Bored... And confused!!

[thefutile87]

My boyfriend and I are at a stalemate. I'm not sure what to do. I could use some help.

 

I work full time, and am a full time student as well. With 15 hours of school a week and 40+ hours of work, I find little time for much else.

 

I'm 18 years old, and he's 22. We've been together 8 months, and have been living together for 3. When I have long days at work, am stressed out and need to unwind, I want to have some fun. I'd like to drink and/or go to a club. He, however, has a different definition of relaxation. He'd rather lay in bed on his computer.

 

It seems like he never wants to do anything I want to do. He says "You always want to go out" and I say "You always want to sit on your * * *". He's doing this health-conscious thing right now, so he wants to drink even less than he always has.

 

I know he may already be past this stage of his life, but I still want to run around and have some fun. Every night that we have off together he wants to stay at home and spend "quality time" together. This time usually consists of me sitting and watching him play PS2, vice-versa, or us sitting at opposite ends of the couch on our laptops. I love spending time with him (If I didn't, I wouldn't be with him) but I get bored very easily.

 

Any time I go out by myself, there's always a resulting argument sometime thereafter, if not immediately after. I can't enjoy myself at all knowing I have to come home to that. He'll say things like "You never want to spend time with me".

 

Tonight I even asked if we could go to a club. "What do you think is gonna happen?" he said. "Well, we could go out, hang out, dance..." I replied. "We're gonna go, have a mediocre time, spend $30-$50, and come home." was his response.

 

Now I sit in the living room typing this post. He sits in the bedroom on his computer. I'm really frustrated with this. I'd love to be out having fun. I guess I just don't consider this fun, and he does.

 

What should I do?

 

Thanks.

[007]

It has similarities 2 me and my ex...

 

Thing is, I wouldn't give her any BS about going out and having a good time. To me, it sounds as if your man is the jealous type. But he should realize what he's got, and bend some with you...

 

Otherwise, he can just become another cat on here talking about "I miss my girl..." or "I love her, and want her back," etc.

 

You are doing ALOT with your life right now, and the both of you have to come to an agreement, make plans, keep that ever so important spark going, too.

 

This is why relationships die out...because people are content to let them. You 2 have to keep that spark alive.

 

Having said all that, me and my ex wouldn't ever be in separate areas, etc. like you 2 are. It seems like you 2 are already drifting, and have been for some time now.

 

Am I wrong?

[eremy]

Nah, I wouldn't say they are "drifting" just cause they are in separate rooms. They live together for cryin out loud! lol. But they could be drifting for other reasons, such as not having much in common?

 

You've gotta look at a couple things here. Sure you love him, he's probably great. Exactly how compatible are you two? There's gotta be /something/ ya'll like doing together. If there's aboslutely nothing, Im not sure why exactly you enjoy spending time with eachother. The other thing that needs to happen is some compramise. Sounds to me like this guy is hooked on compics, and needs to get off of it before it's too late. Make it a plan to go OUT at least once a week, whether it be to eat, a cafe, a club, whatever, something not in the house...if he cares about maintaining this relationship with you at all, I don't think once week is too much to ask. But something's gotta give, or 007 is right on the money, and things have already been drifting for some time now, *nods* I hope things get better, keep us updated!

[thefutile87]

We have been having some problems recently, and we actually separated for the length of an entire day. We finally sat down, wrote down each thing that we wanted the other to do to compromise, signed to it, and we've been back on track.

 

Make it a plan to go OUT at least once a week, whether it be to eat, a cafe, a club, whatever, something not in the house...if he cares about maintaining this relationship with you at all, I don't think once week is too much to ask.

 

I fear I've mislead a little in this regard. We do go out to eat often, and that works out fine, we even had dinner tonight. But we go out and eat, then come back. And I do enjoy having dinner with him, but when it comes down to it, eating is a necessity to survival. And that's all we'll do. Go get something to eat because we'll die if we don't, then come back.

 

We just had a little talk about it, he told me that we all perceive different things as fun, and that we can control what we perceive as fun. He said he just "realizes" that going out isn't fun, nor is drinking, and I just haven't figured that out yet, I guess. I asked him why I had to change what my perception of fun was, and he stormed out of the room.

 

Sigh.

[itsallgrand]

What is his work/school schedule? Does he work a lot and go to school like you?

[thefutile87]

He goes to school, not as frequently as I, as his classes alternate every other week, but he also teaches on the side. He teaches a few classes for a local tech college. He also has invested in a karate class, that he goes to a couple of nights a week.

 

We both have pretty hectic schedules. One thing he mentioned was "The first second that we have off together, you want to go out," and my reply was - you guessed it - "The first second, you want to sit around." That's when I got the "Fun is what we perceive it to be" speech.

[itsallgrand]

Ok, gotcha. So it's simply that you like going out and blowing off some steam to relax, and he finds it easier to relax on a down-note at home.

 

Comprimise. Work it out. You deserve time out with the girls - and need that sometimes.

He deserves time to lounge and play games - and he needs that.

And you both need time together.

 

I wouldn't consider any of those disposable: they are all important. So yall need to work out a time frame to fit it all in.

Even consider cutting a few hours off work a week, or school, or some other activity in your days - by 'your' I mean both of your schedules.

 

Depends how important the time alone, to decompress, and time together is to the both of you. You CAN work this out though, fer sure! It's just tweaking.

 

With such crazy schedules, y'all might as well be married with kids! (just kidding, just kidding, but that's typically where we'd hear this from usually).

 

good luck. Why not decide right now to fit in a night away with the girls? I get how you are anxious to go out and have some fun - you work hard, you wanna play hard. Go for it!

[tangovito]

well, to a large extent what men and women perceive as fun is different. To a large extent they compromise as well. Since you both have hectic schedule the channel for compromise becomes very much narrowed down and you both feel the acuteness of it all. For analogy, if you both have low budgets, thats fine to chug along without cribbing. When you have some liabilities, then you start your rantings....to some extent what you both can do is this, you go out and let him do whatever he wants to, then you both can share your experiences. The deal for you is that you tell him what he is interested in most - the "quality " part of your clubbing etc...and just give patient hearing to his quality part...one the crunch phase moves on, your schedule will be light and get back on track....

[KronicMan]

shoudlnt have moved in so fast

[thefutile87]

well, to a large extent what men and women perceive as fun is different.

 

I never even realized that in my original post I never even told everyone that we're both male. We're in a gay relationship.

 

good luck. Why not decide right now to fit in a night away with the girls? I get how you are anxious to go out and have some fun - you work hard, you wanna play hard. Go for it!

 

We've had difficulties with this at the beginning of the relationship, and it still affects things now. He feels "left out" if there's anything that I want to do without him. He actually told me at one point "I do want you to have time alone with your friends, but I just don't want to be excluded." This has always been a problem.

 

I've even given up my best friend for him, since she didn't like him and he said he couldn't be with someone who was best friends with someone that hated him. It'd be okay if he was content sitting at home by himself staring into his basketball game, but he wants me to be here with him, and wants me to want to be here with him.

[pianoguy]

This is a bad situation. It's okay if your boyfriend is introverted (like me) and would prefer staying in to going out, but he is being manipulative and controlling. Not only does he not go out with you, but he guilts you when you do go out. This is not a two-way relationship, and it seems like he is unwilling to compromise at all.

 

If it was me, I would rethink the wisdom of this whole relationship. You're entitled to have fun in your relationship- for heaven sakes you're only 18 and he's only 22. This guy seems to be sucking the life out of you.

 

It also seems likely to me that your boyfriend is depressed. Is this a possibility? If this is the case he may need to see a doctor for therapy and possible medication.

[thefutile87]

You seem to echo what my friends have told me... Actually, some of it was word for word...

 

...he is being manipulative and controlling...

 

...You're entitled to have fun in your relationship...

 

...seems to be sucking the life out of you...

 

It really makes me think. Sure, you're only getting my side of the story, but I think I've been fair enough to both our sides that you have enough information to make a judgment. Have I left anything out? Anything else you might need to know about his side of things?

 

It also seems likely to me that your boyfriend is depressed. Is this a possibility?

 

Perhaps... Although I've never seen any signs of this (not that I'm all too familiar with what they might be).

 

Thanks again.