self esteem issue, please any help advice appreciated!

[Anderson617]

Hello everyone I am a new member to enotalone.com

 

I will keep my name a secret and just tell you that I am 18 years old and am in college.

 

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and am very stressed at the moment and can't get this out of my head. Please would all of you so kindly take some time out of your day and read this. I know it is long but I really need some feedback. please read it and tell me what you think.

 

I have been feeling very upset and frustrated lately. It is about my girlfriend. She is very self counsious and has a very low self esteem. We have been dating for about 4 1/2 months now. She feels that she is unattractive and constantly judges her looks based on how other girls look. The thing that frustrates me the most is that she is so pretty. A lot of people, including me and her friends tell her that she is pretty enough to be a model, but she doesn't believe anyone. On her myspace she even got a friend request from a photographer who takes pictures of models! It has been causing major problems lately such as argueing and awkward and silent times when we are in the car or on the phone and things like that. The main reason why I think she is so self counsious about herself is because of her ex boyfriend whom she dated for about 2 years. He treated her so badly and told her all the time that she should look like other girls. I don't know why he would say such things to her. He was constantly depressed and was a drug user/alchoholic. They broke up and got back together countless times. He cheated on her more times than she can even keep track of. He did not deserve her because she is the nicest girl ever. And despite the way he treated her, he ended up dumping her!!! I know this is true because a lot of her friends have told me the same story. We love each other and we trust each other a lot as well. I think it is good that she got away from him because she put way too much effort into him, despite how he treated her. So basically, my girlfriend and I are the complete opposite. Here and there we have had talks about her being self counsious, and I thought that was the end of it. Recently she has been very effected by what others say and I don't know why. The past few days, we have talked about it a lot and she says wants plastic surgery when she gets out of college. I told her as long as she is doing it for herself then I won't be mad at her or feel any different about her as a person. She and I have the same people as friends, so I talked to them. They have noticed this too and mentioned to me that she should see a guidance counselor at her school. They made some very interesting points and I agreed completely. So last night in the car I nicely mentioned to her that this has gone too far and no matter what I and her friends tell her, it doesn't do anything because she doesn't believe what we say is true. I just got off the phone with her about 2 hours ago and I asked her if she saw the guidance counselor or if she made plans to go see them. She got a little heated and told me "It doesn't matter, I'll do what I want because if i feel better about myself after surgery, then so will everyone else!" Then she told me, "You and our friends tell me that I should get surgery if it's for myself but at the same time your telling me to go to the guidance counselor for your guys' sake and not my own." I told her that we want her to want herself to get help and raise her self esteem/self counciousness. Other than that things have been going great for her and I. It's just that lately this is causing a lot of problems between us. I just wish she would either get help, believe her friends and family when they tell her she really is beautiful, or make plans to get her plastic surgery when she gets out of school and make sure she is doing it for herself and no one else. Please let me know what you guys think, PLEASE?

[PrincessJOA]

Its hard when it comes to boosting up someone's self esteem.And may I say that, personally, I think by recommending her to go see a counsellor is not so much of a wise idea, its like saying, you need professional help cuz you're mentally screwed. And I dont really think girls being depressed about not looking as good as the other girls is much of a big deal. Thats just me, cuz I'm 18 myself and I do think the same(sometimes) as your girl. Anyways, instead of trying to convince her by words that she's beautiful, why dont you show her that she is.

And again, this might be just one of those phase every girl has to go through once in a while, in a few weeks time, she'll be alright when she realizes theres no point complaining, in the meantime, be the perfect boyfriend and try to let her feel beautiful

[gattsuga]

Wow it sounds like her ex-bf really messed her up. I hate those guys who put down their gfs to control them.

 

Props to you for being supportive and encouraging. But it's obvious her feeling of being inadequate or not pretty is pretty deeply scarred in her mind. I'm sure plastic surgery won't help either... it's just a quick fix, but she'll eventually find something else wrong with herself. She definitely needs to seek a counselor. I've seen my friends like this who became anxorexic, and it is VERY unhealthy. She doesn't want to see a counselor because it's probably really scary and embarrassing for her. But yeah... i would say no to plastic surgery, and say she looks awesome the way she is. (plastic surgery in my opinion makes people look fake and gross)

 

i'm not sure how you can convince her to see a counsellor though... maybe just offer to go with her, and be supportive and encouraging... which i'm sure you are.

[Anderson617]

thanks guys for responding so quickly. I might consider your idea gattsuga. maybe I should ask her if she would like me to attend counseling with her. I don't think I'm going to ask her anytime soon. I think her and I need to stop bringing this up because it is her personal issue. It's quite obvious that anything that I say isn't helping. I think she needs advice and help from a counselor/adult because they know way more than me or her friends. For now I am just going to wait and see what you guys have to say and what my friends and family have to say and wait and see if she gets over this phase for the time being. Honestly now that I think about it I think she is just in a deep valley right now and needs to pull herself out. She has always had self esteem issues since we started dating, but now it is out of control. Maybe it is just a phase and she will pull herself out soon enough. THANKS AGAIN GUYS! keep it up!

[Dako]

If you search this forum for posts about looks and attractiveness, you'll see a pattern. Young women from 18-21 are incredibly self conscious about thier looks, possibly from just becoming adult and being blasted with advertising and cultural excess about the need to resemble models and pop stars. Some women look or feel awkard at this age, and nothing seems to help but time or building a life based on other things.

 

Often the most painfully self-critical women are just beautiful, while others with plain appearances are stunning by way of their confidence and humor.

 

Your gf had her feelers stepped on by a weasel, but you can help her by taking her away from the mirror and TV and showing her a good time. Time may do the rest.

There must be a booming business in counseling for this problem.

[Anderson617]

hey Dako, I took your advice. Because I agree with you and I realized that I was wrong. Counseling is only going to make things worse. I told her that I shouldn't bother her about it so much. (because she seemed fine on the phone about 20 minutes ago) She is back to her good old self, (for now at least) and I let her know that I am here for her when she needs me. I agree, time is probably the best thing for her. She is probably still healing a little from her previous relationship. After all she is extremely sensitive and so am I by the way. The only thing that I can do is be there for her and listen to her if she is feeling down. I shouldn't make such a big deal about her life. After all it is her life, not mine. I feel a little upset about not being able to be there for her all the time because I want to be there for her too much, and I think that's a problem here. THANK YOU GUYS! Your advice has brought my relationship back to its good old self. I can't believe how well a little advice can do!