Need advice re my wife's bizarre behaviour PLEASE?

[Stambler]

Wow AssumeLove, very well thought out advice.

 

Would you mind reading my thread "Am I Holding onto False Hopes" under Divorce (not the one under Marriage LT Relationships, it's out of date). I think what you've said hear strikes a tone with my situation...would really love to hear what you think...

[CrazyBabe]

In my opinion, it could be one of 4 things.

1. She could be feeling insecure about her breasts or stomach.

2. She could be hiding hickies from some1 else.

3. She could be hiding signs of breastcancer, some women go into denial and try to hide it.

4. She could be self harming, this is probably the most likely, she doesn't want you to know shes unhappy in the relationship.

 

First try to get your hand under her top during sex, feel for lumps or hardness, this could rule out breast cancer. If she won't let you, wait until your finishd and tell her this is strange behaviour and your v.concerned, mention the things I've said ie is she self harming or insecure about her body. Nag until you get an answer but sound v.understanding and not angry.

[assumeLove]

Wow AssumeLove, very well thought out advice.

 

Would you mind reading my thread "Am I Holding onto False Hopes" under Divorce (not the one under Marriage LT Relationships, it's out of date). I think what you've said hear strikes a tone with my situation...would really love to hear what you think...

Thanks, Camber. I'll check out your thread right now.

[ozomega]

Assumelove,

 

You said, " Before you walk away from your three-year investment in loving her, becoming part of her family, planning the future with her, etc., take a moment to try something. "

 

I agree this would be good advice if I had walked away from her.

But I have NOT. She has literally WALKED AWAY FROM ME.

No explanation, no discussion.

 

She would NOT talk to me about this no matter how hard I tried.

I know her and she will NEVER discuss this, she is totally uncommunicative.

 

In the past I have asked her direct questions and been met with a wall of silence. I've learned it's a waste of time to even try to ask my wife an honest question and expect any response at all, much less an honest one.

 

As for the "three year investment." It's true I've invested a lot. But it'slike feeding dollars into poker machines and losing every time. Eventually there comes a point that the sensible person will cut their losses and stop wasting their time and money.

 

Her behaviour speaks for itself. Whatever the reason for it, her behaviour towards me is unacceptable-I'm supposed to be her HUSBAND and she knows I have always been supportive of her through thick and thin.

 

As for the attraction of this other guy (if it's true about him, and I strongly suspect it must be.) Maybe he's been flashing his money around, maybe she finds him more exciting, maybe it's just that he's someone new, who knows? But I do know one thing-it would be a miracle if he ever really cared about her as much as I do.

 

As soon as the "honeymoon period" is over between them he is in for a rude awakening. She will start to show her true colours, what first seemed like attractive mystery will start to look like devious dishonesty, like she is hiding something. She will eventually get bored and dump him just as she did me. If he's spending a lot of money on her he can't keep that up forever without running low on money. He will be expecting to recoup his investment, and if he feels he's not getting it he will get nasty.

 

Or if he really is so marvellous he will eventually get bored and move on himself. I am NOT "walking away" through NC. She has my number-if she wants to make an honest effort to communicate and the subject is how to repair our relationship...well she has my number! She walked away-remember that- NOT me. I am NOT going to chase after her and lose my last vestiges of self respect. I am going to maintain NC. And if she dosn't try to contact me and doesn't want to sort things out between us, good luck to her! I will be watching with interest from the side-lines when it all turns pear-shaped.

[Rabican]

I wish you the best man, really do. Nobody deserves that crap. Now if I were you, I would remove her, and any reminder of her from my life.... starting with all of her clothes, property etc. Id take every last thing she owned that she left in my house and put it on the curb outside.

 

She left, id simply tell her Im not running a mini storage where cheating wives can stick me with all of their discarded property

 

Id probably get sued for this, but man would it feel good to set all of her stuff on fire.

[assumeLove]

What your wife has done is incredibly disrespectful of you. It makes a lot of sense that you don't want to contact her right now. You need some time to regain your bearings.

 

All I'm saying is don't write off your marriage yet. If you love her as you claim, stay the course a little longer. Wait at least a month or two for her before you harden your heart against her to protect yourself. None of what you've presented sounds like a woman who's moving forward toward something new, leaving behind the old. She sounds much more like a troubled woman uncertain of how to fix the problems in her life and trying the stupidest approaches she can find (cutting, having an affair) to deal with them.

[ozomega]

Disrespectful is right, Assumelove. In fact that's exactly what my wife's friend said about my wife. She said, "Your wife has no respect for her marriage."

 

Rabican - you know what? Today I took a lot of my wife's most valued (and visible) things out of my house and put them in the boot of my car (she doesn't have keys to my car)-clothes, shoes, etc. I did this BEFORE you even made the suggestion. I'm not game enough to actually burn the stuff or throw it away-that would be opening myself up to possible problems. I just don't want her stuff in my living space right now. I'm also afraid she'll come home whilst I'm not here and remove her stuff without facing me. I think she needs to face me first and give me some kind of explanation. So you were right on the nail with this advice, Rabican, to remove all the visible reminders of my wife from my living space -that's exactly what I've done!

 

BTW I found out from my wife's friend that the reason my wife's ex-boyfriend dumped her (they were living together before she met me) was that she CHEATED on him with one of her other friend's boyfriends and my wife's boyfriend at the time (whom she idolised by all accounts) found out about it. His reaction? Threw all her stuff into the gutter and refused to contact her after that! I guess some people never learn...

 

And aparently she was devastated after that, desperate to get back with him but he wouldn't have a bar of her after that.

 

My wife had been engaged to her ex-boyfriend, and after her ex-boyfriend found out about her infidelity he is quoted as saying, "I couldn't make a commitment to a girl like that."

 

Smart guy. Wish I'd known about this sooner. It seems she met me shortly after he dumped her - "on the rebound."

 

Assumelove - My wife is going overseas in just over 4 weeks time.

I don't have 2 months to work this out, I only have 4 weeks max from Monday - IF she's ever coming home and IF she'd planning on ever coming back from overseas.

 

She's going to her home country for a visit, she says for about 1 month - but it's a 1-year changeable date ticket.

 

I think if she was planning on returning here she would be pretty stupid to be treating me like this. Oh - and I know the flight number and date, I was with her when she purchased the ticket, so if I don;t hear from her before then I could just go to the airport to say "Goodbye and don't ever bother coming back."

 

Oh-and I've had a few beers tonight - very hard to maintain NC after drinking a few beers, but so far I'm successfully fighting the urge to sms her!

[g44]

help

 

too many games and vague comments when real life is so much better

 

i will always love u

 

goodbye

[texami]

ozomega... it sounds like you are getting your resolve and coming to terms with taking care of YOU.

 

she did abandon you and your marriage... in my view you have that as evidence as to what she is contributing to the situation.

 

best of luck to you... you deserve better, and it sounds like you really believe that!

[ozomega]

Thanks Texami!

 

I can't express how much it means to me to have the support of people on this forum.

 

BTW I have successfully maintained NC for the 2nd day, still haven't heard from my wife and my resolve has never been stronger.

[texami]

that's great!!

 

all this stuff coming to light has to have your head spinning, but i do admire your "calm, cool, and collected" attitude. i know how shocking this stuff can be when you are in the midst of it, and it really is impressive to see your strength right now.

 

hang in there

[Rabican]

I personally wouldnt give this girl a second chance... she screwed around on her ex, and now you. This is beyond a simple fling too, she has gone above and beyond disrespect with you.... way beyond.

 

But if you do want to give her a second chance, I would leave a message on her phone, or email whatever.. and tell her that if things are not resolved before her trip then when she returns her stuff will be in storage. I would pay for one month of a mini storage, and then after that let her handle it.

 

I wouldnt give her a second shot as is, but I would certainly NEVER EVER give her one if she takes that trip and makes you sweat over this for months to come. Id load up her stuff and drop it at a mini storage, and then file for divorce. Just make sure you get all your ducks in a row for that one, any proof that you can get as to her behavior, cheating etc. should go a long way to make sure she doesnt end up taking YOU to the cleaners in a divorce.

[ozomega]

Thanks. Great advice.. No more chances, not that I think she would ask for one anyway.

 

I'm now 2 days into NC.

 

Woke up this morning to find I had a 'missed call' from a private number at 3.27am. The call would have diverted to my voicemail after 5 seconds but nobody left a message.

 

That's a very strange time for anyone to be trying to call me and I wonder if it was her checking up to see if I'm still around. But I guess I'll never know. Can't think who else would be trying to call me at that time of the morning though.

 

If she wanted to contact me she could send me a text message or leave a message on my voicemail.

 

I haven't received any text messages or voicemail.

[vesper]

hi ozomega! .....

 

How ya doing?? Keeping up with NC ok?

[ozomega]

Hi Aminae,

 

Yep I'm keeping up with NC.

How about you, any news from your husband?

[vesper]

Yes, he came back home last night after being away for a few hours. He came home and then left and then came back and then left and the third time he stayed.

 

I stayed in our bedroom and did not say anything when he got home. I just did not say a word and then he walked in and just looked at me and then walked back out into the living room. Eventually he came back in and wanted to sleep with me in our bedroom and today we had sex, but Its still not OK! You cant just act like that tell someone you want out and then pretend like nothing happened??!?!!

 

We tried to talk about it but its just back and forth. Its complex.

 

 

[ozomega]

Aminae, I feel for you.

The most amazing thing about this forum is finding out that other people are having the same kinds of relationship issues as Oneself... I am asking myself, "Why can't people just be nice to each other and treat each other respectfully and with consideration for each other's feelings? Why can't people just be loving towards each other?"

 

But I guess the first person to ask these questions over 2,000 years ago was crucified for it...and not much has changed in the area of human relationships since then!

 

I'm glad your husband came back but I ave to ask myself why did you have sex with him if he's treating you like this? Don't you feel like he's just using you? Are you feeling like changing the dynamics (you said, "it's just back and forth', so not much is changing)

 

Here's an idea-next few times when you're "with" your husband refuse to take your top off like my wife did. Wear it in the shower also. THAT will definitely get him thinking! And when you finally do take it off there will be nothing there to see...!!!???

[vesper]

Ozomega,

 

You bring up some very interesting points here. Its like this. I felt awful today and I just wanted out. You are right I should not be treated like this.

 

I came home tonight after running and he was home waiting for me. So went into our bedroom that now has my home office in it and started working.

 

Then he came in and started to give me a back massage and I got really upset and told him to go away. Like what you are saying how can he be affectionate after we just had a fight?!??

 

BTW ( We slept in the same bed together last night but nothing happened )

 

Ok, So we get in this huge argument about how he invaded my space well its more like he tries to act like nothing happened and show affection and I cant return it to him when we just had a fight last night right???!???

 

Ok, so then we continue fighting about how I never show him affection and he is tired of me not showing him affection and he wanted to know when I am going to start showing affection.

 

I said that I had just got back from jogging and was sweaty and that I have to feel relaxed and happy to be all affectionate, especially not right after he basically yelled at me and told me that we should get a divorce.

 

Ok , so then I said how do you want me to show affection like this? He was lying on the bed chest down and I jumped on his back and held him really close and I said like this? and he said, YES like that!!

 

Then we went to go get some dinner and I said we should just split because we are obviously back and forth like this and I cant find any sort of peace with this.

 

We talked about my meeting with my friend for lunch today downtown and generally how are day went and the state of my business and then we just started fighting with each other and going at on the drive back !!

 

 

 

On the drive home we were yelling back and forth and I told him that he should just go be with his friends and he called me a s word and kept doing it and I called him a name back j and so we come home and still yelling and then we just start laughing and he grabs me and throws me on the bed and just starts kissing me like crazy and I kiss him back and ......yes it was nice....

 

Now he is sleeping in the other room in the couch. So what am I supposed to do??????????????? Should I get out of this relationship????? I dont know the answer honestly. I love him so much but I cant stand this back and forth feeling.

[ozomega]

Whether you decide to continue this relationship is a decision only you can make.

 

I think that the fact your husband still wants you to show him affection is a good sign. If you want to improve the relationship try showing him some affection back instead of holding onto the anger (justified though it is) regarding his behaviour.

 

At least you get to have some great 'makeup sex.'

Since my wife started to withdraw it's NEVER been good-and I was trying so hard to be nice and avoid any arguments that might otherwise justify her withdrawing her affection from me. SO our situations are different in some respects, similar in others.

 

But as a man, if I were your husband, I would be hurt at the withdrawal of affection. Men don't tend to link the fact they've had an argument with their sexual affections in the same way women do. Men need affection to feel loved, and I think that, as a man, giving and receiving affection is most likely his way of expressing and re-affirming that he does still have feelings for you regardless of the disagreements you may have had.

 

According to 'Men are from Mars Women are From Venus', men are like rubber bands-they pull away and then snap back. When he was giving you a back massage it was his way of showing you he had 'snapped back' after withdrawing to his cave for a while, and he was ready to give and receive affection again.

 

Women are like waves. Your wave had crashed-you weren't ready to give or receive affection at that time that his 'rubber band' snapped back. He felt rejected, you felt, "How can he try to be affectionate and act like nothing's happened after putting me through all this?"

 

If you want to save this relationship - and only you can answer that - don't push him away-make the effort to show him affection and he will start to feel the relationship is getting back on track. And you might be amazed how he starts to be more appreciative of you if you take this path.

 

I think from what you've told me that your relationship has a much better chance than mine does of improving and getting back on track. I don't believe that infidelity is an issue in your relationship. I think he still loves you too.

[vesper]

 

Here's an idea-next few times when you're "with" your husband refuse to take your top off like my wife did. Wear it in the shower also. THAT will definitely get him thinking! And when you finally do take it off there will be nothing there to see...!!!???

 

that's really strange behaviour....

[vesper]

Dear Ozomega,

 

Thank you for your post, I just noticed that you had replied to my long post and just had a chance to read it.

 

Its good to hear it from a mans perspective how you see things regarding this affection and equating it with sex. I can see how he would have acted the way he did after the way I reacted to the back massage based on what you have told me about men and affection. I guess I should be able to let go of thoughts and just show him that I love him pure and simple.

 

"Since my wife started to withdraw it's NEVER been good-and I was trying so hard to be nice and avoid any arguments that might otherwise justify her withdrawing her affection from me. SO our situations are different in some respects, similar in others."

 

I think the thing I can say about what you have written here above is that even if a conversation that you start turns into an argument, it needs to happen instead of you trying to be nice to avoid it.

 

Trust me, she will not leave you for being passionate, angry, hurt, sad, fearful and loving and showing these emotions. She will leave you in the end for being too nice.

 

She is probably acting strange because maybe she feels like she cant get into an argument and have that make-up sex?? Maybe. Its really up to you to decide if you want to open up.

 

Infidelity could really be a deal-breaker for many but for some they decide that their love and commitment to each other is greater than that and work through it.

 

Don't ever think that you don't have a chance at making it a good relationship. It will ultimately be your choice to decide if you would be willing to take her back...Because trust me, she will come back to you eventually.....

[ozomega]

Hmmm...interesting thoughts, Aminae.

 

I'm 2 1/2 days into NC now and haven't had a single message from my wife.

 

You said, "She is probably acting strange because maybe she feels like she cant get into an argument and have that make-up sex?? "

 

This is an interesting theory. However, it is my wife who can't handle talking things through, it's my wife who can't handle arguments without holding a permanent grudge. Trust me, when my wife first started turning cold on me over a year ago now I used to show passion, anger, hurt and all those other emotions and she is still blaming me for that. There was NEVER any "make-up sex" in our relationship! An argument was always the signal for her to withdraw her affections as "payback" for arguing with her. So now I try to avoid arguments like the plague.

 

Only time will tell if you are right about my wife coming back to me.

I'm not prepared to accept her back if she continues treating me this way. But I doubt she will come back - she certainly doesn't seem to be in any hurry to contact me - if she cared you would think she would at least make some effort to send me a message to see if I'm OK. She's a typical Leo so she's probably too proud to contact me first, even if she is wondering why I haven't been in touch.... I guess she might be thinking "whoever blinks first loses"-if she's even thinking about me at all?!

 

I've finally had enough.

 

You said she will leave me for being "too nice."

Well she doesn't like it when I try to discuss anything with her and she doesn't like it when I'm nice, so what do you suggest??? Anyway looks like she's already left me.

 

For now, NC is my only option.

[maasikus]

I think she is super mean. She does not deserve to be with some1 nice as you seem to be. Do you know where she is? Like, is she on some business trip that you are aware of? Or did she just leave you wondering when she said "See you on Monday". I would say if the latter is true, she can't just come back on Monday as if nothing happened. Maybe she needs to give an explanation for her behaviour. It pretty much looks like she has already moved on... If that's the case, as her husband, you need to be atleast "told" what the status of the relationship is. This is ridiculous. If I were you, I would not put up with this and tell her she needs to grow up and discuss the situation like an adult!

 

Also start collecting proof of her wandering ways (if it is true). Atleast incase of a divorce, she can't rob you of all your money.

[ozomega]

Thanks Maasikus,

 

No there was no explanation, just "See you Monday OK?"

I said, "Monday? Why?" and she walked off.

So you can see, I asked for an explanation and an explanation was not forthcoming.

 

I'm on my 4th day of NC now.

 

You are right that it's ridiculous. But if a person wants to behave this way

what is a person to do? I can't force her to behave in a mature respectful way if she just refuses to.

 

In a way I HAVE been 'told' of what the status of our so-called 'relationship'

is - she has told me non-verbally through her behaviour towards me. To hear it from her in so many words and also an explanation would be nice though. I can only think she doesn't HAVE a REASONABLE explanation.

 

For some reason I would find it a lot less hurtful if she just came out and

told me straight "I've got a boyfriend. I love him and I'm spending the long weekend with him" or something like that. It would be hard to hear but at least it's closure.

 

Just walking off like that with no explanation is the most disrespectful way out-she doesn't have to face me with the truth but I'm left having to deal with it all on my own and not knowing why.

 

As for gathering proof of her wandering ways...good idea but I guess the only way without 'stalking' her is to write it all down contemporaneously-which I guess I am doing right now on this forum! Here's my 'contemporaneous notes' right here!

[maasikus]

You mentioned age difference between the two of you. How much is the difference? Have you been married long?

Also, can you think of a reason why she is still married to you while she is almost so openly cheating on you?

 

I think, she thinks that you will take her back no matter what. Maybe you have sent such signals in the past? I am just trying to make sense of all this.

 

Either she enjoys cheating(she has apparantely done that to her ex) or she likes torturing you. I will be honest with you. I think it is both.

 

And the key here for u is not to show any vulnerability to her. Infact, if I were you, I would tell her that she better tell you whats up or face the consequences like showing her the door. She cant have the cake and eat it too.