Where am I going wrong?

[Jlizzy]

Rather than focus only on the relationship at hand I now want to see if I can figure out where on earth I am going wrong. I am seeing some patterns emerging that I really don't like.

 

I was browsing through some other posts and I think perhaps one lesson is that I start off my relationships highly independent..and whlilst I never ever lose my interests outside of the relationship I'm beginning to wonder perhaps at the point when my partner complains about me not devoting enough energy/time/emotions into the relationship..I take this SO much on board that I become emotionally dependant and can't figure out how to roll it back!

 

My current relationship -it was PERFECT for 2 months.More than perfect. The love, the affection, the communication.

 

The messages I get from my boyfriend seem sometimes conflicted. Whether it's about plans, an issue in the relationship, or whatever it be.

I now feel like our relationship is like that of a couple together at least 4/5 maybe even 10 years as opposed to 5 months.

 

He regularly takes 6-10 hours to respond to my messages if at all. We don't have our long conversations about whatever the topic may be like we used to and I feel like he almost always has 10 things to do before we can have some proper intimacy. (Ie more than a little kiss on the lips but even just a bit of cudding up together is wonderfull!).

 

I've returned to a point I once knew before in my life of questioning myself. Am I being reasonable, fair etc or not? I'm consntantly thinking about it and can't stop. And no I'm not as happy as I'd like to be.

 

I was supposed to move in with him someone soon and had to break it to him yesterday that I'm not feeling as sure as I'd like about this. He told me he doesn't understand what the problem is, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do and he didn't realise things weren't good. (Despite having had 2 or 3 other major conversations like this this month).

 

I'm highly confused and feeling at my wits end to be going back over stuff I thought I'd left in the past with my last relationship.

 

PLease give me some tips as regards to this relationship and particularly as regards to where on earth I might be going wrong in general!!

[talo]

was browsing through some other posts and I think perhaps one lesson is that I start off my relationships highly independent..and whlilst I never ever lose my interests outside of the relationship I'm beginning to wonder perhaps at the point when my partner complains about me not devoting enough energy/time/emotions into the relationship..I take this SO much on board that I become emotionally dependant and can't figure out how to roll it back!

 

Relationships can be entered into in easy slow stages or in big bites. Experience teaches that slow stages is the way to go. This way, one does not 'go too far' too quickly and 'miss something'. This obviates the need to 'roll it back'.

 

I've returned to a point I once knew before in my life of questioning myself. Am I being reasonable, fair etc or not? I'm consntantly thinking about it and can't stop. And no I'm not as happy as I'd like to be.

 

As seen here, it is not a matter of being reasonable, fair, but a matter of what you want. It is by going after what we think we want that we find/know what we really want.

 

I was supposed to move in with him someone soon and had to break it to him yesterday that I'm not feeling as sure as I'd like about this. He told me he doesn't understand what the problem is, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do and he didn't realise things weren't good. (Despite having had 2 or 3 other major conversations like this this month).

The fact that he is not listening is not a good sign. Above all else you need to honour your feelings.

 

I'm highly confused and feeling at my wits end to be going back over stuff I thought I'd left in the past with my last relationship.

 

PLease give me some tips as regards to this relationship and particularly as regards to where on earth I might be going wrong in general!!

 

The "going back over stuff" you experienced in a past relationship, indicates that you have gone too fast too far into this one and you are now wanting to roll it back. Going into a relationship is a staged experience. One needs to be 'comfortable' (honour feeling) at all stages, otherwise there arises a need to go back to an earlier stage.

 

Going wrong, is thinking that you can figure out what is wrong. It is this very trying to figure it out that is the confusion (the wrongness) you are experiencing. There is nothing to figure out, there are feelings to honour.

[Jlizzy]

Talo-VERY wise words on your part.

 

Are you a buddhist?

Thanks for your words. Very much appreciated.

 

Interesting how you mentioned that he wasn't listening to my feelings without me stating it. This is certainly how I felt. However, a day later, as he often does..he came back saying he'd been thinking and in the past week I seee some evidence of him taking my points on board...

[talo]

Thanks for the feedback Jlizzy.

 

Are you a buddhist?

 

I am essentially indefinable

 

Best wishes,