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2nd thoughts on surviving a fire!

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I was sleeping in the basement and woke up to my mom screaming there is a FIRE- I thought o good Ill just stay down here and die. But after 30 seconds of deciding wether this was my out. I got up and opened the door and this big plum of smoke overcame me and I crawled out to the front door. As I sat there with my mom- (who was hysterical at this point) I debated wether I made the right decision. The fire was a grease fire, she put on some new bacon called Blazzin bacon (seriously -thats its name) and she went outside and forgot about it. Anyhow after 10 minutes waiting for the FDept. They put it out - the damage was mainly to the kitchen but everything had to be taken out of the house because of smoke damage- We have been living in a Holiday inn for the past 3 weeks. This hotel happens to be the MEPS headquarters= Military inlistment prossessing station- anyhow there are new 18-25 men/women enlistments that come every night, and sometimes their faimlys are there to say there goodbyes. While I do respect there future service to this country I, think yeah when you get out of basic, your * * * is heading to iraq and youll probly die- Which sounds like a good idea for me, but I already have a bad back and knee with no cartlidge so I cant enlist- but the recruieter still trys to get me to join up. Well durin the first week there, I went got 2 beers and went to sit in the hottub, and decided Im going to stay in here till I pass out and drown. There wasnt anyone down there, and after about 35-40 minutes I was half unconsious and still sitting up, this lady came over and yelled at me to get up and jump in the pool, which I did. I was beat red and probly had a minor heat stroke-who knows.

I have been on Seroquel =600mg at night. and in the morning I have been taking lamictal. Ive tried everything from paxil to lexapro to serzone, and this current combination is the only one I can tolerate- even though I still feel hopeless, I dont get upset anymore and damage things, or threaten others, the doctor just upped the lamictal today, and said to go down to 450mg of seroquel as I sleep half the day, and he thought it might be the seroquell since I was on a high dose. I still cannot fathem going back to work- I have worked for my extended family for the past 8 years and Im literally sick of them ,and the type of (rich- IM better than you) type of customers we cator too. I eat, but dont eat very much at each sitting but, I still manage to put on weight, I guess its because of the drugs. I remember the last time I was in a crisis-help center, they said to get 1/2hr-40minutes of excersise a day, To try to stave off depression. I have been walking on the treadmill at the hotel, but the other day decided to walk around a nearby lake, which has a trail, there were two separate occasions where I was verbally occosted. Iam always bymyslef so I guess people interperate that Im a freak or because of the way I look. I hate everything about me. But I want companionship. Then another day I visited a healthclub that Im paying $50 dollars a month for and havent been in 2 months, anyhow I said hi to 3 differnt women and 2 didn't even look at me and walked by and another one just gave me a hidious stare. The only one who said hi, is the girl behind the counter, but that is her job. I have even tried the online thing- but as soon as I start talking to them and they find out I still live at home they dont respond back. And the ones that do still talk, are fakers- they want me to send them money to russia or affrica. Then I get a call from one of a few friends that I ever had that I havent seen in over 5 years. He came into work and he found out I wasnt working and called to see how Was doing. It did feel good to hear from him, he said he got married and they have a 9 month old daughter. I felt very pleased to hear that he is happy with his life, but at the same time evil, jealous feelings overwhelmed me= I wanted what he now has. As my previous post spells out- I have always had trouble with socializing, with anyone. The only people who I ever felt comfortable talking too are the elderly. My sister who is 17 now, Im 26,(Ive been told I look way younger than Iam), has many friends and they have kindof adoppted me as a friend too. But one of them I have to be carefull of because she too, is depressed and she has a crush on me and recently she was alone with me in a room and she wanted to talk about sex. So I got up and left because I know where she is heading with that...and I deffently dont want to be on a sexoffender registry. So anyhow, I know everyone has his/hers problems, I just felt the need to vent. I also just posted in the dating shyness forum as shyness-socialphobia is what Im trying to beat. So I can have a normal life!

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So you have a roof over your head, you have all your limbs, you're still young and your mom cooks for you. Sounds like you have a lot to be grateful for.


If you stop hating yourself and focusing on every little negative thing, you'll probably be a lot more attractive to (legal) females. It's the age-old question: how can you expect someone to like you if you don't like yourself?

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Hey, don't worry about the girls that didn't say hello to you at the gym! Perhaps they had more on their minds or were pooped after their workout! Don't worry about what you 'look like', you are probably not that bad. I am one of those girls that does not talk to anyone at the gym, but find unique looking people different and definitely more attractive than those muscle bound freaks that work out at the gym. And by the way, i always look at the other guys (not the muscle ones), because i find them ore attractive. I do not necessarily talk to them, i just admire how they look. So, don't feel so bad.

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I usualy help people who feel bad by relating to them somehow. I have a great looking fiance, I don't work out, and I recently got better from being suicidal. All I can say is keep trying, there's a lot of people who care about you. Also, that one girl is 17! It won't be long until it's legal to date her and stuff. Just try your best to stay alive until you can date her if you really care about her. As for living with your parents still, don't worry about it too much. I am the type to live at home for a long time, but I hate my parents to death and can't stand being around them so I plan on moving out the day I turn 18. You are still young, life will get better, but only if you look at the good and not the bad. Bad stuff happens to everyone, only those who look at the bad let it get to them. If you only look at the good life will seem so much better. I care if you live or die, it would make me sad to know I tried to save your life and my efforts were in vien. Please, don't make others sad by killing yourself, you'll only end up hurting other people.

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Did you lower your dose of Seroquel? Being an anti-psychotic... it is a serious tranquilizer. 400mg is a recommended dosage. I take 25mg of it sometimes to sleep because I have insomnia and, when I wake up, I usually feel like I have been hit by a Mack truck... so I save it for weekends to catch up on sleep.


When you are on tranqs and anti-depressants, you can stop feeling the urge for *anything*. Listen to your doc... there is obviously reason for you taking the medication. However, make sure your doc knows about your lack of feelings... disassociation.


Keep us posted.

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