Is This Right?

[Majoraslayer]

I'm lost.

 

She wants me back, and she's sorry. We both want this, but I don't want the pain again and she did this to me TWICE. I love her, and she wants me back. In fact there's nothing else I want in this world more than to have her in my arms again.

 

The problem? I can't imagine ever coming to terms with the fact that she lived with him and had sex with him. Every aspect of the breakup, and every aspect of reality screams out not to take her back, while every fabric of my hurting heart screams out to take her back. The logical solution is not to take her back, but love is never logical.

 

I don't know, I know if I ask for advice everyone will say to break off contact again and I know thats the right choice. I guess the main purpose of my post is to beg for comfort. I'm ripped in half right now. ](*,)

[asha84]

I know what you are going thru, and my guy jus broke up with me yesterday. i could see it comin, he left me for someone else he was more comfortable with and would put "herself" before the relationship, which was not what i did, i put the relationship before anything else. oki my mistake and i am sorry, but hadnt it been that he cheated on me in the first place, i would be my old self, it was only after he cheated on the first time that i started becoming insecure and possessive of my relationshp.

 

but anyways, we were happy for 5 years and now again he has gone. and he knows at the back of his head that i really lve him and will take him back, because i did it the last time. and it will only continue if i decide to take him bak.

which no matter how much i luv him, my self respect is more precious to me, and anyone who doesnt respect me and can treat me like * * * *, doesnt deserve my love, not one least bit.

so if you take this person back, just be so sure and ready that, this pain and suffering youre goiing thru now, will come back again, only the next time mebbe 10fold...

 

so think twice... Once a cheater always a cheater...

[rightfromthestart]

i think u will find comfort once u really accept that something someone did is something you feel will always keep u from returning so think about how real that is for you and it will allow your heart to stop yearning and that's when the advice of your mind will have more of a 'say' over your thoughts and you will find peace and calm. this is just about knowing that you truly have no doubt about things and wish you did doubt - so, just accept what you know is true and that will stop being an issue for you.

hope that helped.

[Ipso Fracto Man]

A very wise and fairly handsome man named Sly T. LeBent once said, "If you plan on burying the past, better make damn sure it's good and dead."

 

I think he might have meant that we need to completely resolve issues like this before moving forward, or they may tend to resurface time and time again between us and our partners in future days. I'm guessing that he may have had some sort of first-hand experience on which to base his opinion.

 

Anyway, whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck.

[now_better]

no one ever said life or love was easy... i remember your posts where you said she would come to your work w/ her b/f to spite you. forgive, but don't forget.

[joyce1412]

i'm sorry you're feeling so torn right now.

 

my thoughts on this?

 

We both want this, but I don't want the pain again and she did this to me TWICE.

 

you know what they say...fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

 

are you ready to set yourself up for that?

 

here are some of the things i would ask myself if i were you:

 

1. if my friend were in this same position, what would i advise him to do?

2. am i prepared to possibly, even probably, go through this hurt again just to see if we can make it work again?

3. what has she shown me to indicate that she has changed?

4. can i accept the fact that however much more time i spend on her could have been spent finding and dating another great girl who has never hurt me?

5. can i give my whole heart to a girl who was willing to toss me aside for another?

6. does she want me back because she is feeling weak, because she was disappointed with the other guy, because her life isn't going so well right now? or does she want me back because she truly loves me?

7. at 18 years old, do i believe that this is a woman i can spend the rest of my life with? (because let's be honest, there's not much of a point in getting back with her if you don't want to be with her in the long run.)

 

it might sound like i'm leading you in a certain direction, and maybe i am. like now better said, don't forget what she has done, all the hurt she has put you through. that doesn't get erased just because she's decided she wants you again.

 

however, i hope you are happy with whatever decision you make.

[rightfromthestart]

Ending a relationship is never easy. When you feel you must end a relationship most people find it challenging as they have feelings towards their partner and do not wish to hurt them.

 

More often than not, breaking up is as hard on the person ending the relationship as it is on the person being broken up with. Realize that a person is breaking up has nothing to do with caring about another person. Caring about somebody and wanting a relationship are not the same.

 

The majority of people on this planet do not like to hurt others, especially somebody they have been close to. Guilt has been used more often than not to keep relationships together. Fight this urge and believe in yourself.! When you allow guilt as a way to stop a break up you not only cheat yourself out of having a good and true relationship, you'll foster resentment towards the other person which could lead to greater pain and heart ache in the future. Why would you want to be with somebody who makes you feel bad by allowing you to feel guilty? Respect yourself!!.

 

A man should exit gracefully by planning the break up, to minimize the grief caused to his partner

 

Don't just ignore her hoping she will notice and go away. You might have learned a little bit about push /pull as a term we use in seduction. That only tends to bring somebody in closer. Which is the exact opposite of what you want.

 

. The I think you're a great girl and I don't deserve you line will seem ok to her at first, but later on she will start to resent that. She could also go into how you DO deserve her and try to convince you.

 

Honesty really is the best policy. Treating the relationship, and the person, with respect and dignity helps soften the blow.

 

When you break up, Do it in person. Show some integrity and sincerity to tell her that the relationship isn't't going anywhere. In our workshops we teach how verbal communication is only 7% of the total communication between people. If she also sees closed off body language it will be easier for closure for her eventually.

 

Telling somebody you are breaking up in person is never easy, but you owe it to her to break the news to her personally. This means not on the phone, definitely not over e-mail, but rather, face to face where she can get eye contact and read your body language. The universal line of " we need to talk." should be given in advance. This allows her to prepare for what is coming and helps soften the blow a little bit. Do not put too much time between the "We need to talk" and actual breakup as the waiting time in between is very uncomfortable if delayed long.

 

On doing some research on this I read a suggestion about breaking up in the exact same place you met if possible. This is to suggest that the relationship has completed a circle. A place where she has a lot of happy memories might help neutralize some of the new sad ones.

 

Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our piece without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another's feelings. It is important to make eye contact,and give body language that is open while you are communicating (which suggests you are VERY open to what you are saying) than give closed off body language after finishing your piece. To suggest you are not open to hearing anything else. Say your words sincerely, leave no room for doubt, and never back down- especially when she starts to cry and you feel horrible.

 

Than give that person some space usually a few months at least. Do not try to get cozy with the person as this can really mess with somebody's head a lot as they will use this as hope that you are getting back together. This is the only way to keep pain to a minimum when ending a relationship.

The decision to end a relationship is usually made by one person rather than the couple together. But the decision affects everybody, and involves them in a long process of separation and divorce.

The personal and emotional process is separate from the legal process; even without complicated legal and financial issues to resolve, the upheaval for every member of the family in the personal process is profound. This affects children, grandparents and the wider family.

Most families experience a substantial drop in their standard of living after separation and divorce .

Children can be badly affected by the process of separation, and will at the very least be anxious about their relationships within the family and about the disruption in their own lives.

Before making the decision to end a relationship, it is important to appraise honestly whether things are so bad within a relationship that there is no alternative.

To help assess things clearly, there are three headings which might help.

• Is it possible to make changes within your relationship?

• What, if any, practical steps might be taken to improve things?

• Are there any clear advantages in separating or divorcing - and if so, what are those advantages?

MOVING ON

It may be time to move on from a relationship when:

• Unhappiness with the relationship persists for a significant amount of time.

• There is unresolved conflict.

• You are staying in the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.

• It seems as though trust cannot be rebuilt.

• You are considering pursuing a relationship with someone else.

 

Some individuals stay in a relationship because they are "afraid" to be alone -- even when there are no feelings of love for the other person. Using a relationship as a security blanket to protect you from loneliness isn't fair to the other person and doesn't give you an opportunity to grow, learn about yourself and find out what you need. If you're in that type of situation, ending the relationship might be best for you and your partner.

 

ENDING A RELATIONSHIP

Ending a relationship is a hard thing to do. There could be feelings of guilt, fear of emotionally hurting your partner, fear that your partner may take it the wrong way, or it could be that feeling of wondering if you did everything possible to save the relationship.

 

Although ending a relationship is easy for some, for others it can be a difficult thing. If you feel it is the best option for you, then you need to follow through no matter how difficult the process may be. In some instances you may find that your partner feels the same way, and in others your partner doesn't realize what's going on. Holding on to a relationship that is over will only make the relationship worse and become more of a strain on you and your partner's life. If ending a relationship were the best thing for you, then it would be the best thing for your partner.

 

Some tips:

• Be honest -- with yourself and your partner.

• Be respectful -- end it clearly and compassionately.

• Be clear. Don't expect your partner to know what is going on. Explain the situation and your feelings fully.

• Explain how you want the relationship to end (friendship, no contact, etc.).

 

WHEN THE LOVE BUG STRIKES AGAIN

Every relationship is a learning experience. If one does not work out, use what you have learned in the next relationship. It's also important to remember that every relationship is different—with various strengths and weaknesses. Avoiding comparisons between one relationship and your current situation will help you focus on the benefits you're experiencing today.

 

Relationships are a healthy part of life. Enjoy it when it is right for you and when it is not, don't worry. The best is next to come!

[Majoraslayer]

Well, I've put a lot of thought into this and I think we can make SOMETHING work, even though I realize that it will never be the same. As I look at the posts on here, and the relationships all around me, it seems clear that cheating is more than just a rare ocurrence. In fact, most breakups I've seen are caused by cheating, even if the victim doesn't realize it until after the relationship is over.

 

The logical solution is to not get back together, but also look at it this way. We were more than just lovers, but best friends since we were 15. The three most important years of being a teenager, those last three years of high school where people go through the most changes in maturity, were spent as best friends. She's been like a sister, in a non-taboo sense; even after the first time she did this we were still a tight team. Nothing will ever change what she did, and I don't go into this expecting things to be like they were before. We're both still young though, and I guess we're entitled to make stupid mistakes and to see whats out there. It may have been for the best in the long run anyway; both times she has done this I got the chance to date several other girls, to experience things with other people I would have otherwise been unable to experience, and to make myself a better person by actually stepping back and looking at things from a broader perspective.

 

I don't know how we'll work through this, but I think after the delusions of glamor wear off of getting her back I can find ways to look at it and move on. You guys will have to help me out though; I'll need advice from a few other forums here to work through our issues in a more positive way.

[bobo85]

umm how long has it been since you guys broke up?

[LONESOUL]

Hi Majora, it's a tough place to be. I am not in NC with my ex anymore either,

we talk from time to time now. But, unlike you and your ex, we no longer want to be together. I think you have been given allot of helpful advice here. Many questions to ask yourself. Just make sure you are taking care of you and don't want you feel is in your best interest regardless. Best wishes on whatever you deceide. Take good care,

Lone

[Ipso Fracto Man]

It isn't cheating in itself, but our reaction to it, that determines whether or not a relationship can survive. If you are truly able to forgive and forget, there is no rule that you cannot have a good future together. Most people, including myself, are just unable to bring ourselves to trust a partner again after we have been betrayed in such a way, and without trust there can be no romantic love.

[Scout]

Because she's done this twice in the past, I would navigate round three very carefully, should you decide to go there. I saw what you went through the last time, and it wasn't pretty, that's for sure.

 

If I were you, I'd see how serious she is about this. Tell her that you need some time for you two to just hang out as friends, to really build some trust here first, because a lot of damage has been done.

 

Absolutely stick to that for, say, a month. If she respects that, and at the end of the month is still on board to get back together, then perhaps she is serious.

 

But you need this month to determine a few things: a) is this an impulsive desire on her part, based on other events in her life that is making her run back to a source of stability? b) can she actually be a good friend to you? (the foundation of any healthy relationship, and c) to make sure it's what YOU want, after spending a month with her strictly as a friend.

 

That's my advice, but others may disagree and think it's not even worth it considering she has done this to you twice in the past. I definitely see their point, but I also know you still love this woman a great deal. So, I would suggest you try something a little different this time, rather than just plunge right back into a relationship with her. It may be the best chance you two have for a lasting reconcilation this time.

[pacopaco]

My ex said she wanted me back. this was in May. she was coming over, loving me, telling me that I was the exception to so many people in general, that I was an amazing person in every respect. She told me that meeting someone like me twice is not going to happen.

Then she backed out. confused,lost, and messed up. it hurt me again. did she lie? what was up with all the "sweet things" she said to me? she only cheated once (that i know of,) but once for me was enough. I don't trust her as far as i can throw her, and I'd looooove to throw her very far, to another continent,say. she still calls sometimes, leaves messages, but what the hell for? I can't trust her anymore. People have told me "she made a mistake," and "she still loves you," but until I hear something worth talking about, she is the same cheating, lying, selfish girl (not woman) I have come to see in true color.

[Scout]

pacopaco, sorry to hear that happened to you. But that's another reason why I suggest Majoraslayer give it a month strictly as friends to see if she's serious. If she isn't, she'll back out or do something flakey way before the month is out. I can almost guarantee it.

[hpsowce]

I took my ex back, she dumped me and left me for 2.5 months. She came back and said she made a mistake, that she missed me and realised she still loved me. After 1 month she has told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Yes it hurts but I'm glad we gave it a go, or I would have questioned whether I passed up a golden opportunity for happiness and now I know for certain, no doubts that this wasn't the relationship for me. You've decided to take her back, I hope things work out and if they don't, well just remember what you have already been through and how you managed to cope and know this place will still be here in the future should you need it! (but I honestly hope you won't)

[pacopaco]

it does suck. all this wishy-washy madness. it's her madness, and she could just be trying to drag you through her mud. that's how i was feeling everytime my ex wanted to talk or whatever. If you tried your best for the both of you, let it all go. I'm into a month of NC, and I don't think I want to look back. She even IM'ed me yesterday, saying "how are you?" she can go to hell. i answered "Im good, thanks," and logged off. why do people do this?

in all honesty, I want to hear from her, if at all, that her life is great and hurting me was exactly what she needed to do. why? because that's what she did, and it what makes sense to me.

[bobo85]

seriously though...it sounds like both of you are too young to be in this yo-yo relationship. If you two were meant to be together...you guys would find each other some where in the future. But the fact is that you still didn't heal fully from your past relationship with this girl. Also she broke up with you 2 times...what makes you think she won't do it again? Is love worth that risk..i say it is but DAMN...two times? How many times are you gonna let this girl break your heart. I suggest moving on from your ex-gf FULLY before even considering letting her back into your life.

[Majoraslayer]

Wow, you're a genius! This situation has bothered me all day, and your solution is PERFECT. Thank for this comforting advice. Whether I give her another chance or deny it to her, the best course of action in any decision is to make an informed decision. With either decision, I will always have my doubts if I don't explore things fully. Your solution will provide me with a "preview" that will tell me everything I want to know.

 

Thank you VERY much! This is the answer I've been looking for all day; a neutral answer to the question of whats right and wrong that will give me a safety net and allow me to better judge the best action to take before I take it.

[joyce1412]

to be honest, i think you already made your decision when you posted this thread. just be honest with yourself, you know that reconciliation is what you want and it sounds like you'll do just about anything to make it happen. i don't think that there's anything anyone could say to make you not pursue this.

 

just to put the idea out there...i think it's going to be very, very easy for you to go back into this relationship even if there are red flags, because you had/have a lot of feelings for her. once you allow her entry into your life via this "friend" role, i can't really see what would persuade you to not want to resume a romantic relationship.

 

i just hope you are vigilant, and don't accept scraps from her when you could be having something whole from another girl.

[Scout]

Thanks, Majora...glad I could be of some help.

[kittenmoomoo]

Hey Majora, I'm in the exact same boat as you. Such a tricky situation, but I really like Scouts advice! (Thanks Scout). Let us know how things go. Good luck.

[Majoraslayer]

Well, we went out and things went great. I'm having serious emotional issues out of it, and deep down I still think she's just with me to use me for what I can do for her. Still I love her, and it seems I can only be happy when she's mine. Maybe she's changed; I doubt it, and I'm sure she'll hurt me again, but I can't resist the opportunity to give it one more try.

 

Now I'm having serious issues with the fact that they had sex and lived together. Somehow it kills me inside to know I can't offer her as much as he did, and the fact that they shared what before only I had shared with her makes me incapable of doing it again. The thought of having sex with her now, knowing that she probably enjoyed it more with him, just......destroys everything I had ever believed about sex. I feel emotionally raped; I'm now afraid of sex altogether.

[whoops]

rightfromthestart is such great advice - it has really helped me great post thanks - it is true we stayed together through guilt we both tried to dump each other and couldnt he wouldnt let me and i said okay but then he retracted - so manipulative anyway now its done we dont want to get back together so that is good

[Majoraslayer]

.....did I miss something?