find writing down all my thoughts in a journal really helps, because I can be as obsessive as I like, and somehow reach conclusions through thinking about it. You'll get through this. Write down 3 things you are going to do tomorrow so that you won't be at the mercy of these feelings, but are going to address them.

 

Good luck!

[hugmeup]

Dear Sweet Honey Pumpkin,

The gamesite is link removed and its free but both Josh and I (as well as thousands of other players (around the world) belong to club pogo for a yearly fee. I play Canasta, Spades and many other games there and you can chat with the other players too. Its really a lot of fun.

 

If you like to play cards, puzzles, word games and many, many other games you can sign up free and once you do you can put me on your friends list. My user name is mct7275 Then you can send me a message with your user name and I can send you a free pass to club pogo (If you like).

 

I don't know why he blocks me but he's done it several times and later at night he will send me a message at the site. He usually says: "hi hun" or "hey baby" or "I tried to talk to you but the room was full" or "Where the heck are you baby".

Then he will let me see where he is or he will look for me.

 

I started playing here because I am pretty much homebound with my very dissabled daughter.

 

Yes he sent me a picture of himself and he is a regular looking guy with a great smile. I know how he took hold of my heart. He is so damned sweet and

seemed to be so down to earth. I fell in love with him after 3 nights of chatting and playing.

 

In order to get out I would need to hire someone for my daughter and its somewhat difficult for me financially. Not impossible but hard to do. My daughter must have full time care for all of her needs. She can't speak (she is 25yrs old) and she has self abusive behaviors.

 

I've cried alot today and feel somewhat better. I didn't necessarily play just for him to look for me. But while playing I found myself hoping that I would see him.

 

I've thought about staying off the PC for a while but it is my only outlet for fun. DAMN!!!!! How I wish he hadn't started flirting with me. But I can't change that. However, he did do me a favor by bringing out my womanly desires. That could be why I feel so much for him too. Keep in mind that I hadn't felt anything (urge or sensation for years).

[Survictor]

He's playing games with you. Block him! I mean totally block him!... out of your mind, your games, you email.. everything! There is nothing for you with him and maybe this is why you desire him... you know you can't have him so it's a safe obsession and outlet for your feelings.

 

I know you will work through this.

[hugmeup]

survictor:

When I read your post today I cried because I've pretty much been in denial about exactly what you said. I'd been thinking along the same lines, especially with his blocking me when he is playing on pogo.

 

He spends hours playing games (same as me).

 

Anyway after I noticed that he was doing this, (I've never told him that I could tell when he was playing) I sent him an email telling him that I knew, that before he met me he probably played alot like I do and, told him that I wasn't going to look for him everytime I saw him playing. I told him that I thought it was only fair for him to be able to relax and play until he felt like talking. I told him that it was alright and for him to send me a message or look for me when he wanted to get together (I thought that this would ease his mind and he wouldn't block me anymore. Besides, I swear I wouldn't follow him around like a lost puppy. His response was that it was a crazy email I had sent him because it sounded like I was saying that he didn't want to talk to me. But as I've said in previous posts he continues to block me until he wants to talk.

 

My son came over today as I was reading your post so I shared my story with him (my son is 30yrs old). He, of course, agreed with you and said that I should do exactly what you advised.

 

Anyway, I've cried my heart out and feel very emotionally drained.

 

I appreciate your bluntness and agree with you. Now I have to push myself to do what needs to be done.

 

I hope I make it thru this difficult situation.

[WildChild]

I agree with survictor completely.

 

You can get through this, and you will. Be strong, and have faith in yourself. You were so optimistic a few days ago, and that is what you need, and you have the support of your son as well.

 

BTW, I wondered if the site was Pogo...I play there too

[hugmeup]

Well I didn't take your advice soon enough. After he got home from being on the road and sent me the message saying he was home, I sent him an email telling him that I knew he was playing and that I knew he was blocking me.

 

 

Shortly after that he sent me a message saying "you are so funny, I swear!!!"

 

 

Anyway, at this point I was able to see him and went to the room where he was at. I said "hi" and he said "this isn't Josh its Frank his cousin"

 

I asked him that if he wasn't Josh then why did he read the mail I sent and why did he send me a message. He said because he thought it was funny and he started telling me how Josh was crazy about me and how he talks about me all the time and that Josh was working and that he had to go back to work right away. He went on and on about how Josh wanted for me to tell him how I felt about him and STUPID me said that I was crazy about him too and that there were so many things about him that I loved.

 

Then he started flirting with me and said something sexually explicit. I told him to STOP IT and for him not to disrespect me.

 

After that he said "it's ok baby" and I said "is this you Josh?" and he said yes. Well I was surprized but happy that it was him and I told him how I felt about him too. Anyway, the gamesite went down shortly after that and we didn't see each other for the rest of the night.

 

Today, Thursday Oct. 26th, I went to pogo and he was blocking me again so this time I felt really angry about it and I sent him an email saying:

 

Ok Josh here goes: I didn't want to do this until I was sure and NOW I am. You say my emails are crazy and funny but I am not STUPID. I can see that you are playing because at 9:30 your token balance was 589262 at 9:41 it was 591260 and at 9:51 it was 591385 but I can't see where you are (so you have me blocked). I gave you the opportunity to stop blocking me when I told you that I wasn't going to look for you everytime you were on. I know we aren't exclusive (damn we haven't even met yet) but you led me to believe that I was special and since we hadn't talked for so many days (well you know). Anyway, I'm tired of you playing with my mind and my heart. It was so mean of you to pretend that you were your cousin last night and I feel like a fool telling you how I felt (in that sense I was stupid)!!! You are really good at what you do Josh but this woman isn't going to fall for your lies. Take me off of your friends list. Delete my picture and emails. Forget my phone number and forget about me.

 

After I sent this I cried and I hope I can get over it soon. I feel bad and sad but this was going no where and I was becoming too obsessed and anxious.

 

Please send me your comments and opinions I truly appreciate it more than you know.

[hugmeup]

Oh Dear:

 

I think I made a big mistake. I have other friends on pogo and tonight when one was looking for me he couldn't find me (he is just a nice friend) and I couldn't see him either.

 

So that means that maybe Josh wasn't blocking me and that the site maybe doesn't always show you where the players are.

 

Anyway, since I sent the the message I posted earlier Josh hasn't played all night. I feel so bad even knowing that it wasn't going to work out.

 

Because maybe he wasn't blocking me and I accused him of doing it.

 

Please help