son not sleeping

[scared44]

About a year ago, my son was diagnosed with ADHD. They put him on stimulants that just made the poor guy psychotic. During that "trial" medication period, he was scared by some of our friends thinking they were being funny-they jumped out with masks on while my son and his cousin were walking on a path. (My son is 8 and my newphew is 7). Anyway, he was scared to even be in a room by himself after that. He would wet his pants rather than go in there by himself. He was not sleeping at all unless I slept with him. We figured out that the stimulants were having some effect on his reaction to being scared and we put him on another med that has helped him tremendously-like night and day. The only problem I have with him now is that he will not go to sleep without me sitting in his room. Which I don't have a huge problem with, but if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he comes and gets me to sit with him to go back to sleep. Last night he was up at 1:00, 2:20, and 3:40....very frustrating.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can help him? We are both getting frustrated-neither my son or myself get much sleep this way. I want him to be well rested to take on school....

 

Thanks for any suggestions you can give me...

[ImThatGirl]

I have two children that I allowed to sleep with me for a very long time. They are now 3 and 6 and for the past month or so, we've been working on getting them to sleep in their own bed.

 

I know you mentioned that your son has ADHD and that may make things a bit more difficult. But wow has it been difficult to get my kids to go to bed. I dream of the days that I can just tell them it's time for bed, tuck them in, and come back to find them fast asleep.

 

I'm concerned about your son awaking so often. Is that normal for him? Have you thought about playing music in his bedroom? Do you leave a nightlight on for him?

 

My kids are now sleeping in their own bed but sometimes awake and come to bed with me. Eventually, I plan to take them back to their own beds and sit until they fall asleep but quite honestly, I'm too tired to do that now! Last night, I thought about recording a lullaby and having it on repeat play throughtout the night. Thinking that maybe if they awake and hear my voice, they will fall fast asleep thinking I am near rather than waking up completely.

 

I know with my children it's a matter of them learning what is expected. This means great consistancy from me and sad faces until they learn what is expected. I have been making them stay in their bed. When it's bedtime, I tuck them in. Each time they get up, I take their hand and walk them back to bed then leave the room again.

 

I know it may be heartbreaking to your son but is it a possibility that you could do that? Have you talked to the doctor to gain suggestions?

[scared44]

Oh, man, I long for the days I can say, "bed time" and not have to worry about it again until it's time to go to school. Well, he too slept with me until he was 4, and yes, it is normal for him to wake up once a night, but I just don't know how to wean him. I'm afraid if I just take him back to his room and walk out, he'll cry loud enough to wake the others in the house. I did talk to the dr and he suggested I give him melatonin-which I do. I had to regulate it because if you give him too much they will wake up later. He's probably immune to it. I don't know...sometimes I lay with him because, like you, I get too tired to sit up and it's just easier to sleep with him so I'm not completely exhausted.

[ImThatGirl]

I've thought about trying many things too.

 

Like tucking my kids in and making it clear that they are not to leave the bedroom once I walk out.

 

Doing that or walking them back to their rooms in the middle of the night is just not feasible. I know they will think it's the end of the world and I know they will continuously cry without going back to sleep. For me personally, I feel like it's emotional child abuse. However, I'm sure doctors would disagree.

 

Want to be support buddies? LOL I don't know anyone else that understands this very well. Most of my friends are just like "put them to bed and if they get up, discipline." Can't do it.

 

Another thing I failed to mention is that my kids can lay down at 8:00 and not fall asleep for an hour and a half. They just seem to need less sleep! Even less than me!

[scared44]

Sure! Anything I find that helps and vice versa! My boyfriends says the same thing-just put him in his bed and if he gets out, then discipline him. I can't do that either. I don't think my son is trying to manipulate, but maybe-when I ask him why he gets up, he just says he's scared. I can't yell at him for that. I want to, I really, really want to scream, but...that's not going to solve any sleeping issues.

[scared44]

Any by the way, I meant boyfriend NOT boyfriends-that in itself would explain alot...

[ImThatGirl]

haha I didn't even realize the s on the first boyfriend.

 

My boyfriend has been very understanding. He's also been strength for me. For 3 years it was only my kids and I. I felt safer having them in my room. Heck, I would love to have them in my room still. Just set up bunkers or something. But that's not realistic. lol

 

I think it's easy for people on the outside to say that it's us being a pushover and manipulation and being spoiled on our kids side. But even if that's the case, it's very difficult to make a drastic change overnight. Actually not just difficult but impossible and unhealthy.

 

My kids say they are scared too. At bedtime. They ask if I'll stay in there all night. The more they worry, the longer they talk, the longer they stay awake.

 

I know that my kids need more sleep. And what they need to learn. I also know that I have to be consistant or we'll never get to our goal. But it is really, really hard for me. I am more determined now than I have been. I'm not necessarily mean but very firm with my children about bedtime now. Well not everyday but last night I did have them asleep in their beds at 9:15.

 

I guess what I'm trying to explain is that I understand that it seems like it's traumatizing. I understand that it is heartwrenching for them. I understand how painful it is for us. I feel like I'm abandoning my children. There are so many advantages though for them to get a good nights rest in their own bed and own space.

[BornToResist]

What kind of medication is he on?

 

A lot of medications for ADHD do list paranoia as a side effect. I'm not sure if that would have anything to do with your situation, but I used to take Adderall and it made me paranoid and nervous.

 

And considering they are "uppers" generally, that would also make it harder to go to sleep.

[doyathink]

Every childs behavior either comes from love or fear.If your interested, pm me and I will send you a list of very well known doctors who can give you the answers you are looking for. His meds may need changed again, I've had kids who have went through several before we found one that worked. Did these behaviors start when you starting dating your bf? Have there been any life changing events happen recently?

 

I work with children in the system daily who have these problems and it can be frustrating but finding the right meds can make all the difference.

[scared44]

He is taking Wellbutrin. He was taking Concerta, and Adderall-both of which made the child just crazy. The time he started taking those though were when he got scared. I'm not the bravest person in the world so I'm sure he picks up on all my non-verbals, but...my bedroom is literally ten steps away, and I try so hard to reassure him.

[ImThatGirl]

Hey Scared~~ How'd your night go?

 

My kids and I slept in my bed last night. I was tired. Fell asleep at 930 with them rather than taking them to their own bed. Way to be consistant, eh?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hi Scared -

 

I too am a member of the "kids sleep with me" club! We've weened the girls off but my 3 year old son still either NEEDS to get to sleep by staying in our bed or comes in, in the middle of the night.

 

I DON"T at all believe that discipline works for this. It's something the child feels he needs to be comfortable. And in lots of other cultures, there is only one bedroom for the entire family.

 

My 7 year old asked me one time, "mommy - how come you get to sleep with daddy but we have to sleep alone?" A great question that I don't have an answer for.

 

With all the medication questions though, in your case, I would just ask your Dr. I mean, is sleeplessness a side effect? Or is it just the paranoia?

 

I guess my advice is work through it. He's not going to be doing it forever.

[scared44]

He was up twice last night-then up at 5 am. I slept with him for about an hour, but man, that twin bed just isn't cutting it.

 

He ended up waking the boyfriend up so...we are going to try and have a talk with him tonight-although my boyfriend just isn't getting it because his child is the same age and will just go to bed when you tell her and he doesn't hear a peep all night long. He thinks I'm just babying him. I don't want to make my son's matters any worse, and I fear I just might...

[scared44]

Yes, my son has asked me why I get to sleep with someone and he doesn't-a really good question-just not one I can answer that would make sense to him. I will have to check on the side effects of the Wellbutrin. I made sure when I talked to the dr though that we needed something that would not interfere with his sleep time. She said just give his last does to him around 5 or so. Then she suggested Melatonin-which does work to put him to sleep, but doesn't keep him asleep.

[ImThatGirl]

I know this is easy to say but rarely happens.

 

Your boyfriend needs to realize your son and his daughter are different children.

 

I don't think I could sit down with my children and my bf and tell them - this is it. You're sleeping in your bed. That's the rules. That's what you'll do.

 

I mean I do tell my children that in little ways at bed time but to actually sit and have a serious talk. I'm very protective. Maybe overprotective. But I'm worried that this will only make him worry more.

 

I understand. I can't say I'd do anything differently in the same situation if I were in it. I feel for you!

[AwdreeHpburn]

well said I'm That Girl - I feel exactly the same.

 

I guess I would try to have a conversation with the boyfriend first.

 

Maybe this is just a real critcal time for your son. I say try to get your bf to understand that your son may just really need you right now. Because for sure, its only temporary.

 

Obviously.

 

I mean, he's not going to still be coming in your bed when he's 15, yeh?

 

 

Try routines.

 

Like, every night before bed you do a certain thing. Read a story. Sing a certain song. Something that says to him, "OK - THIS is bed time."

 

Reward him with SUPER praise if he goes a whole night alone. Promise favourite treats or a trip to Chucky E Cheese's for whole nights spent in HIS room. There IS something to be said for bribery...

 

But over all, it sounds to me like he'll be OK because you are taking care of him and are conscious of how he is feeling....even though its causing friction with your boyfriend. That's says volumes to me....

[scared44]

Well that's just it. My bf understands that they are different, but I don't think he really gets that they function differently. He has gotten better over the years. The only reason that I would even consider my bf talking to my son too is that he seems to listen to his words more than mine. My son knows how to work me, and sometimes my bf just has to speak(not yell) once and my son will listen.

[AwdreeHpburn]

How long have you been seeing your boyfriend?

 

Does he live with you and your son?

 

How is their relationship outside of the bedtime thing?

[scared44]

Well hopefully he won't still be waking me up when he's 15...geesh, can you imagine. hehehe

 

We do have a routine everynight-the only problem with that routine is that he likes to have me in the room to fall asleep. Then when he wakes up in the night, he can't go back to sleep because I'm not sitting there. I think that maybe the main issue here...not sure.

 

Yes, we did the positive praise thing too-and that is exactly what we did-we went to Chucky Cheese...so I know he can do it, it's just what bribe works maybe???? I don't know...at a loss...

[scared44]

My son and I have been living with him for three years. We had been dating for a year before that. My son's father works away all week so he only gets to see him on the weekend. All in all, all three of us get along well. His daughter only comes over a few nights a week due to school. We never fight in front of the kids-rarely fight at all. I think overall it's good.

[ImThatGirl]

May I ask how long your boyfriend has lived with you?

 

I can see what you're saying. My son would probably listen to any male more than me.

 

Have you tried rewards? We've been using a reward / star system at my place.

 

Please know that I don't disagree with you. You're merily at a different point than I. A point that I hope to never get at . . Because I don't know how I'd handle it.

[ImThatGirl]

Guess I should have refreshed the page first! Sorry let me catch up!

[AwdreeHpburn]

sounds like it really IS a good situation - that's helpful.

 

Maybe tell him like, 5 days in advance, that a change up in the routine is coming. Then remind him daily that ..."In two days we're going to be changing our sleep routine!"

 

"In one day we're going to do our different sleeping plan"

 

In the morning of, "remember, tonight we're doing that sleeping arrangement thing."

 

That way, he'll have plenty of time to anticipate, have the anxiety about it and work through it while not having to do it right away.

 

We had to use this approach with my middle child when she was going to pre-school. When the day came, she WAS ready. The lingering skeptisism was there, but I had the previous days to fall back on. "Remember, I told you this was going to happen. You've known it was coming."

 

Have him make some suggestions of his own so he feels a part of the decision about how he sleeps alone.

 

Maybe something new, a blanket or night light will help drive the new routine home.

 

 

I have a feeling it will begin to get better but it will probably just take time and patience.

[scared44]

That's probably what I need to do-is come up with a plan and talk to him about it in advance. I can do that plan for sleeping no problem, it's what we do when he wakes up plan that we are going to have to work on. (that's the part the bf is having a hard time with)

[doyathink]

He is taking Wellbutrin. He was taking Concerta, and Adderall-both of which made the child just crazy. The time he started taking those though were when he got scared. I'm not the bravest person in the world so I'm sure he picks up on all my non-verbals, but...my bedroom is literally ten steps away, and I try so hard to reassure him.

 

This is a classic symptom of being prescribed the wrong drug. He may not even have ADHD, it may be something else but most of our Dr's today label 95% of our children with this and it's a misdiagnosis!

 

Everything you are saying is a symptom of an underlying cause. Need to find what is causing this so the behavior can be fixed. Think hard, when did his behaviors start? What happened at that period of time? Have you asked him what his fears are, what he wants out of you to made him feel safe? Is he in therapy? if so, do you attend? Does the therapist tell you what they talked about? He isn't playing you, his fears are real to him and just telling him to stop will not fix this. Have you told him that you know he has fears and that you dont know what they are but you want to understand and no matter what you will sit and listen to him and help him even if it means sleeping with him all night.