Desperate mom, need help...

[spygirl1992]

You may remember me, or not, but I'm back after taking the advice of several well-meaning posters and my life is still a mess. I'll try to make this short, but it will be hard. I got married at 19, been married for almost 10 years now. I have a 2 and 3 year old and am a stay at home mom. my husband is a great man. He's always played computer games and isn't very social. Still, he's not an alcoholic, smoker, drinker, unemployed, abuser. LOL. He's decent and he's also cute! Well, a couple years ago, I lost all my baby weight and then some. Am now a size 4. The attention I received from men shocked me and I found it really flattering. I always wondered what it would have been like to date men at a size 4 instead of a 10-12 and not settle with the first man I slept with. I never did anything about it, just enjoyed the attention. Well, I discovered my dh was chatting with women online. He had never met anyone, but chatted A LOT and had a secret email girls would write him at. This happened on and off throughout our marriage. I went from anger to just accepting it as something harmless. Well, on our 8th anniversary, we talked about maybe having an open marriage. Dating others because we missed out on it and seeing how that worked. We dont want a messy divorce with the kids. I mean, we dont hate each other. So we talked about it, never agreed. Then I met a man online an ended up meeting him in a mall. A very goodlooking one that I never got to date because I felt I was too fat for the cute men. A few months later, I slept with him. The guilt got to me but I could never tell dh..so after 4 weeks of having my affair, I told hubby to go ahead with the open relationship...that we should do it. That was a year ago. He still doesnt know I started 4 weeks before him. He dated a few girls and is now seeing one in particular. I am still seeing the same guy and have an emotional on and off rollercoaster relationship with him. He's such a loser but I can't seem to break free from him. I guess we are both very needy and need each other. In the meantime, I've been a terrible stay at home mom to my children. I sleep in, give them a box of teddy grahams and chocolate milk and head back to bed. I see my boyfriend from 7pm to 1am and am too tired to get up with my kids. My dh and I alternate days to go out. I let the kids destroy the house during the day while I sit on the computer in my pajammas. I get it all cleaned up and i get dressed before hubby comes home. He has no clue. I LOVE my children so much. However, I just find myself running from them all the time. I just cant seem to deal with them. Its too much. I just wish they would watch tv all day and play with each other and leave me alone. I know that sounds HORRIBLE but it's how I feel. I have been on Zoloft for 2 months now and it hasn't helped at all. I've been seeing a therapist for 8 months and feel it helps but not enough. I have tried to make the changes. Broken up with boyfriend (very toxic relationship) about 20x! I just keep going back. I feel so alone when he's not in my life. I think a daycare would be better off than me to care for my kids, but I feel scared to put them in one and head back to work. I am so lazy and unmotivated. I'm scared to return to the workforce. So scared I wont catch on, wont do good, get fired..etc. I like the luxury of staying home but my life is just a mess and I'm not a good mom to my kids. I used to be such a good wife, such a good mom when I just had a 1 year old and no other issues. Then my life slowly crumbled. I dont even want marriage counselling because theres NO passion with hubby. He's just a good friend and more like a brother that I still live with because he pays the bills, lets me stay home and also because I dont want to break up the home and uproot everyone. If you're still listening to my pathetic post...could you please help me?????? I have no one to go to and don't know how I became this horrible, selfish mom...

[Annoyed And Bitter]

Okay, I am going to give you the only advice that will do any good here...

You have got to figure out what is important to you. I have no doubt that you love your kids, but you are treating them like they are not important to you anymore.

 

Despite anyhting else going on in your life you have the obligation to treat them with love and respect, and to take care of them physically, emotionally, and mentally. If a computer and a dysfunctional relationship are interfering with your childrens LIVES and HEALTH there are some serious priority issues here.

 

The issue with your husband isn't all that big a deal. If the two of you are happy this way, whatever. I think it is sad that you are using him so horribly, but if that is what the two of you are comfortable with, fine.

 

The real issue here is your kids and they deserve better, and YOU KNOW IT!!!

[BazookaMike]

This is my advice I'm 21 and single with no kids btw.

 

You two have children, children, children. STOP thinking about yourselves these kids are the number one priory in your lives. Don't **** up their little lives just because you feel that you've missed out on something while you were my age. None of that should matter anymore, what matters is these kids.

 

Look a couples love completely changes after they have children, their entire notion of joy and happiness changes. It is not this love/lust infatuation that you seem to want to experience and hold on to. Forget it all, that isn't what its about anymore. It is about raising two children here, bottom line, you two should be taking joy in that. Get your family together, you have a household to raise. Now that is the love that people really need to be happy.

 

-bazooka

[Punished Angel]

All your thinking about is yourself, and your needs, but what about your children and their needs, they want and need a mother especially when their so young like that. Stop thinking about yourself and stop going out with the guy you called a loser every night, and spend quality time with your damn family. You need your kids more than that "loser" , maybe soon you will figure that out.

[2BinLuv]

first off, I would like to applaud you for being very open and honest about your issues in your life. It takes a lot to admit to what you are doing wrong. A therapist, counselor, and medication does help... but only if you take them seriously. They can't help you if you don't really try to help yourself. As far as the zoloft, make sure you continue to take it even if you feel like you don't need it. It won't work if you stop taking them.

 

As for the fact that you feel that you are being a horrible mother and that you are tired, it's okay to feel like that. And you already did the first step to admiting to it. but first thing is first, you can't attack a situation by doing it all at once. First of all, I think you need to stop this on again off again relationship with your husband. I feel like you both are not into it and that you are just wasting each others time and hurting your children even more. After you take care of that and also break it off with the other guy, you have the energy, time, and dedication to your kids. Once you do achieve that relationship with your kids, and you do regain your confidence in yourself, you will be able to have the ability and compacity to build on meeting new people and have a healthy relationship... The thing to remember is that you have to attack the problems one at a time.

[want2bnumb]

Why don't you try going back to school! You need to educate not medicate yourself! Acknowledging that you are being a crappy mom is the first step. Now do something about it! You only have your kids for 18 years and then they are off to do their own thing. If you think about it that is not a long time considering the human life span. You need to do some serious soul searching. Why are you lonely? Do you just want attention? Do you just want sex? What is it?

 

By the way, you made these choices not your kids. You asked for them to be here not the other way around. Don't take what you have for granted! Maybe you should tell your (dh) best friend/like a brother what is going on with you and maybe he can help you out since that's what friends/brothers do.

[spygirl1992]

Thanks for the replies. Especially to 2Binluv. I will try to tackle these problems one step at a time. Thank you so much for listening and responding!

 

My kids and I are going to the zoo today, having a picnic, I am excited and it's a great start.

 

Thank you again