harmless flirtation??? how do i get the trust back??

[sweetp]

I have been in a long distance relationship with my b/f for two years now. We were so in love with each other but he decided he didn't want to have kids, which immediately ended our relationship. Our breakup lasted about 6 months and then he contacted me saying he had changed his mind and that he couldn't live without me...we've been dating ever since. Our first three months back together was pretty rocky...he wouldn't return my calls at times and he wasn't calling me like he did prior to our break-up. His behavior made me question his true intentions so during one of our visits I read his text messages and saw an exchange between him and another girl that made me question his fidelity. I brushed it aside because I wasn't positive about the context of the relationship even though it was questionable and between someone I had never heard him mention before. Since then our love for one another has gotten stronger, however, my mind continues to question if I can trust him. I have been cheated on before so I'm hypersensitive to it happening again. Just this past weekend I looked at his messages again for some reassurance and discovered some explicit messaging between him and a completely different woman. The context of the message involved a lunch date, a question if "sex was back on?", and him saying he was "pining" for her. I immediately confronted him about the messages and he denies that anything is going on...he claims he has no interest in this woman, that it's an inside joke between them, and that it's "harmless flirtation." He insisted that this woman knows all about me and his plan to propose to me. I am hopelessly in love with this man and want nothing more than to believe him, but I am also unbelieveably forgiving and can be gullable too. Given that I know this about myself I question who to trust -- him or myself?? I'm feeling desperate -- I almost called to woman today to see if she would be honest with me, but I didn't want to stoop to that level. Turns out my b/f already told her about the situation which I find somewhat suspicious since I most likely will never meet her. Anyway, I don't know if I'm being foolish for believing what he claims to be 'harmless flirtations' and I don't know how to get back the trust in our relationship. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Anna.]

It sounds like he's cheating to me.

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I am so sorry that things have been hard. To be honest, I think you gut was telling you something and that is why you checked his phone. If it were me, I would not tolerate such things. I would be incredibly hurt and betrayed if I found those kinds of texts in my BF's phone. Jokingly or not. There is no reason for those types of texts when a person is in a relationship. I would never ever dream of sending those kinds of texts to anyone while being in a happy and healthy relationship.

 

I feel he is not being totally honest with you. I would have to say follow your instincts on this one. Take care.

[craving_normalcy]

Of course he's going to tell you it's 'harmless flirtation'...do you really think he'd come clean after you saw a message about 'sex being back on?' HELL NO. He's not going to admit JACK**** to you! You had your reasons for snooping, so don't feel bad about that. I would call the woman and find out what her side of the story is - chances are she does NOT know about YOU and won't like to find out, but, neither of you deserve to be treated like that by a loser guy. It's hard because you love him, but it's not worth it to let someone lie and decieve you either.

[Rabican]

hes cheating, you caught him and hes only hoping that you love him enough to put the blinders on and buy his story about it being an inside joke between him and his mistress/ other girlfriend.

 

Cmon girl, do you really tell your guy friends so sex is on the menu for tonite when we go out? No you dont. Thats like walking into the police station and confessing to a crime you didnt commit. Its not something you do unless you are either guilty, or dumber than a paper bag full of nails.

 

You know deep down whats going on, so act on it. And for arguments sake, lets pretend he didnt cheat (which he did) he is still playing games, and acting shady enough that he has given you more than enough reason not to trust him... either one would be enough for me to warrant ending the relationship. But if you really want to find out, then get the phone # of the other girl and call her and see whats up.

[Azual]

Agreed. He's playing with your head, and you deserve to know what's really going on. As others have stated, the other woman most likely does not know about you. I'd drop this guy faster than a red hot coal on a summer day. The choice is ultimately yours, but my advice is to leave him.

[sweetp]

Thanks for all your feedback. In follow-up to your encouragment to contact this woman, my boyfriend told me that he informed the woman that I had discovered their exchange of text messages. So, I don't think calling her now will do any good. I find it a little suspicious that my boyfriend would even mention it to her in the first place...especially since he said that he's never hung out with her outside of work. He claims he told her so she would understand if there was any awkwardness on my part if we met.