How to keep focused when you stop caring?

[Cassie]

Hi guys,

 

I'm going through a devastating breakup right now. How do I stay focused right now when I'm so depressed and sad? I'm taking things really hard and feel really listless. I just started university again and I'm scared my lack of concentration and motivation will hurt my studies. Any suggestions?

 

- Heartbroken

[melrich]

You should try and compartmentalise your feelings about the break up. You can't just bury them, you have to find time for them but try and be disciplined about it.

 

Trouble is, wallowing in grief can be very enticing. You have to make sure you set aside time during the day to crack on with the rest of your life.

 

I know it's very easy said and hard done but the alternative is a wasted year or two.

[Cassie]

Thank you for the comforting replies. I feel a bit better right now just opening up on a forum a bit. At least I hope it will help me sleep a little tonight.

 

Britnus, your situation is brutual. It gives me lots of encouragement to know people are going through and surviving so much pain. I'm so, so sorry he let you go. I'm going through a divorce right now as well. *sending you a huge warm hug* I'll take your advice to heart and will try to focus on one day at a time.

 

Melrich, I will give myself a bit of time each day to grieve. I just find myself at the most bizarre moments collapsing in grief. I will try very hard to remain focused on what is important in my life; my health, my family, my friends and my studies. It's amazing how much a person can take out of you. I feel so drained right now. I put my heart and my dreams into us and now everything feels shattered.

[friscodj]

You've got to be tough and focus. Your limits are being tested right now. What are you going to do????? Sink, swim, or get out of the pool?

 

Also something that has helped me before is thinking "outside" of and beyond your present feelings, and think to future feelings. When you're in the bathroom at school crying your eyes out before an exam, or not turning in your homework because you can't focus, your mind wandering to memories of your ex and the good times spent together during lectures, look at what is going on and how this break up is detracting from your life in other ways. Look at yourself in the eye in the mirror through the tears and ask yourself if this is what you want.

 

Then think of how these feelings are causing your work to suffer which in turn will cause other problems to surface down-the-road...wasted time, wasted tuition money, bad grades, fewer job prospects or a career change, feeling like a failure, etc.

 

Then how would you feel? And then think this downturn in your career hasn't happened yet and you can still fight and get through this situation. Not only can you get through it, you can succeed. Then think of how you would feel if you did succeed in spite of this devastating break up. Pretty empowering huh? If you can get through this, you can get through anything. Let these predicted future feelings motivate you to get the job done, that's snapped me out of situations like this before...

 

So go do it!

[Cassie]

Wow Friscodj, exactly the type of response I needed to hear. Thank you for the food for thought to snap me out of my spiraling funk. This guy is definitely not worth my tears or the setbacks in my life. I just wish my heart would hurry up and catch up with my mind on this. I know I need to grieve but ultimately I do choose to what extent I allow it to affect my life.

 

I want to look back at this one day and say; ya, I was being tested. Then I wound up and kicked some * * * *!

 

My heart goes out to all those suffering through breakups right now. I do find it help writing here on Enotalone. There sure are a great bunch of folks here.

[friscodj]

I want to look back at this one day and say; ya, I was being tested. Then I wound up and kicked some * * * *!

 

Oh yeah...oh hell yeah...this is exactly what I'm talking about... 0X

[joyce1412]

i agree with frisco, it's all about giving yourself a kick in the butt. there's no way to get motivated or focus except getting yourself motivated and focusing. it's do, or don't do.

 

i also try to look back at times i've been sad in the past, and realize how i let myself get so upset over things i deem to be rather trivial now. puts things into perspective.

[g44]

i believe that getting over and grief happens in its own way. there are things we can do that will help but sometimes there is nothing we can do but ride it out. i remember one day at work, i was having a great productive day and suddenly..........whoooooooooooooosh, this wash of sadness took over and i started crying. it was like, * * *! but i rode it out. it stopped. and the day went along. sometimes we just have to go with the flow.

[Sad_now]

Hi - just to say that I am going through semi-hell with this demon from hell I was seeing (not being harsh but true, sadly). At the same time I got a project from hell as well. I was working weekends, one day I worked till 5am and was back at 8am. It was HELL and I thought that personally and professionally I would crack. Yesterday night was the worst. I was missing him like crazy and wondering how things went so horribly wrong AND I had to work till 3am. I submitted my report, went home at 3:30, tired and sad, and fell asleep thinking I was ready to give up.

 

Woke up at 10am this morning to a bright sunny day, put on some music, showered, dressed up, had a nice breakfast and got to work by noon. Where my boss called me and congratulated me on doing such a good job and he was impressed. And my colleagues said I was looking really nice today

 

 

 

Just keep going and do what you have to do and you will be rewarded. The satisfaction you will get from YOUR achievements will be way more important than anything anyone else can give you.

 

Go for it!

[moonflowers]

Boy, can I sympathize! My ex dumped me right before the start of Spring Break, so that when we came back to school, I had to jump right back into the coursework and also deal with the breakup every day.

 

I don't think I've ever had such a difficult quarter before - not only did I start my grad school work (!), my personal life was getting rather unmanageable. I sum it up this way: shower, eat, sleep, finish work - pick three. But for some odd reason I managed to do okay that quarter despite the breakup and the harder courseload.

 

I think most of us would be surprised if we knew how strong we actually are, compared to how strong we think we are. You definitely have the resilience, the wits, the guts, and the strength to pull through. There will be days when you have to drag yourself around just to get it all done, to "move along, move along, just to make it through" - but you'll do it all somehow.

 

I am sure that in the future you will look back on this period of your life and go, "Whoa - I survived that?" in awe at your own accomplishment. And if you can make it through this - what else in life could possibly challenge you?

 

Best wishes!

[g44]

exactly woo hoo

[Relax]

Acknowledge that it's over. However things ended between you and your lover, you need to acknowledge that for now at least, things are over between you.

 

You may not want to give up hope yet and hold on to the thought that your lover will return one day, but you need to accept that for now, right now, you will need to be facing life without him or her, day by day. Acceptance of loss is one of the first steps to grieving, any grieving.

 

Allow your feelings to be whatever they are - loss, rage, hurt, sadness, or nothingness - but keep your thinking clear. He has gone and you need to live your life, one day at a time, without them. If you still have hopes that you can win them back this still applies to you.

 

Accept how things are for now and get back on your feet. Being a clingy emotional mess won't bring your lover back.