problems with trust

[markfromark]

after my wife left me earlier this year for another man I realized now how bad my trust issues are. I have been dating a woman for about a month now and I keep on catching myself thinking 'oh, well, why bother, she is leaving me as well sooner or later'. This woman is giving me no real reasons to think this way but I evaluate every tiny gesture/comment/behavior and immediately think that she will leave me any moment. It's gotten to a point where I think that I should be leaving her with another woman just to preempt her. Thinking about this rationally I feel that this is some kind of insanity on my part and I don't know how I can overcome this. Any thoughts?

[NJRon]

That's typically why it is better to take a break to deal with your own baggage. I find that if you bring the baggage with you... it's not judging the person fairly in their own right.

[Dako]

Mark,

 

I really understand the feeling. It's not a rational way to react, but in my case I didn't trust anyone I knew. As Ron said, you need time to re-learn to trust people, and to accept your fears as a remnant of the past.

I hope your lady is patient.

[brando]

Mark,

 

You need to learn to trust yourself. I see your thoughts taking over your actions. Just try to relax with this new woman. As you said you have no reason to believe she is going to leave you.

 

Go slow. Be gentle with yourself, and your lady.

 

I think it is normal to feel this way at first. But if you really find no evidence of her leaving you, then there is nothing here to worry about.

 

Dako, and NJROn offer solid advice as well.

 

be well,

brando

[cryingeyez]

look. i know from experience that you cant take things from your past relationships and put them into the present ones. i know that is hard to do. My husband and I seem to do that sometimes, it is really hard not too. you really must try not too though, because ut can really interfere with your present relationship[

[Relax]

markfromark I really feel you, I understand how hard it will be for you to trust women. When you trust somebody and then they end up hurting you it just make sense to rationalize that every woman is like that.

 

 

You know the problem here is how you focus on your feelings, you make a simple unconscious logic argument that "since ex wife left me ( hurt) then any woman will do the same some day , so I should left her first (so that I won't feel hurt).

 

One of the best way to get out of this is to associate yourself with a new woman. Association means imagining the inscident happening while involved it you will feel like it's happening not like in a movie where you are just an observer.

 

Find a quiet place where you won't be interrupted. remember the time when your new lady promise you something ( it could be anything). While associating ( hearing her, seeing her, feeling her as in touch) yourself in that inscidence say to yourself I trust you, I trust you. Imagine the other inscident and say those words.

 

This will help to build trust pattern in your maind to a new woman.

 

P.S To learn more about how our mind works check my post at

[deadflagblues]

I have a huge problem also with the whole trust issue thing. From when I was 8 years old I haven't really been able to trust anyone. Recently it's been getting a little bit better.

 

It helps to think of a possible reason why you can't trust someone. Is it because you don't want to or is because they are giving you a reason not to trust them.

 

You just need to tell yourself over and over again it's okay to trust people not everyone is going to hurt you.

[annie24]

hey mark - I think it would be a good idea if you talked to a professional about this, like a counselor or therapist. I think they might help you get some of your feelings from your divorce straightened out so you don't carry them over and contaminate your new relationship!

 

like you said, she has shown no indication that she is going to leave you, so why start anticipating the worst? there is plenty of time to worry about that later.

[Shadows Light]

Mark.... I am so there with you bud. As previously stated and most divorce recovery books will tell you, its probably a good idea after the break-up of a long term relationship to take a TIME-OUT... and sort through your baggage. Sooooo you missed that chapter in the book eh???

Its ok. Your lady friend has given you "NO" reason to doubt her. If you had written that you've caught her in a few lies already... I'd say.. there is your "AHAAA Moment"....but that is not the case.

 

Look for a Divorce Recovery Workshop in your area. Sometimes they are church sponsered. Sounds hokey...but it works. And go back through the seminar as many times as need be. I've gone through the seminar once..... lol... and I am going back again. Just to make sure I got it.

 

Or.... look for Divorce recovery books through Amazon.

 

or look toward counseling to sort out these feelings.

[TheFallenShadow]

Even if you did catch your lady friend in a few lies, maybe there is reasons why beyond her own or your own control, so i would not be so quick to judge, as there are those that are. Circumstance and mis communication will lead to more speculation then there should be. If you love her, then atleast give her that chance....we all have baggage to deal with, nothing that cant be over come with understanding and patience. again something that few that post here have. As well as maybe its the insecurities that dictate what one does, because they are afraid of there own shortcomings, and its easier to blame the other person. And once you are involved...well there is all kinda gray areas that the two people may not see eye to eye on, but then again, nothing that can't be over come...IF the two want it....but if you truly love her, then you will see past things and work through whatever issues you may have....again IF two people want it.....and if you have a fight, dont ignore the other, the silence only makes things worse...and be true to each other with your feelings towards one another. its a terrible place to be to not know where you stand with someone that you have given your love to...

[joyce1412]

i second annie's idea about seeing a therapist. therapy has helped me talk myself out of some of my deepest neuroses...or at least it's starting to help.

 

look to your friends who have happy marriages. they inspire me to believe in relationships and marriage. for me, the relationship that has best exemplified love, acceptance, and loyalty is my own parents'.