coping with loneliness

[Caterina]

I suffer from loneliness. This happened after a bad break up a long time ago. For a long time I was afraid of getting into a relationship so I allowed myself a year to heal. When I dated again, I went through a very scarring, traumatic experience with a guy who basically used me. After that, I felt incredibly lonely...like I needed someone to validate my worth as someone lovable. I met this really funny guy. We started to date and instantly my loneliness disappeared. As time wore on, I realized that I didn't see myself in a permanent relationship with him for various reasons...he wasn't a bad guy in any way...he was actually great, but he had religious differences and lifestyle differences that began to grate on our relationship and I knew I had to end it. He agreed with me, however. But now, whenever we talk, he is sharp and angry with me. I think it may be because of the disappointments with the break up. Is it a bad idea to continue to talk to him? I care a lot about him as a friend, its just that our differences made a relationship almost impossible in my eyes. THe trials were too much. Is it better to stop talking to him or to continue? What would hurt him less and what would hurt me less?

Not only that, but I now have a new apartment all by myself. I always thought that I'd want something independent but I really suffer from loneliness quite a bit.

[Juliana]

You could ask him if he is upset that you are trying to stay in contact with him. It's good that you are recognizing that your loneliness is impeding your happiness, and good that you see that your standard ways of dealing with it aren't working. Self-awareness is healthy.

 

The problem may not be the quality of the relationships you're having; it may be that you are either expecting too much from them, or isolating yourself socially, or both. After all, one guy is not a social life.

 

I think if you're reasonably responsible, you might benefit from getting a cat, or a bird. Lonely people (I was one, moving from living with a large family, to being by myself) really enjoy the company of pets. A dog is alot of work, much more so than a cat, but dogs kind of bring their own social life with them -- all that walking, all those vet trips, all that time with the trainer and at the dog parks.

 

As to the existing guy, you don't have to wonder what wouldn't hurt him; beyond the obvious, it's his responsibility to look out for himself. If he can't give you a satisfactory answer to the question, "do you mind me calling you," and you still don't feel right after you've spoken with him, don't speak to him. Don't pursue relationships that hurt you, even if you wish or think they shouldn't hurt you. You don't need that.