Getting her back.. Ladies HELP

[smiles21]

My answer to that and I have seen it before is that you answer the call or text or email with "do you want to get back together/try again".

 

If the answer is "no" or "dont know" then you simply say (something along the lines of) please dont contact me again until you have changed your mind.

 

But what if we have mutual friends now, like tonight for example. I have 3 other people I usually hang out with on the weekends, and she has attached herself to them as she never had friends of her own.

 

When they call me tonight to do something, Do I

 

A. Say sure, go, see the ex, and everything be weird for awhile, along with breaking my 1 day of NC.

 

B. Dont go, say I'm not really comforatable going right now, and have them talk * * * * about me behind my back. Not to mention sit home on friday-saturday night.

 

....

[papalazarou]

But what if we have mutual friends now, like tonight for example. I have 3 other people I usually hang out with on the weekends, and she has attached herself to them as she never had friends of her own.

 

When they call me tonight to do something, Do I

 

A. Say sure, go, see the ex, and everything be weird for awhile, along with breaking my 1 day of NC.

 

B. Dont go, say I'm not really comforatable going right now, and have them talk * * * * about me behind my back. Not to mention sit home on friday-saturday night.

 

....

 

 

You go. They are YOUR friends after all. You cant sit at home thinking what if. Furthermore I dont think your friends would be talking about you in a derogatory way behind your back. I know I wouldnt and I would like to think my mates wouldnt either.

 

I think Supedave posted something along the lines of - if you do see her you be nice, smile, pleasant but dont talk about the split or anything heavy. Keep it light and funny.

[smiles21]

You go. They are YOUR friends after all. You cant sit at home thinking what if. Furthermore I dont think your friends would be talking about you in a derogatory way behind your back. I know I wouldnt and I would like to think my mates wouldnt either.

 

I think Supedave posted something along the lines of - if you do see her you be nice, smile, pleasant but dont talk about the split or anything heavy. Keep it light and funny.

 

So you suggest I go.. and just deal with it..? Things are going to be so akward.. ugh.. want to just avoid her..

[papalazarou]

So you suggest I go.. and just deal with it..? Things are going to be so akward.. ugh.. want to just avoid her..

 

 

I know its going to be awkward but then there is no reason why you should put your life on hold. Anyway who is to say that she may feel uncomfortable about you being there and not go or leave early anyway?

 

Furthermore it will show that you are strong and confident. And women respect and dare I say like this in a man.

 

If you do see her make sure she sees a strong, confident you.

 

Easier said than done I know. You can still do NC after tonight.

[keefy1972]

If your friends are going to talk **** behind your back, are they really friends you should be hanging out with to begin with?? I say don't go. Is best to stay away because if she thinks you'll be there, shows up and you're a no show, she'll wonder what you're doing.

[smiles21]

If your friends are going to talk **** behind your back, are they really friends you should be hanging out with to begin with?? I say don't go. Is best to stay away because if she thinks you'll be there, shows up and you're a no show, she'll wonder what you're doing.

 

 

Thats what my thought was, as Im not ready to see her right now, and to start acting all fake again.

 

My buddies gonna ask me what I'm doing tonight though.. And she will find out.

[papalazarou]

But are they going to talk behind his back? I know my mates wouldnt. If you really think they would then as Keefy says dont go and they are not true friends. BUT if you know they would not then do it.

 

Of course you have to fake it.

 

But I tell you what I bet you "faking it" and being "happy" will make her more intrigued than you not showing up...she may even respect you for it.

[smiles21]

Well, she's a girl, and I think one of them likes her, so I think they have sided with her on everything. I've know them about a year, and she's known em for a few months.

 

She calls my buddies GF all the time. So she's close with them, and probably would go over without me.

[smiles21]

Going out with some old friends tonight, the group or her I hang out hasn't called yet either.

 

Cant wait to see some of my old friends! Going to the movies, then maybe a bar later!

[smiles21]

So, I feel like I needed to post here. When my old group hung out (2 of my buddies and his GF) we always were together on the weekends.

 

I talked to my one friend yesterday morning and afternoon and they we were trying to figure out what we were going to do last night. I figured my ex called my buddy or his GF and NOONE called me last night. So basically my ex stole my friends, and they all chose to hang out with themselves, and her. I introduced her to those people, I feel so betrayed. They ALWAYs would call as we were inseperable over the weekend. I'm so angry.

 

I went out with some people I havn't talked to in awhile to the movies, had fun and got home around 1:00am. I just cant believe they chose her over me. Probably because someone wants to get with her.

 

I cant believe her.

[smiles21]

Superdave..frisco? Scout?

 

Thoughts?

[smiles21]

NC Day..3.. So hard..

[smiles21]

So, I was online.. and poof.. message from her. We talked for a good hour and a half online.. I'm debating posting what was said.. but at the end I told her I had an appointment I had to get to.. and she still feels like I should be doing all the work to get her back.

 

I pretty much let her know she needs to put in effort, for some reason she feels like she doesn't. But I wanted the upper hand so I let her know I had to go, and just signed off, and said if she wants to email me or whatever thats fine. She knows how to get ahold of me. I think she was mad I didn't call her all weekend.. even though we aren't together.

[smiles21]

Convo:

 

H: so lets see its been 5 days now and not a word

M: I'm giving you your space, what I thought you wanted.

h: right thats it

m: Isn't that it?

h: well i guess so cuz havent heard a word from u since u left here on tuesday so i guess it doesnt matter

m Well, you feel it "Doesn't matter".

m: It matters to some of us.

h oh really does it cuz it matter so much u left here all pissy then dont talk to me thats cool

m: I did not leave pissy, I cant stress that enough.

m: I just couldn't put up with all your "hot" and "cold" behavior towards me. I was trying to be affectionate, cute, loving.. and just an all around caring person. But wasn't getting the same back.

h: well lets see...u send me flowers..be nice to me at the concert...i go away and then come home u come over throw this bag with a shirt in it...then u get all touchy feel and get pissy cuz i say no to getting any then u leave here and then come over the next night and want the same * * * * and said no and then i said i was tired and u got mad cuz i wouldnt lay with u and then leave her in a bad mood and then say yeah ill call u tomorrow then never do and now its sunday

m: That's so far from the truth..

h: oh is it? then u tell me how it is

m: Monday night, yes, I was acting like an idiot.. I apologized for that. Tuesday was not the same, I just wanted to be near you, and sit with you. Nothing else. I know you were tired, It was your first day back to work, and I knew you were exhausted. I sent those flowers because thats how I felt, I had a great time at the concert. I bought the shirt for you because I thought you would like it, I know I hadn't done the little things that I used to before, so I was trying to be sweet and I know you dont have a lot of money for new clothes. I'm sorry if you cant see that. I just felt like I was putting in 200% and you were being "So cold" to me,so different. You seemed different after you went away, you sent me that sweet email on Saturday, and that's the Christina I fell in love with. You returned on Monday and you sorta blindsided me with how different you were from Friday-Sat. But at no point on Tuesday was I trying to "Get any".

h: well see now u know whats it like to put way more into somethin for so long and not get back a part of what ur giving...and ive been acting like this cuz its like on min u try and then the next it like eh whatever and i dont hear from u and ur right on mon u were out of line and i dont think u think that im being seri about this * * * * and that now cuz ur trying its like ur trying to hard and being fake

m: How am I being fake?

m: Christina, I was showing you that person from 3 years ago, you said you wanted me to show you, not tell you in words so I did, and aparently it meant nothing to you..

m: I've been trying to what, 3 weeks or so now to show you, and you still think I'm being fake? Well then, I'm sorry for you then.

h: cuz its like ur over trying and i jsut think u dont want to do this anymore and ur ready to move on and do ur own thing ur going out downtown now and talking to and haning out with different people

m: But to show me "What its like to put way more into something" out of revenge? Thats right? I really dont feel like thats OK to be treated.

m: Like I said, I cant change how YOU feel. Only YOU can.

m: So.. I wasn't trying enough.. now I'm over trying.. what exactly is it you want? I dont think you really know..

m: If one is doing all the work, what is the point in trying?

h: well did u ever think that maybe u should have done this * * * * a long time ago and it wouldnt have gotten this far and its not me doing this in revenge...i told u that..no cuz u know what u made me feel this way about u cuz of things u did and what u said and you should be the oone putting things back together but if u think that i should be cuz i dont feel the same way about u then theres a problem cuz its ur fault i dont feel that way about u not mine i didnt do and say what u did to me...YOU did it...

m: So dwell on it? I thought you were ready to move forward? I guess not. Pointing the finger at me and saying i ruined everything, and I should have done it forever ago and I should have realized it, and everythings my fault.. is throwing it in my face. I apologized, I said I was sorry, what else can I do? Do you like saying those things to me? You have been saying that for two weeks now. I showed you howI felt about you truley in the past few weeks. I cant do anymore than that. I've been with you for roughly four years now, and your saying everything was my fault, how I treated you, etc. If you cant move forward, and move on from that what am I supposed to do? I need to find the person who will love me for me.. Who will share all the things I love to do, and not get mad, and be angry,and point the blame at me. I want to move out, and get married in a couple years, and have a family. I cant do that with someone who cant comprimise, and wont be there for me, and wont forgive, and forget and move forward about things. I need to find that girl that loves to do what I do, even if its something small. And that's what I found in you four years ago. Sure, everyone changes in time, and people change in that time period, and I dont know if your that girl that still likes and shares those same thigns.

h: im not pointing the finger at u but im just saying i never said things or put u last to make u fall out of love with me...and i honestly didnt think u could either but it happened...and im tyring to move forward and forget but what and how do u want me to be if im not in love with u and yes we used to have the same feelings and want the same things in life then in past like 6 months i kept talking about moving out and wanting to start a life with just us but then i didnt get anything but said that i dont make enough money and i need to find a better job and now all of a sudden u feel that way and things are supposed to be fine well there not and its cuz i wanted that for so long and told no and now u want it and im supposed to believe u and want to jump on it..how are we supposed to do that if we cant even live at separate houses and get along

m: Correct, because you cant forgive, and move forward. Because in your head your still dwelling on what happened that was wrong, or bad. I cant change that, or you. I cant make you fall back in love with me, you know that. I can only show you the person I am inside, and if thats not the person you love, then so be it. I never felt you were truly serious about me and you moving out and starting a life for just us. Sure I said you didn't make enough money, but I had a PLAN for us to start trying. I figured by this time next year I would have my real estate license, and I would be working in a better job, and I could afford that. Things aren't supposed to be fine, I have put things behind me, and I'm moving forward. And that's still my current plan with or without you. I'm becoming more independent every day so I can get out and be on my own. I tried fixing and rebuilding things with you three weeks ago, and you still think It's bull * * * *. I've even tried to show you. You still are blaming me, and saying you hate me, and the person I am, and how I treated you. That hurts me. I dont hold hate I guess, I just let things go now. I NEVER INTENTIONALLY PUT YOU LAST. You need to understand that. Again, I cant make you fall back in love with me, that's something your heart and mind needs to tell you,when your ready.

m: I dont think you love you right now Christina, so how can you love me if you dont even love yourself.

h: how would u know what i think or what i want right now and please do not tell me that i dont love myself cuz u dont know * * * * about that...i love me for me..my personality everything i just dont understand why i have to fix this problem if ur the one who made me fall out of love with u cuz of the things going on between us

m: I'm not saying you have to fix anything..

m: Seeing as I MADE you fall out of love..

m: I wouldn't ever intentionally do that, why would I?

m: I'm not the one who sits, and dwells on every little issue we ever had in our span of relationship. How is that healthy? What's the point? I dwell on the good times and memories that we had together.

h: im not saying u did this all on purpose i told u that before but like i said if i was the one who pused u away or made u not love me and i still loved u i would be busting my * * * to fix things

m: But If I cant have someone 100% sure they want to be commited to me, how can I even attempt to make them fall back in love. I did bust my * * * the last few weeks to show you the person I am, and my caring for you. But you still dont even see that.. And still think its me being fake.

h: well after this week again and u not talking to me i dont know if things are ever going to work...u ahve been doing alot of things different and i dont know if i can deal with that * * * *

m: Well than thats your answer right there.

m: I was giving you space, I was calling you all the time, and coming to see you, and it's like you didn't care.

h: cuz u went from one extreme to the next..not talking to me then being with me all the time

m: I guess you didn't want me to be with you all the time? Was that it?

m: A week, a month, a year, ten years from now, You and I will always have a special bond, a special feeling that we both know will remain with us together. We always have, it just felt right

 

m: And the day may pass, and we dont speak to eachother, or text, and at night,while we lie down to go to bed, and it's dark..one of us will think about the other and then sleep.. Thought's will always be there, they never truly left. And it makes our hearts skip a beat.. thats the feeling.

m: Did we take eachother for granted at times? Yea, I think so. But I realized that three weeks ago, and I stepped back and said hold on a second here.. something needs to change.

h: yeah but things started to change and now look that lasted for how long 2 weeks and then u dont pick up the phone to call me but have time to go out all weekend and talk to everyone else but cant call me i dont get that

m: How you were on Monday and Tuesday made me feel YOU didn't want to be with ME. That's why I backed off, you have a phone, I assume you havn't forgotten and deleted my number just yet.. It needs to be two ways, not one. That's the only way it will ever work. I felt like you wanted nothing to do with me on monday and tuesday. You seemed so distant.. so far away, so lost.. When friday night was amazing, It was the best time I have had with you in a long time. I need the "I love, him, I want to be with him", but your not there. I wanted to show you who I could be, and you were just, what seemed like, not interested.. so I keep pushing? and calling? and texting? And saying I love you? With nothing back?

h: yeah i used to be like that and wanted to be like that and felt like that but i dont knwo what happened well in some ways i do but i dont know what im supposed to do...i told u the night i came over to get my stuff that u needed to do the work and u needed to make me fall in love with u like u did the first time and u were fine with that and said dont u worry im going to and now all of sudden u dont want to do all the work and i have to make tons of effort too

m: If you dont feel like making any effort whats the point? You just want to sit back and watch me? How is that fair for me? That tells me that you dont care anymore, but me pushing you and calling you and texting with no response back that even gives me any kind of feeling that you still love me, why should I do that? Why do you want to play games like that? Maybe someday you will fall back in love, and will wake up that one morning and know you want to be with me, and share yourself with me.

h: its just u go from one extreme to the ne

h: forget that

m: If you were calling me all the time, texting me all the time, and I didn't give you any love back, how would you feel?

h: pretty * * * *ty but u cant say i havent cuz who texted who on weds when u were supposed to call me

m: supposed to call? It should never be like that, It should just be natural, like "Oh I havn't talked to Ryan today, I missed him, maybe I'll give him a call"..

h: oh yeah cuz u do the same to me right please

m: I do.. Wednesday I had an insanely bad busy day at work, I was so exhausted when I got home.

m: that's why I called you and showed you how it was the past couple weeks.. but you didn't care..

h: right but couldnt take but what like 5 secs to pick up the phone and call em and tell me that..NO..i texted u at like 7 and didnt get anything back until 9 the next day..u always have excuses of why you didnt call

m: this shouldn't be about calls, this should be "oh I miss christina, let me text her something sweet to show her that".

m: or.. I know she likes flowers, let me send her some to brighten up her day..

m: or.. I know she likes famous shirts.. and doesn't havea ton of money right now.. let me get this for her

m: or..I know she likes rubies let me ask if she wants me to bring her something for dinner..

h: yeah u say this * * * * now but when it comes down to it u dont do any of that..i told u i liked the flowers and then u say well u should they were 200 dollars and that what happens u do somehtin nice then throw it in my face of how uch it was

m: or.. let me run up behind her and grab her and kiss her to make her feel special..

m: I DID ALL OF THAT.

m: Thats the person I am! If you dont like it, or cant accept me for it there isn't much I can do. It isn't about the money, it never has been. You are more important to me than money, or cars, or material things. But I dont think you understand that.

h: no actually i dont cuz it doesnt stay consistent ry

m: I just know, that I needed to make you feel special, and when things like that dont.. I'm out of ideas.

m: And if you dont care anymore, and hate me as much you say you do.. please.. just let me be.

m: And if someday you want to work on us together, let me know, but i'm not going to tell you I'm not going to look for someone to give my heart to.. and to share my experience and life with.

h: i dont hate u as much as u think i do...but its impossible to think and know what i want if everyday things are different

h: see thats my point u said ur going to do all this stuff to make things work and make me fall in love wiht u again and then this * * * * again..i have to come find u and do all this * * * *..

h: thats bull * * * *

m: I think thats what hurts the most..

m: The fact you could actually hate me..

m: I could never hate you.. even after everything..

h: i always have to do all the * * * *ing work and i give u the chance to do somehting back and look what happens u did it for a little bit and cant handle it and give up and now i have to do the rest well im sick of doing that..its not fair to me

m: You were giving me nothing back when I put the work in, I remember when you contacted me and wanted togetback with me.. that I gave you SOMETHING back.

m: I said, I missed you, and loved you.. and missed being together just doing dumb * * * *.

m It's YOU that cant handle it. It's YOU who HATES me.

h: right ok

m: And thats your response.

m: "right ok".

m: FEELINGS

m: Open up to me for Chris Sakes

m: There goes that wall again.

m: What have you got to lose?

h: everything cuz i sit here and talk about * * * * and yet im still supposed to do everything..u just dont understand what im trying to show u

m: This is more like you telling me about * * * *, and me being the one to talk again.

m: Not telling me HOW your feeling.

m: I understand you want me to work, and fight, but when I get COLD NOTHING back, what would any human being think?

m: I've been trying to knock that wall down for 4 years!

m: You have opened up to me before, I know that,

h: the wall has been down but its now up again cuz you say something today then want something totally different the next day and now that u want what ive wanted for along time..for me i dont even think about that stuff anymore cuz like i said i dont know what u really want out of me and life

h: yeah i do want u to work and bust ur * * * for me for once and do everything u say ur going to do but i dont know what to believe cuz ur still saying i have to do stuff to and im i told u im not and im sticking to it..

 

I ended the convo shortly after saying I had to go..

 

Then she got pissed at me later that I just signed off because I had an appointment.

[papalazarou]

You know what she sounds just like my sort of ex at the moment. Especially the bit about liking gifts and then "throw it back in her face". Also that she wont open up. You feel unappreciated. I know I did. However she hasnt said I need to make her fall in love with me again. Regrettably since then my g/f has been diagnosed with quite bad depression.

 

I didnt realise that you only knew these "buddies" for about a year. I would say your true mates are the ones you went to the cinema with.

 

I have friends that I have known for a year. My true friends are those that have been with me thru lots of sh1t. Divorce, breakups etc and have been around for many years.

 

Anyway it sounds at the moment that you are both point scoring and probably its a good thing to carry on with your NC until such time as you can discuss sensibly. The conversation that you had does sound like an argument and I can bet if you were face to face you would be shouting!

[smiles21]

We met up last night after the email from yesterday, I told her I need to let her know how I feel, and to know how she feels. We talked for about 3 hours, and I cried, and she cried. She is just upset that she has gotten to this point.. after four years a couple bad months have corrupted things. She says she doesn't know what it will take to get her back, something I need to figure out. And I need to fight for her, and show her who I can be.

 

Not for a day, a week, a month.. I need to get her back into my life, and I'm going to fight.. I'm going to force myself to change my personality, and how I acted, and to CALL HER more, and text her, not her texting me. I need to do it all one way.. and not change day by day.. not go one day talking, and then three days not.

 

NC wont work for me, she will be gone if I were to continue it. I have to wear my heart on my sleeve.. and If it doesn't work, and she doesn't come back.. I can SAY I TRIED. And never look back and have doubts. And I gave it my best.This is my last chance.. Last night it was pretty emotional, she would just say she doesn't want to talk to me if she didn't want to try.

 

I know I pushed her away, I need to pull her back. When we were done talking I had her get out of the truck, and just hugged her.. we both hugged eachother tight and cried, and I looked into her eyes and said I loved her.. and she said the same thing back. Probably just sat out in the cold for 5 minutes shivering. I didn't want it to end.

 

I then told her she needed to go, and I would watch her leave.. She drove off and I texted her a couple times, and she replied.. she said she loved me, and to show her what I'm about..

 

This is my last chance.. all on the line now.