Need help resisting temptation

[fmfisdead]

I am currently in a relationship that has been ongoing now for a year and a half. I really care about this girl and that is basically why I am here. I am really happy with my relationship, but it is at the point where snuggling and kissing just don't have the same flare that they used to. Of course, I know this is the destiny for every relationship.

 

I feel very guilty about this but its really hard to resist the temptation to flirt back with girls that are flirting with me. I know that its wrong but its that thing that is fun and exciting right now, where not all things within my relationship are. I need to know from some people that are experienced in this area how they resist the temptation to do this with the other sex.

 

Its actually gotten to the point now where I regularly talk with a girl online and we flirt often joking about us being together and stuff like that. What started out as a joke I fear is turning into feelings and something real. I want it to stop because I don't want to mess up this good thing that I have and I also don't want to hurt my girlfriend. I fear that these temptations will always be there for me I just need to learn how to resist them. Any help is appreciated, thank you.

[friscodj]

First of all, you should talk to your lady about spicing things up! I bet she feels the same way you do to a degree and has probably had opportunities to flirt with other guys as well. While you are right that it is normal for the initial fireworks to die down, there might be some relationship issues getting in the way of things that you might not necessarily know about and talking might expose those things.

 

So what are some tips to reduce temptation? Well, imagine life without this woman. Imagine going off with one of these other women and completely devastating your lady. Use your imagination, imagine some scenarios, imagine her crying and being hurt like she's never been before because of you. Could you live with that? How would you feel? Imagine things ending horribly, and never seeing her again. Then imagine regretting this for the rest of your life, 2,3, 4 years down the road still not over your mistake. Use your imagination like this and use it to generate possible realities resulting from such actions...

[Rabican]

You shouldnt be talking about 'being with' another girl ever, while you are with the girl you are currently with. That wont go anywhere good. After that, talk to your girl about heating things up.

[yeawutever]

You shouldnt be talking about 'being with' another girl ever, while you are with the girl you are currently with. That wont go anywhere good. After that, talk to your girl about heating things up.

 

Right on Rabican, talk, don't go on flying into another woman's arm. That solves nothing, instead it enlarges the orginal problem.

 

 

[fmfisdead]

I know that this other flirting thing with the other girl wasn't going to solve anything and it definitely was never intended to, it just got a little out of hand. But at the same time, I'm here, I'm trying to figure things out, and I want to make things work for the best, thats why I'm trying to figure these things out within my own head. It never would have gotten farther than just words and I know that, but even that would probably be enough to devastate my girlfriend. All in all, I don't think there is a special trick to resist the temptation, and I guess everybody gets it, or do they? It just feels sort of good at times when your having another girl desiring you and I guess thats really the only thing I want from the other girl. Other than that I've always kept her at a distance.

 

anyways, thank you guys for everything, I welcome any more advice that anyone is offering because this website always helps me out a lot. thanks.

[handsdown]

I think you misinterpret how relationships work in the long term. Yes the sparks of initial infatuation disappear, BUT, when they disappear there should be certain things there to replace them, such as intimacy, trust, friendship, LOVE, all those wonderful things you get from being with the one you are with.

 

Think about your BEST FRIEND in the world, someone who's been there through it all, do you ever toy with idea that maybe you are bored with your friend and want a new one? Probably not.

 

I have been with my current boyfriend for a year now, and I never feel the need to get attention from other men, in fact, it makes me quite uncomfortable! I don't miss the thrill of getting chased or chasing, having a crush etc etc. Not for a minute would I choose some random guys attention over my partners, and not for a minute do I ever feel I am "missing out".

 

However, my relationship before this one was 7 years in length. When the going was good, I felt the same way as I do now, when the going was rough and rocky I often toyed with fantasies of attention etc from other men. The reason? I wasn't happy, even when I swore up and down I was, I wasn't, I was just in denial.

 

So, well, talk to her, and STOP with this behavior, flirting with other girls. It disrespects your girlfriend sooo much. I don't care if you are on here, the fact is, you are being so selfish and if I was your girlfriend I would be mortified and embarrassed by your behavior! How would you feel if she was doing what you are doing with some other guy?

 

You will never be able to have your cake and eat it too, so face that fact, talk to her about your relationship and decide what you want to do. If you decide she is enough for you (and from your behavior she clearly is not) then you have to not WANT this attention from other girls, ever, not even a little bit.

 

Resisting temptations is easy when you have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with someone you think the world of. That's the secret, my friend.

[fmfisdead]

Okay, I've already stopped this behavior as its plain to see its not right, and I know it. But I still want to stress that it was ONLY flirting and nothing else, it wasn't even in person it was over the internet. I sincerely doubt that it would have been anything more than that either and its quite possible my girlfriend could have read the conversation and found nothing wrong, but I feel guilty and thats what made me come for advice.

 

I feel as though the issue is not really with her or the relationship, rather its with me. The bigger issue that I'm really trying to figure out is whats up with me and why do I start to feel this way after being with somebody for a while. I had a 3 year relationship in which i sort of started feeling the same way as I do now. That relationship was much worse that the one I'm in now, so much so that I really wanted out of the relationship and wanted to find someone else. In this relationship, thats not the case, but yet, here I am, maybe looking for the thrill or something. All I know is that I want it to stop and I need to figure out why I feel this way at times. I feel like no matter who I am with this is going to happen. I don't need replies from salty people who have had this sort of thing happen to them that criticize me for this, I am trying and thats really all I can do.

 

Any help is much appreciated (thanks to all that have already done so as well).

[friscodj]

Okay, I've already stopped this behavior as its plain to see its not right, and I know it. But I still want to stress that it was ONLY flirting and nothing else, it wasn't even in person it was over the internet. I sincerely doubt that it would have been anything more than that either and its quite possible my girlfriend could have read the conversation and found nothing wrong, but I feel guilty and thats what made me come for advice.

 

If you plant the seed, it could very well grow. It's best not to even flirt with this situation, figuratively and literally...things can escalate before you know it throwing you into more tempting situations...

 

The feelings of guilt mean you're a good man at heart...remember that...it is your soul's way of telling you something isn't right with things like that...

 

I feel as though the issue is not really with her or the relationship, rather its with me. The bigger issue that I'm really trying to figure out is whats up with me and why do I start to feel this way after being with somebody for a while. I had a 3 year relationship in which i sort of started feeling the same way as I do now. That relationship was much worse that the one I'm in now, so much so that I really wanted out of the relationship and wanted to find someone else. In this relationship, thats not the case, but yet, here I am, maybe looking for the thrill or something. All I know is that I want it to stop and I need to figure out why I feel this way at times. I feel like no matter who I am with this is going to happen. I don't need replies from salty people who have had this sort of thing happen to them that criticize me for this, I am trying and thats really all I can do.

 

This is normal, especially at your age I've seen. My advice is not to overthink this and really try hard to focus on letting yourself be happy. You might want to talk to a therapist about this if it really bothers you, situation like this are perfect for that...

[handsdown]

Your reaction to this spells out your problem.

 

Just flirting? It doesn't matter what you do, if you feel bad about it, it's wrong.

 

You still never mentioned how you would feel if she was doing it to you.

 

I doubt that this is something you will never get over. You are 21? Pretty young, you have a lot of years left to experience relationships, grow, and find the person who is truly right for you.

 

Maturity and readiness will make resisting temptation a lot easier too. Perhaps you aren't ready for that sort of commitment, but that doesn't mean you never will be.

 

I noticed you have not mentioned actually telling her about it. So by you saying you're "trying" really doesn't sit well. Talk to her about it, and tell her exactly what's going on, coming on here for advice is great, but please tell her what you've told us.

 

The advice given here is not "salty", it's the truth, so.. What did you expect people to tell you? You made a mistake, tell her that, tell her you feel guilty, and then SHE can decide whether it bothers her or not. Who knows, maybe she could care less, and as long as you are cool with her flirting too, your relationship will be smooth sailing. Communication and equality do wonders! Good Luck!

[fmfisdead]

Friscodj: I definitely hear you on all levels. Its over and done with and I'm glad I stopped it while it was something small (in my opinion). It could have gotten worse and thats far from what I really wanted and I honestly think posting about this has pretty much gotten my mind right as to whats really important in this whole matter. I've pretty much decided to revert all of my energy into the relationship and worry about doing things that make us happy together, which there is a lot to choose from. I guess it was kind of an episode of being curious (as it hadn't really gone on for awhile), but I know that I already have what I want. thanks a lot for your help man.

 

handsdown: Yes it is just flirting, but at the same time it is also wrong. I have never not owned up to that fact of it being wrong but I'm currently rectifying the situation. I really don't think of this as a situation as an end all to a relationship.

 

About how I would feel if she was doing it to me, you really don't even need an answer. Any person would feel horrible about it, so of course I don't want to make my girlfriend feel that way. I know its wrong because of how it would make her feel and at the same time its just wrong in general. I haven't needed anyone to spell that one out for me.

 

I know you tried to give me advice but at the same time it felt kind of like you were taking a few shots at me as well, which is fine, what can you really expect. It just didn't seem to help me and sounded more like I'm a bad person and why can't you're relationship be as good as mine. I'm not going to tell her about this situation with the other girl, because there is almost no situation to even talk about. As much as I want her to know, I know that its going to create an unneeded situation over something that I feel is relatively small. I will however talk things out with her about our relationship and where its headed. (let me add that I was never unhappy with the relationship or with her, it was merely a thing of stupid curiosity).

 

With that being said, I still thank you for your insight.

[bms85]

Speaking from experience, I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years and we have only had sex once in the last year. I have gotten really good at resisting temptation. I manage not to by a genuine concern for her feelings, by avoiding a situation where I would be compelled to flirt i.e. when out with friends I make it clear I’m not interested in any potential temptations by throwing in a quick my girlfriend… that should throw off most level headed girls. There’s times when I really want to fall to temptations (once in a year sucks) but I have gotten good at resisting, having a girl I’ve known come up to me butt naked at a party once and tell me to do her there, I pushed her away and left. One thing I can’t stand is dishonesty if you have to have someone else at least explain why to your girlfriend why you want another girl. But chances are talking to her about spicing up your relationship might do the trick. MY ADVICE… stay away from flirting and all other temptation for that matter.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Snuggling and kissing?? Excuse my French but aren't you doing the Wildthing on a regular basis with her???

 

Nothing gives me more satisfaction then knowing that some Hot Chick wants me, but I reject her!

 

Listen bro...Men are always tempted by the fruit of another...that's why you have your gf to keep you satisfied, and when she isn't around, your right hand! Or left hand if you're a switch hitter!

 

Good Luck!