Playing hard to get??

[Captain34]

we've all heard of playing hard to get. perhaps this strategy to attract works in some cases, but I don't like anyone who plays games for the hell of it. im speaking more about human nature and the desire to want what you cant have.

 

i went a long time completely removing my ex from my daily routine, and thus removing myself noticebly from her life. this went on for about 2 months - i chose this for myself because i needed to refocus on taking care of my business. towards the end of this period her friends started digging me for information, then my ex started going to the places I frequent. We do have many mutual friends, but after 2 months of not seeing her i started running into her almost every Friday and Saturday night. I tried to be cool while being cautious, so I didn't focus my nights on her or give her my full attention until she approached me. I wasn't rude at all, just unattentive. However, I was no longer avoiding the places she was, because she was now going to places I frequented.

 

She seemed to push for me to see her after he NC, but then after we kept running into each other it seemed like her efforts diminished. Like I said I wasn't pursuing her, but then again I wasn't avoiding her. I am sure she could sense I still have lingering interest, I could sense it on her too. Believe me, I wanted to approach her and talk her up like I did when we were first getting together - the natural urge was just there...but I was so cautious that now I seem like I may have been WAY too passive. Does this mean I have to approach her everytime I see her?

 

I called her yesterday to apologize about a friend of mine who was getting involved - he tried to arrange it so we'd see each other at the bar. Plus, he asked her directly what the deal was with her and I, doing all of this without my consent. I guess I don't want to call to apologize for his actions, I just want to make clear I wasn't involved with them. I haven't heard back from her yet.

 

I'm thinking that maybe I gave her too much of a response without enough effort on her part. I don't want to play hard to get, but I also don't want to give her any more attention or thought than she deserves. I don't want her to think she can have me back on a drop of a dime because it isn't true. I would be very cautious about reconciling, but the truth is I still love her and she can tell. Its hard to balance your natural emotions for someone and your mental buffers. I can see she still loves me. We are both very stubborn and I get frustrated tat she will only put herself out there when she is afraid of losing me.

 

Perhaps the problem is that I have made her much, much too comfortable that I would be there no matter what. Anybody out there feel me on this??

[ontheverge]

I don't like anyone who plays games for the hell of it. im speaking more about human nature and the desire to want what you cant have.

 

That is understandable. It is good you knwo what you want

 

i went a long time completely removing my ex from my daily routine, and thus removing myself noticebly from her life. this went on for about 2 months - i chose this for myself because i needed to refocus on taking care of my business.

 

Was the break up a long and hard one to detach yourself from?

 

We do have many mutual friends, but after 2 months of not seeing her i started running into her almost every Friday and Saturday night.

 

sounds fishy

 

 

but I was so cautious that now I seem like I may have been WAY too passive. Does this mean I have to approach her everytime I see her?

 

Cautious is not always bad esp. if you dont want her to think she can snatch you up again. No, you dont have to approach her. You can acknowledge her with a wave or a smile, but that is all that you have to do really, that is just being nice.

 

I called her yesterday to apologize about a friend of mine who was getting involved - he tried to arrange it so we'd see each other at the bar. Plus, he asked her directly what the deal was with her and I, doing all of this without my consent. I guess I don't want to call to apologize for his actions, I just want to make clear I wasn't involved with them. I haven't heard back from her yet.

 

It was nice of you to call. If I were in her shoes and it was one of my ex's I would be like "oh ok" but I doubt I would give a call back

 

I don't want her to think she can have me back on a drop of a dime because it isn't true. I would be very cautious about reconciling, but the truth is I still love her and she can tell. Its hard to balance your natural emotions for someone and your mental buffers.

 

Quite right, you dont want her thinking that, and yes it is hard to balance, but it gets easier. Esp when you have time apart from one another and you arent running into her every week.

 

 

I can see she still loves me. We are both very stubborn and I get frustrated tat she will only put herself out there when she is afraid of losing me.

Perhaps the problem is that I have made her much, much too comfortable that I would be there no matter what. Anybody out there feel me on this??

 

I totally feel you on this and have been in a simiallar situation. The thing is you need to decide, do you want her back? Have you been better off without her? I know the first few weeks are always rough, and seeing her now makes it rough all over again, but you need to really ask yourself and maybe some close family you trust, have you been better with her gone? It could be that she is just now realizing you mean business about the breakup and she is scared and wants you back. I have been through that too. I cant say what her motives are, but you have gone 2 mos without her, so I would really evaluate where you are and what you want before you decide what she might be thinking.

 

Take care!!

 

OTV

[Captain34]

I totally feel you on this and have been in a simiallar situation. The thing is you need to decide, do you want her back? Have you been better off without her? I know the first few weeks are always rough, and seeing her now makes it rough all over again, but you need to really ask yourself and maybe some close family you trust, have you been better with her gone? It could be that she is just now realizing you mean business about the breakup and she is scared and wants you back. I have been through that too. I cant say what her motives are, but you have gone 2 mos without her, so I would really evaluate where you are and what you want before you decide what she might be thinking.

 

 

If you asked me at the end of the summer if I wanted her back I would have immediately said yes...but that was because I was answring based on the fact that I loved her and only that. Now I have gained the perspective and have just basically cleared my head to the point where I can look at the situation honestly.

 

Do I want to be back with her? Yes, I do, but there are some conditions. One, I don't think it would work out if it was rushed. Second, I need to see an honest and sincere effort on her part to make it work. I don't want to chase after her again. But i also don't want to appear closed or act so in a way that hinders her efforts or turns her off altogether.

 

Have I been better without her? Well, I must say that many things are better with me, but that isn't because she hindered me in any way. I guess its just that the breakup gave me extra motivation to take care of my business to keep from hurting about the situation. There were ups and downs in our relationship, but I am very sure that she was a positive influenece in my life. I will not "wait around," but I am willing to be patient and see how things play out rather than just contacting her and telling her not to contact me. Honestly, I have moved forward to the point that doing so is just plain spiteful and cruel. I just don't know how to handle the current situation!! I need advice on this...

 

I don't know what is going on with her. During NC I was fine because I convinced myself she was done so it was best for me to move on. Now I don't know what she wants, and I don't think she knows either. She told that friend of mine that she is trying to move on...so whats up with her actions these past few weeks??

[ontheverge]

so basically what you want to know is, should you call her and see what's going on?

[Shadows Light]

All of a sudden she's showing up to places you are.

 

Are these the same places the both of you used to hang out together? Because if it is... it could be that you both just "like" to go there.

 

Or... it could be because you both have friends in common. THAT is a tough one. In a long term relationship friends don't know how to act... they don't want to take sides and some do... others pull away totally until the dust clears.

 

I specifically AVOID all the places where my "X" could be hanging out. But my 'break' was a full blown bloody kicking and screaming divorce. Tonz of blood letting. lol. I DO NOT.. want to have to deal with him when he's full of piss and vinager and tanked.

 

YOU... I find it curious that she's showing up. I'd say she's showing interest. And at some point.. one of you will have to build a bridge and cross it if you want to try this thing again.

[Captain34]

I did call her yesterday and left a message, but she has yet to get back to me. I doubt she will now...

 

I was going to call and let her know my friend getting in the middle of things had nothing to do with me, and to tell he didn't need to ask what the deal was because things are cool between us - nothing more needs to be said. But honestly, I just wanted to do this to play it cool, not scare her off, and keep the door open.

 

She told my friend that she was trying to move on. He told me she was pretty clear about that. Now I want to call her out on that bs. She still loves me, no doubt in mind mind. I can see it in her eyes. Besides, if she is trying to move on whats up with all her actions lately. Whats with her following me to a bar, trying to approach me all night, and when I finally let her acting flirtatous....all while wearing that damn dress.

 

I feel like saying that she can try and keep her cool, but I know her better than most anyone. I know she's still in love with me. I want to tell her to stop these games, I can see right through them. I want to tell her that I love her and care about her so much, but that time away has made it clear to me that dealing with her indecisiveness is something I can't afford to do. I want to tell her that she made the decision to not have me in her life, so she better deal with it. When she misses me or needs someone there, too bad.

 

But then again, I don't want to close the door completely....

 

I have no idea what to do.