I feel like I can't breathe

[Nikki23]

Hey everyone, I wrote a thread about posting a letter, I know it was a mistake but I did it. He is reading it now. I know I'm not going to get back together and I think he has met someone. I'm just right back at square 1, I went against everything that is said here and just dug myself into a hole.

 

I'm just crying and crying, I miss him so much and I want him back! I can't deal with this acceptance stage and I feel like I can't move on, I can't get him out of my head. I thought I was a stronger person than this but I've just made myself look like an idiot!! This is just such a dreadful feeling and I want it to go away! I wish that film 'Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind was true', he was my first love and I can't imagain not being with him, it's killing me, how can he have just moved on and left me forever!!

 

Just needed to rant, I've done this to myself, I've brought myself back down and thanks to everyone who's took the time to help me. In a new place and still finding my feet so it's really good to sound off and get advice when everyones a bit sick of hearing about my dilemmas!!

 

Love Nikki xx

[NJRon]

Ehh... I'm not sick of hearing of your delimmas. Maybe a little frustrated because I see the pain you are going through and wish I could ease it... but, sometimes, we must do the things we feel we have to do and learn from our own personal experience. Advice doesn't always help.

 

Now that you are at square one... you can go through some more squares, knowing you have already been there and they actually exist. I hope that gives you confidence that there are even more *squares* out there... that you can't even imagine being at... that will be much better.

 

I know you are in a lot of pain right now. Let it out and experience it. Purify yourself so to speak. It will all be better. Try to get some rest and things will be clearer.

[25thfloor]

oh nikki, i'm so sorry. i've been broken up for over 3 months now, and i just made a fool of myself today also. and i've been strong, and i am strong, and i did it anyway. like njron said, now you know all the squares. just start again. you'll go through them quicker...and i'm right beside you! i'm in the same outdoor social group my ex is in, and i just had to say something about a football game we are all attending this sunday. i couldn't just run into and say hello...no...i had to send a stupid email and say 'why haven't you responded to my messages about the game?' and he write back....'i'm keeping my distance from you'....ouch...he broke my heart, and now i'm the one trying to make everyone social situation comfortable. geesh...do we ever learn. nikki...you hang in there....we should not care less what they think of us. we are not longer responsible for them.

[NJRon]

we are not longer responsible for them.

 

A mantra to repeat...

[kaoticbaby]

hey...youre not alone in the way you feel (my bf, first love, first everything) of a year and a half broke up with me a few weeks ago. i admit i didnt read all of your posts, but he screwed with my head saying he wanted to get me back when he really didnt and the works. it was reaallyy hard to get over....after all the things he said to me about wanting me forever and me being his only love, he was then telling me "he didnt think i was his soulmate" and "he didnt know how much he loved me."

 

i couldnt eat for days, i lost weight (and i was only 110 lbs to begin with), i felt like i was dying... but you know what, it does get easier.

 

the funny part is now he is the one that keeps calling, the tables turn after you show them you can live without them (i just started college on tuesday and he's been dying not knowing who ive been meeting.)

 

moral of the story.. it gets easier as more time goes by. at first, of course, i did the whole pleeding to get back together thing.. but it didnt work. we broke up because we faught too much, and neither of us will ever change, we are who we are.

 

move on, meet new people. ive been having so much more fun now that i'm free to talk/hang out with whoever i want instead of having someone around that constantly brings me down. and in reality its only been 3 weeks since we broke up. ofcourse i still think about him, ofcourse i still miss him, but ive been making so many new friends while reconnecting with many of the others. its a good feeling to see how many people really care about you, after being tied down to one person for so long.

 

you may think "but she must not have felt the same about her bf that i did" trust me... i loved the guy with all my heart, did backflips for him, gave him everything....but it obviously wasnt enough. so at that point, you think "wow.... screw this guy, i deserve better." you get angry, you think about all the bad times (NOT the good times), and you realize that you can take the relationship as a learning experience. now i know what i want in my next relationship (which will not be for a WHILE.)

 

good luck with everything, message me if you want to talk, i have plenty to say about breakups.

[blender]

Nikki, as I posted in your other thread, it's "OKAY' that you sent the letter, it's done, it's okay... you have been always willing to forgive the ex, so start today by FORGIVING YOURSELF, what you did by sending that letter is just part of the process of letting go....

 

sure you might wish you didn't send it, but you did, and it's going to be okay, for today, just cry, cry, cry, and come here to talk, you will rise above this pain in time, you will... we've all done that "re-acting to our pain" type of thing by sending a letter, or calling, or whatever the "momentary attempt at contact might seem to relieve us of"...

 

but it doesn't matter, this is just a "hurdle" for you and emotional hurdle and you will get over it.. you will.... just hang in there, breathe.. let go.. and know that fate has a plan for you, and it will be a better future than you can even begin to imagine right now... I am so sorry you are hurting, but your here, you starting to receive guidance, and you're now in an emotional place to accept the advice.. and that's good, that's progress. and remember it's about "PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION"....

 

We're all here for you, you will survive and thrive...

[Lonely in San Diego]

Nikki

 

I know what you are going through. I am working on day 3 of NC and I too feel like I cant breathe at times. Think positive thoughts, its okay to cry tp get it out of your system but make sure you bounce back into reality. Remember every tear you cry is not cried in vain, it is cleansing you emotionally and at the same time it makes you stronger. So dont panic, this will pass....that is for sure girl. Keep your chin up.

[Nikki23]

Hey guys, thanks so much for your support! It's soo lovely that you all rally in to help someone you don't even know!

 

Got a surprising text back though. Not going to get my hopes up because I think I have sent the letter too late (even though I thought I shouldn't have sent it at all!)

 

'I just read your letter, I feel really confused and like I said before your timing couldn't be worse because I've met someone and I am happy but you've got an emotional hold over me and I find it a touch strange you choose now to bring up how you feel. I need time to think about what you've said because I'm gonna be hurting other people if I did get back with you and that's not fair. Give me a few days'.

 

I realise the response is probably not going to be what I want but I'm actually just glad that I know that he isn't totally over me!

[NJRon]

WOAH!!!

 

Move on now!!!

 

OMG! It's the best time. Don't dilly-dally... move on. You already said you didn't listen to our advice and felt heart-broken.. well... listen this time...

[Nikki23]

Why do you say this NJRon? xx

[NJRon]

Your XX makes my heart Pitter-Patter... sweets on you!

 

Ok.. if you break his post down in to small sentences... let's see...

 

"I just read your letter, I feel really confused and like I said before your timing couldn't be worse"

 

BAD

 

 

"because I've met someone and I am happy but you've got an emotional hold over me and I find it a touch strange you choose now to bring up how you feel"

 

EVEN BADDER

 

"I need time to think about what you've said because I'm gonna be hurting other people if I did get back with you and that's not fair. Give me a few days"

 

Don't know what he wants... BADDEST!

 

 

help at all?

[Nikki23]

I understand what you're saying! And if this had been a normal relationship where he just went off me or didn't know if he loved me anymore I would agree! But I was very immature and inexperienced in relationships, it was a fiery relationship to say the least, and moved to another country as soon as we split up. I knew after 4 months he probably would have met someone. I can see myself why he is wary, I was when he asked me back after the first month and said no.

 

I realise his answer will probably be no and that will be the push I need to move on and that his text is not very encouraging!! I'm going to be heartbroken I know it, I'll just see what happens though xx ;0) just for you!

[NJRon]

Ohh! You see it all yet you don't respond. You hang on to romantic happy butterflies when all that really exists is a rotting corpse infested with maggots... squirming to take hold of your flesh.

 

You are a poetic girl.. you have the opportunity to lend a beautiful glow to this tragic affair.. which it will be... you can make it more or less... but it will be tragic...

 

You don't understand.. you think you are more mature now.. but you aren't. You will become soon... it will take pain. We will be here for that.. but you are too bull-headed to actually back off. Good for you.. revel in the pain you deserve it.. the good and the bad...