I don't know how I feel

[Nick_t]

Hey guys,

 

Last night I went round to my ex's but not to see her as she was out but to chat to her best friend, who I am also good friends with.

 

We were chatting for a bit and she asked how I felt. I told her how my ex was asking me online last Thursday if I got any action with this girl I was walking home with - and her mate said maybe she is trying to feel less guilty. Then she realised what she had said and i basically found out my ex has slept with someone. I was trying to find out when and who as I was curious but her mate wouldn't tell me as she didn't want to betray my ex so we left it as that.

 

Last night it didn't really effect me, I was a little upset but just thought get over it, plus I was going out and was in a good mood. I saw her out again last night but once again didn't really speak to her and just had an amazing time. I showed myself having an amazing time, and I think she went home early with her mate.

 

But now I don't know how I feel - I suppose I am upset but I don't know where to go from here?? Suppose now I know its definitly happened I feel better about it, but I saw her last night briefly before I knew and spoke to her, and I was reallt civil, funny, made her laugh, she complimented me on my hair lol andI was the one who said well see you later and cooly walked off.

 

Suppose I'm just looking for support from u guys - how I move on from here, how I play it, how to act etc... plus support to make me feel better about the whole situation of me now knowing she has slept with someone else and what must be going through her head at the mo.

 

Thanks guys, think I just need a boost this morning!!!

[Goldfish6888]

Hmmm. Its hard to still be friends. Can you handle it? I would need space for sure. If you were "to play" it - why would you - unless you want to get back with her. It looks like there is no closure here. You still want her in the back of your head. You are still going through that grey area where all the feelings are not dead and gone yet. I guess you have to ask yourself the question - as long as you stay in contact - you will not be getting over her? You probably won't move on. I made this mistake myself for about 3 years after the end of a relationship. I just couldn't move on.

 

Think about what you want for yourself. Could you cut the ties here (at least for a while?) Is it possible? And what do you want? Do you want to meet someone else or do you want to know news about your ex?

 

I guess I'm trying to be devils advocate and ask you some questions....to see how you feel and where you should go from here???

[Nick_t]

I definitly see what your saying, its just a difficult one, in previous posts I have mentioned that we went out for 2 years at Uni and now I work there in the sports office and she still studies here, plus its a small campus, we share all the same friends and are always out, so we basically see eachother all the time.

 

We have been split for over 2 months now and its been slow, but I feel it is slowly gettin there, especially with the situation i'm in. Last week I was saying to her how I did miss my best friend, and she did reply how she missed it too but I need to cool it as in she feels it can't really happen, although she wants it to. She just doesn't want to hurt me again, as she keeps saying to others and has said to me she cares for me so much.

 

So I have cooled it, when i've seen her i haven't really been fussed, however it is true that yeah I do still care and I suppose still love her. But i'm not scared to admit that, I will also admit i'm trying to find my own stage in the break up. I miss her big time, as she was my best friend, and I know she misses my company too, she justs wants to be her, her, her at the mo and have no ties, she wants to enjoy uni life single for a bit, for however long, and that does include one night stands etc..

 

So - where do I go from here. When we see each other we both smile laugh and have a good time, but I don't know how I feel with the whole news that she has now slept with someone.

 

I am scared I think that I am still a little in denial about it all as I haven't really reacted, and that it's going to hit me hard in the next couple of days. Thats why I'm looking for guidence from anyone as words of encouragement, support really are needed.

 

Thanks

[Goldfish6888]

Nick. This is tough as NC won't work for you here at all. But you can adopt a form of NC, where you are NOT THERE FOR HER ANYMORE.

 

You said "I guess as she just wants to be "her, her, her" at the momeand now I think it's time for you to be "me, me, me".

 

Last week I was saying to her how I did miss my best friend, and she did reply how she missed it too but I need to cool it as in she feels it can't really happen, although she wants it to. She just doesn't want to hurt me again, as she keeps saying to others and has said to me she cares for me so much.

 

I think she hasn't had the opportunity to miss what she had. The only way, that is that is possible is to stop being "her friend". Stop saying to her things you would have said to her - in confidence. Stop being there for her.

 

Its you, you, you now. Let her miss you. Let her come to regret her decision and maybe, just maybe you will have moved on. You can still be around someone but not be their friend, not confide in them, not confide in her friends. Be more quiet about what you do, don't tell her....keep the mystery. Be friendly and smile and say hello, but drop back. If you are in her company, keep your distance - chat to someone else. I work with someone and I still have feelings for him. I talk to him every day. But now, he knows nothing about what I do, where I go.....how I am.....When he made the decision no relationship. Thats what he is now getting NO RELATIONSHIP!

 

Try it out for a while. It will wean you off her slowly but surely.........

 

She just doesn't want to hurt me again, as she keeps saying to others and has said to me she cares for me so much.

 

Don't give her the chance to let her hurt you again!

[Biffy]

This is great advice ^^^^^

[Nick_t]

It is very very good advice!!

 

This is what I have started doing since last Wednesday - not showing that I am there for her. She was the person who did say cool it, so I have. I hardly speak to her, and I am showing her I am happy, even though it is hard sometimes, but I want people to see I'm happy and looks like i'm moving on. And if I do see her and speak then I act civil and up for a laugh, and keep it short. She can have nothing to complain about if I keep it civil and friendly - which I have been.

 

Its been a slow process so far and i'm getting use to the rollercoaster ride, but it will get there and this hurt will go.

 

I suppose there are some feelings of jealousy mainly rather than hurt, because she has got to that step where she can sleep with people, for me I can't really do at the moment, it doesn't feel right. I want to find somewhere again who i really like and thefeeling is mutual.

[Goldfish6888]

Nick

 

You WILL find someone who will appreciate you! Honestly. Its tough being the underdog. I know this.

 

Your feelings went deep for her and thats why sleeping around with someone else does not feel right. You will eventually find someone who you will want this connection with. In the meantime, its you, you you. Remember that.

 

Let us know how you are getting on and if you need to post here. Please do.....we'll try and respond and HELP!! (if we can)

 

Take care and remember just try and have fun.

 

G FISH

[Nick_t]

Hey,

 

Thank you so much for your support - it helps me stay in control and remember what is important.

 

I'm doing ok thanks - deep down yes it does hurt but who doesn't in any break up situation. I'm seeing her less and less and not really paying much attention to her (i just pretend I don't see her).

 

For example today just now in my lunch break I went and watched some Netball. She was there near the end of the game as she was playing after, she walked past a couple of times, i prtended I didn't see her (for my own sake not to annoy her). Then she walked pasy again, I smiled and said hi, and vice versa. She came back into the hall bout 10 mins later and asked if I was going to watch her team play, to which i replied yeah just a little bit though. From then on I kept my distance, she would walk over to my direction now and again and I didn't flinch. Just now she popped into my office with her netball friends, and laughed at a rubbish joke I said to another girl.

 

And the best thing is I feel so in control again over how I feel, what I think, and that i'm being civil, but not needy, not paying her that much attention. I'm doing it for myself, like you say, me, me, me and it feels good. Everything else will come, I just need to concentrate on number 1 for how ever long it takes me to no longer feel the pain.

 

G Fish Thank you!

[Nick_t]

Just a quick update, bit of a down day -

 

The reason - went out last night. Had a brilliant time, saw the ex, didn't really speak until half way through the evening. When I first saw her we both gave each other a nice smile. Later during the evening we once again chatted a bit and had a really good time, laughing and joking with eachother.

 

I acted very cool, like chat, laugh then walk off and join my friends. At the end of the evening we were both dancing with other people, for her another bloke and for me another girl. I didn't see where she went but I went off with this girl.

 

The reason I feel a little down was because we got on so well, and I don't know what to do now - she just started chatting to me now online.

 

It fell so good and we got on so well, but I know I can't get close and need to keep my distance still.

 

Any advice?

[Nick_t]

This is how our chat went:

 

 

Her: hello! think i owe you a couple of drinks!!

well one at least hehe

Nick:

if you open that i'll buy you a drink

Her:

haha so funny... but then i thought i was big time cos i saw liam try to get one out and i was like give it here ill do it and i couldnt BRILLIANT!!!

didnt even want to get drunk its all your fault

good night then?

Nick:

all my fault rubbish lol!! Neither did I, we both saw each other sober then 5 mins later we were by the bar straw pedoing!! Brilliant - good times ha ha

 

Yeah quality night thanks - loving the acaders at the mo, just smiling all night enjoying the music, having a little bogey. I really enjoyed just laughing at the bar after our race, having fun. What about you, good night?

Her:

yeah i had a brilliant night!!! so funny... the straws were * * * * tho made us look well slow lol

little boogie always goes down well too and it wasnt packed which always helps!!!

Her continued:

me and the girls and now poth cos we were havin a chat were thinking of a brighton mini tour in about 4 weeks??? whaddya think??

 

well anyways im off to make some brekkie and get the bus to heathrow! oh yes... have a good rest of week and wknd...x

 

 

 

What do I do from here?

I really wanna txt or call her later as she is going home to see her parents and she will be bored, so it will be a good time to chat, but i'm thinking just leave it till after work and see.

 

I'm confused because its not like brilliant i'm in here, but it was so nice just to get on again and I looked and felt so in control, and i'm surprised she started a convo online. I feel really in control of the situation, and she is contactin me laughing about last night and asking about a mini tour???

[Goldfish6888]

She is feeling you pull away. thats why..........

 

Dont' contact her. Make her miss you when she is away. She has made it clear what she wants and until she comes to you and says she has changed her mind. Continue to think that she no longer wants a relationship with you...she needs her space.

[Nick_t]

I sent a text - just a short one but wished I hadn't now. All it said was:

 

'Hey. Brighton Tour sounds quality! How's the new house? Say hi to your mum, dad and brother for me. Hope they are ok. x'

 

I know now I shouldn't of done it!!! It was only a text, at least I didn't call ,but still woops.

 

I will not contact again, and continue to play it cool, and not think of her. Concentrate on my weekend. It wasn't really a text about her. It was later last night so I had left it all day, and I just responded to the tour idea with our friends, asked her how her house was, and asked about her parents.

 

Oh well, feel a little disapointed now - with myself for being weak, I just thought it would be a nice gesture but nevermind. Learnt my lesson, but it's not a massive mistake is it?

[Goldfish6888]

Remember she is the one that said she didn't want a relationship - so thats what she should be getting NO RELATIONSHIP!!!!

 

Don't mean to sound harsh...but I'm just as bad as you when it comes to NC, but I guess we have to be strong for each other on ENA!

[Nick_t]

You are totally right, and I didn't think that was harsh. I know what you mean and what you are saying, and I am and will be forever grateful to you and everyone else who has helped me and kept me strong here on ENA.

 

I sent the text as I thought it was polite as she asked a question earlier yesterday online - but I need to learn not to wear my heart on my sleeve all the tme. I haven't made a huge error, it just shows who I am. I asked after her parents as they were good to me when we were going out, and asked about her parents new house. Apart from that nothing.

 

I will carry on with no relationship like I have been over the last week, last night was a small error but it isn't the end of the world.

 

I will continue to pull away and let this huge wave slowly pass over me. It is hard and will be for a while, but all I can say is I was alot worse this time last month, so I look forward to how I feel in another months time. It's slow but this has all obviously happened for a reason.

 

I cannot start to explain how people's words of wisdom, experience, support and advice has helped, and will continue to help, because I am relatively new to this break up/heartache lark, and need all the advise I can get even though its been just over 2 months now.

 

So thank you..... but please don't hesitate to continue helping me out like I hope to help others out.

[Nick_t]

Hey,

 

So since last week I contacted her once through that text I mentioned, then nothing since.

 

I treated the last 5 days like NC, didn't contact her or make the effort and it felt ok, good, like I'm no longer going to worry what she is up to, show her i'm moving in the right direction.

 

But...

 

She came into the office today very briefly, for no apparent reason. I was busy so wasn't really paying her much attention, quickly asked her how home was. She said it was good, got my text, sorry she didn't reply but she didn't really have her phone on her much over the weekend.

 

My reaction... not even looking at her, I carried on with some work and said 'no worries' and started talking to someone else. She asked me what time I was having lunch, I answered and that was it.. she was trying to catch my attention by doing a few things but in the end she said she was going to someone else in the office and because I was busy I didn't even say goodbye.

 

But.... after feeling so good again, by seeing her briefly I really want to speak to her, meet up, I have to admit to myself I still have feelings and I'm angry about it.

 

I know what i've done is right, I am starting to give her more space, not being there, concentrating on me, and showing her this. Showing her i'm not bothered, even how hard it is. I am going to continue as well - be mysterious and look like I've changed and moving in the right direction, go from one extreme to another and be me.

 

But deep down in my heart, I sigh because I love the girl and it hurts now and again because I want what we had back, and it's not going to happen. I hate the fact that now and again I have to act happy so I don't look down in front of my mates or her.

 

Happens all the time when I see her after a while of not, but going to have to get on with it -

 

Is this natural? I don't know why she even came in?

[Goldfish6888]

Hi Nick

 

If you look over posts on this website about No contact and why people do it and why it is so widely advocated on this site you will read that it is purely for the benefit of you - no contact is about allowing you to find out who you are again. Allowing you time to mend and hopefully move on and find someone else.

 

Its not a case of I am starting "giving her more space",

you are giving YOU more space...

 

Its not a case of showing her this,

its a case of trying to move on with your life. Do you know what I mean?

 

I know you probably love this girl, but the sad fact is at the moment, it is not reciprocated. And I think you are recognising this. Which is why it is normal for you to feel sad. In terms of her coming into the office - Its natural for her to wonder is she doing the right thing?....that she may be discovering the grass is not greener on the other side and hence her visit to the office. She is trying to keep the contact with you, trying to keep the ties. Which is easy for her as she is the one holding the cards. But by you keeping the ties, you will never get over her.

 

I made this mistake about 5 years ago, you are not "acting mysterious" - you are actually living a separate life from her now! Acting happy is good as sometimes we can wallow in our own misery! Anyway, I know when I go into the office miserable I don't make for a very nice colleague! You are doing the right thing by concentrating on you - but stop wondering how its affecting her.

 

This is not about getting her back this is about getting yOU BACK!

 

I had a thing going with someone in my office and he didn't want a relationship...and I found by cutting the contact to professional and keeping it light and not personal and by not seeing him as much as possible - I feel MUCH better. I was able to get over it. He is the one now asking me for coffee, but I'm TOO BUSY! HAVE STUFF on etc., And I don't even think I would consider him relationship material now. I deserve better!

 

Go nick, you know you deserve a full on relationship with a girl that can't wait to see you everyday and wants you 100%! Not crumbs on the floor when they might be sprinkled for you to pick up!

 

Keep the faith!

[Goldfish6888]

Hi Nick

 

How is it going for you? You've not posted for a while.