need some friendship advice

[nefriended]

hi,

 

i'm brand new to this site... found it on the web searching for advice/similar thoughts on my problem. my question is just about friendship... not about a relationship that might turn into something more. i seem to have this recurring theme in some of my closest friendships that i invest too much in the other person. my fear is that it's almost to the point of obsession. i tend to see in the other person qualities that i want to have, and basically put that person on a pedestal. in a past relationship of this nature, i had my heart broken when the other person broke off the friendship. many details to this, which i won't even start to describe. i'm writing now because i see a similar pattern happening in a new friendship. someone who i admire a great deal, and we've become good friends. my fears boil down to these: 1) being annoying by contacting her too much, and 2) i tend to be very generous... giving little things which seem insignificant. and i think this has something to do with being afraid to voice my feelings, so instead i give gifts.

 

there are many types of love (classically i think 4 are thought to represent the main types of love), and one way i've "justified" this character flaw is that my sense of friendship-love is just overly strong. like, for some reason i value friends much more than having a boyfriend. (i'm single and would love to fall in love... just hasn't happened yet.)

 

i'm just so afraid that i'll mess this friendship up by being annoying, or being "too much." and it's not like i'm stalking or anything... it's just that, i always have this war in my head when i think about calling or whatever. like... asking myself if it's okay, or whether i'm going overboard. and having to think like this is what worries me...... why can't i just see what is normal and what is obsessive??

 

and just fyi, i actually have a great friend right now who i'm not "obsessed" with... we're like best friends. and i don't really know why things worked out with her just fine... except that i don't really put her on a pedestal.

 

anyway... if you have any thoughts, i'd appreciate them. thanks for reading.

[LostInMyThoughts]

One thing you can do is to try and get hobbies that are easily enjoyed by yourself.

 

If you keep yourself busy with stuff, it can help keep your mind from dwelling on contacting friends.

 

If you feel like you are calling someone too much, check it out with them. Ask them directly, "Hey I sometimes feel like I'm bothering you when I call you. Is that how you feel?"

 

Get more friends. The more friends you have, the easier it is to distribute the calls.

[itsallgrand]

I wonder why you put only some of your friends on a pedestal.

 

Are there any common traits that you tend to admire in these people? How do you feel when you are around them?

 

It's dangerous when we start to think of other people as better than ourselves - and that is basically what you are doing.

If you can figure out what it is about them that has you so intimidated, you can eliminate it.

[imsoinlovewithher]

hey

 

i know my name might put you off a bit lol but I feel all the things you described, putting people on a pedastal and wondering whether to call, giving gifts cos I can't say what I feel. I worry about messing friendships up by being too clingy or "too much" as you put it.

 

OK, so my situation is different in that the girl Im currently going through this with I have romantic feelings for. But I get the feelings you described too, and I am still trying to work out whether I am truly physically attracted to her or if it's just a really strong friendship kinda love.

 

Anyway, this probably hasn't helped at all, I just read it and thought I had to reply cos it's so what I feel like too.

 

I can't see what is normal and what is obsessive either.

It's annoying isn't it?

I have no idea how to solve your problem sorry! I'm looking for answers too!

[rightfromthestart]

"I wonder why you put only some of your friends on a pedestal."

 

i have seen this pedestal concept alot in here. and i find it quite puzzling. what happens in someones mind that makes them make the association between admiring the qualities they see in someone else to having that be a judgement on theri own self-worth. how does a positive become a negative? how does doing something for another become in that person's mind a sign that they don't measure up. for example: when u start to learn how to play guitar, you don't go to someone that can't play the guitar, you go to someone that knows how to play, and you learn from them and in that process become your own unique artist and then share that back with them. it is a giving situation. it boils down to an inability to actually see your own worth, and see it as shown thru the eyes of another. it boils down to viewing the world with a chip on your shoulder, that everyone looks down on you and that gifts from the heart are might to belittle you. i truly don't understand how someone allows their mind to think that way, or have a past influence their present time after time. see, what happens is they feel that they can only better themselves thru themselves, and until they form the ability to allow others in, they never will. and because they are making a judgement based on fauly reasoning, they will view everything that way. my advice for people that do this, is to try this - for one whole month - allow someone that you know loves you and lean on them regarding issues you run from, and slowly you will see that they are not poisoning you, they are showing you the respect you deserve and should have about yourself. anyhooooooooo, rambling now.

 

lol

 

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