having a very hard time right now!

[ElegantOverkill]

I will get right to the point. me and my ex have been broke up for almost 4 months now and i am still having a hard time with it. i have tried NC and everything else and it is still killing me! deep down i want her back in my life, but i know in my heart that she will never give it another shot.

 

Our relationship was not a bad one. We got along well, there was no cheating, and we could talk about anything with each other. The reason we broke up is that we were just "two different people" and she was starting a career and could not keep a relationship going. she told me the night we broke up that she was not looking to get into another one anytime soon and that "if i cant have you i dont want anyone else" and she was the one who broke up with me. lol i dont get it because she has since told me we would never get back together.

 

I just dont get how some people can just up and leave your life like that. i am willing to work it out and try to make something of it but she wants no part in it. I was a great person to her and it sucks when you give your heart to someone and it seems as if it only takes about a week for them to get over you. i just cant seem to let her go and would do anything to make it work.

 

any thoughts would be appreciated and thank you in advance.

[HappyKat]

I'm so sorry you're in this kind of pain--knowing you've lost the love of your life--at least, that's what it feels like.

 

Coming from the "dumpER" in my case...it hurts on this end, too. I walked away from a 4yr relationship a couple of weeks ago. Why? Because it finally hit me: we couldn't achieve balance even after breaking up & attempting reconciliation (over the past year)...we're both too stubborn to change, and thereforeeee *cannot* meet each other's needs. But it sucks, because we love each other very much, and got along in so many other ways.

 

Staying together was great in the sense of 'here and now' but there could be no future, or at least I couldn't see it under our circumstances. I felt like I had no choice but to walk away, like staying would only put off the inevitable...does that make any sense? We were crumbling, and I've been through that before, and wanted to break before we ended up hating each other.

 

It hurts like He11. He wants to be friends; I just want to heal and can't be "just" friends with him right now. I'm not seeing anyone else, either, so that's not my reason...

 

Sometimes we can't explain because words escape us.

 

Again, sorry you're hurting. Take care.

[ElegantOverkill]

thanks for the response kat. its good to hear from the dumpers side of things. i do believe that in the long run its best for us to be apart because you cant have a one sided relationship and make it work. it sucks because i am just plain lonely at this time. i cant be too down on myself about it because i know in my heart that i did the best that i could with what i had. yes it will take time and yes i will learn to love and trust again.

 

i want to thank everyone for all of your support. and i want to wish everyone the best and to stay strong!

[doyathink]

Heartache is the worst kind of pain. I'm sorry your going through it. Give it some time, it's all you can do and it will help..a lot.

[DBL]

Our relationship was not a bad one. We got along well, there was no cheating, and we could talk about anything with each other. The reason we broke up is that we were just "two different people" and she was starting a career and could not keep a relationship going. she told me the night we broke up that she was not looking to get into another one anytime soon and that "if i cant have you i dont want anyone else" and she was the one who broke up with me. lol i dont get it because she has since told me we would never get back together.

 

I hate to be the one to break this to you...actually I don't hate it at all...

 

She probably likes someone else or is involved with someone else. That line "she told me the night we broke up that she was not looking to get into another one anytime soon", everyone uses that. Then weeks later you find out they are with someone else. Usually a co-worker or someone she may see on a regular basis.

 

Good Luck

DBL

[Double J]

Although DBL's point is somewhat blunt, I have to agree with him. The truth, in my opinion, is that if someone breaks up with you when least expected, the person ending the relationship is probably not as committed as the person getting dumped. I'm not saying that other factors can't ever be at play (stress, professional life, etc.), but think about it. If a person really loves and cares for you, they shouldn't see you as a burden or distraction, but instead, as someone that brightens their day more. I'm sorry for what happened to you, and I can certainly sympathize with you because I was once dumped too a while back. Although she gave me a million excuses like your ex is probably doing, it was obvious that she did it because she just wasn't "feeling it" for me. It just so happens that after we broke up, she was in a string of other relationships.

 

You prove this point even further in saying that she "forgot about you in a week." If she really loved you, you can bet your bottom dollar that it would take A LOT longer to forget about you. That's just reality.

[kiki]

i really like double Js post above, i guess its easy to forget how pointless it is to love someone who doesn't love you back..or to miss the signs that signify that things are not going well.. it hurts.. and you will have good days and bad days but hang in there *hugs*

[moonflowers]

You have my sympathies. Hang in there during this difficult time - keep NC, be strong, and know that you will make it. *hugs*

 

The best thing you can do for yourself now is to really let go of that final little wisp of hope that she will come back someday. If you let go, it will help you go through each day without quite as many, or as painful, tugs of "I'll do anything to get her back," which only leave you filled with regret and strung up.

 

As a second benefit - if she's really moved on, and is with someone else now, and you find out eventually, it will hurt a lot less if you have given up hope already. I kept myself deluded for months with false hope that my ex would come back... right up to the day I found out he was seeing someone else. When it finally hit me, I fell from a higher height than I would've if I had accepted he'd already moved on and let go earlier. That crash felt just about as bad as getting dumped all over again. It's painful to consider this possibility, but don't rule it out now.

 

Wishing you the best in ex recovery.

[shaweb]

I hope this advice is helpful

 

I never have any girlfriend, but i did express my feeling to few ladies before, and didn't work well.

 

What happen after that? I certainly don't hate them, nor I want to insult them.....

 

I acquire new skills, such as picking up new language, social dance to make myself busy, and make new friends, so the sad feeling goes away.

 

I guess the sweet revenge would be make yourself a better person, so that when, your ex meet up with you (it is a small world afterall), he /she would be very regret they break up with you. Forgive them, nice with them and mvoe on your life without them, as you deserve better.

[DBL]

I am blunt, but that is because I think taking the big blow in a single moment is better then giving false hopes. When I was in highschool I suspected my girlfriend of cheating on me. Everyone just lied to me about. One day right after a girls said my girlfriend and this guy are just "friends", another guy came up pulled me aside and said "my girlfriend seen your girlfriend kissing so and so". That made it so much easier to deal with, then how it dragged on in uncertainty.

 

shaweb,

 

How can you be 31 and never have had a girlfriend? Why is it that? Maybe we need a special section to get you guys on track or something.

 

DBL

[HappyKat]

It is often assumed that the 'dumper' is seeing (or eyeing) someone outside the relationship. IMO, that's just a way for the 'dumpee' to feel better about him/herself by placing blame on the former partner...rather than accept the notion that: they, themselves, also had some part in the disintegration of the relationship. It takes two to break up, just as it takes two to make things work out.

 

I cannot speak for every dumper, only myself--but please hear this out--as years go by, we learn more about ourselves and our needs...it's an ongoing process...eventually we must look at factors *other than* sex.

 

Without going into a bunch of detail, let me just say that my ex was (I thought) *the one* for me. He didn't feel the same way about me, but lacked the courage to inform me...and when I figured it out, confronted him, we discussed it. The emotional bond that *I* needed, simply wasn't there. The sex was great, btw, and I'll surely miss him for that--but great sex is not a good enough reason to stay with someone who doesn't want the 'whole package', or is it? (???)

 

Life has got to get better...