Feel depression creeping up

[itsallgrand]

Really do not want to go there. Sick of it. Sick of instability.

 

I feel way too old for this sort of thing. I understand now that I am only learning. Only now learning how to actually articulate my emotions and feel.

 

It'd be really nice to have a nanny ( I'm laughing too, but I'm being serious!).

Someone to follow me around and gently guide me in the right direction, give me a kind reminder when I slip and begin to feel sorry for myself, care.

Ohh hey - I'm talking about wanting a mother.

 

When my bf and I broke up recently, it scared me pretty raw. He had told me how much better I am doing at expressing my feelings and allowing him into his life (I've been a loner kind of person, keeping most things to myself other than to tell them 'what for', yeah, rather abrasive and cold sometimes).

Anyways, things were getting really good there - best communication ever, long standing friendship, genuine caring - yet we still broke up.

 

That was a wake up call of sorts. And that let it be. No big huff or anything.

 

But now it's all me, and I have a long standing pattern of depressive episodes, and I feel one moving in. Mostly bc the forward momentum isn't happening, I'm not sure how to make that happen anymore. Negative has become so routine, almost feels secure. Like it's all i ve known or something, though i know there's been some times without it.

 

If I can't beat myself up to get motivated, where will the motivation come from?

Silly question I know. But I find myself being pulled into all these old habits and not knowing what to replace them with. Where the heck is that old passion and vrooom? All my interests, hobbies, friends? This ain't good.

 

Feels like I take a chip out of one thing, make a positive step, but then get blindsided so easily. It'd be much easier if I could recall a time when all was well, but I don't really. I'm not sure what I am moving towards anymore.

 

Just feel old, forgetful, and scatter brained. Me defininitly needs a solid plan! Not a loosey-goosey one either. A real, detailed plan to commit to.

 

thanks for listening.

[justpaisley]

Ahh, you're never too old for this kind of stuff. It's easier to get caught up in when we're young and we still have hormones shoving around in our brains, but sometimes it sticks around. And darn it when it does. My battle with depression has eased up a LOT since I was first diagnosed at the tender old age of 19, but it still sticks around.

 

I'm seeing myself getting into a dark place, too. My faith isn't as strong as it once was (it's been a pretty hard couple of years on me) and I can see that taking a toll on my emotions.

 

I definitely allow myself to have a few bad days (or weeks) when I feel the depression creeping up on me. I generally do bounce back, but the harder I fight it, the harder it hits me when it finally gets through, and that's the worst. I don't know if you're able to do the same thing, but I find that if I indulge the monster, it doesn't stick around as long.

 

Stick with us, we're always here for you. Giant, huge, big fat hugs.

[itsallgrand]

paisley, thank you and I will take that hug. I hope your rough spot eases up soon.

 

You know what? No, I have not indulged my depression before. I mean, yes, I have fed it and been miserable and felt sorry for myself.

However, I don't think I've ever just let it be.

 

Made a decision tonight.

I'm going to rest for a while. I've been through a lot and it is time I give myself a break.

Here's my plan:

Going to truly rest, meaning I will rest my brain and body and emotions for however long til I get better. Cut back on the computer (I work part-time on the comp and also have developed a big old forum habit . I am going to cut down on my reading. (I read a lot, a lot, for work and 'enjoyment' but it has been a long time since a break).

I'm going to sleep more and rest when I wanna.

I'm going to figure out a way to stabilize my work shifts. Right now I work a crazy schedule - been doing it since my early 20's. And it is getting to me. I need some regularity. I really don't want to work such wacky times and there is no need for it anymore.

I'm going to spend more time just relaxing: I'm going to start gardening again, and going for my nice hikes.

Going to cut out the adrenaline rushes for a while, and spend some long needed time with the people who make me feel good and sane.

I'm going to simply things for a while.

 

God, do I feel better saying that! Yes. That's what I am going to do. No point torturing myself any longer for being the age I am and the capabilities I do right now. I need to rest. REst...ahhh.

 

You have no idea how much your post has helped me. It came at just right time. Thank you.

[Daddy Bear]

Grandy... you're soooo good at helping people with their problems. you will dig your way out of this. i have faith in you.

 

and whaddya mean, you feel old? aren't you like, 27? that's just a pipsqueak to me! hell, i have kids that age, and i'm not old by a long shot! shake that thought off, it doesn't apply to you.

[itsallgrand]

Benty, *Hug* You really know how to make a girl feel great.

 

I had a nice, relaxing day. This age thing..it's been bothering me for a long while..never quite pinpointed why. Today it made sense.

There's been so much I have been avoiding facing, growth wise. I see a girl in her teens and I get all this anger inside, and sadness.

Putting 1+1 together now. It simply reminds me of my own hurt and vulnerability at that age.

 

I felt a weight lifted today, somehow I know this will get worked out and I am Okay. The comparisions I sometimes get sucked into (thinking: everyone else is so ahead of me, always wanting to catch up) is self torture with no point. So no need to keep doing that.

 

Anyhow, the resting and going at my own pace seems like a good thing. And finding the right specialist to guide me along. And watching to catch when people do care, instead of always trying to look out for the bad.

 

Long road, but will get better. I know that now.

[Aurian]

I'm the kind of person who gets depressed and pessimistic easily in my heart. My counselor is always telling me that I should stop with the looking at the bad side of things and tell myself of what is good in my life. When you focus on the bad, you forget the little things you are proud of too.

 

Secondly, do the things that make you happy, or even just relaxed a bit. Sounds like you're already planning to do those.

 

Third, its okay to schedule a bit of time to grizzle and be depressed, but no more than half-an-hour at a time! Then go do something that usually makes you feel happy. This lets out the feelings in a controlled manner.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks Aurian. That makes a lot of sense. Like, making a conscious choice to be depressed and pissy instead of just slipping into it mindlessly.

 

I like that. It means I don't have to give up anything! I can do what I need to , be happy, and have my lil fit too.

[Aurian]

\\ You go girl!