Being sucked into the blackhole again...

[ld25]

Hi,

I have been feeling very low in spirits, self-esteem, confidence and above all confused and lost! I am feeling I am being sucked into the blackhole of depression AGAIN....

 

I can understand my feelings to some extent and can relate it to the things that has been happening around me and my whole life. But, however I always tend to think negative of myself and dont want to go thro' this emotional turmoil...

 

I always end up thinking that i dont want to feel depressed and I am not fit to live in this world normally...

 

anyway, all those things comes next....but first thing i feel is i dont want to live in this world.....For some reason, i feel i want to escape all this and go away somewhere far and relax....I try my best to walk away, go for a walk, sit somewhere etc., But at the end, i still feel that i'm not feeling any better no matter what i do or what i convince myself...

 

I just wish i was dead....I know even that is a difficult thing to happen....but i wish i had some peace somewhere....

 

had enough with everything....i even forced myself to login here b'cos i didn't think anything would make me feel any better right now....apart from shutting myself away from my mind....i dont know how to do that....

 

would somone please help in someway..anyway...

 

tearless,

LD

[NJRon]

I can definitely understand the feeling of not wanting to exist anymore. Or, of wanting change, but not feeling motivated to make it. Have you sought any treatment for depression? I think that, if you are actually feeling as if you didn't exist, it is a clue that you should seek out professional help... there's nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

I am glad that you chose to get on this board and express yourself. Shutting yourself away just increases the isolation and plunges you deeper. What is going on in your life that you wish you could change... the things you would like to get away from?

[Axel3sRoxas]

Depression can tend to make you feel quite numb, past the point of tears, to exactly how you feel. I regularly feel like curling up in a ball and vanishing, but sometimes it's best to surround yourself with friends, family and things you love doing. I know it's hard to push negative thoughts out of your head, but when you feel yourself going down, you should try reading or even light some candles and sit in a dark quiet room. Death is never the answer, so please don't feel as if you shouldn't exist.

[ld25]

Thanks Ron,

I hate going for professional help...i know it'll help me...but i think that sometimes its utter waste of time....they just help u find different possibilities of not feeling bad....But the thing is that i am feeling bad and i cannot stop it and i think time should heal it hopefully....

 

I have been on anti-depressants a year ago and stopped taking them altogether b'cos i felt better and i had the confidence that i can manage and face my hurdles and emotions from then...

 

But may be i was wrong??? If so, can I take the anti-depressants i still have?? i dont know...but i do think i need help but not very sure...and I hate going back on that track again...

 

I wish i could recover myself...

 

still no tears, and i wish i could cry...and sometimes i do but it makes me feel even worse...

 

thanks for listening..

LD

[ld25]

Thanks Axel,

I knew i was going to curl up and shut myself in my room for ever...and never wanting to leave my room..I lied down for an hour and then decided i dont want to get stuck in my room and it'll probably make things worser..

 

I went for a walk and thoughtfully, i rang a friend of mine and chatted with him abt my emotions and he was very helpful...i was feeling better...but now i am back to square 1 within an hour of helpful chat...

 

So, i gather that things aren't getting better by just talking or listening or whatever...may be...i just need to kill my time or do something until i get exhausted and drag myself back to my room..

 

to be honest, i dont really know what to do...i only know that i am not feeling comfortable with myself, my situation and everything....i dont know where i could run away....probably disappear??

[NJRon]

I recommend doing therapy and medication together. One without the other is not nearly as effective for depression but, if I had to choose, I would probably go the therapy route and see if that helped first. Having someone to talk to, in person, is a great help by itself. You have been through some rough spots this year and sometimes, having someone to really talk them out is a great benefit.

 

If you notice a pattern of falling into depression, then that may speak to something a little more chronic, that the two methods in combination will help. I know, when I need the help the most, it's the hardest to make myself get it. I have learned then, that when I resist it the most is the very time that I need to go out there and Get r done...

 

As for your existing medication, I wouldn't take it right now. I would speak with a doctor and discuss how it helped and any side effects you had. You really need to cooperate with someone and not go your own way, otherwise they can't help effectively.

 

In the end though, you know that you have felt better before and, so, know that you can feel better again. It seems that you felt good while you were on medication and stopped. I think it would be beneficial to revisit that, in conjunction with therapy...

 

Just my opinion... I've been there and it was a tremendous help to me. It gave me the ability to pull out of the depression and, through therapy, deal with the *real* issues that were causing it in the first place. You don't want to just treat the symptoms.. but go for the cure.

[ld25]

Thanks Ron,

Yes, i understand that the therapy in combination with medications will work. But I feel that it's not a simple issue that i can deal with...

 

Everytime, I go thro' an emotional turmoil or a disaster in life, I just get so much absorbed into it that i find it very hard to get out of it...

 

I just cannot face even simple things in life...i tend to always cling on for some kind of support and eventually things get worser...

 

ok...i guess i might have to explain the exact situation. It hurts and I know many of you will tell i am stupid and i know i am but i cannot find my way out...

 

i like this guy and we have been seeing each other for nearly 3 years now. He made it clear to me more than a year ago that he doesn't want this relationship to go on further etc., However, i had no choice but to accept his decision but i still had feelings for him strongly. I was in madly in love with him that i decided to kill myself to end my pain but i failed miserably. I was on therapy & medications and felt better when i visited home and i stopped my treatment.

 

However, i got back to uni and things turned out in such a way that he moved in with me. It's been more than a year we lived together and we have occasionally argued for some silly past issues but always patched up. About a month ago, I spoke about our relationship and he just said that it wont work out between us and we are not compatible etc., He said, but he'll think abt it...(most likely to be a no again...)

 

Two days ago we had a silly argument and now he's found a flat for himself and he moved some of his stuff out. I was really upset that i had to pour my heart out and burst into tears. He convinced me that he'll visit me often and I know he might ...but it confirms to me that this is one step away from our relationship and it's almost certainly starting to go downhill from now on...

 

I dont know how to handle this and I have become so clingy again that i dont want him to leave me....but he has left already and i feel i am being dumped again...

 

i have not eaten anything in the last 2 days and hardly slept and didn't show up to the uni too....I am worried that this might affect my studies just like last year and i am feeling helpless and trapped in this turmoil...

 

worried,

LD

[NJRon]

Yes, i understand that the therapy in combination with medications will work. But I feel that it's not a simple issue that i can deal with...

 

I want you to know that I hear what you are saying. I understand. You have just repeated a pattern here. You are, essentially, in the same place you were when you first broke up.

 

You started off your post with the above... and then proceeded to give a 'But'... Everything after that 'But' says that you should be seeing a therapist right now... and possibly *also* a psychiatrist. This is something that you are having difficulty dealing with alone and exactly the reason why you should seek help.

 

Seek help when you need it. That's what it's there for. You deserve the help. You deserve what is right for you... to treat youself with love and forgiveness. Don't let the thoughts in your head talk you into believing you are not worth loving yourself. Deep down, you know you are.

 

It's time to just do what you got to do to help yourself out of this hole. At first it'll be tough.. but you have been through it before and you know it gets easier and better. And, if you stick with it this time, things might even keep improving beyond what you thought possible.

[NJRon]

i have not eaten anything in the last 2 days and hardly slept and didn't show up to the uni too....I am worried that this might affect my studies just like last year and i am feeling helpless and trapped in this turmoil...

 

just wanted to point out that this is self-destructive... and I know you know that. You cannot repair your sense of self-worth by doing things that chip away at it. The only way to improve your self-esteem is to do things that make you proud. No matter how little you care... how little you think they are... start taking the baby steps necessary to repair your self-esteem.

 

That means eating even when you don't feel like it. It also means either going to classs, or *not* going to class and *not* feeling bad about it... one way or the other... to skip class *and* feel guilty/worried about it is only going to hurt. Get outside and walk around so that you can get some exercise and, ideally, feel a bit more tired so you can sleep later.

 

best wishes... hang in there and come on back to vent or talk things out...

[ld25]

Hi everyone,

Guess what??? I've decided to give a break to myself from thinking that i'm depressed...may be I am not actually depressed and i am too sensitive to things and feel very very bad so easily when things go wrong...

 

I have lots of things to do at uni & at home. I think at the end of the day my success matters and I do not want to be left behind. I have to do my laundry, clean my room and I have already started b'cos may be everything will pile up soon and then I might actually get depressed with the whole thing....I've challanged myself and decided not to let myself down at this crucial time of breaking up or determining to be a strong person...I want to be a strong person ...

 

At the end of the day, I am a nice & lovely person. I am very very kind and generous to everyone and all my friends admire my qualities. I am quite intelligent too and I've managed to pull thro' so many obstacles so far....I'm just nearer to my goal and I do not want to be handicapped by this fear of losing someone I love most. Atleast I am glad that he's going to be around and he will still be my friend and I can see him and talk to him if I want to. (Well...i need to stop and rethink here and not call him everyday or see him often.)

 

I don't think I can imagine myself getting married to someone who doesn't love me or have the same feelings for me....and so may be it's all happening for good....

 

I am going to make some positive changes to my room, looks, everything and feel the difference...

 

May be I should understand that I cannot hold on to a person when they are determined to leave and I should move on...

 

Anyway, as of now, I do not want to take on too many things...I'll start with doing the essential work at home....and then use my free time to do something that distracts me or occupies my full attention....

 

I only pray it helps...as I do not want to take the medications anymore.....

 

Will keep u all updated....

 

Thanks again for letting me vent out and for listening...

 

Love,

LD

[NJRon]

Sounds like you are on the right track!

[ld25]

Thanks Ron,

Yes, u're right abt my self-respect and feeling guilty. I have very low self-esteem and i feel guilty for even the things that i am not responsible for...

 

I know i need help...but the fear of going thro' the whole process is much more than the process itself...I have severe side effects due to my attempt last year and also due to the medications. I do not want to go thro' the same thing and gain one thing and lose another.

 

I have had the courage to face so many things in the past and have never complained abt anything nor depressed seriously abt anything until I let any guy into my life. But things started to go wrong, when I always loved the guy more than myself and anything else in this world. I started to build and re-arrange my whole life surrounding my love and this guy and everytime someone lets me down, I crumble down and fall deep into this black hole. May be (not may be, certainly) this is where i go wrong....i just love others too much...and may be even trust them too much.

 

I have learnt my lessons twice and I think it's me who has to change. I am going to be positive about everything happening and not let it interfere with my feelings.

 

yes, i should be eating...i know but it was hard for me to motivate to even live as of when the incident took place....I feel the hunger now and i am glad i feel it.

 

Thanks again for listening and for your advice...I will see how it goes on for few more days and if my own determination doesn't help...then may be seek help....(which sounds like another big fear to me...I donno why...)

 

Thanks,

LD

[ld25]

Hi,

hope i am not bi-polar....anyway...time will tell me if i am or not....or atleast someone of u might..

 

thanks,

LD

[NJRon]

I'm mildly bi-polar... it comes with it's own stuff to deal with and coping mechanisms to learn that take a long time... don't self-diagnose... that's what professionals are for.

 

You are right that you need to be the one to change yourself... coaching sometimes helps.. but, in the end, it's up to you. Just keep going how you're going now... baby steps. Don't take too much on at once. And know... every small thing you do that you can be proud of... no matter how tiny it may seem... builds on itself and, after a while, becomes a large foundation.

[ld25]

Hi Ron,

Thanks for ur encouragement. i've managed to do some tidying up, laundry etc., I did something that i had always wanted to do...Listen to music/radio and fall asleep....I pulled thro' atleast a day! I am pleased abt that.

 

Also, i am at uni now which is good.

 

Surprisingly, i had a message from another friend of mine saying that she's going out tonite and wanted me to join them. I always enjoyed her company and she's good to talk too although i've never shared any of my personal things with anyone apart from this guy whom i love. I am not up for any partying right now so I haven't made up my mind yet.

 

A big thing that stands in my way of letting him go is that i had asked him to stay with me despite the fact that he's moved out. This happened when i was really upset and at the time of him moving out...So now he's staying at my flat. I am happy that he's standing besides me when i need him but the hardest thing is for him to move away when im in such an emotional state. But i am going to be in the same state anytime that he's gonna leave....So I am not really sure what's happening here....I am afraid that i might push him to the extent that he just walks aways ignoring me one day....which makes me very clingy and forces me to ring him every often.

 

I still want to be friends with him but without feeling upset when he moves out completely and I dont know how to get that courage....

 

I hope to feel better & strong and pray to get the courage to let him pass....If I do this, I am sure, I would have overcome the fear in my mind of letting go of someone i love most and also it will help healing the wound/pain of a similar past experience.

 

My ex bf left me one day in shock after a 4 year relationship and it totally devastated me. It took me so much courage and pain to trust someone again and very often the pain and fear affects my present relationship and most of the times i think that it is an obstacle to all my relationships and it seems to get nowhere...

 

i am glad im sharing all these experiences here as i feel more light hearted now...

 

another day to pass...

 

LD

[NJRon]

It sounds like you're in a much better frame of mind. I would suggest going out, if it were me. It's good to be around people and you want to be broadening your social circle, not isolating yourself. Even if you call it an early night for yourself, you can go, be upbeat, bond a bit.

 

As for your ex... it is nice that he is staying with you right now, but you need to prepare yourself mentally for him leaving. I would take it slowly here, concerning the firends thing. It's not good to rely on just one person for emotional support.

 

I'm glad you're bale to share on here. I think it is a great outlet.

 

Hang in there ... one day at a time

[ld25]

Hi Ron,

Thanks for all the encouragement! I have been taking one day at a time and yes, I have managed to nail down my feelings and narrow it to do positive things. There has been ups and downs but fortunately, I managed to get back to my old self (very old self) of getting used to be on my own and being productive without worrying. I have been doing good lately and been to uni every single day (not happened for a very long time)!

 

Some positive changes and I am proud of myself abt all these.

 

However, there has been times when my depression/clingy feeling crops up and makes me a nasty person to others around me. I managed to understand why i've been feeling so insecure and unworthy.

 

Also, I am very glad that for the first time, I have fought and stood up for myself despite others trying to pull me down. I spoke for what i thought was right and rightfully I stood up for myself and this has made me feel better!

 

Once again, I hope I can get rid of my negative emotions and focus on the right things. All I want is a better person out of me! (I want to learn from what's happening around)!

 

Thanks again to everyone for listening and letting me vent out! Atleast, I know that someone somewhere cares...

 

Thanks,

LD

[NJRon]

Again, it sounds like you are putting a lot of work into yourself. That's always a good thing. Don't worry about changing too much too fast... we are only human. Change takes a long time. Just keep mindful and keep making the small changes to be the person you want to be.

 

Keep it up

[ld25]

I've tried so hard to manage my feelings but now everything seems to be a disaster. I am getting so angry with myself and others around me...i mean everyone around me. I seem to hate everyone including me. I dont know where my life is leading to...Im totally lost and am not able to think or even see anything even physically. Constantly negative thoughts and insecure feelings are running in my mind and head and i get so annoyed by not being able to run away anywhere where i can get rid of my thoughts.

 

I am fed up of everything and i just feel that im not fit to live in this world. I have a feeling that everyone are so mean and they just make use of you. No one in this world actually cares for me. I mean no one...and this annoys me a lot. Why is it wrong to expect to be loved??? I've loved and made others feel better when they are down....but I dont get anything back from anywhere when i need love and care....

 

I just dont fit enough to even exist in this diplomatic world. I am not cut out to be here....may be i dont belong here at all....

 

I just dont want to live....im giving up all my hope....may be it's not depression.....but desperation to be loved....whatever but i dont care of what the label is....but i dont feel good at all....i just want to be washed away quickly...

 

LD

[NJRon]

How are you feeling today?