Just a rebound relationship

[olena]

Hi all,

 

I have been going out with my partner for 6 years. We met just a year after his previous girfriend dumped him for an older well off man and he was in pieces. He had missed a year at uni and was far behind schedule.

 

I supported him in finishing his first degree and then getting a masters and then finding a descent job.

During our relationships he has been very caring and loving, however sex has been issue from the beginning as he was never in the mood for it. This part of the relationship has been poor, and he has been explaining to me that I am not the problem as if I was the problem he would have found someone ealse and not stay with me for 6 years.

 

At the moment he wants a break. He says that he is generally not happy with his life and with the progress that he's made. His friends have all moved back home and his life is from work to home and back. He is lonely and as he has recently turned 30 he feels that he has missed out on a lot of things in his life whilst trying to catch up with his studies and work.

He has explained to me that he loves me and that he would like to be able to come back to me under different circumstances. He says that as he feel miserable every morning that he wakes up he feels that he is dragging me along and that he needs to be alone. He wants to put his life back together, feel happy whilst on his own and then if we both feel like it to bring me back in. He said to me that he would like to marry me one day...

 

I feel very down as throughout the relationship it has been a priority for me to make him happy. But now that he actually decided to do something about it himself, I just dont fit in..He swears that he loves me and does not want to lose me and that whilst he is taking his break he would like us to be in touch. I am torn in pieces as I feel totally unimportant not to fit into 'his happy life'. He wants to find the person that he used to be before his ex dumped him as he feels that at the moment he is a different person. And he feels that this is the reason for which our relationship is poor in terms of intimacy....

 

He has asked me to 'leave him alone' but to continue to love him....I am very hurt as I feel that for him I was just a rebound relationship whilst for me I love him and cared for him like the man that I would like to get married to one day -when he reaches happiness...(I have never told him that or ever mentioned marriage).

I am very confused and heart broken...I feel deeply disappointed and hurt as in spite of the problems I remained loving and loyal to him all these years...

 

We still live together and unfortunately at the moment all we do is arguing...and on every opportunity that he gets he tells me that he loves me...I asked him to clarify if he loves me just as a person or just like a gilfriend and he said that he loves me in both ways but there are some things that he can not do -as expected in a relationship - because of his 'issues'...

I know nothing was done or said with the purpose of hurting me. But I feel very hurt and used as I was only good enough until he finally got the courage to do something for him self and go back to normality....

 

I am looking to buy a car and find a new flat to move out...I need to gather my courage and give him yet one more time what he wants -space. But what about me? I am starting a new job this coming Monday and I simply feel awful...nothing can impress me anymore, as I would no longer be surprised if it disappoints me in the end...

 

I mean, what are the chances of him thinking me when he eventually finds him self and feels happy?

 

I would like to hear your thoughts as I really could use all of the support that I can get nowdays...

 

Olena

[dogheadma]

He has asked me to 'leave him alone' but to continue to love him

 

If he wants you to leave him alone then whether or not you will continue to love him is a risk that he's going to have to take.

 

 

I love him and cared for him like the man that I would like to get married to one day -when he reaches happiness...(I have never told him that or ever mentioned marriage).

 

 

If I were in your shoes, I would definitely want to mention this to him, no matter what may happen.

[shikashika]

break is just another word for a breakup... iits just that they don't have the balls to say i want to break up with you..

my opinion...

 

i have never seen anyone go on a break... get back together and be a sparkly bowl of cherries!?!?!?! yeh right!!

[olena]

Hi dogheadma,

 

Thanks for the reply...I have it in mind that I should tell him how I feel about him before I leave...probably when I am leaving I will tell him that I loved him so much that I wanted to marry him and share my dreams with him...

 

I am surprised that he brought up marriage as throughout our relationship we never discussed it. I never implied directly or indirectly that I wanted to get married as as a matter of fact I don't want to right now...And suddenly one day when he decides that he wants a break he tells me that he would like to be able to marry me one day...I asked him what role he would like me to have in his life and he said that for the time being (whilst alone) a friend but hopefully in the long run as his wife...

I feel as if he is letting me down easy...That he just says all these things to drag me along -even when he is alone in case things don't work out - nevertheless without having any responsibility towards me...But I find that very mean and selfish, although I can not perceive that someon would intentionally want to sound like that...

 

I feel very unloved and unworthy at the moment...it's probably the lowest days of my life and I am trying really really hard to get my act together and move out...But I love him and I have always wanted him to be happy, so it really hurts that he is not and that he is treating me as the obstacle in his route to happiness...

 

It really hurts...

O

[dogheadma]

The way he's handling the situation is very immature and disrespectful to you and your relationship. He's the one saying he wants to breakup; he can't have it both ways. It's not fair to you and you should not be expected to put up with that behavior. It looks like you will have to be the adult here and tell him that you are ready to move on.

[moonbeam111]

Hi Olena. Sorry you are hurting. The best thing for you to do is to move on with your live regardless of the outcome.

Do not give him the power over you and your choices. You don't have to live from day to day wondering if he comes back to you. Expand your social circle and start new hobbies and activities. Go to the gym, learn a new language, and fill your schedule with exciting events to look forward to.

Take care of yourself.

[CrossCheck75]

Olena. Obviously you love this man enough to want him back, or else you wouldn't have posted here. It is far too easy for people here to read a few brief details and offer up some knee-jerk prescription for an instant cure-- usually, "get over him and move on."

 

You may have no choice but to move on without him, provided that his desire to be without you is genuine and permanent. But we cannot yet declare that with any profound certainty. Your best course of action is really the only feasible one-- to get on with your life and allow the ball to be in his court. Do not close yourself off to finding other prospective mates, and simply wait and see what develops on his end.

 

Sometimes people DO need a legitimate break, if for no other reason than to just see things more clearly, more objectively, and (as in his case) to "find" themselves. It shouldn't necessarily reflect negatively on the individual he is taking a break from; don't feel so slighted. People need to be happy and secure in their own lives and affairs before they can be happy in a union with a partner.

 

So, let him sort out his business and get his head straight. If your desires are mutual, then he WILL make it known to you when the time is right for him. Meanwhile, don't sell yourself short by closing yourself off to others. Yes, "get over him and move on," but keep your fingers crossed and don't lose hope that he'll come around eventually if this is truly someone you envision yourself with for life. Six years is a long time to spend with someone...

 

To the poster charging that breaks are just breakups sans the testicular fortitude, I would say that I can't entirely concur. Good things can come from a time-out, no-contact policy. If there are any doubts about the stability or quality of a relationship, a few weeks or months away will surely confirm something one way or another. One may find that they really miss their lover like hell, or conversely realize that they are surprisingly happy being single again and kick themselves for staying aboard a sinking ship for as long as they did.

 

In closing, take to heart the old adage: If you love something, set it free. If it loves you, it will come back to you.

[dogheadma]

It seems as though he's making you feel as though you are the obstacle to his happiness. Six years is a long time and it should be time enough for him to know if he wants to breakup or just a break. You deserve clearly defined answers not just some vauge straw of hope to hold onto. You deserve much better than that. If he's saying he just needs a break for awhile to be by himself and get his life sorted out and then get back together with you that is one thing but you deserve to know one way or the other. If he wants to go then you need to know that for sure so that you can move on for yourself. Tell him you need that. You definitely deserve nothing less.

[olena]

Dear all,

 

thank you for your responses. CrossCheck75 you are right in saying that often people tell you to just 'get on with your life'. I have had a couple of my friends telling me to do so, but what these people don't understand is that after a 6 year relationship, you don't just get on with your life - you just walk away from it.

 

My partner says that he does not want a permenant break. He tells me that I am his heart and that he would like to be able to get back to me when he feels happier. He says that he feels so low in him self, that it's inevidable to affect us and he can not feel responsible for me missing out on things that I should be doing at 27. He says that if he can not make me happy today by giving me the devotion that I need, he feels that he needs to let go off me...He says that the last thing that he would want after our relationship would be another relationship. It's all about him and according to him it's now or never that he will have to sort out the mess...

 

A few weeks ago we had an argument over a misunderstanding and I just walked off. He run after me - which is quite out of character for him to run after a woman- and held me. He told me that he could never forgive him self if he lost someone like me over a misunderstanding as he had 'different plans for us'. He said that 'yes there are one or two problems but I do love you'...

 

He has said to me on many occasions that the only reason that should stop two people from getting back together is if one of them cheats. He said that he is proud that he has not even felt the need to go there and that he is confident that I have been faithful to him in spite of the problems, and thereforeeee he has no reason not to ever want to be with me...

 

Every evening when he gets back home he is very down...He keeps questioning his life' choices, and trying to find solutions...He says that at the moment I can not fit in as I am not part of the problem.He says that I am not responsible for him being unhappy today, but that I may become the reason for which he will not be happy in the future if I don't give him the chance to sort him self out through being alone...

 

I would personally find it very cruel if he was just lieing about everything...I just find it inconceivable that someone would lie to me, about loving me and hoping to one day to be in a position to make me happy, so that they walk away easily...I mean...why would they? Personally, if I didn't want to be with someone I would be very direct about it...better to hurt someone once by saying it than by 'killing them softly'...

 

I love my partner...and as much as it hurts deep in my heart I can not deprive him of what he now needs. As for me, well I suppose I will have to find my self...another relationships is definitely not what I would want rigiht now...I can not think of anything worse than having next to me a different man to the one in my heart -that's a compromise and in a way breaks or break ups are not anything about compromises....

I will always hope that he comes back as it has been very important to me from day one to see this man smiling at me...

I keep telling my self what CrossCheck75 mentioned -that I have to set him free and see if he comes back...

 

Olena