Is this normal?

[kkkiran]

Hey guys,

 

I'm new to this forum. I've seen some great advice given here, and would love feedback on my situation. I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 8 months. Things have been going great: we see each other regularly, talk regularly on the phone, and he tells me that he loves me and feels good about our future together. I am 26 and he is 27.

 

Well, I did something bad. Out of curiosity (he has done NOTHING to make me mistrust him), I logged onto his e-mail. I found out that recently, he joined an online friends network site to connect with some of his old college buddies. Everything was OK, until I saw that he had sent some messages to random girls, saying things like "cute smile" or "wanna chat" or "let's get to know each other, e-mail me".

 

This is what he sent to one of the girls ... some of the other messages were more into becoming friends and chatting:

 

Hey,

How you doing? Wanna chat sometime? My e-mail is email removed.

Thanks,

XXX

 

I didn't admit last night what I had done; however, I did ask him if everything was OK in our relationship and if he was happy. He said everything is great, nothing has changed or happened, and he still saw a future for us.

 

We have decided to take things slow, and not make the big marriage decision for another year, while he figures out whether or not to get his MBA, etc. I'm ok with our discussions and everything is fine in that regard.

 

What should I do? This is killing me inside? I know I can't admit my snooping in person, so should I send him an e-mail confessing what I did and leaving the ball in his court?

 

Thanks!

Kiran

[chai714]

Kiran,

 

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

You never suspected your boyfriend was untrustworthy in the past, so why, out of curiosity would you snoop? I'm not sure.

 

Those messages he sent may or may not be innocent. He doesn't seem to be actively pursuing these women whatsoever in my opinion.

 

Doing things like this can sabotage your relationship - especially if you're doing them to fulfill your curiosity. Stay away from his personal emails and don't tell him about this. Respect him and respect your relationship by trusting him.

[Siriana]

Hm, I don't send to unknown guys messages do you want to chat etc. because I have a bf. Now if these girls are his collegge friends I don't think it's a huge deal jet.

 

Does he want for you to wait another year to finish his MBA or to make a decision is he going to start MBA. If it is the latter, what if he decides to start MBA. It takes some time to finish it. So it's not a year of waiting it is at least 3.

[kkkiran]

Thanks Chai for your prompt reply. I think I just have trust issues, stemming from past bad relationships, and I am just curious, by nature. I guess I just wanted to see what was up in his world. This is a stupid reason, but I'm afraid that my emotions have no logic.

 

You are right. I have to stop. But, now that I know he wants to chat with other girls, I can't. I'm afraid of losing him, I'm afraid that it will turn out that those messages aren't so innocent. At the same time, I trust when he told me last night that he still loves me, sees me in his future and everything is fine.

 

Thanks for your take; I guess admitting now what I have done would make me look worse than it makes him. He is merely chatting with some girls, possibly friends. I am invading his privacy. I am posting on ENA to get my feelings out, since I do not want to talk to my friends about what I have done, and what I have discovered.

 

Another thing is, that on his website, he has his relationship status set to "single". The options are: single, committed, married, open marriage, open relationship. And he says that he is only looking for friends. If we are not engaged or married, I guess he is single.

 

Like I said, I'm mostly here to vent. I love him dearly, and if I don't get this out here like this, then I am afraid I would do it in his presense.

[kkkiran]

Syrix,

 

No these aren't his old college buddies. They are just some random girls. I understand if it's old people he's looking to reconnect with.

 

He actually does want to get his MBA. He already has a job where he works 50 - 70+ hours / week (unpredictable), but he does make time to see me at least once a week and we talk on the phone 4 - 5 times a week. I am OK with this level of communication. He has said that if he starts his MBA, he will become even busier, and a marriage on top of that will be hard. He wants to start his MBA first, get in the groove of it, and then get married.

 

Mostly, I'm just disturbed by these random requests for chats, nothing else in our relationship.

[NJRon]

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me as if he is trolling for others. The combination of sending out messages to chat with random women and not publicly stating his relationship status is a huge red flag. You have every right to be suspiscious.

[kkkiran]

any other opinions? DN?

[kkkiran]

Oh no, I have to stop ... but he just sent another one:

 

Hey XXX,

I was going through your profile and I must say you look good in those pics. I live in XXX and if you have soem time go through my profile. Just wanted to see if you would be interested in talking to me. Thanks.

XXX

 

What to do? What to do? Should I just tell him what I've done and confront him, cause I don't think I can deal with this anymore ... Thanks ...

[DreamsCometrue]

Hey, I'm guilty of the same thing. A few months ago my bf was using my computer to check his emails, I was at work, and when I came home, he had left the browser open. Right there in the wide open was everything. Of course curiosity got the best of me and I glanced at a few things, and I've felt guilty for it ever since.

 

But in your situation, since he was sending emails to random girls, I definitely wouldn't forget about it, just put it on the backburner for a while. If it's nothing more than harmless talk, I wouldn't worry about it. More than likely the 'chatting' won't last very long. If you suspect him of actually meeting up with one of them, then I would start getting concerned.

 

But that's just my opinion, everyone has different views on things, so good luck with whatever you do, and I hope everything gets better.

[NJRon]

Hey XXX,

I was going through your profile and I must say you look good in those pics. I live in XXX and if you have soem time go through my profile. Just wanted to see if you would be interested in talking to me. Thanks.

XXX

 

That's not "just interested in chatting" talk... that's trying to arrange a hook up. How can he be saying he still sees a future for you two and then be chatting up random chicks on the Internet? It's downright deceitful.

[Siriana]

I am suspicious. I don't like it. It's random girls. I don't agree that it is just a trust issue. I would confront him about that. Who cares if you spied on him via net. He is at least wishing some excitment in his life if not having another girl.

[Rabican]

Why dont you just casually ask him if he ever talks to other girls when he is online. Or what he thought about either of you contacting people online... just bring it up casually and see what he says.

 

If he says, no id never do that... you have a problem because you know hes lying. Maybe he will be open about who hes talking him.

 

Right now it could all be innocent, so I wouldnt jump to conclusions yet, but keep an eye or ear open. Dont be paranoid, but dont be blind and dumb either.

[bigheart09]

I would just ask him point blank if he is interested in seeing other people. You dont have to tell him that you checked his email. Also, dont check his email anymore. You wouldnt want him to invade your privacy.

[kkkiran]

I never mentioned that I read this e-mail this weekend; however, I did bring up our relationship. I asked him if everything was going OK, and if he was happy. He got concerned over my questioning, then asked me if I were happy, and told me that he was really happy and saw a good future for "us". He also told me that he loved me very much. We spent a lot of time together this weekend, and he was so caring and loving and held me a lot of the time. I really felt that he was being sincere during our talk.

 

Since my last posting, he has not written to any more women, and he also hasn't gotten any responses.

 

I really do hope all of this is in innocent fun. You are right, I really should not be checking his e-mail, since that is invading his privacy. I am so hypocritical, but I would probably get really angry if I knew he was reading my e-mails.

 

I also mentioned that an old flame of mine had messaged me recently. He was a guy I had dated very briefly before I met him, and he knows about him. I told him that he thought I had a cute smile and that I still looked good. I asked him what he thought about me responding, and, at first, he was like "so what, he's being friendly, respond back". After I prodded him a little, and purposely made him a bit jealous, he was like "no, you are my girlfriend!" Hehe.

 

I think things are going really well, and I am not going to try to worry about this too much. I will keep my eyes and ears open; however, I'll try not to keep them too open, to the point of continuously snooping.

 

Thanks for all your help guys!

Kiran

[Azual]

Keep us updated Kiran. We're here for you!