NoOtherPostLikeTHIS

[CrazyPairInLove]

More will come about my situation.

 

I recently discovered that my fiance was molested by his own mother. Along with being abused by his step father she didn't exactly provide a wholesome, morally correct family life for him. She is 62 years old (he is 23) has lots of health problems and is dependent upon me for cleaning her house (she actually pays really well and our financial situation is HORRIBLE). When he was 12, she was busted for selling heroin. His real father died when he was 3 and we're not even sure what happened there, all we know is that his own dad was supposedly abused by his grandmother. B (my fiance's mom) was divorced at the time and encountering ongoing custody battles with his real dad and just happened to meet his step dad who was retired from the military as a delta CW5. (Who was a real ahole to him when he was younger, trying to wash his mouth out with bleach for saying "duh" at 5 years old).

 

I often wonder if she made some of these stories about his real dad up, to cover for her own abuse. Apparently, she has a brain tumor and dosn't remember most of the abuse that definitly occurred between him and his step father and although I know she loves her son, she often makes him the scapegoat and feel like crap about himself). However, his stepdad is trying to make up for all that and my man seems to be getting along with him great.

 

Also, he has yet to confront her about it. She'll deny everything anyways, being it only happened one time and he pushed everything out of his mind completely. Did I mention he is an only child?

 

So, needless to say, with both of us being ADHD suffering from mental instability and {mod edit} up childhoods we argue constantly and it even gets real bad, even violent, with both of us lashing out at each other...(which I completely regret because I was the one who started the physicality) at times. I am beginning to think he is Borderline Personality Disorder or PTSD or BiPolar as a result of all this madness in his life.

 

So, in my experience so far and two days without sleep I still have yet to encounter any helpful resources. He is commited to getting help, but we are financially unable to pay for extensive care and can't get away from his family yet. My family has NO IDEA either (and I'll never tell them). I love him alot and despite ALL of this he is still the smartest and greatest guy I've ever been with. Birds of a feather, I guess...

 

In closing, does anyone know of any resources to help men who suffer from abuse? What about charity organizations that could offer counsiling? What about specialty counsilors who deal with abused men in particular in North Carolina? Has anyone ever encountered a situation of maternal abuse? What can I do to help? Please be understanding and don't judge. I have yet to meet anyone who has experierenced similiar circumstances, and not try to kill themselves as a result! I want my man to be able to focus on our future and try to look back as little as possible...

[FortunateOne]

I feel you fiance's pain. I too went through a lot of childhood abuse which one day I may chare on ENA, but for now a great resource to me over coming my childhood issues was a great book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger Bad Chilhood, Good Life". This has been the best book I've read so far that put it in its most applicable real perspective. It helped me heal and acknowledge what happened to me as a child was not my fault and to understand why I was put in such a bad environment. Please take a look at this book and read it together with your fiance since it will heal the past and bring your relationship closer.

 

link removed

[assumeLove]

Another inexpensive source of help: The Compassion Power program, spelled out in the book You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One, by Steven Stosny, and in the HEALS CD sold on the link removed web site. Not directly about the sort of abuse he faced, but provides a roadmap for moving from a bad past to a better future.

[Fallout]

First of all I'd like to say I'm really sorry about what happened to you and your fiance...

 

I can't recommend any resources but my input would be that he needs to cut all contact with his mother...if the step father is actually trying to make up for what he did he could help you two financially.

 

I just think therapy and such may be in vain if he sees his mother all the time and is reminded constantly of what happened...