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meeting up with my bf after a few days of space


kekep
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Hello all...my boyfriend and I have had a mostly happy 5 year long relationship. Not to say there aren't issues between us. We had been spending almost every day together, driving to work together, having lunch and dinner, then either going out with friends or doing the movie thing. We are pretty much attached at the hip. However, I tend to get jealous when he wants to go out with all of his friends. He never wants to disclude me but many times I'll not go with him b/c I'll be upset that spending time with just me isn't enough. I know it is childish. That is one big issue. The other thing is we were raised very differently by our parents: mine have always been very generous to me and his made him earn his keep. It has always been a source of conflict, but now he says he is concerned that he cannot live up to my expectations and he wonders if he can truly make me happy down the line. He said he feels like it is always an "uphill battle" with me. Even I have noticed that lately I compare our relationship to other people's, and he says that doing that just makes him feel like he isn't good enough for me. On Tuesday is when things came to a head. He told me that he wanted to take a few days to think about everything. Since then, I have been pretty miserable, trying to stay busy but still thinking about how I'd like to work through this. We have stayed in email contact (always initiated by me) and he has said he is very confused and needs more time to think. One of his emails said that he has trouble gauging how big our issues are and he doesn't understand why I get so mad at him all of the time. But then he wrote that we have something very special and have plenty of good times together. Anyway, finally, today, he agreed for us to meet up after work to discuss everything. I am so nervous that this could be the end and I am scared I am going to freak out and cry during our talk. I want to be strong and show him that we can pull through. Can someone give me advice on what to do?

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The other thing is we were raised very differently by our parents: mine have always been very generous to me and his made him earn his keep. It has always been a source of conflict, but now he says he is concerned that he cannot live up to my expectations and he wonders if he can truly make me happy down the line.

What are your expectations of him?

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Hmmm ... I've been where you are, and I know it isn't easy. The one piece of advice that I GOT and didn't take (but hopefully you will), is to avoid assuming the worst. It will bring nothing but paranoia and you won't be thinking clearly. It sounds like you both need some time to gather your thoughts - and believe me - sometimes this is a very good thing and can help matters greatly. So please, don't assume anything right now. Giving a man time to think is difficult, but he will appreciate it more than you can possibly know.

 

He said that he believes that you two have something special, and have a lot of great times together. If things were really going to end, I doubt that he would have said this.

 

He's feeling inadequate right now, and needs your reassurance - ONLY - if you feel that you can really give it to him. If you've been brought up differently or are from a different class altogether, then he may feel that he just doesn't 'make the cut', so-to-speak. This is something YOU will have to think about and discuss with him. Be honest with him about what you expect. Ask him how he feels about it - then listen, empathize, and validate his feelings. You don't necessarily have to agree, but it helps a great deal to have someone actually see your point of view.

 

If you really want things to work, and I think they probably can, then you're both going to have to be willing to work at it. Understand each other. Don't compare your relationship to anyone or anything else. Every couple is different, because our differences MAKE it so. Just because your girlfriend has an "amazing" relationship and her boyfriend does things that yours doesn't, doesn't mean that yours isn't as good.

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Hey There,

 

It sounds as though you are pretty self aware of what your flaws are in the relationship, but have done little to work on them. I think in order for you to be able to salvage this relationship, you have to have a plan about what is going to be different and how it will be different, including steps of action that you can take to see that your part of the work is done.

 

You say that you spend loads of time with him, and yet, don't want him to spend time with his friends. You recognize that is selfish, but what will you do about it to change that? Do you have activities that you can do while he gets his time in with friends? It's a healthy balance to spend time with your friends and do outside activities as well as spend time with your partner, and it sounds as though you need more of that as well as he does. It will balance things out alot and give you something interesting to talk about when you are together. If you wrap your entire world and social life around him- what happens when he is gone- like now? See why it's important to keep the balance?

 

That is not to say that he is blameless, and if he decides he wants to work it out, there needs to be some effort on his part to bridge the differences that are driving you apart as well.

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I have only one advise for you: be honest.

 

Some couples don't go over the 4-5 years benchmark and being with someone everyday like you two are can be hard on a relationship. You have to be you inside a relationship and not be there only for the relationship. He have the right to have some friends and go out with them and you have the right to do the same.

 

If he feel he is in a prison and that wathever he will do won't make you happy then he will find a way to bail out. You want to impress him? Tell him you've decided to give him 1 or 2 free evening each week where he can do whatever he please with whoever he choose (except girls of course, only boys) and just let him go. You need to work on your insecurity and your jealousy, if you try to control him he will try to get away from you.

 

Hang in there, it doesn't really matter if you cry or not, what really matters is to understand why he feel like that and to listen to what he have to say.

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kekep. thanks for your advice on my thread - its ironic how similar you description of your situation sounds to mine.

 

most important piece of advice is to not start worrying that its going to be the end...when you go into a talk in that frame of mind it can tend for the dynamic to lead taht way.

 

another question: what is his relationship like with your family and vice versa?

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