When an affair ends.

[Heisinmyheart]

Do you think it's possible that a guy that was in an affair grieves over the loss of the woman he had as an affair partner? I see mostly women (myself included) struggle with the ending of the relationship, no matter who decided to call it off. Men always seem to hold a stiff upper lip and show little reaction to this stuff. I personally think that yes they do but probably not as long as a woman.

[Relationship Coach]

I think he would be happy to be out of the affair and back where he belongs. If he really missed you and wanted to be with you, he would. Affairs often fill a selfish purpose and when that purpose is met or no longer worth the risk, then it ends.

 

RC

[yeawutever]

If he really missed you as well as you missed him, then both of you would either separate or divorce your spouses.

[Heisinmyheart]

Thanks for the replies. You both are so right.

Have a great day!

[Juliana]

Of course they grieve. But what level of emotional maturity and responsibility are we talking about here? What depth of grief?

 

I'm the product of an affair, and my father still tears up when he talks about my mother. My mother died almost 30 years ago, and he still talks about leaving his wife. It's unbelievable.

 

I feel bad for my father, but I don't think that he is someone who could ever be happy, because he could never think, "yes, I'm doing the right thing," whether he was with my mother or not. He can grieve, but I'm not altogether sure exactly what he's grieving about; her, or himself.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Finally a post that I definitely know something about...I had an affair for almost 3 yrs with a woman from work.....I ended it...and I do still have feelings for her but I bury them. I don't talk to her (even though we work at the same company). I don't return her mail.....nothing....Part of me wants to meet her, talk to her..etc etc...but I'm married..and I finally got things going good again with my wife........I have some good memories of us being together but for me, my life is going in a different direction.....towards my wife and kids......No more Extracurricular activites for me anymore....

 

I don't think I am emotionally stronger than her...I just think I (maybe men in general) just know how to 'Suck up the pain' better.....When the affair first started..for me it was just sex...but she is married too so for her it was emotional......Once you make it a matter of the heart...it becomes much much harder to let go......Even the day we broke up..I said to her that in several weeks or a month, you won't even think about me anymore..you have your husband....her reply was basically that it is not that easy for a woman to 'Forget'.

 

What I have found is that as more and more time goes by, I wonder how we ever had an affair in the first place...I mean there were times when we were meeting every evening for example...I wonder how I pulled that off????? Anyways..it's over...We're not lovers, we're not friends, nothing...never meet, never talk....ever!

 

Had to Let her go!

 

One more thing I realized...Purpose...what was the purpose of us being together?? I asked her one day....what is our future??? are you willing to divorce your husband, break his heart?? Am I willing to divorce my wife, throw away my kids for you??? We both answered, NO. So really....why continue with something like that..a relationship without a purpose....

[strength2007]

Responding to your questioned. I often wonder if my husband that had an emotional and sexual affair with his coworker (boss) is over her. Mike Wasowski, reading your response was interesting to me because you described my husbands situation. I was just curious, does your wife know about your affair, and she continues to be "OK" with you working with her? That was one of the biggest obstacles when I found out about my husbands infidelity with his boss, and either one of them would find another job. I hated when Monday morning would come and would be fine when Friday night would start, because then I knew they weren't seeing each other or talking to each other, (they have to work closely together.) He says he hates her, can't stand seeing her, and her husband told me she doesn't know why she even did it. But the two of them pledged their love for each other, they, at some point talked about moving in together, but realized they couldn't divorce their spouses and leave their children. So tell me, (Never having an affair myself, never crossed my mind to betray my best friend, husband, lover, father of my children, soulmate) how does one see their ex-lover every day and not feel any remorse or feelings? I have come to a conclusion, there are people with integrity and character and there are people with no integrity, no self worth, you think that it is owed to you, its only sex. They (faithful Spouse) will never find out. I'm just going to have a little fun, no one will get hurt.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the depth of grief has to do with the depth of involvement and why they cheated to begin with... but the bottom line is that anyone undertaking an affair is bound to cause a load of grief, for themselves, their spouses, their affair partner, their children, etc. etc.

 

there are some unrepentent philanderers who care about no one but themselves and scoring, so those may feel no guilt at all, just a sense of triumph about getting away with scoring another sex partner.

 

and others may be tortured because they realize it was a big mistake and hurt their wife and affair partner. and yes, they could miss you, but it is much easier to forget the partner when one dives back into a marriage, children and family routine...

 

so don't try to sentimentalize an affair by pondering where he 'misses' you or not, just a way of prolonging the connection that has obviously ended for some reason... he may miss you, but he can miss a lot of things that he enjoyed at one time, but no longer indulges in, like i miss chocolate when i'm on a diet.

 

don't let it stop you from moving on and recognizing he has made a choice to stay with the wife and family, so obviously would miss them more than he misses you now or he wouldn't have made that choice.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Hey Strength.....My wife never knew I had an affair......so us working at the same company was never an issue. But i'm sure that if my wife knew about it, she would demand that i quit the company...and rightly so. That would be an act of trust on my part showing her that I can leave that woman behind.

 

Luckily for me, the other women is quitting the company at the end of next month.....I'm very glad for that basically because, men, in general I think can easily fall back into an affair with the same woman if they see them day in and day out. I'm sure I could easily start it up again with this woman because it is convenient to meet, have lunch, meet after work cause we are both at the same company etc....

 

I think it is dangerous for your husband to work side by side with this woman and I'm sure everyday must be like Hell for you knowing they are working side by side......

 

With regards to your point of people whether have 'Integrity' or 'No Integrity', I must agree with you. And I believe I fall into the the Latter of the two.

 

I cheated on my wife for one reason only, she wasn't giving me sex and I wanted sex so I went out and looked for it..unfortunately, as time went on it became more than just sex....

 

But now it is over and I try to not think of other women besides my wife....

 

Good Luck!

[strength2007]

Thanks for your reply Mike, I know my soon to be ex husband is weak and has even told me that he could'nt promise me he would never cheat on me again. He tells me that it has been over for some time with this women,(by the way, her husband died this past August from complications of surgery) and now my husband says he just feels sorry for her!???! The stage is set, I now the affair could start up very easily again. As for you and your wife. I can only hope you are sweeping her off her feet to regain back what you took from her, whether she knows it or not. It sounds like you are one of the rare individuals that learn from their mistakes.

[heartburn]

Yes guys do grieve when an affair is over or greatly changed.I am there right now.So far I have been in a very torrid affair for three months,give or take a day or so.Both of us are married.We felt it would lessen the chance someone might get the urge to confide and the ensuing riptide effect.The woman is a co-worker and things developed at an unbelievable rate right before our eyes.We took the chances ,had sex in unbelievable places,but also spent time just looking into each other's eyes.We fell into a kind of love but ,I feel it is different than a life partner type of love as we never intended to leave present spouses.I personally believe a man has the capability to love 2 women under such circumstances.Things were going just incredible until her husband started getting suspicious of the time we were spending together.Started checking the computer,phone bills and literally bombarding her with constant questioning about her time with me.It got so bad she told me to only call some and no emails.We only have a rare phone call now and I see her at work.She likes to talk to me about her fond memories of our escapades but she isn't affectionate as she was.The guilt she has over what has gone on between us is legendary.She wants the affair to cool off,and get the heat off me.Then possibly later we can still have something of what we had because she will freely admit she has not gotten over me. So here we are.I feel like I have been * * * * * -slapped.I guess that is better than shot.I never intended to put any real pressure on her marriage or mine,but still I am having trouble believing her when she says to let it cool off and we will try again.It appears that both our marriages will survive this and that is good.I didn't want either of us to make any life changing decisions.My advice on this is better keep an open mind going into an affair.The break-ups are just as devastating ,at least to me ,as any break-up after all the sex,emotion and time spent,as any emotionally charged relationship.And with a wife or husband around all the time the pain is all your own. Any grieving has to be completely silent.Because the affair may be over for the 2 involved but it won't be when and if the significant other finds out you had one.

[Juliana]

This is a perfect example of what I've been talking about:

 

- There was no intent to end the marriage, at any point;

- No appreciation of the stress that the spouses would be under during the affair;

- No comprehension of the idea that perhaps the spouses would feel an alienation of affection during the affair;

- A belief that it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time, but that the love offered to a spouse is of a different quality;

- A backhanded admission that there is less emotion involved in an affair ("The break-ups are just as devastating ,at least to me ,as any break-up after all the sex,emotion and time spent,as any emotionally charged relationship"), which although it could reasonably be attributed to an failure to express oneself clearly, ties in with the idea that the love felt for a spouse and the love felt for a mistress are somehow different in quality.

 

People having affairs do not understand what the consequences of their actions will be, for themselves, or for other people. They are emotionally deadened, to some extent, although they feel the exact opposite; what they are lacking is concern for the welfare of others. Empathy. Without empathy, what passes for love is simple selfishness.

 

H'burn please don't think I am trying to be offensive to you; I'm not. I believe that you are genuinely trying to meet the needs of yourself and other people as you perceive them. I also believe that you are not perceiving those needs clearly or honestly. Love is the ability to put someone else's well-being ahead of your own. Where, in your actions, do you find that love? Unless both partners are in an open marriage, extra-curricular sex will be damaging to someone.

[heartburn]

Let me start off by saying,Juliana I did not take offense to what you are saying.You are certainly entitled to your opinion,I simply don't share it.This reminds me of a state trooper that was harassing me because my hair was about a foot longer than his.I had to have responsibility beyond responsibility while trying to be responsible for everyone else on the road.It wasn't my foot that was causing the trouble,my hair was the culprit.I certainly would not have been a target with a approved short hair style.It is very plain to me that affairs bother you and should not be had by anyone unless of course,they are willing to worry about alienation of affection,ending the marriage,stress levels of the spouses and the seperation of the type of love offered the wife or husband or the other man or other woman.Feel free not to have an affair based on how you feel about them.

Let's understand what an affair actually is.An affair is seeing someone else, ON THE SIDE, for sex,companionship and possibly a different way of being treated than at home.They have been going on this way since recorded history.It doesn't make them right or acceptable,but this is how it is.I am not a veteran of affairs by any means,but this one happened to me and I described it exactly as it went down including the honesty about her feelings,my feelings during and post the affair.This was intoxicating and I know of no one who wouldn't feel this way after becoming used to the sex,emotions, thrills and everything else, then it comes to a screeching halt.If she(the other woman) were here she would more than happily tell you that I placed her needs above my own.This is one of the reasons the affair went on as long as it did,how she felt with me,and about me.But being forced to choose between me and her husband(I did not force such a thing ,it was her husband)he won out.She and I were unwilling to end both marriages to be together knowing in advance affairs usually don't have to go that way.

No ,I don't want my wife to find out or her husband ,but again that is why they call them affairs,most won't stand the light of day.I see no reason because this happened to end a marriage over it,such as coming clean with the spouses,since we weren't caught.If we had however been caught,that would be another thing entirely.

I was looking for a site to explain what happened to me,to others this has happened to and we understand the highs and lows of it all.So far the only reply has been as I mentioned before,responsibility beyond responsibility while taking responsibility for everyone involved directly in the affair as well as those not intended to find out about it.I'm afraid you and I have very different opinions about affairs.I can't justify, when I see the guilt in my former lover's eyes,they are right,(but they still happen and it happened to us) and if we do get involved in one,the outcome will probably not be what we wanted or expected,but living with it is all anyone can do.

[Juliana]

"Responsibility beyond responsibility"? Are you seriously feeling sorry for yourself because you are being expected to live up to your own marriage vows? You think some exceptional pressure is being brought to bear on you?

 

You seek to justify everything by your own standards, but you have no business entering into a marriage that swears you to physical fidelity, and then going out and violating that promise, thinking that it's alright because your wife didn't find out. So long as your wife believes that marriage involves sexual fidelity, you have turned your marriage into a lie. It is a morally untenable position. Adultery always involves other people, whether they discover the affair or not. If only in the love that you gave to another woman, the physical and emotional intimacy you gave to another woman, you have robbed your wife. How dare you try to justify what you did with some kind of moral relativism. Do you imagine that no one else's feelings are worth consideration, just yours?

[heartburn]

ok,we have different attitudes about affairs.I have no wish to fight with you but I also refuse to be judged by you.It is clear I am on the wrong site.I was under the mistaken impression this was the place to talk about your affairs not be judged by someone waiting on the oppourtunity.I withdraw all of my information and will move on.I will do my part to make sure some other unsuspecting soul doesn't come here to open up and be come a target.

[irishtruegreen]

unbelievable! This is just the attitude I get from my husband..like I am to blame he met her! He was bored----boo hoo! MEN are seriously f'd up!