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i could really do with some help...please


welsh_lad
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Hi there all,

 

This is my 1st post iv just joined the forum after reading some of your post and felt that this would be the best place for me...

 

I'll just put it out there for you all. Iv just come out of a 5 year relationship with i girl that im so in love with, everything was going well in the start until she cheated on me with some guy. I found out off one of my best friends and was totally gutted by it, but after talking with her i desided to forgive and forget. our relationship was great after that we got on so well then 2years into it she desided she need what she called " a break " from everything so she dumped me and went and done her thing with her m8's again i was left totally gutted and helpless no one to turn too for help nothing!

 

after about two month of being apart i seen her out in our local club where she confronted me and said that it was the biggest mistake she ever made ect ect...because i love her so much i desided...again...to try and make it work, but within a week i found out that she had slept with another man, god knows how many times??? so i lost it, but just bottled it all up in side and eft it all there in the back of my head. thinking it would go away.

 

about a year ago people started seing a change in me i was getting nasty and snapping at everyone and taking all my troubles out on her. so she desided about 4 months ago that it was over unless she could see me making positive changes so i went and seeked councling and i have now changed my ways i feel so much better about myself and others around me!!! we started dating again. this was here choice because she didnt want to jump back into a full on relationship with me and then see me go back to my old ways, i know deep inside that ill never be that depressed and angry ever again( id like to point out that i was never ever physically abusive to her )!!!! just talked to her like sht, but she usta be the same and we argue all the time.

weve been going on dates and iv been really making a big effort 4 the both of us. like taking her to really nice places, over night romantic stayes in hotels...i even bought her sexy undies and stuff which iv never done b4...iv really spolt her and she said it felt so good bcos we lost the romantic spark.

 

but this past weekend i slipped up big style, i went back to a party at a friends house where i got chatting to this other girl, i was extreamly drunk and bcos the both of us got on so well we kissed. little did i know but my so called girlfriend was in the house too! this sparked a major argument between not only myself but my m8s too.

 

i know i made a massive mistake but it did feel right at the time but seing how it hurt her and the way she reacted it made me think about how much she means to me?

 

iv tried texting her on her cell (mobile phone) saying that im sooooo sorry and that it was a mistake but she said its too late and she's moving on and wants nothing to do with me? im in such a bad place right now and i have no one to turn to 4 help...i really love her deeply...can anybody help me where do i go from here bcos im hurting inside so bad.

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The nerve of her to say that it's over because you kissed some girl when she has repeatedly cheated on you. Neither of you are good for each other. She has been able to do what she wants with little to no regard for your feelings. Due to the emotional damage *her actions* caused you, you have had to go through a lot of personal work to deal with your resentment.

 

Now, you need to work on realizing that people that treat you like she does, don't love you. I don't know how much you love her versus how much you are just addicted to her approval.

 

I know it hurts. It always hurts when we are rejected. But, from your story, you should be the one who initiated the breakup and kept it that way. Even if you two were to get back together, it seems that something like this, from you or her, would happen again.

 

Let her go... you deserve better.

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First of all, welcome to Enotalone!

 

I think that it was wrong of her to cheat on you so many times and then the second you do it, she leaves you. But in a way, I don't blame her. Afterall, when you took her back, you chose to forgive her. You might never have forgotten, but you have to forgive if you want to take them back. And she's just not willing to forgive what you did.

 

But you know, I don't think either of you are good for each other. She disrespected the relationship so many times that it just seems like your relationship lost it's meaning.

 

I don't think either of you were 100% happy with who the other person was.

 

I think you need time to get over your pain. I can tell that you are hurting over this and I think it's time to let go of the idea that you and her should be together because no matter how many times you try, it's just not the case.

 

We will always be here for you when you need to talk.

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"We will always be here for you when you need to talk."

 

thank you that means a great deal to me, the only person ive been able to talk to was my councilor, im glad i got it off my chest and the advice is what i needed to hear i think...why does she keep on telling me that she loves me? is she just doing it to hurt me?

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she wants you maybe to keep that thought with you in your head to give you some hope and a way back into your life should she need it . but do you need it? . people who cheat dont think about you or what you will feel should you find out ,when they are intimate with someone else . it blows our world apart, that your world and your dreams may end and you may never recover .at that moment in time we were forgotten . its sadder than we could describe and hurts like hell mate. hell you forgave her things no one else would, she knows that and makes you some person doesnt it? by action by doing not just saying it, maybe she loves you but its not about words its actions that make you believe. like they say words are easy. actions are real, real life and get us through when people show they are there for us by doing . they are true friends and lovers in thought and in deed. thats what we need to make us whole.

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she wants you maybe to keep that thought with you in your head to give you some hope and a way back into your life should she need it . hell you forgave her things no one else would, she knows that and makes you some person doesnt it? by action by doing not just saying it maybe she loves you but its not about words its actions that make you believe. like they say words are easy. actions are real, real life and get us through when people show they are there for us by doing . they are true friends and lovers in thought and in deed.
"i love you but im not in love with you"
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the things is where do i go from here do i start dating other girls or just take time out to enjoy myself?

 

i know how i would feel if i seen her with another man now and i would really hurt and i think it would be the same for her if i done that so do i respect that and dont do nothing or do i???? i feel so confused right now, i really dont know what to do...i cant stop thinking about her!!!!

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when she says she loves you, it could mean she is just into the routine or is feeling guilty.

 

and after coming out of a 5 year relationship, the last thing you need to do is go sleeping with someone else, it may make you feel better but you will regret it.

 

you need to ask her whether or not she is willing to fight for your relationship, if she says 'i dont know' or 'no' then you need to tell yourself she just isnt the one for you, and move on.

 

and dont go and do no contact, it really wont help your situation, there are times when time alone can only be destructive. if both of you make a concise effort to make things work it will, but only if its what the BOTH of you wont

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What you do is just take time to become happy with yourself. You will miss her, but that's all part of the break up process. You don't need to start dating other people and you don't need to worry about what will hurt her feelings anymore.

 

If you meet a new girl that you think you might be interested in, then why not see where things might go? But until then, just worry about yourself.

 

Break ups are hard, but on the bright side they do get better! You will feel better, maybe not in a couple days, but I think in a couple weeks you will find that you are thinking about her less and less.

 

Just keep yourself busy. Go out with friends and have fun! Also, I think it helps to write about your feelings, so you can either write here or write in a journal or something..

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thanx all esp meow18, on a good note iv just booked a boys holiday to hawaii for 2 weeks on the 1st of november...think its about time, when we were together we only had one holiday in 5 years.

 

if forgot to mention that i started to see a major change in her after she came out of hospital, she had DVT deep vein thrombosis and was very ill, but like then i stayed there by her side morning noon and night evry single day until she came out, do u all think that this might have something to do with the choices she's made????

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It's hard to say why she made the choices that she did. Only she knows that.. or maybe she doesn't even know.

 

The point is, that's who she has chosen to be and you have realized that it's not who you want to be with. And that's all that matters right now.

 

That's great that you have booked a holiday! I hope you have a great time!

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thanx meow18,

 

iv got so many things going through my head at the moment and i really do miss her, every time weve broken up she's made me feel like it's my fault, okay this time it was as i was very foulish and i totally regret what happened. I think i'd feel a lot better if she would just give me time to explain to her about what happened and how i feel about her.

 

I've read a lot of post on here saying that NC is best is it?

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I think no contact is best. I really do think that it will help you get over her easier. Although it won't be easy no matter what, it will be easier when having no contact.

 

Exactly, no contact is battering my soul today but I know 100% it's the best option. Going from love to no contact is a son of a gun but in two weeks when people have partied and met someone new it will be easier!

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Well its day three of no contact and im busting to see and talk to her, for some reason i just cant control these feelings.

 

every second of the day shes on my mind no matter how busy im keeping myself she's there all the time...

 

I hope she realises that she's thrown away the best thing she'll ever have!!!

 

there's all those questions running through my head at the mo like, why, wont, what if and how

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im thinking of trying to get some clouser on this so what i was thinking of doing is sending her a text message saying:

 

R, I think we should meet up or have a chat about what you want and make sure that this is final between us.Craig

 

i feel that i need to do this so that i can try and move on if she does say it is final, okay it's going to be very hard to deal with that but i suppose we all have to go through it some time or another.

 

your thoughts on this would be a great help all...

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I don't think you should text her that. Because what if she says it's not final?

 

You already know that you aren't good for each other, so hearing that would only put you back where you started.. and you won't be happy with her actions in the relationship.

 

You need to stick to no contact. It's normal to have these kinds of feelings, but you also need to realize that you deserve better than what she had to offer you, and you definitely deserve more respect than that!

 

Loving and missing her is not enough to make a happy relationship..

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a little update on how things are going or not going for that matter...

 

last night i decided to send her a text to see if we could have a chat about what has happened between us, well she just replyed in saying "no, theres no point i want to leave it there now craig ok. no hard feelings."

 

its just knocked me for six!!! i text her again this morning and asked for all my belongings and went and picked them up...

 

when i was there i was very polite to her and just siad..." thank you for our relationship over the past 5 years, i wont forget it and hope you look after yourself."

 

so she said "yeah, it's a pitty it had to end like this"

 

i couldnt believe it, if thats what she was thinking then why didnt she give me that chance to talk to her then it wouldnt have to end like this!

 

im truly heart broken now!!! it's really getting to me and im having trouble holding back the tears and everything...

 

if anybody has anymore advice it be so greatful

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Sometimes you can't control the way a relationship ends. It was all on her and even though she wishes it didn't have to end this way, she knows it for the best.

 

You need to stick to no contact. Now that you got your stuff, you have no reason to contact her, so try to stick with it. I promise in a few weeks you will start to feel better!

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Hi welsh_lad,

 

Welcome!

 

Everyone here has their advice based on past experiences like yours as to what you should do now and move forward. We are all different, but have been through the same thing.

 

My opinnion.....

 

She isn't worth any pain. You will have pain, but she isn't worth it. Things now are up to you. I was the dumpee, but you know what, now I feel like the dumper. I realize that it would have never worked out between us. If she wanted to come back now, I wouldn't take her back. I don't want her either. The question is, how long did it take me to feel this way? And what did you do to get to this point?

 

I really didn't do anything, or as others have posted "nothing". Sure, we have been in contact (twice), but she always initiated it. I didn't have anything to say because when I left, I said all I needed to say. I just didn't hear what I wanted to hear at the time.

 

Hang in there; let us know how it's going.

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

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Thanx bcuzitwasfun for the advice, im so glad i came accross this place.

 

i am at my lowest well feels like my lowest and just dont know what to do with myself!

 

one of the biggest problems for me will be going out bcos we live in a very small town and everyone knows everyones business if you know what i mean? and the fact is if she does meet up with someone else which im sure she will or has then its going to be from here!

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Hi welsh_lad,

 

In my opinion, you have taken that first step;

 

i am at my lowest well feels like my lowest and just dont know what to do with myself!

 

When you think this, don't do anything stupid like I have done. Realize that this is it, it is time to move on. Do things that you want to do, not what you had to do because of your past relationship.

 

I live in a small town as well and I also have to work with her and her bf who use to be my best friend. I know that this really doesn't make you feel better at the moment, but I go through every day seeing them together and knowing that they've bought a house together. My point is, if I can get through it, so can you. It has taken a long time, but I am a better person. I have realized that the "inevitable" has happened and I left with my dignity. Guess what? Now everyone here at work and in this town are questioning her character.

 

Hang in there, it gets better. It's up to you how fast it happens!

 

Thanks,

bcusitwasfun

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can i be so bold as to ask how long did it take you to stop caring - i am in denial i am angry yet i dumped him - he forced me to couldnt make a decision everyone told me so but no i kept going - so i want to do nc no more heartache just move on- i need to keep busy not yearn for his voice

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great now there are romours that shes been sleeping with people behind my back, i dont know what to believe now this is hurting me even more now and i know it shouldnt bother me anymore but it does.

 

i made a mistake the other day when i heared of the news and called her to ask? when i did i just got

 

" i havent, but, if i did its none of your business now so get over it..."

 

so i said " why dont you give me another chance, just like i did for you in the past?"

 

she said..." i dont love you anymore " when she said this she was shouting and really having a go at me.

 

then she said..." if i had a little bit of love for you then maybe i would think yeah we could work through this but i dont!!!"

 

she made comments about me leaving her alone and if i see her out with someone else then i'm not to kick up a fuss cos she's moving on and so should i.

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