Really need some advice

[underpressure]

My boyfriend is currently in the midst of a messy divorce. (no, not because of me) he and his ex have been separated for just about two years, I met him 11 months after their separation. They have no custody agreement. She continually witholds custody/visitation and refuses him any overnights with their daughter, if he attempts it she comes to our house and throws a fit. He is a push over and rather than taking action against her, like calling the police, he will stand outside for an hour trying to calm her down and then give into her anyway. She tells their five year old daughter she isn't allowed to stay the night here, that I am a bad person, etc. I have spoken my mind to his ex twice and both times it has erupted into an argument, the last time with her hitting me, no charges are being prosecuted because it was a "mutual affray". My boyfriend has since spoken to his lawyer about all of this and is actually pursuing joint custody which is what he sees as fair. However, his ex continues to act erratically, cusses him out (sometimes in front of their daughter) anytime he disagrees with her and makes deragatory comments about me any chance she gets. I know that everything will be somewhat worked out once they have their custody hearing. I am just at my wits end. I understand that my boyfriend has no control over how she acts, and I try to be as supportive as possible, I just can't take it sometimes when he lets her treat him that way. I love him dearly, but sometimes I don't know if it's right for me to stay in this situation right now. I want to be with him in the long run, i'm just not sure how much more of both of their nonsense I can take!! I really need some advice on how to deal with all of this. I understand that I need to refrain from making comments to her when they are arguing, but is it wrong of me to ask her to leave when she comes to our home and is banging on the door at all hours of the night?? I know she is there to talk to him, but I live here as well and her coming to our home, banging on the door and screaming causes me more stress than I know how to deal with.

 

I just really need some advice on how to cope with all of this. I consider myself a pretty strong person, but I can only take so much. I feel like I'm drowning.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Since it's your home, it's not wrong of you to ask her to leave.

 

Have you talked with your boyfriend about this? Have you let him know how it's affecting you?

 

Certainly you have every right to be at peace, especially in your own home.

[krnswte143]

im in a similiar situation as u but my bf n his x arent married. jus broken up for a long time. i understand how u feel cus thats how i feel about my bf n his ex.. she hasnt done anything wrong but the things she do sometimes w/ him...makes me so mad...

 

in ur case it would b hard more difficult cus ur bf is in the middle of divorice n gettin joint custody of the child.. his ex wife is a b***ch for acting like that.. like u said ur bf cant control the way she feels.. but try to understand in her shoes.. shes gettin a divorce or already has.... she n ur bf has a child toghther.. basically she doesnt want u to be the *mother* of her child..thats how i could see from her actions... i dont blame u or her or even the bf .. your in a tight situation between two ppl and u prolly feel stressed or even feel ur in the middle.. i understand...its not an easy thing to be in... all i can say is....ignore her....just be happy w/ ur bf...and hope things will turn out good for the best.

 

keep ur chin up n cheer up..

[Dako]

All of these problems belong to him.

I hate to say it, but living with a guy going through divorce is a bad idea.

You really should let him deal with his divorce, drama and more importantly, his recovery.

 

You know you have no role in his divorce, so why allow yourself to be dragged through it? I'd suggest he move out until he settles his past, and you can help him without taking on his pain.

 

BTW, I'm going through a peaceful divorce, and I couldn't imagine living with anyone. It's just too much, and I'd hate to share my baggage.

[Lady Bugg]

YIKES....She HIT you and NO no charges were pressed??? THAT is where I would have been out the door...period. This guys ex is a violent psycho...and if they have a child together....I seriously doubt that is going to go away overnight. I agree with Dako....I think it is a REALLY bad idea to be living with this guy. You are NOT a punching bag..and your b/f really should step up to the plate in your defense. He does not seem to be making that effort. You are a strong person for putting up with this..but you deserve better.

[Shadows Light]

I agree with Dako.... bad idea to be living with him at this time.

 

He owns this mess he should clean it up... and he shouldn't have brought it on your doorstep. Sets a bad precidence.

 

But... he's already there so..... he's talked to his lawyer, I'm surprised the lawyer hasn't done "ANYTHING" for him. He works for him, not the other way around.

 

What you need is a restraining order. A restraining order pretty much prevents the "BOTH" of them from altercations. Each is allowed to come into the driveway (PEACEFULLY) for the exchange of the child. Neither is allowed to come into the house or come at all hours of the night pounding on the door, screaming and cussing. Its a violation of the order. Just having one in place.... may... quiet her down. However, should your BF get a R.O. he has to follow it by the letter of the law... and if she comes in the middle of the night... you call 911... she'll get charged. And "THAT" will help with a child custody case. The one who has more on his side in concrete paperwork.. usually wins.

 

Your BF needs to step up to the plate. He can not calm her down...or placate her as he's been doing, she will continue on her cycle of terror because it "WORKS" it gets a response. The BEST response to VIOLENT ANGERY BEHAVIOR is Cold Stone-walling. No response. Just a cold stone wall. You calmly pick up the phone and let someone else handle it. When harassement persists... you track it with the legal authorities. Again. And Again... and Again.. until it stops. Everytime you "FEED" the dragon, lose your temper and try to get your point accross... you only make the dragon angrier.

[underpressure]

If the things she does and way she treats him started when he and I began dating I would be a bit more understanding. But from what his family and he himself have told me, their entire relationship and post-relationship (before me) was like this. If he did anything she didn't like, she would throw a huge fit. If he wanted to take their daughter to the park or camping and she didn't want him to, she would take their daughter to her parents house and refuse him entry to the house or access to his daughter. If he didn't come over and fix something at the house or pay a bill because she was "broke" (she lived in their marital home for a year and a half after separating without paying one household bill) she would refuse him access to their child, even over the phone.

 

I have expressed my distress about all of this to him, and over the past months he has definitely made positive strides, it just seems like there is no end to it sometimes. or that everytime i start to see a light at the end of the tunnel it is suddenly blocked by her banging on our door screaming or calling his phone at 11 pm to insist that he bring back a shirt their daughter left at our house.

[underpressure]

I did file charges, but the state's attorney is not prosecuting them because she claims it sounds like a "cat fight" and nothing would come of it in court. Basically, she came to our house flipping out at him, screamed at him outside, i heard her tell him she had been banging on the door for half an hour before we answered it (we had been upstairs, did not hear anything). At that point he came inside, she started storming off to her car (she had their 5 year old in it, running and unnattended with the windows down while she did all of this). I told her to grow up, she stormed up to the door, we engaged in a verbal argument, she pushed the door in and punched me in the face, he got inbetween, took him about 5 minutes to get her out of the house, she kept fighting to get around him to hit me again. I called the police. I also applied for a peace order, the temporary one was approved (1 week), but the judge at my final hearing said it was a "mutual affray" or a "brawl" eventhough I never touched her, and denied it. In the future when she comes to our residence acting that way, he has agreed to call the police. They are currently in mediation, and they agreed in there that she is not to step on the property, part of "personal boundaries". To top it all off, after she found out I had pressed charges against her, she pressed charges against HIM for assault and false imprisonment, which is a total lie. Her statement in her charges and statement to the police officer (he went to her residence after he interviewed my boyfriend and i) are completely contradictory. When she talked to the police officer she admitted to hitting me, but said it was an accident, and made no mention of my boyfriend treating her badly at all, just stated that he "got in between us" but in her charges claims that he held her arms from behind her back and refused to let her leave. She is crazyyyy, and I am scared that this nonsense is never going to end. Even after the divorce is finalized. Custody is never final, and I know what this is all about ( because custody= money), I'm afraid she is just going to keep doing this kind of thing for the rest of our lives.

[4thelast1]

This was me 3 years ago. I could swear you were writing about me and my now husband. RUN!!!!! The EX never gets better only bitter. Seriously, write a child custody log. Keep a tab on what/where the child goes and how the Mother is. This is a daily log. No the EX should never come to your home!!! Find a nuetral place. It sounds if your BF is trying to placate her. He's got to stop, it only fuels her anger. Im telling you if what I know now back then I wouldnt be with my husband. Yes, I love him alot but sometimes I have to ask myself at what cost????? This woman will not get better, she resents you and him. Next time you get into a physical confrontation kick her * * *!!! I wish I did when I had the chance, I work in lawenforcement so it kind of stayed my hand. To this very day my hubbys Ex tries to do something to get even. Google this "Stepmoms on a Mission" this site will help you more than here and you'll get some good experianced advice.

[underpressure]

Thank you for the link to the smoms site, it has a lot of good information and advice. I understand (sort of, I have only been dealing with this stuff about a year) what you are saying in regards to "at what cost??" But I really love this man, and yes, I may be young and in way over my head with all of this nonsense, but I really cannot imagine finding someone who could be more loving and supportive than he is. Despite all of what is going on, I know he is now putting his best foot forward, it's just hard for me to get over the past and stop worrying about the future. I really wish there was some way to get through to his ex and make her realize, at the very least, how her actions are adversely affecting her daughter...if she doesn't already....I really don't see how she cannot see that, and I think she holds resentment towards my boyfriend because she KNOWS he is the better parent. When she has their daughter, she spends I'd say 85% of the time at her parent's house. I mean, she doesn't even cook for her child! My boyfriend has seen the contents of the fridge, and it consists of soda, hot pockets, pizza rolls, etc. What really bothers me is wanting to know WHY this woman is like this, I really feel the need to know, but at the same time, I am well aware that I never will, because I'm sure even SHE doesn't know. I just don't understand how some people can be so hateful.

[Shadows Light]

But from what his family and he himself have told me, their entire

relationship and post-relationship (before me) was like this. If he did anything she didn't like, she would throw a huge fit. If he wanted to take their daughter to the park or camping and she didn't want him to, she would take their daughter to her parents house and refuse him entry to the house or access to his daughter. If he didn't come over and fix something at the house or pay a bill because she was "broke" (she lived in their marital home for a year and a half after separating without paying one household bill) she would refuse him access to their child, even over the phone.

 

She's a spoiled brat. What do you know about her background? Her family home growing up? where did she learn these behaviors.

 

It really rests on your "BF's" hands. He's taught her to behave this way. She pushed the boundaries.. and kept getting away with it. She does what works for her.

 

You don't have children yet.... but trust me.. they PUSH YOU. At 3 years old they try the "TEMPER TANTRUMS" to get thier way.. and whoa is to you "MOM" if you give in. Becaue then everytime that child wants to get their way.. they will throw a trantrum.

 

MY "X" learned this behavior as a child. And his MOTHER was the same way... when and if she wanted things the way she wanted them... she'd throw a hissy fit and make life hell. DUH!!! and it was "ME" who allowed and indulged him those boundaries.

 

Harriet Learner wrote a book "Dance of Anger"... I found helpful in understanding angry people.

 

And there is one by Melodie Beatie "Co-dependency No more"....for those of us who allow people to push our boundaries.

 

I'm a single MOM... and I do fight my own battles with my "X"....and believe me that keeps me hopping. I am so scared that I will wind up in a postion like you are now...only worse by having to fight a battle on two fronts. I just won't do it. So I don't date.. eeek.

[Momene]

I may not be popular for saying this but in the case of this woman, it seems that murder should be legal. There are a (thankfully) few people who are just so plain nasty that they are a waste of space.

[Shadows Light]

I may not be popular for saying this but in the case of this woman, it seems that murder should be legal. There are a (thankfully) few people who are just so plain nasty that they are a waste of space.

 

It does cross ones mind sometimes don't it. There's a MOM whose kid is in the same cheerleading squad as my kid. I swear she walks around with a permanent "SCOWEL" on her face....if you try to exchange pleasanntries and small talk she looks at you like you are a maggot from mars. She's got this black dark cloud permeating through her pores and radiating out. You soooo don't want to be near her to catch those "KOOTIES" seems like a very angry person.

 

And the thing to do with these individuals??? DON'T take it personally. Its their reality. Their own poison. Getting involved with it... only gets that poison closer to you. As grandma always used to say..."The more you touch chit.. the more it smells... leave it be."