Phase 2?

[lindasgirl]

I recently lost my mother. She died suddenly and it has been very hard for the surviving members of my family to cope but I feel as though I have been doing fairly well. Kubler-Ross says that there are five stages of dying and it has been suggested that the same stages exist for those of us who are grieving the lost of a loved one. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Until now, I have been firmly entrenched in Stage 1. Even though I know she is dead, I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'll never see her (at least in this life) again.

 

Here is my problem - I have begun to experience a new range of emotions. I don't know if I'm moving into stage 2 or if I'm simply losing my mind. I'm irrationally jealous of people who still have two living parents - even my husband! He was there with me every step of losing my brother three years ago and he has been with me every step while I'm coping with the loss of my mother. I don't know why I am feeling this way but I sometimes feel this compulsive need to screech at him about how he can not possibly know what I'm feeling and that he needs to leave me the hell alone - but all he's trying to do is help. I also find myself shying away from people who have always been close friends and gravitating towards people who, like me, have lost a parent at a youngish age.

 

Is this normal or do I need to address this?

[southerngirl]

Oh I am so sorry.

 

I am crying right now I can not help it.

 

I lost my mother... Linda Gale on Aug 25, 2004.

 

Wow. I am so sorry for your loss, it isnt easy is it? Over the past two years I have been having the same feelings! I get upset at even hearing about peoples mothers and how wonderful they are when my mom isnt coming back. She wont be here again. As my dad told me these are selfish tears I cry because she is in heaven now and wants me to be happy.

 

I go back and forth between anger and depression oh I wish I could just get over this, but its not that easy. I can totally relate to this and its kinda creeping me out that you lost your mama, Linda.... on the same day two years apart.

 

Please PM me anytime... keep posting back it will help you.. I found this site a year ago. Its helped me.

 

Yes, I think what you are going through is very normal. Maybe you should see a psychologist, one who is experianced with grief. I have just started seeing someone and Im hoping it will help me. dont wait as long as I have. Im so angry at my mother too for not being here. Im angry at her for alot of things I just wish she were here right now.

[melrich]

I think it is normal; but I think you need to talk about it. You know that the thoughts are irrational which is a start. Maybe you could find someone (counsellor/pastor/priest) who is not someone you are close to and talk these things out. It does sound to me that you are going through the anger stage and I think it is important that these feelings are not bottled up, that you get them out.

[Wimpy]

I lost my Dad very suddenly 7 years ago. The stages of grief go back and forth - they don't follow any logical order (in my experience).

 

I can't exactly relate to your annoyance at other people with 2 surviving parents but I did have totally irrational responses to things.

 

My Dad died whilst I was on holiday and by the time I got home he was dead. I'd said goodbye to him and given him a hug before I went away and now here he was dead - I couldn't get my head around it. The hard thing was that everyone else in my family - including my 3 young nephews - had got to visit my Dad at the hospital. He never regained consciousness but at least they were able to say goodbye in person to him whilst he was still alive. I just remember being very angry and annoyed that my nephews had got to do that when I hadn't.

 

My take on it - death is totally irrational and illogical and we're never ready for it. As humans we are set up to celebrate life not death. It takes a lot of time to get over something as dramatic as losing a parent.

 

I don't know about you but I hadn't "rehearsed" how it would be to lose a parent.

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself and try and talk to your husband about how you're feeling so he doesn't feel attacked or alienated. Remember we tend to hurt the ones we love and who are closest to us....

 

Not sure if that's helped....

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi LindasGirl

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother - that must be a terrible blow to you, and bereavement is a horrible, confusing time.

 

I lost my brother a few years ago to cancer, and I remember how bewildering the grief was. I read the Kubler-Ross book, and from memory you don't go neatly through the stages of grief, but rather you can ricochet back and forwards through emotions, and it's exhausting and tough, but not straightforward. So everything you are feeling is 'normal', just really really difficult.

 

The not able to accept that she's dead - that's really normal. It's too much information for your mind to process, and you cannot get your head around it. This is such unbelievable news that you literally cannot believe it. It doesn't seem real and like a nightmare. Time is the great healer - I know that sounds trite, and not much use to you now, but things will ease from this period of terrible pain.

 

The jealousy and anger you mention - yep, again 100% perfectly normal. It's not necessarily nice, and the strength of these emotions may take you aback, but you're going through a deep loss, and you work through some troubling (and unpleasant) thoughts and emotions. The only thing I can suggest is to keep talking to your husband, let him know what's going on, and don't bottle things up. Let people reach out to you, let them comfort you through this, and let yourself do whatever you need to do emotionally, rather than thinking what you 'should' be doing.

 

Above all, be kind to yourself. Recognise that you have lost someone very dear to you, nourish and nurture yourself, give yourself as much tlc as you can.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[coollady1957]

First of all let me say I am very sorry to hear of your losing your Mother most recently and also for the loss of your brother a few years back. Please accept my most sincere condolences.

 

I can certainly understand your difficulty and the feelings you are going through. I lost my husband In December of 2003, quite suddenly, and so I know what goes through your mind oh so well.

 

I think to an extent what you are feeling is normal and to be expected. No you are not losing your mind, but you may be at a point where some type of counseling could help you deal with it better.

 

My son went through a serious stage of anger at age 17 when his father/ my husband died. He was mad at everyone that still had a father, he was upset with everyone that spoke of their fathers. This was because my son was so mad and upset that he once had a father himself and it had been snatched from him in a blink of an eye.

 

My son realized that even though this was somewhat normal ,he got to a point he felt it was controlling his life and his every thought. We sought counseling for my son and he went through a 6 week program, going twice a week, and it helped him tremendously to overcome the anger phase.

 

IF you are at a point where you feel you are beginning to lash out at those you feel angry with, then you might want to address the issue further with some type of therapy or counseling.

 

There will certainly be a roller coaster of emotions over the next period of time for you. I know that you have lost a brother and have gone through the process of dealing with that so you are no stranger to grief. However, going through the loss of a parent, you will possibly grieve differently and longer.

 

Take care and let us know how you are doing.

[lindasgirl]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I definitely feel better thinking that I'm not turning into some raging shrew who is unbearable to be around. The worry stems from the fact that my grieving process is completely different for my mother than it was for my little brother. I suppose that shouldn't be surprising to me. My mother died suddenly at age 57 and my brother was in the hospital for three weeks before he died at 22. The relationship is different, the ages are different and the amount of time I had to sort-of "get used" to the possibility of death is different. I don't remember having these strong feelings of jealousy and rage when Matt died.

 

Thanks for the suggestions. I have taken steps to get into a loss support group and I have addressed the issue with my husband. Apparently I haven't been as adept at hiding these feelings as I thought I was. When I started to tell him that I thought I was having some anger issues surrounding the death of my mom, his response was to feign shock and say, "Oh, really? I hadn't noticed." He thinks he's cute. Good thing he really is or I'd have had to take him down!

 

This, too, shall pass. I'll get through it - one day at a time.

[coollady1957]

Good for you on seeking out support for yourself during this grieving process. AS I said in my first post, my son was having a horrible time after his fathers death. The counseling and support group helped him so much.

 

You are so right about taking it one day at a time. That is about the only way you can do it. Take today and do your best to manage it. Time allows for dealing with it better, but I think we never truly get over it. It just becomes easier eventually, in our mind and thoughts.

[billy69]

im so sorry to hear about your loss

i lost my dad last month and i too get jealous when people i know talk about their dad when iv not got mine. im not close to my brother or sister and live in a new town a good bit away from my mum and really just have my girlfriend living nearby. i feel sad and jealous when i hear her talk about her dad.

[coollady1957]

billy69 I am sorry to hear of your loss as well. I can certainly relate in some way , as I lost my husband not quite three years ago. I have seen first hand what the loss did my my children whom were 17 and 22 yrs old at the time.