cheating wife

[New_Horizons]

I agree with doman. If I was in that position, I would demand to know. No matter how ugly the details, it couldn't be uglier than what I can imagine. That counselor's advice is wrong, wrong, wrong! Perhaps women are comfortable with the "don't tell me and I won't think about it" attitude but most men HAVE to know.

[doman]

Well, New Horizons, I'll be honest. I want to know because 1) if my wife is willing to have sex with three other guys, then she has GOT to want to have sex more than she was leading me on to believe. And 2) if she was willing to do it in a car in a parking lot...or with the guys wife waiting in the other room, then she sure as heck better not turn me down the next time I want to do it some where strange.

 

It has been about 17 years since we have done it anywhere even remotely strange. Like once we did it in a university photo darkroom. It is not that I haven't asked since then...she just always says no. So to find out just 9 months ago, she went to meet a guy getting off from work and they did it in the car...that frustrates me even more so. It definitely sucks to know...but deep down, I just want her to be that premiscuous with me.

 

Actually, I just want her to want me right now. She is so dang depressed...she doesn't even want to live. She is WILLING to have sex with me anytime I want...but it isn't any fun because I know her heart isn't there.

 

So, maybe making them tell us everything is so great. I think it just made my wife feel worse about what she did. So, maybe if your wife is really, and truly remorseful, maybe making them tell us has a bad side effect for them as well.

[hogan10]

Doman- really sorry to hear you have suffered a similar experience,I don't know if you agree, but surely nothing else can be as painful as this. Still it sound as if you and your wife are working through it,which gives me hope.

 

New Horizons- you're absolutely right,My wife has now started to give me the details,and unless they are edited for my benefit, then they are nowhere near as bad as I had imagined.It is surprising just how mentally creative you can be when this happens.

 

Maybe,I'm just soft, although I agree with a lot of the posts, that to terminate the marriage is the only real solution,I'm starting to believe she is totally sorry and she says she won't do it again. (will she?won't she?)

If we split i don't think it will be the end of the pain, but if I stay, am I just asking for trouble? If we split,surely that would just teach her a lesson,a lesson which I won't benefit from.Then again, if I stay, does this give her the message that she can do it again and I will always take her back.

Either way, I know I will never forgive and forget.Do you think I can benefit from Domans experience?

[Rabican]

I would pack her stuff up and pile it up outside the front door and then change the locks. The drug dealer/ money thing just turned me. I couldnt forgive it in the first place... but the fact that she went and cheated on her man with societies garbage... bye bye girl, hit the road.

[Rabican]

I would leave, or make her leave actually...

 

But for the sake of argument lets say you want to work it out. I would tell her that she was going to have to put up with me spying on her like James F**&$ Bond after what she put me through. Im reading her cell phone messages, im checking her emails, im checking her phone bills, shes never NOT answering her cell phone, shes never hanging out with another man alone ever again... got the picture? If she balks at any of these then she doesnt understand what she did and she doesnt understand what it takes to EARN your trust again.

[AngelEyez]

I heard of giving people second chances, but third chances to redeem themselves, especially with cheating? I don't know Hogan. You deserve better than this. How long have you two been married? Any children?

[hogan10]

We have been married 8 years and have two girls aged 9 and 6.Part of me also believes she cannot change,it seems the wedding for her was just a party and a chance to wear fancy dress.

[Beec]

We have been married 8 years and have two girls aged 9 and 6.Part of me also believes she cannot change,it seems the wedding for her was just a party and a chance to wear fancy dress.

 

I cheated, back in the late 1980s, on a former girlfriend. She never knew, I never told her, and it's the last time I ever did when any woman thought of me as her boyfriend, fiance or husband. Why did I stop? Someone cheated on me in the follwoing year, and I decided I did not want to hurt anyone I cared about in that way, ever. I did not want to hurt them, feel that betrayal. Since then, I could have gotten away with cheating on occasion, but I have not, because the risks of getting caught and creating that pain was outweighed by a few moments of pleasure.

 

At some point in time, one needs to understand that your actions have consequences and that the pain you can cause should be considered. I don't think she has considered that in her thoughts. I think she sees you as a provider and not a lover. But still, she has bitten the hands that feeds her.

 

I would gather my evidence, record my conversations with her about cheating and giving money away to druggies even, and proceed with getting rid of her and getting custody of my children.

 

Unless she begins to understand the pain she has caused and that she has some responsibility, you have little with her, besides children and a past.