Just need some feedback please

[annie23]

I've been with my bf for almost 5 months. We talked about moving in together in January. It was his idea, he asked and I did not even expect him to ask me to move in with him. I gave it much thaught and I was ready to take the next step, now this is wahat happened. His friend, which is a girl, is moving back from Florida, and he told her that she could stay with him if she needs a home, told his other best friend, who is a guy that he could stay at his place too. Here I though that it was about us but with that it made it seem that he's just looking for roommates? Anyways he also thinks I'm jelaous, and after I told him that I e-mailed his friend he got into an argument with, I tried to make things better between them, he tells me that he can't believe that I did that and now everythings is messed up for them, and he needs time to breath from me, and things like that. What do you think of this? Thank you for your honesty.

[Rabican]

I think putting 2 people of the opposite sex alone, living together, in an apartment is a good idea if those two people are in a commited relationship together, or they are both single.

 

However, when one of the people is your boyfriend, and the other is another woman, even if they are just friends.... thats a big no no. Nothing good will come of this. Unless she is a big manly lesbian, this is only going on place, and its not a place you want to be. He should have enough respect for you, not to have female friends living with him. Also he shouldnt invite you to live there, and not ask for your feedback when inviting half the town with you.

 

The only person who screwed anything up is him. Hes either not commited, or not very bright when it comes to whats acceptable and whats not when it comes to a relationship. Tell him to stop acting like hes single if you are together.

[caro33]

You've got two issues here.

 

1) Yes it looks like he is pretty mellow when it comes to co-habiting with people. This might reflect generosity and a good spirit, or might indicate a little flakiness. Not clear. Does he have a history of running open houses? Do you think he would be taken advantage of? If 'no' to both of those, perhaps this is not such a big deal. Does he need the extra rent money?

 

Also depends how long term the visits are expected to be. Roomies or just a few days/weeks? Also depends if he was really serious. Many people make offers they don't expect to be taken up, and are really just saying to their friend 'I am here mate'.

 

I don't agree with Rabican that co-habitation between the sexes will always be bad news in the circumstances he described, my own and my friends' experiences with opposite sex housemates while someone has been in a relationship has been many and varied, but never bad for infidelity reasons, or even sexual chemistry. I always became great friends with my male housemates' girlfriends, and my ex was also very close to my other male housemates. However, no need to risk it.

 

I think that you might want to talk about this, if only from the perspective of your possibly different approaches to having guests over. If you are to move in with him in 3 months, you might want to make sure you're not moving in to a house full of other people you hadn't reckoned on. This is just basic 'do out values align' stuff that starts to happen a few months into relationships.

 

2) On the matter of you emailing his friend, yes I would not be happy either if I was him. It smacks of taking liberties with your relationship, and he may have felt a bit emasculated on top of that. Depends what you said. But do not, ever, intervene in your partner's issues with other people. You can offer him advice, spend time with him going through his options, but if he ignores you that's your sign that he doesn't agree. And if you believe he truly needs you to go into battle for him unbeknownst to him, or against his wishes, then you have a mother/son relationship here, not a partnership between equals.

 

This is another one of those things that happens in a relationship within the first few months - another test of 'is this who I want to be with'. You should have been watching the way he handled his own problem, offered your advice if it was welcomed, then seen what happened. This is your way of understanding what he's like, if your values align and if you want to be with him in the long term. He will have been doing the same thing, and if I was you I would be very sorry, and show him you are not like that. If you haven't already, I would apologise, say you had your heart in the right place but you made a bad decision and won't intervene in his issues any more unless he wants your help.

[Clementyne]

I think asking someone to move in with you is kind gesture that will bring two people close to each other. Finding out that he has asked other people to move in with him--or let's say share the rent--would totally spoil that gesture for me, especially if he hasn't told me about it and you all happened to move in around the same time. I wouldn't be comfortable sharing a house with my S/O with two other people, a guy and a girl. I think couples need their own privacy. Why did he ask these people to move in? Is it a big house? And are they paying rent?

 

Good Luck