Help relationship difficulties

[jammiedodger]

Hi, I'm new here. I don't really know what folder this post should go in so forgive if in wrong place.

 

I'm a 29 year old English guy. 3 months ago I got back together with my girlfriend after she left me. I begged her to return to me as I missed her. The reasons she left me were many silly things I did. One being receiving emails from, and sending to a female friend friend whom she felt jealous about- without telling her about the correspondance as I had promised to do so. I was in Japan at the time forgot. She had no real reason to feel jealous as it was just an old friend from university who I spoke to about once a month or so. My girlfriend emailed this friend back herself and told her off for being selfish and then dumped me.

 

Since we've been back together (now in Germany) things have been rather difficult. She wants me to propose to her and is very upset that I haven't yet. She thinks it is long overdue as we have been together for 2 years, she is 38 and hopes to get married in time to have children. I am 9 years younger and it is my first relationship. She gets really angry about all sorts of little things but says this is primarily an effect of not being "claimed" by me. I find it difficult to ask someone to marry me when they are angry at me every day, often hitting and physically attacking me during rows and misunderstandings. To me it seems wrong to go from her calling me "useless * * * *ing idiot" and hitting me straight to me asking her "will you marry me?" within a few days. It is difficult to speak to her about this as mentioning the subject of engagement without asking the question desperately upsets her. She will say that I've "put my foot in it", demand an explaination, usually rock back and forth getting more and more agitated if I can't explain why I spoiled her special subject. This will usually end with her hitting me.

 

I'm away from her for a few days at the moment and actually (guiltily) find it to be a relief. On our last day together we argued over something or other. I think it was to do with my negativity and the fact I don't do enough for her(which has been true in the past but I am improving). I couldn't explain or answer her comment "If you loved me you would do more for me. You would do it joyfully and you wouldn't hesititate" This ended with her physically attacking me by hitting me in the ribs and over the head with a heavy coffee cup. It hurt a lot. After this she ran into the bedroom and started crying and rocking. I tried to comfort her (but not very well) before pointing at my head and saying it hurt. This made her even more angry and she started kicking me. We made up later but I still felt shaken.

 

She is full of fear and I believe she needs counselling. Maybe I do too. During a recent argument she tried to strangle herself with a skipping rope. I still have nightmares about it.

 

She is very good at talking and expressing her opinion and I am not. I often get muddled when I speak and put things in a confusing, unclear way. This results in her often talking at me for half an hour after which I give only a few small comments. She sees this as an indication that I don't care.

 

Despite everything I do love her and want things to work between us if they can. She believes that if I ask her to marry me most of our problems and the tension will disappear. I find it difficult to trust this but can't explain my fear for it will upset her.

 

We are both Christians (although that may be difficult to believe!). Myself a recent convert, she having been Christian for over 20 years.

 

I don't know what the solution is to our dillema. I feel trapped in a circle of increasing negativity as things are. Things must change one way or another. Any advice appreciated.

[Closure]

So you've returned to a relationship where you're being struck?

 

This may hurt my friend but this is an abusive relationship, nothing excuses the hitting.

 

If I were you i'd leave!

[Momene]

I'm afraid that, as this would not be tolerated if you hit her, why should you have to tolerate it because you're a bloke.

 

You should tell her, you'll consider marrying her when she learns to control her temper but if she doesn't you're not going to stick around. Sounds like you're getting a lot of verbal abuse as well.

 

I know someone who amrried an abusive woman and it didn't change.

[jammiedodger]

She had a lot of problems with men in the past.

 

When I left for England she tried to stop me by locking the door of our apartment, but I managed to push her out of the way and get to the station. She followed me and tried to get some answers (for something or other) out of me while I was waiting for the train. A guy asked her "Do you know if this is the train to Wiesbaden?" And she shouted at him to shut up or * * * * off or something. She was holding a nail file and I remember thinking oh * * * * she's gonna try to stab me! She didn't but wasn't very happy all the same.

 

Sometimes I doubt myself and can only see things clearly when I get away. She thinks I am more messed up than her and that I have the primary problem in the relationship in that I am slow to make clear decisions and am often rather cynical (she is too but I don't think she sees).

 

She knows that she has problems. And that she can be horrible. But she won't accept that she can change without me improving myself for her. She doesn't have any respect for me. She knows she has problems, but I don't think she accepts them if that makes any sense.

[Closure]

Of course she doesn't have any respect for you, you are her punchbag.

 

If a woman hit me i'd assume she thought she was ready for the big leagues and i'd be VERY tempted to hit her back. I'm not violent and i've never hit anyone off of a hockey rink but no one does that to someone like me, man or woman, they'd be VERY stupid to think they'd get away with it but you CANNOT accept it.

 

She's clearly unhinged and you think more clearly when you're away. Nothing in her past excuses her behaviour with you, you weren't responsible.

 

It's time to hit the road Jack, you just need someone to tell you what you already know.

[Momene]

Agree. If she won't accept responsibility for her behaviour, it's time to call it a day.

 

It's a day.

 

Good luck.

[whoops]

you are to young to tolerate this - is this what you want to bring your children into?

[tkrob]

Ha! If she thinks getting married will make things all better...she is crazy! If she is acting like that now....imagine your life with her forever!

 

Not worth it! Too many more fish in the sea, to put up with that! I know it is hard...but this relationship is bad news!!!

[andlamv]

Of course she doesn't have any respect for you, you are her punchbag.

 

If a woman hit me i'd assume she thought she was ready for the big leagues and i'd be VERY tempted to hit her back. I'm not violent and i've never hit anyone off of a hockey rink but no one does that to someone like me, man or woman, they'd be VERY stupid to think they'd get away with it but you CANNOT accept it.

 

She's clearly unhinged and you think more clearly when you're away. Nothing in her past excuses her behaviour with you, you weren't responsible.

 

It's time to hit the road Jack, you just need someone to tell you what you already know.

 

 

I think when it ever gets violent it should be the end of it..