how do you start NC?

[sfindependent]

a lot of people have been really helpful with my problems with the ex. as a lot of you know, we've been in Full Contact ever since we broke up. However, I wanted to know how to start NC after being in FC? do I tell her? what sould I say? Should I stop altogether and not answer her phone calls? should I explain myself?

 

what is the best way for anyone to do so?

 

thanks!

[amtjrtcet]

How long have the 2 of you been apart? Maybe since you've remained in contact with her since the breakup you should email her. Just tell her you think it would be best if the 2 of you didn't speak anymore.

That way she doesn't think something has happened to you......She should understand, and if she doesn't then I wouldn't answer her calls. At least then she'll know why.

[sfindependent]

we've been together almost 2 years, but have been apart (relationship wise) amonth or so. But we've been in FC, hanging out and getting dinner, going to her place, etc etc. No sex though (tsk tsk and no kissing, holding hands that sort.

[amtjrtcet]

who initiated the break up?

[sfindependent]

she did, but she's been also initiating communication except for today, since we talked about it last night. all the other times when we do talk about it however, she ends up breaking our agreement

[amtjrtcet]

okay, well consider the convo you had last night as it. Don't make contact with her anymore. And don't answer her calls or reply to msgs or emails. If you want this to work for you you have to do it 100%.

[sfindependent]

yeah, I am. but she said she will call tom. and I wanted to call her tonight and explain to her I need more than that to be able to really heal. But I dont really know how to start the NC properly. do i just not answer the call? do i just vanish? i think that would be unfair on my part to do such a thing

[sfindependent]

I'm thinking of sending her this email to start my nc

 

S,

 

I tried calling you last night, I was thinking that you might like a video that I've rented called "broken flowers". And I couldve brought it over for you, and brought you something to eat, i kinda thought you were tired from your schoolwork. Anyway, you didnt answer the phone, didnt call me back, nothing. I guess you went out. Then I began thinking to myself, that I am really doing this alone.

 

I hope you find the time to really think about me, someday. Why I really wanted to make things work. I hope you'd realize i know we both made mistakes. but that we're only human to commit them. But the real John who said I love you, the same man you probably think was a man lacking the capability to push through with his deeds of love, is the same man who found the last tulip to give to you when it was already well out of season, who found your toes to be the cutest thing in the world, who insisted to cook breakfast for you just so you'd have a full stomach at work, who lived with you and yet wanted you to have a life on your own and still be to be ther to be the man who genuinely cares and loves you, the same man you'd spend the weekends and your days off with, and spent 3hours playing darts in your mom's garage in texas. I'm the same man who woke up at 7am, halfdrunk and drove to walgreens to give you medicine when you got hurt. I'm the man who promised you commitment, and I have rocky here laying with me to prove it. I'm the same man who promised you he would be there for you no matter what pain he has to endure to make sure you're happy. Maybe someday I hope you'd see why I couldnt settle for being just a friend for good.

 

I'm glad you're happy now. But I have to go for a while. Just the same way you believe other people would make you happy, I deserve someone who values me as much as I value them. I deserve someone who wouldn't doubt me or my intentions, and wouldn't lie to me and want to be with other people to experience life. I want to be with someone who wants to spend a great deal of their time being with me with friends or alone and enjoy my company. I want to be with someone who can be herself around me, and appreciate the things i do. I dont need drama or heartache, if i have no one to share it with. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who chooses other people over me.

 

I will be leaving, and i'm sorry to block you on myspace for a while, I need time to think myself. the last letter you said you printed out still contains my standing promise. take care of yourself for now. i'm proud of you and i'm thankful for inspiring me to want a better future.

I love you so much.

 

J

[Scout]

It sounds a lot like your other letter, where you are trying to guilt-trip her because she doesn't return your love.

 

Sweetie, I know you love her and it hurts that she isn't returning it, but I promise you, the pain DOES go away if you really get serious about healing.

 

And No Contact is the way to get started.

 

Please, don't send that email. Send this one instead:

 

Hi...I've been giving some thought to our situation, and I finally realize that a friendship with you just can't work until I am over you as a girlfriend. With that in mind, it would be best if we don't contact each other anymore. I appreciate your willingness to be friends, but in fairness to both of us, I can't really be a friend to you in the true sense of the word until I've completely moved on from the relationship we had before.

 

- Bogs

[sfindependent]

thank you scout. I appreciate you taking the time to type up the letter for me.

I just keep cracking down on the NC! I would tell her blah blah blah, and then all of a sudden id call her or pick up her call... argh!

 

its frustrating for both of us.

[Scout]

thank you scout. I appreciate you taking the time to type up the letter for me.

I just keep cracking down on the NC! I would tell her blah blah blah, and then all of a sudden id call her or pick up her call... argh!

 

its frustrating for both of us.

 

I understand it's frustrating, but it's easier to go through with once you decide firmly in your heart that NC is for you to get over her, not to get her back.

 

You really have to understand that's what it's for, friend. I know you're hurting, I know you love her...but the longer you two drag this out, the more you are going to exhaust your self-respect. Don't do that to yourself.

 

It may be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but if you really pull it off...you'll look back one day and be so relieved you did. It's time to let go, and get on with living, Bogs.

[Scout]

And you need a plan in place here, to replace your urges to contact her. Every time you want to contact her, do something good for yourself or for someone else (except the ex!), instead.

 

Work out, take a ride on your bike, go volunteer for some cause that desperately needs help, invite a friend over, visit a relative or an elderly person that could use the company, post a piece of advice to another eNotalone member's thread...the list could go on and on...the point is, do something positive, instead of a negative. Like contacting the ex, which always ends up leaving you longing, sad, and bereft.

 

I promise you, if you can keep this up for a couple of months, you will see an amazing change in your life. For one thing, if you did something positive for yourself or someone else every time you felt the urge to contact her...well, do you realize how much good energy and karma you would be developing over time? There is no way you can do that many good things without it coming back to benefit you in countless positive ways.

[ibenhad]

Bos, like scout said no guilt trip. Real short and sweet. I had to do it Sunday morning and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I miss her every second of the day and she is my world. She also needs me more than anything but I must help myself. Just don't pick up your phone. I feel allot more stable now that I don't talk to her everyday. You need to work on you. She doesn't want to hear you whine and being pathetic, trust me I know that pushed mine farther away. They want the strong man that they knew and loved. By her trying to be your friend it makes it easier on her. Too bad.... She hurt you, correct? Good luck and know I'm right here on day 4 of nothing.

[sfindependent]

yeah.. i'm trying to find the man she cared for before. but it aint working. i keep getting suckered in, i dont know where to draw the strength from anymore.

[sfindependent]

we talked yesterday as usual, and as usual, it didnt end in a nice way. I hung up with the agreement that I'll be talking to her later on that night. she said that one of the reasons why we broke up was she wasnt happy. Anyway, before we hung up, she asked me to do whatever it is that I wanted to. so i called her a few minutes later and told her "what i want is to share happiness with you". she replied, "well, after all that's been happening, you've made it difficult to do that". i have to give her that. it has been difficult. the things that she;s been doing, and the people she's been hanging out with, its been driving me nuts. plus, she spends more time with them now than with me.

 

 

 

so 8pm rolls by and i called her. 3times. she didnt pick up. so i left her a message and then went on with work. round 10, i tried to call her again and her phone was off. so i didnt bother anymore. I thought, well i think she's gone NC on me now, I thought we promised each other that we wont do that. anyway, so i said " * * * * it, ive done all i can" so went to a friends place and hung out. 1100pm, she calls a few times, and then I didnt pick up. an hour later, she calls again and leaves a message saying she assumes i was upset for not being able to talk with her, and that she was at the library, and finally her phone died. round 12 15 she tried calling again and i didnt pick up anymore.

 

 

 

I promised her that I wouldnt go NC on her without telling her, but she hasnt done anything much for me to hold that part of the bargain. she's adamant that she only wants friendship but she has this other guy she's getting close to. I'm not going to play second fiddle anymore to someone.

 

 

 

i want to get better, but i also dont want us to grow apart. maybe a week of NC, and i'll see if I feel better. If I dont, then I will continue on.

 

 

 

this whole experience has left me wondering a lot about what I can do with myself. I really thought that she was the one, and I only want to know what would truly make her happy. I thought by me sharing what I had in my life, and supporting her in hers and showing how much i really cared was enough, but her love died for me. and I've been trying to revive something that needs to just be let go. Its really going to be hard for me, as she's been challenging my principles and my capabilities (not consciously, i believe) and I'm the kind f person who loves a challenge.

 

 

 

I will go NC without telling her. she will get the idea she's a really smart girl. that's why i fell in love with her.

 

 

 

I've always believed that we will get back together someday, but we cant get anywhere if we continue to argue and if we dont see eye to eye. maybe until i get my head straight. but right now, i should get the hell out of somewhere where i'm just forcing myself to be in

[Scout]

Bogs, you make some good points in the last part of your post. Just out of curiosity, how long has it been since you two officially broke up?

[sfindependent]

almost, if not 2months already

 

 

we've been talking daily. but it always ends up in the ugliest ways, and i've pushed her to someone else. i never gave her a chance to think about us.

 

I miss her already so much.

 

she's been reaching out to me. but then again, only to be friends. that's not what i want

[sfindependent]

she know's that I want to become friends but will open the possibility of becoming more in the future. besides, from the way we broke up, we should be friends first right? but i keep getting hurt. i keep getting turned down. and she has new friends... so i'm not going to force myself into somewhere im not wanted

[Scout]

Two months? Yeah, that's way too soon for you to be able to make the transition from boyfriend to friend. Especially since you aren't the one who initiated the break up.

 

It does seem that a lot of ugliness and negative feelings are collecting here between you two right now. NC would certainly at least prevent any more from happening.

[sfindependent]

yeah. I told her i just want her to be happy with me, i dont know how else. we even got a dog twoo weeks before we broke up! maybe she freaked out too.... i dont know. i almost dont want to care anymore. ive been so good to her. i was a jerk when we started but i did a complete turn around and focused so much on her, and this is how she repays me?

 

yeeesh.

[sfindependent]

but the question that keeps coming back to me is, why would she keep calling me and reaching out to me, knowing full well that I want to be more than friends later on?

[Scout]

but the question that keeps coming back to me is, why would she keep calling me and reaching out to me, knowing full well that I want to be more than friends later on?

 

I don't know for sure. What I do know for sure is if she wanted you NOW, she would be with you now - instead of with someone else.

 

Some reasons she may still call are that she feels guilty or that she feels sorry for you.

 

You'd be surprised how many people try to stay in contact with someone they've dumped because they feel guilty. In her case, look how fast she took up with someone else. Part of her staying in touch could be because as long as you still want her and love her, she doesn't feel like what she did was such a crappy thing.

 

Have you actually asked her this question? Why she keeps in touch with you?

[sfindependent]

she said she cares. thats it, i know she's never been close to anyone as much as i have been to her. we lived together, so her real self, her quirks and her personal issues ive dealt with already. the people she hangs out with, and the guy she's talking to, she said she's not going to be as close to him or anyone as much as she hsa been to me.

 

what i really want to know is how to make her happy. but i dont think she even knows.

 

she's bipolar too.so i think that would get in the way

[sfindependent]

right now she says she's happy. but ive seen her happy with me. and that's all that ive wanted. we couldve worked it out. we couldve have stuck together like i did her. but she didnt. i dont need someone ho will drop me like a hot potato. she stuck with me for a long time and as I did her. thats what you should do when you're in love with someone.

 

she said she just lost the feeling of love, but she said she really did love me before.

 

i guess it was more true for me.

[Scout]

Ok, well, she knows that you're the only person who will put up with her erratic behavior. That doesn't mean she intends to make you her boyfriend again. It's just a convenient source of validation for her. "Good old Bogs, he'll always be around, no matter what I do...and I don't even have to give much in return but just accept his calls when I feel like it and call him when I feel like it!"

 

Is that love, Bogs?

 

I don't think so.