Getting her back.. Ladies HELP

[smiles21]

Well, this may be long.. but I've been dating the same girl for about 4 years, we broke up last year because we were fighting too much, and getting used to the relationship, etc. We got back together after about 3 months of the breakup. Things were good for awhile but about a month ago they started going bad again. It was mainly my fault for pushing her away, I know I didn't treat her as she should be sometimes. And I am kicking myself regretting that. We sat down last week and I apologized about everything, told her I loved her and wanted things to work. She said OK, but we need to get that love back.

 

So last week I tried to be cute, and nice, and it was going OK until this weekend and it was my birthday. She seemed very distant and upset. So the weekend went by and then we really didn't talk monday. She said she wanted to come get some of her things she left at my house, as we exchanged some nasty things that both of us didn't mean. She came over last night to get them and wanted to talk to me. She cried, said she did love me.. but wasn't in love with me. And she wanted to have that back. But it's on me. She broke up with me last time and came back, made the effort.

 

She is breaking it off this time again, but says I need to get her back. I need to show her and make her fall back in love with me. She's going away this weekend to visit a friend, so we both wont see eachother. But I know I pushed her away, and It kills me to think I did that again. How do I show her I love her, and put her mind back into that place where she's in love with me? I had plans to move out together in a year, get engaged a year after that.. She still wants those things, but we need to get back into love.

 

I know you wont be able to tell me exactly what to do, but any helpfull suggestions would be appreciated. We have some mutual friends now, so she hangs out with them, I kinda wanted to stay distant for awhile. But she says this is the last time, so I'm not sure what to do. If this doesn't work.. we never will. (By the way, she's 21, I'm 23)

 

](*,)

 

Any help is appreciated, I planned on sending her flowers tomorrow to her work, maybe she will think about me this weekend. Is any of this possible? Or am I day dreaming..

[babypink61]

Are you sure you really want to stay in this relationship? It just seems like your relationship is in a constantly cycle of breaking up and making up and it doesn't sound very healthy.

[longhaircats]

Dear Smiles,

 

Sorry that you are in pain. My ex and I had a lot of fights during our 2.5 years relationship, and after our breakup, I read a book about "5 love languages." You can find it here: link removed

 

The book basically explains that there are five types of love language, such as word of affirmation etc., and each person has a primary love language that they use when expressing their love or feel loved. If a couple talk different languages, sometime your partner does not feel loved although you are showing your love in your way. I found it quite useful, because I realized that my ex really wanted to hear words of affirmation, like "you look great" or "I'm so proud of you",but I was not giving him much of them. He got very insecure and gave up on us. Unfortunately it was too late for me to apply it for my ex, but you are still in a position to get her love back. So it may help you to understand how to make your girl feel loved and cared.

 

Good luck!

[sillygurl]

dear smiles:

 

I agree with babypink, it does seem like a tumultous relationship. But if you truly feel like you want her back, than spare no effort. If you pushed her away before, do whatever you can to show her you love her- send her flowers, or cards, or write her poetry...a lot of girls really like that kind of thing.

 

But make sure you are doing what is best for you. If you are going to go to all that, or any other effort, make sure it really is from your heart! Be sure your actions are an expression of how you really feel about her, not just the way you are feeling right now, at this moment, if that feeling will fade in a couple of hours, or whenever she comes back.

 

Here's another thought...Maybe it would be a good idea for you to examine why you pushed her away, look at the reasons within yourself that caused you to fear intimacy with her. If you can conquer those feelings and figure out how you can prevent yourself from causing yourself more heartache in the future, you might be able to be a better partner in the long run.

 

Good luck!

[smiles21]

Thanks for all the advice, she really is worth it. I love her truly.. We went to a concert together friday night and I held her the whole time, even though we aren't technically together. Satuday she went to visit a friend about 100 miles away, and she sent me an email that morning before she left about what a great time she had, and she sees im trying to win her love back, and how she loves me.. I sent her $80 in flowers on Friday at her work and she loved them.

 

This is my last chance I think, I just dont want to mess it up.. god I miss her.

[smiles21]

Well, she sent me another txt on Sunday saying she missed me, she was away visiting a friend. She came back home yesterday, and her cell phone was pretty much dead as she didn't bring her charger. So she called my work phone when she was at a gas station from her cell before they left, I guess she had service there.

 

She said she would call me later in the day, as she had stuff to do when she got home and was exhausted. I decided to stop down to the mall and pick up some things, and I ended up buying her a shirt I thought she'd like. She called around 7:30pm and left a message, I called her back and said I'd stop over for a little while to see how her trip was, etc.

 

I drove over, and gave her the shirt I bought her, she liked it, but was distant. I gave her a kiss and said I missed her, she kinda said the same, but was still distant.

 

It's like she gets frustrated with things, like asking what I did over the weekend then she insists on saying were not together and I can do what I want. It's weird. I dont know really what to do, as I'm getting mixed signals with her. She and I both know we need to rebuild if we ever wanna be truly together in the future. She asked me to call her tomorrow.

 

So what do I do? I know she wants me to chase her, but it feels like I've been doing it but trying too hard, you know what I mean? I dont want to push her away, but should I play the no contact card? I dont think it's a good idea here, as she said this is the last time.. She basically said she isn't IN love with me, but loves me. And that I need to figure out how to get her back IN love with me..It hurts as I feel sort of in limbo, but It's me making the moves to kiss her MOST of the time.. Idea's?

[Survictor]

I would be confused too! Umm, it is possible that she has have another guy and she is confused about who she wants to be with? Personally, I think I would back off for a time.

[smiles21]

I would be confused too! Umm, it is possible that she has have another guy and she is confused about who she wants to be with? Personally, I think I would back off for a time.

 

I'm pretty sure this isn't the case. I pushed her away pretty badly for about a month I think...

[SuperDave71]

Smiles21,

 

The definition of insanity is doing the SAME thing and expecting a different result.

 

You have a distinct pattern in your "relationship" and I suggest you analyze it and CHANGE for the better.

 

 

LEAVE HER ALONE....and I mean COLD TURKEY. Why don't you buy her a bow so when she plays you like a violin you it will sound better.

 

I knwo you love this girl but you are CONSTANTLY trying to prove your love to her. What does she do.....she pushes you away and what is she doing for you?

 

Well you are posting here so I don't need an answer to that one. The fact stands that you need to NOT ONLY LEAVE HER ALONE...you need to SHOW HER that this HOT and COLD behavior is NOT GOING TO BE TOLDERATED.

 

If she needs time...GIVE IT TO HER....and I mean COMPLETELY! NO CALLS, no EMAILS..NO TEXTS...NOTHING.

 

 

I have a theory I call the toy box...What this means is, she pulls you out when it is convient for her and then puts you back (cold behvior) when she is done "playing" with you.

 

Be a man and stand up for what you want my friend. When someone in grade school played with you too rough, did you tell them to stop? Did it make a difference?

 

My point is, show her....its either 100% or hit the road. You deserve to be treated fairly and lovingly. She she is unable to give that to you.....MOVE ON..

 

VERY VERY SIMPLE REALLY..... I know you love her...I know it hurts you that she is doing this BUT LOOK AT FROM A REALISTIC POINT OF VIEW...

 

The behavior is NOT CHANGING...and you are back feeling like a crud.

 

 

My advice is to START FULL NC for at least 2 months so you can get yoru feelings sorted out and SHOW her you are NOT to be played with.

 

 

 

Good Luck,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[sandyv]

Excellent post as per usual SuperDave71... just pure common sense!!!

[jps]

SuperDave,

 

Are you against any rekindling of a friendship? In other words, reconciliation or nothing? Does it ever start up as a friendship again and then into something more if she initiates contact? Or, is it COMPLETE NC until she calls with the sincere desire of reconciliation?

[SuperDave71]

Hello...

 

 

To answer the question....of COURSE i am NOT against friendship. This situation si clearly ONE sided. He is doing all the work and she is hot and cold.

 

She is playing him like an idiot and I believe he needs to get his head on straight.

 

I do not believe that once intimacy has been achieved that one cannot just TURN off the caring and loving and become "friends". It takes time, healing, understanding and compassion for one another FROM BOTH PARTIES involved.

 

If one is doing all the work, what is the point in trying? Why go to work if you are doing everyone else's job and ONLY get paid for yours?

 

I believe in rekindling friendship BUT ONLY AFTER TIME HAS PASSED.

 

 

I do not believe this girl knows what she wants but I can sure tell him....that if he doesn't want to be USED again....He can certainly SHOW HER WHAT SHE CANNOT HAVE.

 

 

Does that make any sense?

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[smiles21]

Superdave,

 

Thank's for the reply, your insight is appreciated. I know that I need to fix things, I pushed her away, I treated her like garbage for a couple months not realizing it. It was majorly my fault, and our inability to talk about our issues.

 

She always put effort into the relationship and I took her for granted. NC Is going to push her away for good, I'm pretty certain of that. She wants to take things slow, I cant push her back into dating me.

 

It's been a long four years, and I'd like to marry her someday, but we need to fix US first.. SD, you are saying this isn't possible?

[journey05]

"LEAVE HER ALONE....and I mean COLD TURKEY. Why don't you buy her a bow so when she plays you like a violin you it will sound better."

 

Ohh snap!

 

I think you have it better than you think bud. I do agree with Dave though..to an extent.

If the problem was with you pushing her away before then you have to do what you can not to show any sign of that. Remember though too that she probably has some underlying trust issues with you and that can be confusing. But, put some time and space in between you two..for the best intentions..and things will start to come together. I'm not sure how in the end, but they will. Slow and steady... Don't Picard this thing and go to warp speed. I wouldn't blow her off completely here either. IMO I don't feel like shes using you but thats just my opinion.

 

Good luck mate.

[smiles21]

Yea I dont feel used either, just confused where we stand. Were not together, but we do things together, kiss, and call/txt one another.. Just a title change I suppose. I know this needs time, and she needs time.

 

I realized things were going bad about two weeks ago, and sat down and talked with her, and she said she was so far pushed away. I need to pull her back..

[pinklizard]

Hi smiles, in a similar type of story, I pushed my other half very far away. And now, racked with guilt and the knowing what I've lost, I can't get him back. However, he IS sending mixed signals that he wants to be in touch and take things one step at a time.

 

I would really suggest some time and distance for old hurts to heal, neither would i go completely off his radar. Instead, what I intend to do is find happiness for MYSELF, grow individually first, and have him be a small part of my life as a friend and companion. That's just me

[smiles21]

Yea, she still calls me to come over and hang out, so It's confusing. I went over last night, and stayed distant, and she sat on the couch with me, etc.

 

Not sure of the right approach here, because I just want to grab and kiss her.

[smiles21]

Well, I decided yesterday that I didn't want to contact her, so I didn't.. then at around 8:00pm she txt's me.. "So what did I do today to not get a phone call".

 

I didn't respond.. Then at around 9:15pm another came. "Oh isn't that just fantastic"..

 

I responded this morning saying I got home from work late, and went right to bed as I had a really bad day at work.

 

She responded with "Ok".

 

...whats up with that?

 

Now, we have mutal friends that I introduced her to, and these are really her only friends now. So we will see eachother on the weekends, I dont think NC will work as she will think I'm playing games with her and push her even further away.. it's hard as I still care, but I'm not sure how to go.

[river dog]

She responded with "Ok" ...whats up with that?

 

She was looking for a reaction. You gave her one so she's happy. Just a guess.

[smiles21]

She was looking for a reaction. You gave her one so she's happy. Just a guess.

 

Well I gave her one 12 hours later.. It's not like I went running to the phone. ...?

[vesper]

 

I just want to grab and kiss her.

 

that's really *cute*....

 

 

maybe you should ...next time you see her.....

[smiles21]

that's really *cute*....

 

 

maybe you should ...next time you see her.....

 

 

Yea I could, and I'd probably get a cold response back..

[smiles21]

SD, I just read like 15 of your post you started on your situation, and what you went through. Sounds somewhat similar to mine. You are right, we are just blindsided but what happens and we do DUMB things. I really appreciate your input, as you understand. You are a valuable resource here.

 

I'm struggling, but I'll live. This IS NOT the end of my world. I will refuse to let it control me day in and day out. I will just stay here.. listening to you folks, who I cant thank enough.

[dreamguy]

Smiles21,

My advice is to START FULL NC for at least 2 months so you can get yoru feelings sorted out and SHOW her you are NOT to be played with.

 

What if she calls him ? texts him ? emails him ?

Won't she just give up if he doesn't answer ?

 

You always hear people saying that you have to act in a certain manner depending on what you want as a result:

 

1) If you never want to hear from her again then never answer her.

2) If you want to make her understand that her behavior is not tolerated but still want to keep a door open then answer when she calls but just don't initiate contact yourself.

 

What do you think about this ?

[papalazarou]

What if she calls him ? texts him ? emails him ?

Won't she just give up if he doesn't answer ?

 

You always hear people saying that you have to act in a certain manner depending on what you want as a result:

 

1) If you never want to hear from her again then never answer her.

2) If you want to make her understand that her behavior is not tolerated but still want to keep a door open then answer when she calls but just don't initiate contact yourself.

 

What do you think about this ?

 

 

My answer to that and I have seen it before is that you answer the call or text or email with "do you want to get back together/try again".

 

If the answer is "no" or "dont know" then you simply say (something along the lines of) please dont contact me again until you have changed your mind.