What next?

[lonely days]

It's been almost 10 months since my breakup with my live in girlfriend of 5 years. I've come along way since it all happened but I am still somewhat lost as to where to go in my life at this point.

 

I have been in no contact for almost 4 months, I've been off drugs for almost 10 months, I am in better shape at 29 then I was at 18, I go to councilling once a week and participate in an EEG biofeedback program ( a non medicicinal form of treating depression), I have reconnected with friends and family, I read alot of self help books and I get out and enjoy myself on weekends but something still is not right.

 

Even though my ex cheated on me, she still seemed to come out on top, she got the house and all the household items, our beloved dog is with her, she got the car and a new boyfriend six months ago. Myself on the other hand is living with my parents, I am working a dead end job, my career is back in the area where we were living and I am lonely as I have ever been. It just does not seem fair, I am jealous of the fact that she is probaly very happy with my replacement and they are enjoying alot of the things I worked to get for myex and I.

 

I have met some girls and have had a few random hookups in the past few months but that just leaves me feeling empty. I am a fairly attractive guy with a big heart but I am definitely no push over and I can't seem to meet any cool girls that are into me and believe me when I say that looks aren't the only thing I look for. I am outgoing and friendly and have no problem approaching or talking to anyone.

 

I don't know what to do with my life in order to get any satisfaction, I am lonely alot of the time and I really got hurt with the way my ex ended things. I miss my old life and my ex/best friend. I know I need to make some big changes in my life but I do not know where to start or what I really want to do with my life. My options are endless and I don't know how to narrow it down to short and long term goals.

 

Don't get me wrong I am happier now with all of the changes that I have made, especially getting off the dope and I would not take my ex back if she begged but where do I go from here? how do I get over the feeling of betrayal and jealousy? and how do I forgive myself for some of the things I did in the relationship that helped cause it's demise?

 

Sorry for the long post but I would appreciate any feedback whatsoever!

[pacopaco]

hi,

 

don't really know what to say, but I can relate. It's been 6 months for me. she also cheated on me. we were together for 7 years, lived to gether for 1 1/2. sometimes i feel like you. I like to sit on my couch, it's now my couch, and just relax, and let the feelings just flow through me. take a deep breath. sometimes, it's all i can do.

[WalkingWithGod]

This might sound insane, but I actually got over my ex of five years by loving God. After my ex broke up with me about 6 months ago I just searched after God and quickly didn't miss my ex very much at all. I have just found that God has so much love for me that my girlfriend's love was very important. I have seen God's love through prayer, noticing his beautiful creation, and through the promises He has fulfilled in the Bible.

[talo]

I don't know what to do with my life in order to get any satisfaction, I am lonely alot of the time and I really got hurt with the way my ex ended things. I miss my old life and my ex/best friend. I know I need to make some big changes in my life but I do not know where to start or what I really want to do with my life. My options are endless and I don't know how to narrow it down to short and long term goals.

I have realised that what I really want out of life is my own satisfaction/contentment and this is my short and long term goal. I have found that I 'get' satisfaction/contentment by being satisfied/contented wherever I am. This is my practice. And I realise that when I am not satisfied this is a result of my own mental constructs.

 

I hasten to add that I do not always realise this.

[lonely days]

Talo, That is a great way to look at things. I have this quote written down " there are no ordinary moments " and I try and think that way but it can be difficult to always be in that frame of mind. It is something that I struggle with daily. I know that resistance creates suffering and my only problem in my life is my minds resistance to life as it unfolds. Now if I could only practice what I know, everything could be alright.

[NJRon]

Yeah, practicing what you know is tough. I run accross obstacles and set backs too. However, when I look at the progress I have made overall, how I have turned my life around, I get a great deal of satisfaction.

 

Allowing the success of someone else to drag you down is something you just need to let go of. I know that when there is a lot of hurt involved, you may still harbor that desire for satisfaction. Wonder where the justice is.

 

Sometimes the satisfaction comes from your own survival. Taking pride in overcoming obstacles and recognizing your own personal growth. That's something that no one can take away.

 

Just because someone seems to "come out on top" doesn't actually mean they do. The house, the boyfriend... whatever. Sometimes the one who comes out on top is the one who actually has to work the hardest. Living in the present is such an easy concept, yet very hard to practice if you aren't used to it. Change doesn't come all at once... it's incremental. By making small changes in a steady fashion, they are much more likely to become a permanent part of your personality... instead of bandaids that fall off the first time they get wet.

 

Keep up the good work you are doing.

[talo]

LD, you talk of struggle and difficulty. Do you realise that these are mental constructs? First one mentally constructs a situation; then one mentally constructs that this is 'not what one wants'; then one struggles with this and finds it difficult. What happens if one deconstructs the first mental construct? - Then there is no situation.

 

Knowing that resistance creates suffering is only part of it. Knowing that one is (mentally) creating the very situation that is being resisted is the rest of it. And this is the rest of it in the sense of putting it to rest.

[lonely days]

Good point Talo, How do you go about deconstucting the first mental construct or not even constructing it in the first place. How do you learn to take things in stride and live with a " it is what it is " frame of mind.

 

N.J Ron, I understand that it takes time and I have made some major changes in how I live and approach life in general. It's been almost a year and i am beginning to run short on patience for things to begin developing in my life and for my future. I guess I have hit a plateau in my personal growth and must continue to be persistent with everything i have been doing to improve as an individual.

[talo]

How do you go about deconstucting the first mental construct or not even constructing it in the first place. How do you learn to take things in stride and live with a " it is what it is " frame of mind.

 

Firstly LD I must say that I am impressed with the quality and courage of your questions. I will attempt an answer. Question and response is one method that can be utilised to deconstruct mental constructs. We are not aiming to construct here, but deconstruct what has already been constructed.

 

I started with meditation; this can be done formally of just 'when one has a moment'. One is basically watching or witnessing one's thoughts. In other words, gaining some separation between oneself and ones thoughts. Gradually (or suddenly) one can see that one does not have to, or need to, get involved with, or act on thoughts; ie, on any thoughts. One gets involved or acts on thoughts because one wants to.

 

In the paragraph above I have used the word "thoughts". I could have used the words "thought constructs" or "assumptions".

 

You may have noted that you define yourself as many things. Sometimes different things on different occasions. Here is an example of some from your first post on this thread:

 

I am still somewhat lost

I am working a dead end job

I am lonely

I am jealous

I am a fairly attractive guy with a big heart

I am outgoing and friendly

 

These are all mental constructs of 'who or what you are' and we generally flit from one to another (or sometimes get stuck in some) without realising what we are doing. What we are actually doing is creating who we are; we are defining who we are. Thought constructs are like costumes we put on and wear.

 

When someone calls one something that one do not think one is, this is the very act of not putting on that costume; ie one is not wearing, not being, that mental construct.

 

You are as you define yourself to be. You are your own creation. This is why it is so important to not think badly about yourself as thinking badly about oneself is the very creation of a bad self.

 

It may take some getting used to, but you are essentially undefinable. This is the 'state' of not constructing any mental constructs about yourself; not wearing any costumes.

 

Living in a "it is what it is " frame of mind is simply being (undefined). One is not even in a frame of mind. One is simply free of frames and one can watch people in their frames and join them in their frames at will, or not.