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Did I say the wrong thing?


zebra
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Alright, so my boyfriend has been in Iraq for a year, and unfortunately we had a bit of a falling out a few weeks right before he came home. A lot of misinterpretations and letting stress get to us, but he came home over the weekend and I drove down to welcome him home. Things felt a bit strange at first but the attraction was still there and we were overjoyed to see eachother. While he was over in Iraq he made it clear to me that he didn't know what he wanted to do when he gets home and didn't know if he could be with me because he just wants to get back to normal civilian life. I felt comfortable with that because I can't possibly understand what he was really feeling and going through at war.

 

Well the first night we were alone in bed I couldn't sleep because I wanted him so bad because it had been so long. He couldn't sleep as well, so I initiated the fooling around. We didn't have sex, but we did our fair share of canoodling. The next couple of days we really weren't acting as a couple but still getting along great. And we fooled around a few more times. There was no talk of us being together, and I was beginning to wonder whether this was going to be the extent of our relationship because he wouldn't tell me what his feelings were about me.

 

Tuesday night we layed in bed and talked a little bit about why we fought when he was away and he asked me again if i had cheated on him with anyone. I told him no of course not. Which is the truth. I asked him if he still loved me and he said, "of course I do." There was a bit of silence for a few minutes and then I let my arousal get to me and started going at it with him again. In the morning I dropped him off early for class and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Things felt really great.

 

Yesterday was the day I left, but we were able to spend some time together after he got out of class. Things felt more awkward than they should have been because I let my fear of being used get to me again. We had a few beers and watched some porn together and I gave him head. And then we packed up and met his mom for lunch. I was pretty buzzed at this point and started wondering again if he really cared or just was taking advantage. I never thought he was the type to do that, but we had so little affection outside of fooling around I was incredibly scared.

 

I decided to speak up and told him that I enjoy fooling around with him but I don't think we should continue to anymore if we are not together. His face turned cold and he didnt even respond. I asked him if he was mad and he said, "I don't know what you want me to say." We had a very awkward drive to lunch and didn't speak at all. I didn't really get to have him alone anymore after this because his mom and I had to get on the road to drive back home. I got him alone for a minute and he told me, "i dont know why you would say that, its so embaressing." That was all he said to me. His mom came over and we all said our goodbyes, and he gave me a quick hug and went the other way.

 

I texted him shortly after I got in the car and said, "I would we could have left on better terms." He responded with, "right." I got a text message about an hour later after I had sent him repeadeted messages trying to explain myself.. and he said I really hurt him. I finally got to give him a quick call at a rest area and he was crying and asked me why i had said that, and that I did it on purpose just to hurt him. He said he opened up to me sexually and I just used it against him. I tried telling him that I was just scared because he wouldnt tell me how he felt about me. And he said, "I was finally able to feel comfortable being with you again, why did you have to say something like that? Do you think I only like you because we fool around? Why would you think that?" And I just told him I have no idea of knowing that because he wouldn't open up to me, so I was just scared. He told me to forget it, and I tried to tell him how much I care about him. He hung up on me right after I said I love you.

 

We haven't talked since. I wanted to give him some time alone, before I make another call. I don't want him to think that I think he would use me like that... because I don't think he would, I was just scared because of things that have happened to me in the past. I sent him one more message that said "we are both just so afraid of getting hurt."

 

I don't think I was that wrong in what I said, but I do think I jump to conclusions way too fast with things. I do want to be with him, I just wish he would have told me how he was really feeling so I wouldn't be worried about if he cared or not. Is this my own personal dilemma with trust?

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Well, zebra,

 

I must look at this from both sides,

 

And what I see is that you wanted to have sexual contact with him,

 

But you were concerned about where you stand with him,

 

Not knowing if you are exclusive, "together", etc.

 

He just got back and was in isolation from woman for awhile in Iraq,

 

He seemed to be ready to open up to you,

 

But you were very uneasy not knowing where you stand with him,

 

I would sit down and have a serious talk with him,

 

You shouldn't have sexual relations with him or get near to doing so,

 

Without standing your ground and finding out where you stand,

 

The reason I say this is that you will come off as a "tease" if you start something,

 

And then ask how he feels about you in the middle of it,

 

It's not fair for either of you,

 

I will share some of my story to maybe draw light here,

 

My ex was in the armed forces for 6 yrs,

 

I would try to find out how he felt about anything in general,

 

But he would never open up,

 

And I always wondered if it was because of the armed forces,

 

That a part of him was locked away,

 

To this day, I know how many times he said "I love you,"

 

But I feel as though I never knew him as a person,

 

Maybe that's what is happening here, he has locked himself away,

 

And won't give you access,

 

But don't let any of yourself go to him until he gives you access.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

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May I suggest writing him a letter explaining to him your feelings? It sounds like the problem is in the communication due to your situation. Talking about serious matters over the phone is less then ideal. The great thing about writing letters to each other is that you can't be interrupted, and you can take your time and make sure you say what you mean.

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If I were you, I would have said what you said. However afterwards i wouldn't have texted him. Just relax, let him figure it out. You seemed to give yourself up, yet he didn't. Perhaps the war got to him, perhaps he was confused, either way its best to let him get comfortable and settle on his own first, then girlfriend 2nd IMO.

 

-ForAnother

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I don't think you were wrong in saying that to him. Afterall it was an honest concern that you had.

 

But I also think that there was major miscommunication between the both of you. To him everything seemed to be going well, but you were worried that he was only using you for sex. And like I said before, that wasn't wrong of you, I might have felt the same in your position.

 

Give it a couple days and then try contacting him. After a few days, you will both have time to think things through. And that way you can both clearly talk about it.

 

Just be honest with him. Let him know exactly why you felt the way you did.

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