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Friend giving me the distant shoulder


krissbrown
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I have a friend from childhood. Only person I keep in touch with, shes married has kids, im single.

Last we spoke was around last new years, she called to tell me she had a baby from the hospital, i sent a present. When we spoke on the phone, she just wasnt too helpful to me. I thought i could tell her about some family problems i was going through with my cousins, etc. I told her i dont tell anyone i know about this but i tell her cause i trust her, know her for so long...She wasnt helpful. She also cut the conversation short. She didnt say "lets get together" or "i'll call you back"// Then some weeks later i received an invite to the baby shower. I really didnt want to go because i didnt feel she was much of a friend on the phone. So i replied back i couldnt go. Recently she sent me a birthday card. She even left a message the same day to make sure i got it. I called her back and left a message asking her to call me back, its been a month now and she has not gotten back to me.

Seems like shes really not interested in being my friend and is keeping me at a distance with phone tag..Should i even bother being friends with her still? I dont see the point. I havent seen her in 4 years and she doesnt seem like she wants to get together at all.

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Well she JUST had a baby. You need to cut her some slack. If she's calling from the hospital to tell you she just gave birth I think it is unreasonable for you to expect her to have a counseling session with you right then and there. She's just been through a tough ordeal, a lot of pain, and was probably completely exhausted. Not to mention she's now got the added responsibility of a new baby. That takes a few weeks to adjust to.

 

I don't mean to minimize the problems you were having, but you are way out of line with your expectations of your friend. After all, you could have seen her at the baby shower but you chose not to.

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Your interactions with this woman seem to be very one-sided.

 

She just had a baby - you wanted to talk about your problems.

 

Maybe there is a part of this conversation you haven't relayed here? I think you chose the wrong time to off-load. Just because you feel that she is the only person you can tell these things too doesn't mean she has to be available to offer advice/consolation at the time and date of your choosing. Put yourself in her place for a moment and imagine how you would feel.

 

She sends you a birthday card - you call and ask her to ring you back.

 

You should have called and said thank you for the card and for remembering my birthday. No doubt she would have called you back without the request from you to do so.

 

She didn't say "lets get together" or "i'll call you back".

 

however

 

Then some weeks later i received an invite to the baby shower.

 

then

 

I really didn't want to go because i didn't feel she was much of a friend on the phone.

 

I'm really left wondering how much a friend you were with her?

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yup, sorry, gotta agree with kafka and avman. she just pushed a baby the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon. that plus the drugs and exhaustion, and the thrill of having a new baby, I wouldn't say that would be the perfect time for her to play counselor to you.

 

i've never had a kid, but i can imagine the first few weeks would be very exciting and hectic and crazy! your life has just changed overnight!

 

I agree, I think you should have gone to the baby shower.

 

Maybe offer to come by, or do some errands for her, lighten her load a little so she can sit and then she may be in the mood to listen to what's on your mind.

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Well maybe I didn't describe everything fully. But i understand that I wasn't being so great since she just had a baby. After the conversation I realized that and sent her a present. She called back to thank me but cut the conversation short again. Then she told me she didnt send me a x-mas card because when i gave her my new adress she wrote it on a pizza box and threw it away by accident... I was offended by that- obvious lie. because the day after our conversation, i said please call me when you get the chance because i forgot to ask for your email adress, she never replied back.

When i called to thank her for the birthday card I just said give me a call when you get the chance, I didn't demand, but have not heard from her.

When my father passed away which was a very traumatic death and i asked her to be there she didnt come to the wake or funeral, i asked her why and she said she just went to a wake some weeks ago so it would be too much to come to my dads..so i dont see the big deal if i didnt go to the baby shower.

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Sometimes life is such that we lose our friends. It's distance, it's having a family, it's all kinds of things really. Usually it's not because we've been a 'bad friend'. Life is such! Doesn't matter if you've been friends forever. It happens. Happened to me. Stuff gets in the way. And then we don't invest as much in the friendship because of family obligations, etc.

 

If you've been friends for a long time, tell your friend how much she means to you. And that you feel your friendship is not as it was before.

 

Good luck to you.

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When my father passed away which was a very traumatic death and i asked her to be there she didnt come to the wake or funeral, i asked her why and she said she just went to a wake some weeks ago so it would be too much to come to my dads..so i dont see the big deal if i didnt go to the baby shower.

Her not showing at your fathers wake or funeral wasn't very kind, I'll give you that, but this sort of * * *-for-tat retaliation isn't very helpful either. It's kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face, don't you think?

 

Maybe your expectations are too high with this woman? I think each of our friends fulfill different things for us. I know that there are certain things I would tell some and not others or certain people I could count on in bad times and others that I wouldn't think twice about.

 

It is also perfectly natural that we grow apart from some friends. Perhaps you two are just trying to keep something going based on a past connection and little else? There is little virtue in hanging onto a friendship just because it is someone you've known since grade school.

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edit comment: it's funny that it blanked that ***-for-tat. There are certain bird species I'll never be able to mention here I guess!

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