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Complicated situation... need advice


sleepmonster
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I'd like to start out by saying PLEASE, I obviously know what I'm doing is wrong but if you're going to preach or be judgemental, I don't want to hear it. I want advice on how to deal and what to do, even though I think I know in my head what I should do.

 

Currently, I live with my boyfriend who I've been with for 6 months (we moved in after 3 months due to circumstances in both of our lives). This all started a month ago when I began working at the Head Office for a comapny I've been with for years. An email was sent out by an HR Manager about something that I volunteered to help with, but due to my other job's schedule I ended up having to back out... which is why I emailed him back in the first place. Him being in HR started asking about me, what other jobs I was working, where I came from, how I was liking the new job so far. The emails persisted all the time... sometimes up to 50/day, just getting to know each other. The fact that I even had a boyfriend had not yet come up in conversation. I never lied and said I didn't have one, he didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer the information. A week later, he calls me after his workout after work, says he was talking to my boss, then proceeds to ask me about my lovelife, where I did tell him I lived with my boyfriend, however things were not going well, and hadn't been going well for some time. I haven't been happy since before we moved in together (which I know what my first mistake, but we live in an expensive city where finding a place to rent is even difficult).

 

Another week later, we decide to go out for drinks together on Friday. We talk a lot. He confesses he's been with his girlfriend for 9 years, and they own a house together, and things aren't going well at home for him either. So we're both KIND OF in the same position, his obviously much more serious than mine. This ended up bringing us closer though, because we knew what each other was going through, and we provided friendship for each other.

 

Another week later, we are going for a walk in the park after work on the Friday... keep in mind our age difference has come into effect here as well.... 7 years apart. Not that it's really an issue. Anyway, he pulls me in for a hug... and kisses me. And I kiss back. We start spending more time together and talking more about what this is, where we want it to go, and why we're doing it, and what we're going to do about our significant others. I had already decided long before I met this guy that I needed to leave my current boyfriend, but couldn't due to rising rent costs, and our lease, etc. I'm $30000 in debt because of school already, so I don't have much choice. And he has no where else to go either. I told my boyfriend I'm very unhappy, and nothing is changing.

 

Another week later, things are progressing emotionally and physically, and more feelings are obviously starting to get involved on both ends. I keep telling him my mind is made up, it's up to him, and he keeps telling me it's going to take a while which I completely understand. They own a house and a lot of things together.

 

A few days later.... we're at volleyball practice (we play on our company's team together) and he's acting really odd... and we go out for a drink after and I ask him to talk to me, because we have a great friendship base going on. He takes my hand and promises me we'll still be friends, and hopefully continue what we've started so far... but he needed to tell me something. Why I didn't see this earlier is beyond me, I know, I'm dumb, and I'm beating myself up about it. He starts talking about his girlfriend, because I asked if things were starting to get better between them as they went out to dinner together the night before. He said the dinner was awful.... he said he's been living with her, but he hasn't actually been WITH her for a long time now. He said at the very beginning of May, they filed for divorce.....

 

My jaw dropped to the ground. I was shocked. I was mad. I was confused, angry, hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and betrayed. He was asked on a few different occasions "What's the most serious relationship you've been in" - his answer: I was engaged before his current girlfriend. I asked why they'd been together 9 years and never took it that far. He said they weren't even engaged. His friend told my friend when the 4 of us were out together once that he was married. I said no way, he's just been with her so long he's just "practically" married. We called him later that night and asked because I wanted to prove to my friend it wasn't true. He said 100% not married. 2 days after that, we were talking about it and he actually said "I'm as close to being married without actually being married"

 

His excuse is that all of those questions were asked within the first 2 weeks... before anything had happened between us. He wasn't sure this was going anywhere at that point. And due to some discussions we were having at the beginning, he knew it wouldn't have gone anywhere had I known he was married and going through divorce. That's too much baggage. But now the feelings are there, and I was more than willing to deal with his baggage... his girlfriend, and everything involved in the break up. But now it's his wife... there's no children involved. But he lied to me flat out.

 

Yes, he fessed up and he's been nothing but apologetic and is vowing to do anything it takes to earn my trust back because he so badly wants something to work between us. He says I'm definitely not a rebound, which I'm a bit sketchy on too. I'm sure I'm leaving out a bunch of details, so I'll add those in as they arise, this post is already way too long.

 

I'm just hoping someone could shed some light on this situation for me. Again, I'm not looking to be bashed so please don't reply if that's all you're going to do. I just want some advice, or past experiences. Thanks everyone.

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I want advice on how to deal and what to do, even though I think I know in my head what I should do.

 

What do you think you should do? Especially given these new developments: finding out he has a wife

he has lied to you and told you outright it was so he could trick you

 

I have certain thoughts on what could help, if you'd like to get out of this web.

Would like to hear what direction you're thinking of going though...

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I know in my head I should leave. The lying was a complete red flag. And I know he didn't do it to hurt me. I'm attracted to him because he's everything my current boyfriend is.... and everything my current boyfriend doesn't give me. My boy never ever wants to get married, never wants kids... so basically, what we're doing right now, living together.... is it. It's not going further than that, which is another thing that frustrates me about that relationship.

 

But back to the other guy.... like I said... flat out lying - red flag. I should leave. But I also want to see how he thinks he can earn my trust back. That's the heart talking. Damn emotions.

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I am not sure why you are surprised? If he can cheat, why would you think he would not lie? Secondly what is the big difference between living defacto for 9 years and being married? How does being married change what's going on discernably?

 

Seriously, if you are going to play in this sort of field you have to expect deceptive and opportunistic behaviour. It sort of comes with the territory. I mean if you think he has lied big time to you, what about the lies he must be telling his wife? What about the lies I presume you must be telling your b/f.

 

If I were you I would tell him it is me or her. And I'd get out of the situation with your b/f. Otherwise you'll have to get used to a life of these sorts of issues and I doubt that will make you happy.

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advice not bashing.

 

Drop the co-worker, hes a liar, a cheat, and who knows what else. 9 years and hes building at the very least an emotional affair with you, and some physical cheating (kissing, what else?) Can you say karma.... 9 years down the road you will be his girlfriend, sitting at home wondering why your man is 'working late' on a saturday night and his cell phone isnt picking up.

Get transferred to another dept, or office or whatever at your work so that you are not working around this guy all the time. Id really question the value, and motivation of his 'friendship' not to mention that you should be keeping work and love life separate.

 

You owe it to your boyfriend to at least be honest with him. If the relationship isnt working, tell him you are done and find out if there is any way you can still live together as friends or roomates... just to make rent if nothing else. But dont lead him on with a false relationship if you know its already doomed. Its not fair to him, i dont think you would appreciate it if the situation were reversed.

 

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

 

Just get out of the whole situation.

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First, you need to tell your current boyfriend that the relationship is over. If you want to stay with the co-worker, go for it, but know what you are getting into. If you think he is going to make you happy, then take the chance and see how he will regain your trust. You know what he did was wrong, and you know what you are doing is wrong. Everyone can tell you (even yourself) that to be with this guy is wrong, but you have to find out for yourself. You never know, maybe you will prove them wrong.

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Wow...situation sounds familiar..lol except for the fact that in my situation, my guy was honest about marriage from the start and I was not seeing anyone else myself. HMMM...this is a hard one since I am in a similar situation

 

I cant give advice on exactly what you should do, however, I want to suggest reading a book called His Needs Her Needs..it is awesome and I think that maybe it will shed a lot of light on both of your relationship situations.

 

When an affair happens it usually happens because one person or both people arent filling our emotional needs and when we need these needs sooo much and someone else comes along and begins to fill that need that isnt being met by the other person, then we tend to start spending more and more time with them until we are attached, in love, etc. to them. Sometimes its only a matter of telling your partner that your needs arent being met and exactly what you need because often your partner hasnt got a clue that you need it because they cant read our minds.

 

If you love your boyfriend and he loves you then perhaps you can talk to him, tell him listen, I have these needs and you werent filling them so someone else has been and im sorry, I love you and I want to be with you but before we can make things work we have to start fulfilling each others needs, etc...if he loves you and wants to work on the relationship then he will agree...and you guys should go to counseling. If he doesnt want to work on things then well...that is your key out of that relationship as you are obviously not happy anyway.

 

With the other person, it will take a lot of time, and you will not be able to trust him completely until he shows you the divorce papers are final. But you will be with him anyway because when you are with him you dont think about there being anyone else but the two of you and you are happy and in love because he is filling those emotional needs that you bf isnt. You always have to face the reality if you continue to see him then one day he says hes decided to stay with his wife..then you will be devestated.

 

I know it is hard and to me it has been impossible...but if you want to be with this man and he wants to be with you then dont see him or talk to him until he has visual proof that his divorce is final. I know that wont be easy ..trust me i know. But this is all something that none of us on here can help you with. My post for my situation is on here under "The other woman" so you can check it out if you want. I had a lot of people being judgemental of me and you will too. Just be strong, follow your heart. We go through things for a reason. I wish you well.

 

God Bless.

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