Confused - need advice

[debsea]

Hi, I'm new to this and this is my first post so I'm sorry for how long it is. I was married for 18 years and have two children, then after a year of him being distant from me he told me he wanted to split, I'd thought he was unhappy with his work. Up until then it had been fine, we'd had our ups and downs but who wouldn't in 18 years. I cried, I took us to relate, but it was no use, he had met someone else but wasn't admitting to it. I moved out and set up home with my kids, they see him often and we have an amicable relationship.

 

Now here's the problem, I have a boyfriend of two years who is completely different to my ex, he's caring and considerate but he's not emotional or tactile. He's also quite happy with being on his own or with me but isn't interested in socialising with my friends or being part of my family, I only really see him the weekends I don't have the kids or maybe in the evening of the weekends when I do, but we do talk every day. Because of his shift work I don't see him during the week and nearly all the time I feel lonely.

 

My problem is that I keep thinking back to the good times with my ex when I was much more content with my life. I don't know whether I still want to be with my ex, whether I just haven't managed to get closure on the end of our relationship, or whether my new boyfriend just isn't really right for me. It keeps making feel that I should split up with him and then I don't know whether I really want to. I am so confused that its making me very stressed and unhappy and I don't like being like this. I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt him, he's been hurt before.

 

I'm sorry this is quite rambling but its a bit like my head, any advice would be great as I think my friends are fed up with me saying the same thing over and over again. That I'm lonely and unhappy and feel I should split up but don't.

[zrehman]

-- I think you are probably just have post-traumatic relationship issues. I mean you were with your ex for 18 YEARS. Maybe this guy your seeing is a rebound and I know rebounds never work. I am sure you just miss your ex because you were with him for so long, but I am sure there are other great guys out there that can be perfectly compatible with you and probably far better than your dirtbag ex

 

Best of luck cutie!

[KronicMan]

you and your kids should come first now that your ex is your ex. if your telling the truth to your current boyfriend, then IMO, your not hurting him. Truth Hurts, but it isnt hurt.

[debsea]

I have been honest with him about not being sure about us, but I don't think he realises that I'm still hurting from my ex, I think he would think that that means I still care for him. And I'm not even sure if that is the problem, maybe I'm just not happy with things now and am remembering back to when I was. I really want to be living with someone again but feel torn because I don't feel he's the person, but then I think maybe I'm just scared of getting hurt again. Its all so exhausting going round and round in my head.

 

Thanks for your replies its good to get someone elses opinion.

[Juliana]

What you have with new guy is what you have. The relationship with the ex is something else. The problem is, for all that new guy is "caring and considerate," he's still giving you a serious take it or leave it vibe. And in my opinion, he probably always will. It's nice that he's not a creep, but I don't think half a relationship is going to work for you.

[debsea]

I'm usually very good at reading people and because of the hurt my ex did to me I'm very wary of someone being half hearted about me. My bf doesn't give me that vibe, we talk everyday, he pre-empts if I need something practical and he gets upset if he thinks I'm becoming distant. I don't mean that in a controlling way. But it feels like I have a relationship which you would have if you lived with someone, but not the benefits of them actually being there physically daily for you. And I'm finding this is making me be really needy of adult company, sometimes it feels worse than when I am single. When I'm with him I feel ok. BUT I don't feel I can ask him to move in or anything because we are so different I don't know that it would work, and I don't trust my feelings. I'd hate to move in that direction only to turn round and hurt him. I feel completely torn.

[Juliana]

I don't know hon, I just don't think those are good signs. I'm really, really glad this guy isn't a pig to you, but that dissatisfied feeling may never go away. I don't know how you'd cope with that. I don't want you to be set up for a lifetime of unhappiness -- how awful, after a divorce. You want to wait for awhile and see if it gets better? You could set a time limit on it, maybe six months?

[debsea]

I've sort of been thinking that thats what I'll have to do. My friends are surprised I'm still with him because I've had unhappy thoughts about the relationship from the start. But I do worry that I expect too much, and thats whats make me hesitate from doing the deed. I worry that I'm looking for that connection that I had with my ex, but I met him when I was 17 and grew up with him. My new bf obviously has his own ways and life and I worry that expect too much attention. Only saw him for a couple of hours this weekend, he only lives a mile away and he was mostly at home, it seems odd to me that he wouldn't want to spend more time with me. But I had the kids with me and although hes ok with them its fairly obviously he doesn't want to be involved in family life.

 

And I wish I'd stop moaning, I know from on here people are having much harder times (and I've had a much worse time), I'd just like to be chilled and happy again..........maybe I am still getting over my ex.