New to the forums... but glad I found them

[julius05]

Hey everyone, glad that I found the forums, seems like a great place to be and with people who give you good advice.

 

My story is probably just like most everyone else's.. I fell in love with a girl, who also fell in love with me... then she wanted to be just friends for the moment... I couldn't take it, so I started forcing things... got into an argument.. kept iming her... made things worse... but finally yesterday set my goals in complete NC for however long it may take.

 

Here's everything from the start though... I met this girl at a friends party, she was absolutely beautiful, I at the time didn't approach her because I thought she was with someone else, so I thought nothing of it, I ended up leaving the party early because of my panic attacks(which at the time I was not getting help for.) Days go by and I end up going down to a shorehouse for the 4th of July shes there you know, we're talking and stuff, and we're joking around all night... again I think she's with a guy so I back off a bit. The next day I find out she really doesn't like the kid, that he was just trying to get with her... so I approached her the next weekend, started talking, and hooked up.

 

After that we started talking more serious... she opened up to me like she opened up to no one before(or atleast that's what she told me, which I have to believe.) Until eventually we decided to actually take into a relationship. Things were great, but the problem was I already was going on vacation to Spain for a month and when we started going out it must have only been a 1 1/2 - 2 weeks before I would leave... and only like a month of knowing each other, so it was tough but we decided that we really liked each other enough to pursue a relationship.

 

Things went amazingly so the last night we're together she says "I Love You" after an extremely sad, long, make out session in my car. Then she's like "I'm sorry" and I'm like "It's Ok." So she then goes into her house... I leave. The next day we werent able to see each other as she was at work and I was getting ready to leave so it was already tough... then right before I'm about to board the plane I call her and right before I hang up I say "I Love You." She texted me saying she was all crying and stuff think nothing of it.

 

 

So whatever I'm in Spain, we're texting/calling each other, shes missing me real bad, I'm missing her, then maybe one week- two weeks in she sends me an e-mail saying how maybe it's good if we take a break that she loves me so much but the distance is really tearing her apart... I told her we can make this work, so she agrees, and says I love you to much I can't just be friends with you.

 

This is where it gets complicated now though... So a few days go by and then my cousin calls me and he says, oh so I hear your single now? I'm like wait what I'm single? He's like yeah Jamie(my ex) is saying that you guys broke up? I didn't know what the hell was going on, so I hung up with him and called her. She says that I broke up with her, that I was the one who said we should just break up until I came back. I didn't remember saying anything remotely close to that... nor was I drunk when I said anything like that... I couldn't believe it... but whatever I took it for what it was. We still texted and called every once in a while though... the occasional I miss you from her(no more I love yous though)... can't wait to see you this and that.

 

So finally the day comes when I get back from Spain. I come back... I see her, I feel a bit weird... but she hugs me and I hug her and can't let go for a long time. We then go get something to eat and she starts kissing me and we start making out. So whatever.

 

Then we start talking somewhat that day... then the next... about getting back together. She says at this moment of her life that she can't be in a relationship with me or with anyone. That she just wants to be best friends. I can't understand this because not even a few weeks ago she's texting me saying "I can't just be friends with you, I love you to much." So we keep discussing it a couple of days and she's getting annoyed saying she keeps telling me the same thing a million times over. I finally come to my senses and say "Look I understand, you're just starting college and you need to prioritize your life first. Going out with me all your focus is going to be on me and you can't do that to yourself right now." So I agreed in just being friends.

 

Things were fine you know... I was dealing... but then Saturday comes along. During the day it's cool you know, we're just chiling, being friends. Then We're out together at night all of my friends and her... I'm already a little mad because it took forever to find parking.. so we get to the bar and I just keep drinking and drinking you know... then the end of the night comes... and something just explodes in my head and I start arguing with her... to the point I get so mad I walk away screaming, crying, yelling, kicking cars and punching trees. Saying stuff like "I put my heart into these *** all the time and they always break it." I literally have to be walked away. They take my car without telling me cuz I was to drunk to drive. One of my friends takes her, and 3 of my other friends home(I at the time didn't know, and my friends didn't tell me as I was so angry it was ridiculous I NEVER got that bad)... she texts me saying that her parents picked her up that shes to upset to talk... so then I called her house like an idiot... at 3 AM and her mom picks up... in a polite manner I ask if shes home and the mom says no...

 

I messed up then... bad. Then I called her the next day, apologized profusely and decided that NC is the best thing. It's fine, but I keep texting her or IMing her. Until yesterday where I brought up about if she's talking to her ex-bf.. and she tells me that she can't keep dealing with this that if we're going to do NC then we need to do it.. .and that everytime I talk to her that I can't keep bringing her down, especially since I know about her problems with depression. So I agree and am trying my hardest to not make any attempt to contact her for both her good and my own.

 

My problem is I'm currently jobless and not in school.(Planning on going back next semester and currently job hunting though) so I have absolutely nothing to do during the day. I suffer from panic attacks(which have gotten worse now but which I'm currently seeking help for again).. oh and did I mention a $700 phone bill as well as another $200 bill for other ****? Yeah things are pretty rough for me now, lol.

 

My question is, after reading my whole situation, what do I do to keep my mind off of her? I'm going to see her on weekends because she's very good friends with all my friends, and I don't want to be the reason as to why she can't hang out with the only people who really care about her. I know when I find a job, it's going to be a lot easier, but I need help like now...

 

 

I don't think we can't be together because we don't love or like each other anymore, I just think under her circumstances being extremely busy with college(and already having numerous other problems... yeah I love those troubled girls, lol.) she just can't be with me. I think that me being home all day during the week just makes me think for the worst... and the panic attacks don't help. I keep thinking about her finding someone else or doing some ****.. even though I KNOW she's not that type of girl. I always think for the worst and that's also my problem. The reason I don't want to stop NC because I feel like I'm the one who can help her through her problems(I stopped her from smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, and really cutting down on her drinking.) I'm worried that she's going to go back into that **** if I lost contact with her. AHHH I'm so confused.

 

I'm sorry for the EXTREMELY long post... but I thought this whole thing was complicated enough to warrant as much detail as possible. Again glad to be part of this board... hope to hear from you guys soon!

[gattsuga]

It's good you're doing the NC thing... that's what she wants, and you should give that to her. When she's ready she'll contact you. Was it true then you broke up with her when you were in Spain? I don't think she'd make up that story just to break up with you...

 

anyway, if you need to keep your mind on something else... just think back to what you did before you met her. go to parties, sports, etc... pick up a new hobby or something. when i went through my NC phase, i bought a motorcycle and started tinkering with that.. that kept me busy and my mind off her. i've always wanted one, so i was pretty thrilled to finally have one.

 

keep doing NC... and hopefully her feelings will become clear. and try to keep your panic attacks under control... cuz you can't control her no matter how hard you try. good luck!

[Scout]

Hi, Julius05 - welcome to eNotalone, friend! Although, I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances that led you here. It all sounds very frustrating, and I can understand why you're as angry as you are. (Note: try to reign in the urge to use profanities, though...it's not allowed here so that we can keep a safe and respectful environment for members to get helpful feedback. I have the tendency to curse like a sailor myself, and I find this eNotalone restriction has helped me clean up my language in "real life," as well

 

Back to your situation. I wouldn't say it's the same story we hear a lot on this forum. But it's not completely uncommon either. Friend, based on what you're saying here...if it's pretty much really like this...I hate to simplify your situation with what I'm about to say, but it honestly looks to me like this girl is a flake.

 

Yep, a flake. She's into highs and lows, drama, and basically playing with people's feelings.

 

I don't think the majority of people are like that, but there's enough of 'em out there that at least one time or another, many of us have fallen prey to their mindgames.

 

Why, you ask, would anyone act in such a way? Again, I don't think these people are the majority. Let me stress that, because I don't want you to end up hating and distrusting my gender! But, the ones who act that way (and there are guys who do the same) simply do it because: they can. They've discovered they can push buttons, manipulate people's feelings, and when they get the reaction they want, they grow bored and move on for a new toy to play with.

 

It's messed up, it's wrong, and I firmly believe karma will come back one day to give them a nasty bite.

 

What I would suggest to you is you immediately remove yourself from such a toxic presense.

 

Yes, you'll be angry. No one likes to be a victim, and it can really take us by a shocking surprise when we fall prey to one of these types of people.

 

But in my assessment, you did nothing wrong. She has her little game down pat, and you shouldn't feel like a fool for falling for it.

 

However...if you go back for more...well, then I won't be able to give you the same assessment. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..." You get the idea.

[julius05]

Hey, thanks for the response and the welcome. Now, I don't know if you're right and I just don't want to hear it or what. Though I want to disagree, I mean, if she wanted to find someone else, she easily could have. If she really is a flake, would she have opened up to me as she did? Would I have been able to open up to her as I did? I don't want to completely push this girl out of my life because a)I feel obliged to always be there for her, no matter what

b)I feel like I helped her so much in getting her life into perspective, that if I push her out for good, she's going to fall back into hanging out with the wrong crowd.

 

In my honest opinion... I really just want to try to get over the thought of wanting to be more then just friends with her. I always want to be her friend. It's hard to keep a distance because she will always be around my friends on weekends. It's also hard because I can't see myself with anyone else though, but at the same token, I know I easily can be. It's just rough because I guess you can say I feel like I need to look after her... the girl has problems, a ton of problems, and I don't think she's doing any of this intentionally but she just needs to take some time and figure out what she wants from me and herself.

[Scout]

You could be right, I could be wrong. It's just that in your first post, you pointed out some important details. For example, this girl flat out lied when she told your cousin you broke up with her. Plus, her words and actions have dramatically varied in extremely short spaces of time. That spells: ERRATIC. Not a good sign, and one that is a classic calling card of the mind-game playing flakes.

 

I'm curious why you feel obligated to be there for her no matter what? Careful you don't fall into the "Damsel In Distress" pattern in the types of females you are attracted to. That's almost as bad as getting caught in the dreaded "FriendZone," with one of these types after they're done sucking thte life out of you.](*,)

[Scout]

Julius, thought you might get some further insight if you checked out these threads by a member who has also decided to make the promise to "be there for her no matter what."

 

Read these threads very carefully. I think you'll see that you could be opening yourself up to some seriously frustrating times ahead...and this guy is TWO YEARS IN to his promise.

 

 

 

[julius05]

You could be right, I could be wrong. It's just that in your first post, you pointed out some important details. For example, this girl flat out lied when she told your cousin you broke up with her. Plus, her words and actions have dramatically varied in extremely short spaces of time. That spells: ERRATIC. Not a good sign, and one that is a classic calling card of the mind-game playing flakes.

 

I'm curious why you feel obligated to be there for her no matter what? Careful you don't fall into the "Damsel In Distress" pattern in the types of females you are attracted to. That's almost as bad as getting caught in the dreaded "FriendZone." ](*,)

 

I feel obligated because when she had no one to turn to I was there. I gave her advice that no one else ever did. I mean she stopped smoking weed, cut down alot on her drinking, doesn't smoke cigarettes(atleast all these things to the best of my knowledge I'm not around her all the time).

 

Her ex-boyfriends were morons who would tell her she was fat, so she would crash diet, and is now why she has weight issues(she is no where near being fat I might add, out of shape? Sure, but so am I I'll admit to it, can't blame her though, with torn ligaments in her knee.)

 

She's a smart girl, with a bright future, who even was doing some modeling before the weight issues... I just want to see her happy.

[julius05]

basically I don't want her messing up her life again, and having no one there to put her on the right path.

[Scout]

I feel obligated because when she had no one to turn to I was there. I gave her advice that no one else ever did. I mean she stopped smoking weed, cut down alot on her drinking, doesn't smoke cigarettes(atleast all these things to the best of my knowledge I'm not around her all the time).

 

Her ex-boyfriends were morons who would tell her she was fat, so she would crash diet, and is now why she has weight issues(she is no where near being fat I might add, out of shape? Sure, but so am I I'll admit to it, can't blame her though, with torn ligaments in her knee.)

 

She's a smart girl, with a bright future, who even was doing some modeling before the weight issues... I just want to see her happy.

 

Well, that's all very noble of you, but it looks like all your efforts went pretty much unappreciated, if she ended up dumping you.

 

I think the key here is that there is something in you that responded to being needed. It made you feel good. And that's great, but don't waste too much of that tendency you have on someone who's actions are ultimately hurtful to you.

 

I mean, there's people out there who would really appreciate your giving nature, and give you the support YOU need, too.

 

I'm serious about that Damsel in Distress pattern. Too many men fall into that trap, and it can suck all the positive energy out of you pretty darn soon.

[julius05]

Well, that's all very noble of you, but it looks like all your efforts went pretty much unappreciated, if she ended up dumping you.

 

I think the key here is that there is something in you that responded to being needed. It made you feel good. And that's great, but don't waste too much of that tendency you have on someone who's actions are ultimately hurtful to you.

 

I mean, there's people out there who would really appreciate your giving nature, and give you the support YOU need, too.

 

I'm serious about that Damsel in Distress pattern. Too many men fall into that trap, and it can suck all the positive energy out of you pretty darn soon.

 

Thank you... I agree. My friends also tell me not to set my hopes up to high because it's only going to hurt even more when those hopes aren't realize. I need to get over the whole wanting more... and I know from there I should be ok... key word being should.

[Scout]

It might help to analyze why you responded so greatly to the feeling that you helped her. Did that give you a sense of validation?

 

If so, that in itself isn't a negative. It could simply mean that you need to find more ways in your life to be helpful, because a) you're good at it, and b) it makes you feel good.

 

You don't have to pursue that in your relationships, though. That's where it can get messy. If you're constantly the one to pull someone out of their own self-created messes, you're going to be in for some unhappy times. What's more, I find those types of people - the ones whose lives are just always a mess - are usually pretty self-absorbed and selfish. It's all about them. The result is you end up starting from a point where you feel like you're making a difference in their life, to feeling major resentment when you realize you've basically been used.

 

And that's no good, because then you start to distrust people in general, based on your few - but drawn out - experiences with selfish people.

 

Personally, I'd suggest you explore some ways you could volunteer your skills, or even just your time, to some causes, non-profits, etc. that could use it. That's a much more positive outlet for feeding your need to, well, be needed. Just my two cents, anyway.