My boyfriend snaps at me easily

[natalie121687]

Last night my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and I started laughing because one of the scenes reminded me of something that happened between us. He kept asking why I was laughing and I was just like "no reason, just because". Well he got ALL pissed off and told me I HAD to tell him and that I was really annoying. So finally I told him, even though it wasn't even a big deal, just the way he snapped at me really upset me. Later on I was talking about where he would want to live if we ever moved in with eachother......(not that I am planning on moving in with him, I just wanted to know where he would want to if we ever did).....He kept saying "the mountains" or "Ireland" and I kept asking him that what I meant was if we moved anytime soon and he just kept saying, "I already answered your question. THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER." So I got all pissed off because he knows for my job, I couldn't be in the mountains or Ireland and he knew I was asking where if WE lived together, like around the area we reside in which part and stuff like that. But he had to act all stubborn and tell me we were through talking about it. THEN today his friend got in trouble with the law and I told my boyfriend to be careful when he hangs out with his friend and he kept saying "DONT SAY THAT. THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER." And HUNG up on me! I don't get why he thinks he has the authority and right to end our conversations whenever he wants to. It really annoys me what should I do??????

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

People will treat you as you allow them to treat you, good or bad. So, when he acts up, tell him that you will not stand for it and when he is a better mood, to call you, you have other things to do. And do your own thing for awhile. Have you both been spending a lot time together lately? Like, every chance you have? Because I have noticed in my experience, spending too much time with another can cause fights and nit-picking. Perhaps you need a few days apart.

[natalie121687]

we spend almost every night together because we are both busy during the day. ive tried to not nit-pick with him but it seems nearly impossible. i guess spending a few days apart from eachother would be the best thing

[rmpavlock]

Whoa...I'm not a therapist or a counselor or anything, but from what I've read he sounds very controlling. The fact that he said "This conversation is over" is like warning bells. He's trying to control the entire conversation and what you can and cannot talk about. I would definitely take time away from this guy. You may find it more relaxing in the long run.

[poetsheart]

Sounds a bit similar to my ex who was very controlling, telling me the conversation was ending, didn't want to speak about things, don't bring up the past etc... it was all on his "terms"... He doesn't feel comfortable with the conversation you are having, so thereforeeee he's letting you know, don't go there.

[natalie121687]

Yeah he is always trying to control everything in the relationship. Especially what we talk about and when we can and cannot hang out. I'm going to try and ignore him for a few days and see if he can cool down about, he says he has been under a lot of pressure but it hurts when he can't talk things out rationally with me. Or when he decides to go to the bar instead of hang out with me because he's "stressed out".

[rmpavlock]

I was in a relationship not long ago and my ex would always try to control the conversation. He would turn his back on me and walk away when I was upset or would quickly change the subject or use these crazy quotations to make it seem like he was so much smarter and superior, and it would completely throw me off. It sounds like your guy is trying to control you in a similar way, by telling you what to talk about or when to hang out. You should have just as much say as he does. What he's doing is not right. It sounds like he's full of excuses. I'm not trying to bash the guy you're with, but the situation just sounds similar to the one I was in, and trust me...it only got worse from there.

[candy604]

yeah don't give him the power to get control over you. Just joke at him then, I'd tell him to take a " chill pill." Yeah it could be he doesn't respect you much so he just snaps at you ( or also to make himself feel dominate). Childish..so yeah just ignore him for a few days.

[ashleyann18]

Wow... understand that he treats you this way BECAUSE YOU LET HIM! Stand up for yourself. Because if you don't it'll only get worse. And honestly - is his behavior even attractive to you? I'd be very turned off if I were you.

You need to stay true to what YOU want in this relationship, and it seems like you've lost yourself somewhere along the way... Remember who you were before this relationship and try to get some of that back! That is who he fell in love with.

 

Know that the one who loves the least has the control over the relationship.

[NJRon]

If someone throws in your face the fact that the see a different future, they are telling you that they don't see a future together with you. If your dream is to live on the beach and they, instead, say that they plan on living in the mountains... as opposed to "wherever *we* end up being" or "Yeah, i could see us living by the beach... maybe not now.. but in the future" ... then... it is a big red flag. Akin to saying they aren't ready for a committment.

 

I agree. Stand up for yourself. He may be either testing you... or sincerely trying to let you know there is no future.

[natalie121687]

Wow... understand that he treats you this way BECAUSE YOU LET HIM! Stand up for yourself. Because if you don't it'll only get worse. And honestly - is his behavior even attractive to you? I'd be very turned off if I were you.

You need to stay true to what YOU want in this relationship, and it seems like you've lost yourself somewhere along the way... Remember who you were before this relationship and try to get some of that back! That is who he fell in love with.

 

Know that the one who loves the least has the control over the relationship.

 

that saying is very true. And your right, there are plenty of times i look back to when we werent together and how i was way more independent and how that has all changed into THIS.....I try to stand up for myself and it usually backfires. I feel like there is no way I can win with him because he is always one step ahead of me.

[rmpavlock]

People who are controlling like that can be very manipulative. Yes, I do think standing up for yourself is good, but if he's abusive he will not back down. It may even get worse. They are very good at turning your own words and actions against you. Often times if you get mad at an abusive person, they just get angrier at you and increase the tension. They want you to back down. It's the only way they have control. The way to not be treated like that is to not be around him.

[candy604]

instead of winning can you guys agree to disagree? so there's no loser or winner in an argument.

[candy604]

I agree with rmpavlock, people who are controlling, blame others and think they are right are very hard people to live with ( my dad is like that towards my mom).

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Simple. Dump him.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Also I agree with the other peoples. He's controlling. It seems it's his way or no way. I wouldn't be letting no man tell me "CONVERSATION OVER!" Uh uh. That's rude and disrespectful. Obviously if you feel the need to continue the conversation that means the issue, at least in your mind, is not resolved. If he cared then he would not abruptly end the conversation. He would make an effort to resolve it. Dump hiiiiiiiiim.

[Japanfreak05]

yeah my boyfriend will snap on me out of nowhere alot of times. I know how you feel. But we do spend alot of time together, so i figured that was the reason we were getting into it alot. So I went a few days without calling him as much, just waiting for him to call me, and sometimes when he did call i'd ignore it until he called a 2nd time. I don't know, it worked for me. Maybe there's something on his mind.....has he been stressed out? that could always cause an argument, cuz that happened to me last night. geeze guys do PMS hehe

[Sparkle]

Its very hurtful to be cut off in the middle of a conversation.

Especially if you feel that you BF has basically stopped validating your opinion.

 

I agree with the other poster that at times it feels like a challenge of who is right and who is wrong. It isnt important -but your feelings are.

 

You need to make it known to him that when he treats you this way that you feel disrespected. Regardless of what is right and wrong, your feelings are important. He doesnt have to accept you opinion, he may have his own, which is just as valid, as he is an individual. But it is how he goes about making you feel that your own opinion is important, even if it is different from his own, that IMHO distinguishes a boy from a man.

 

As Candy says, someone who hasnt learnt this lesson can be a hard man to live with.

 

We are all different. And we all have our own expectations of what is right and what is wrong -that is what makes us individual.

 

But - you do not need to accept his disrespect for your feelings. He needs to learn that you and he will not always agree on everything. But that he can still learn ways to show you that he values your input or opinion just the same, even if he doesnt go with it.

 

You must remember that he is always responsible for his own actions. Should he choose to go against your opinion or advice, well, that as an individual, is his right.

 

There is a difference between being a strong individual and an enabler.

 

You need to get out of this mode that he is in control of the relationship. It is not possible for another individual to control you, unless you let it happen. i.e. Say yes when you feel no, and no when you feel yes.

 

How about some assertive classes or online help with this?

 

Control is only in the mind of the controller.

 

You have free will to do what you please.

 

Another important aspect is expectations - you are feeding off him what you are expecting from a relationship, You expect him to behave this particular way and when he doesnt you are disappointed.

 

Think through what you want and expect from a relationship - work out what the most important things are to you. If he cant meet these needs, and you need to be clear about what you want, then ask him if he can. If he cant then move on.

[rmpavlock]

Yes, you have free will, but if you are with someone who is manipulative they are extremely good at getting you to think that what you feel is wrong. They are great at telling you your perception of what happened is wrong. I would recommend staying away from this guy for awhile and THEN seeing how you feel before you try to patch things up and make it okay. Don't let anyone tell you that how he treats you is your fault. No guy should EVER talk to you like that. It is NEVER okay.

[Clementyne]

I agree with jilligirl, people deal with depression and stress differently. Girls might cry and whine over their stress, however, some guys don't feel comfortable doing that, so they either get it out through anger or simply withdraw. Now I'm not saying that's the case with your guy, you know him better and you know if this happens on certain occasions or if that is just his nature. If it is his nature, you need to straighten things out or move on as other posters have suggested.