What makes a person relationship material?

[Closure]

Mine is definitely bigger than those three but probably shorter than 13.

 

Dang at all you picky people!

 

Still, if it works for you that's great by me!

[NJRon]

What if it doesn't work for me.. as it obviously hasn't?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Dang at all you picky people!

 

Still, if it works for you that's great by me!

 

haha, yeah, hot people who I have great chemistry with is great and yes, I don't want to date someone I find unattractive, but I'd like them to also be a couple of other things too. Like not a druggy, not an alki, not a father, not a jerk, not overweight....stuff like that....hey, maybe too picky but I do think it's reasonable.

[Closure]

What if it doesn't work for me.. as it obviously hasn't?

 

Revert to me list, it's easier to remember and you'll have more sex

[Closure]

haha, yeah, hot people who I have great chemistry with is great and yes, I don't want to date someone I find unattractive, but I'd like them to also be a couple of other things too. Like not a druggy, not an alki, not a father, not a jerk, not overweight....stuff like that....hey, maybe too picky but I do think it's reasonable.

 

Druggy, alchololic, parent (which I think is a bugger of a stipulation btw), jerk, overweight is pretty much about wavelength and outlook....

[NJRon]

What does being a parent have to do with current wavelength? Perhpas that should be a separate stipulation... doesn't have children.

[NJRon]

Otherwise.. sounds like you are looking for some hot chick that's great in the sack and.. oh yeah... other cool things...

[Derge]

Im not being funny but and ill bring this into the open this whats on the inside malarky means nothing to me. It makes you believe that pretty girls are nasty and less attractive ones are the nicer ones as though life has a balance.

Im afraid it doesnt the top 10 most * * * * *y girls I have ever met have not been attractive most of them build up an anger for there lack of a relationship or self esteem. I will not go out with someone I am not attracted to and see no point in lowering my standards as the physical will not be there.

If your not attracted to your partner in my opinion youve settled for less and you miaswell be gay and go out with your best guy/girl friend cos your into the same hobbies.

controversial I know but I think ive hit the nail on the head you can not lower your standars without selling out your chance of being with someone. Think of this look at someone you find not particularly attractive in the opposite sex then imagine if you were the opposite sex equivilant. Yes its scary you know theres no chance in hell for them and maybe that person is you i.e ME.

 

My writing style is poor but think about it!

[NJRon]

Who says attractiveness isn't on anyone's list? Who says that appearance preferences are the same as attractiveness?

 

All I say is, if appearance that's the *only* thing on your list, you might as well be blind, because you will spend a lot of time chasing tail. And, if "attractiveness" is the only thing on your list, then you may never realize *why* others are attractive to you and *why* you keep repeating the same patterns over and over.

 

Think about it!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

What does being a parent have to do with current wavelength? Perhpas that should be a separate stipulation... doesn't have children.

 

Were you asking me, or Closure?

[NJRon]

I need closure.. can you provide it?

 

Sorry... Seriously though.. I was asking closure...

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

It makes you believe that pretty girls are nasty and less attractive ones are the nicer ones as though life has a balance.

 

I must say I agree with this. Same applies to men too of course. I often hear people say, "I'd rather have someone who's a good person, than someone who I find attractive." Well, heck, I personally would rather have both. And no, it's definitely not true that people are either attractive (to the beholder), or a good person. I've also known plenty of men and women who I didn't think were all that attractive, but who I found to have unattractive personalities as well, and vice-versa.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I need closure.. can you provide it?

 

Sorry... Seriously though.. I was asking closure...

 

Ah...cool..that's what I suspected

[NJRon]

I must say I agree with this. Same applies to men too of course. I often hear people say, "I'd rather have someone who's a good person, than someone who I find attractive." Well, heck, I personally would rather have both. And no, it's definitely not true that people are either attractive (to the beholder), or a good person. I've also known plenty of men and women who I didn't think were all that attractive, but who I found to have unattractive personalities as well, and vice-versa.

 

Great. You both have those *two* things in common... congrats. Does that mean that you two should strike it off together? What is attractive to you? What is Attractive period? Who is good? Does being good preclude being attractive? Perhaps, when given the choice, poeple would be more inclined to go with one or the other if they couldn't have both... I rarely find those that would forsake one for the other as a life mission though.

 

Attractiveness is entirely vague as it is composed of too many numerous elements, which are also so specific to the individual, and makes a nearly moot point. "Looks" are more culturally defined, making them a bit more concrete, yet there is still a surprising amount of leeway.

 

I think people need to focus on the elements that they know they *need* and that the can't live with first... the attractiveness, follows. If a certain amount of looks are required for you, then so be it... But to base that vast majority of your requirements for an appropriate life partner on physical characteristics and a certain... je nais sais qua...

 

Well.. that just doesn't work. I mean.. maybe when you are 17 or early 20's and just going through, having fun. But when you become serious about a life partner selection... it just doesn't cut it. Who wants to waste their time?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Eh...I think most of us are evolved enough to overlook a certain amount of physical shortcomings, and hopefully realize that we most of us have our own, too. But I've met a couple guys with great personalities, who I wasn't the least attracted to. And also, I've met a couple guys who I was quite attracted to that had crappy personalities. Happily, I've met guys who I found myself attracted to who also had decent personalities. Those have been boyfriends.

 

Obviously, attractiveness and opinions of what constitutes a good personality are pretty subjective. Which would be why I phrase it "who I was attracted to", rather than "who was attractive".

[NJRon]

Right.. and while looks play a part in it, I assume that looks are merely one facet of attractveness and that you are only, truly attracted to a person based upon the sum total of their looks and character qualities.. in the end which comprise this ambiguous thing called "attractiveness". Thus.. a lit that mentions "Looks hot" and "attractive" and "has good qualities" is really pointless.. because all three are really jsut one.. "attractive" and, in the end, that will get you in trouble with ambiguous decision making choices.

[talo]

Interesting topic "attractiveness".

 

What is 'attractive'? What is unattractive?

 

If I look closely, oftentimes, I find the things that I want, that I am attracted to, I really do not want or need, especially after I have 'got' them. And the things that I do not want, the things I am repelled by, I need in order to appreciate what I have.

 

So, with this realisation, what am I really attracted or repelled by? My own thoughts.

[NJRon]

Ineteresting... I'm most often attracted to who I want to be and repelled by who I was... to place it on a personal basis. But, in another... there are particular qualities that I am attracted to and not attracted to... and some that I am attracted to I know are bad... so that's a red flag... some I am unattracted to are good... so that's good. So, I need to make a list that is not made up of what I like and dislike about myself.. but what I know is healthy in conjunction with me...

[talo]

Ron, aren't you essentially saying the same as I am here, ie that you are attracted and repelled by your thoughts. eg:

 

Ineteresting... I'm most often attracted to who I want to be and repelled by who I was... to place it on a personal basis.

 

"I want to be", a thought construct? "I was", a memory, a held thought construct?

 

But, in another... there are particular qualities that I am attracted to and not attracted to... and some that I am attracted to I know are bad... so that's a red flag... some I am unattracted to are good... so that's good.

 

As seen here, qualities are values, thought constructs. Held thought constructs being held values or held beliefs. Good/bad is putting value (thought) on (prior) thought.

 

So, I need to make a list that is not made up of what I like and dislike about myself.. but what I know is healthy in conjunction with me...

 

As far as mental health goes, do you mean a list that is neutral about yourself. Wouldn't this be a blank list? Any list being a list of thought constructs?

[NJRon]

Ron, aren't you essentially saying the same as I am here, ie that you are attracted and repelled by your thoughts.

 

If you take what I say and fit them into your viewpoint of thought constructs, then effectively anything I say can be what you say. In the end, though, I'm not saying what you are saying because we are saying different things.

 

You believe everything is just a thought construct, I can see the value in that. However, if it were merely that and, thus, an artificial construct with which you viewed the world, then, at any point in time, the world is the same, and I am the same... only the construct is different. If that were the case, I would never actually be changing which, in effect, may be true in the sense that you are always what you are in the present, since the past and furture don't actually exist.

 

Howeverthe present is different at any particular time and, thus, While the thought construct changes, so too does the person creating the thought construct. So, it is not quite the same

[Batya33]

I think it's striking a balance between fun/flirty/feminine and being quietly assertive including as far as insisting - without speaking -on being treated with respect and like a lady. I have heard more than once from men I have dated that the way I carry myself and present myself makes it clear that I am relationship material - or - at least not one night stand material. It was always said as a compliment. Several times on a first date or second date I've been asked pointed questions about my goals in a marriage, what kind of engagement ring I would want (hate that question - I have no interest in that topic - borrrriiiinnggg). etc I used to joke "men don't want to date me, they just want to marry me."

 

I am not "gorgeous" by any means. I do carry myself with confidence and when I first meet a man I will be friendly, I am very feminine but honestly I think I have an approachable almost innocent face (I've noticed that women tend to open up to me quickly too) so that as long as the man isn't drunk, he may flirt back and make it clear he is attracted, but in an appropriate way. Men typically don't curse in front of me or treat me like "one of the boys" but at the same time I am treated like I am intelligent and they are interested in my career/profession.

 

When I did on line dating I made it clear that i was looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage and family. If I am not sure if the man is on the same page, I ask him questions about his family because that gives me a clue to what he thinks in general about marriage. I might mention a wedding I am going to or the volunteer work I do with children. I would not go out with someone more than 4 times unless I knew that in general marriage/family was a goal (obviously I wouldn't expect any specifics as to whether I was that person!)

 

And yes I do dress in a flattering, feminine way but not in a way that screams "sexy."

 

Not sure if this was helpful - it's worked for me (well, it "is" who I am so it's not much work!)

[NJRon]

I think it's striking a balance between fun/flirty/feminine and being quietly assertive including as far as insisting - without speaking -on being treated with respect and like a lady.

 

I think that fits into my thought construct

[DN]

off topic posts removed