Best Friend vs. Boyfriend: Who's the victor?

[n0b0dy5f001]

Hello, all. The name's James. I'm new here. This is going to be a long one, so please bear with me. I'm desperate. I hope this is a good place to come for advice.

[Daddy Bear]

it is so not cool to deliver an ultimatum like that. Jenny must be really hurt. let's hope that Aaron realizes his mistake and changes his mind about keeping you from what sounds like a really great friendship. maybe he'll relent if you approach him about it in a calm way. good luck.

[Caine]

It's a tough one I got to admit, maybe you can do things separately with each of them, it sounds like Aaron is jelous of your frienship with Jenny and Jenny's jelous that Aaron has stolen you away from her too! they both want you all to themselves, Aaron is wrong for making you choose, your allowed to have your own friends and Aaron needs to understand that. Think of these two possible outcomes.

1) You ditch Jenny and stay with Aaron, maybe thing don't work out and you and Aaron split up, Jenny won't want you crying to her, you lose your boyfriend and your closest friend.

 

2) You tell Aaron to sod off, you lose your boyfriend, Jenny helps you get over it and you find someone else, maybe someone Jenny will get along with. Aftel all, they say partners will come and go but your friends are always there for you.

 

You might choose number one and you and Aaron stay together forever and your happy, but if you do split it's a worse outcome. Try this, write down the scenario yourself, then right all the possible outcomes, and then decide which one will go the best way for your eventual happiness.

[shes2smart]

My thoughts on friends vs. bfs can be summed up as follows:

 

My friends were here long before the bf du jour. They will still be here long after he's gone.

 

One of the things that was a big clue that my husband was a good match for me and vice-versa was the fact that we both passed the "friend test." My long-time friends all liked him, and liked us together...and his long-time friends liked me and liked us together.

 

When you start getting into a relationship, you portion your time differently, and most folks start spending less time with their friends and more time with their SO. Sometimes that causes some friction. If Jenny's reasons for disliking your bf and his reasons for disliking her have to do with that, then perhaps the situation can be resolved by talking to both of them and explaining how important they both are to you, and you want to have both of them in your life.

 

However, if Jenny's reasons for disliking your bf have to do with things like: she doesn't like the way he's treating you, or thinks you've changed in bad/unhealthy ways since you got involved with him, maybe you better give her opinion some thought. Invariably, when one of my closest friends disliked the guy I was seeing, there was always some good reason. In time, it would be a reason that contributed to the eventual break-up of those relationships. My friend disliked both my alcoholic ex and my cheating ex because of they way those two exes treated me. My friend simply said, "You deserve better than that," and my friend was very correct.

 

There are a couple of things in your post that strike me as things that could've been handled better.

 

First, your bf's ultimatum of "it's her or me." There's no way for anyone to win with that demand. It's also a bit of a red flag. There aren't enough details in your post to know if this is the case, but a classic pattern for abusers is to slowly isolate their victim by making them cut ties with those close to them like friends and family. Since you've only mentioned his ultimatum and your long-time friend's dislike for him, that's just a stab in the dark. I'd be remiss not to mention it, though.

 

Second, you said you cancelled plans with your friend to go home and be with your bf instead. How often does this happen? If it's a common thing, then your friend has good reason to be upset. While it's a natural course of events to spend more time with an SO and less time with your friends when you're in a relationship, it is not cool to blow off your friends to spend time with your SO. While you may see your friends less, it's important to honor those time commitments you do make.

 

In a healthy relationship, you shouldn't have to choose between a friend and SO, and neither your friend or SO would make that demand of you.

[kadvati79]

I'm gonna play devils advocate here, and root for Aaron. I think its possible Jenny is in love with you mate. It happens all the time. If I had a dollar every time a friend fell in love, and it caused craziness, I'd be a rich man. Well I suppose I DO have a dollar for each time... but thats another story.

 

Having been the "older guy" in practically every relationship, I can see a number of the issues he is facing with the whole parties thing. Its hard - there is a HUGE difference between 18 and 22. Now that difference works fine INSIDE your relationship, its great even. But outside of your relationship it can be like two worlds colliding. Unfortunately, your best mate (who possibly is in love with you) is collateral damage.

 

Ultimatums are simply emotions reaching a point where someone cant move forward. He has no "right" to issue one, but he is signalling an honest escalation of a problem that has been around for some time. He has sent a clear "I cant handle this" message.

 

Heres the thing about friends. To me, I don't owe my good friends anything except our friendship. We are there for each other when we can be, when we have to be. My friends understand that I cant be with them much because of my work, because of my relationships. My partner I OWE time too, so I MAKE time. Sure, friends are around longer than partners - but which do you want to try make work?

 

I dunno, its a tough one. I would explain to Jenny that you really want to make this work. If you really do that is. And if you do, you need to start defending Aaron. You cannot side with both of them on this issue. If you want to be with Aaron, and objectively you dont have a problem with his behaviour, then you need to get Jenny's support. A true friend sticks with you no matter what, even when you put your chips on the table for a guy who it doesn't work with.

[Daddy Bear]

I think its possible Jenny is in love with you mate.

i don't think that's it, ice. don't overlook this:

At the beginning of our relationship, Jenny was really rooting for Aaron.

 

 

A true friend sticks with you no matter what

couldn't agree more...

[n0b0dy5f001]

However, if Jenny's reasons for disliking your bf have to do with things like: she doesn't like the way he's treating you, or thinks you've changed in bad/unhealthy ways since you got involved with him, maybe you better give her opinion some thought. Invariably, when one of my closest friends disliked the guy I was seeing, there was always some good reason. In time, it would be a reason that contributed to the eventual break-up of those relationships. My friend disliked both my alcoholic ex and my cheating ex because of they way those two exes treated me. My friend simply said, "You deserve better than that," and my friend was very correct.

 

Although Aaron isn't cheating or an alcoholic, I do believe that some of the reasons you mentioned attributed to Jenny's disliking Aaron. He "stole me away" from her in a sense. Jenny was all I had in the world until he came along... he just doesn't care. Since she doesn't like him, I'm not supposed to have her as a best friend.

 

It's also a bit of a red flag. There aren't enough details in your post to know if this is the case, but a classic pattern for abusers is to slowly isolate their victim by making them cut ties with those close to them like friends and family. Since you've only mentioned his ultimatum and your long-time friend's dislike for him, that's just a stab in the dark.

 

I can understand how I presented this and didn't give enough details, and I apologize. Aaron isn't abusive in the slightest. He's really one of the most sweet and caring people I've ever met. (Well, outside of this..)

 

Second, you said you cancelled plans with your friend to go home and be with your bf instead. How often does this happen? If it's a common thing, then your friend has good reason to be upset. While it's a natural course of events to spend more time with an SO and less time with your friends when you're in a relationship, it is not cool to blow off your friends to spend time with your SO. While you may see your friends less, it's important to honor those time commitments you do make.

 

It's not often that I "ditch out" on Jenny because it's not often that we see each other anymore. The last two times in the last month that I've tried to see her though, Aaron wouldn't have it. He'd get angry.

 

Ultimatums are simply emotions reaching a point where someone cant move forward. He has no "right" to issue one, but he is signalling an honest escalation of a problem that has been around for some time. He has sent a clear "I cant handle this" message.

 

And that's just what it was. It's been escalating for some time, but deep down something's telling me that it just wasn't right. I don't think that you should do that to someone you love.

[kadvati79]

Just because she was rooting for him for a start, doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings for you. She didn't realise what she was going to loose until things actually became serious with you guys.

 

My point here, is that people seem to make the assumption that a relationship should be, to an extent, effortless. And that the person should seamlessly slip into your life, with little problem (and certainly no ultimatums). I do not believe this is the case. I believe good relationships are about approach not circumstance. If you get the approach right, then no matter what circumstances you both face you will overcome them. You have no approach right now, he is scared/threatened by this friend, and his feelings got to the point he has done something stupid and issued an ultimatum.

 

I saw a GREAT quote from Donster, in another post:

 

Sure it wasn't right for him to issue an ultimatum. He should have dealt with it better. Maybe he should just be a man and sit you down, explain how he feels, and say he wants to work things out with her because he believes its important for him to be friends with your friends as he loves you.

 

But thats not real life. Sometimes you need to take the bull by the horns yourself, and be the "bigger person". In this situation, you probably have more power than either of them to solve it. You need to tell them to BOTH grow up. That BOTH will be in your life or NEITHER. If you can get your approach right, where you deal with things as a team, then you will sail over these kinds of problems with ease.

 

 

Its natural, and I suspect she depends on you alot and she hasn't got you any more to the same extent. And Aaron, I BET he feels threatened. I remember my ex always used to go to his best mates for advice and I was sure his best mates didn't like me. It made me HATE them, simply because I was terrified that they would tell my ex to leave me. Funny old thing, once the relationship was over I became really good friends with them

 

 

In summary, he's a great guy, but together your APPROACH is wrong. Fix the approach and you will have a wonderful relationship.

 

 

He's threatened.

 

 

Believe me, I have done some TERRIBLE things to the people I loved. In fact, I think we do some of the worst things to those we love because those we love are the ones that will forgive us.