How To Make Things Right (or at least better) PLEASE HELP

[SolitarySoul]

Hi there,

 

I'm just new to enotalone and would like to share my story with you.......or anyone who will listen......

 

Please be warned that you quite possibly will have read War and Peace far quicker, but I would VERY much appreciate anyone out there that may be able to offer some advice or suggestions.

 

It was about 18 months ago now that i started out at a new job. I remember the day of the interview so clearly.................

One of the persons interviewing me caught my eye instantly. During & after the interview i re-call thinking 'there was something about her'.

 

Although briefly it did pass through my mind that she might have been gay or bisexual. In my own head i told myself it was probably just wishful thinking but there was just something about her eyes and the way she looked at me.

 

Not to sound sure of myself, but something told me i was going to get the job. When i did, i was over the moon on my first day when she arrived and i knew i'd be working with this person (well in fact for her, as she was to be my manager)

 

Although i knew i was attracted to this person from day one (who i'll call N) I was just really pleased that I'd got a new job & i would have the opportunity to get to know her. It was a small place where i worked and we were all female including me.

It wasn't too long before i found out that N was divorced. She'd been married for 13 years but apparently was unhappy in most of them. She now lived alone and had been for the past few years.

 

There was also a new girl who also started soon after me. A couple of weeks into the job and we had to go away for training.

On our journey this new girl let slip that N was having an affair with the owner of the company and had been for several years. I was a shocked and also gutted, but because i didn't know N all that well i just thought 'oh well never mind'.

 

Whilst we were away this girl told me how she thought there was something about N. When i asked her what she meant she explained that she thought N might fancy her (the new girl, not me).

Apparently N had this thing about Audrey Hepburn and to be honest i guess they both had that look about them.

The new girl mentioned how she just had a feeling and even mentioned how her husband had commented. He had only met N once but told her to be careful around her. That night she made a joke and told me to be careful too.

Inside i was delighted, I remember thinking i really hope you're right.

I knew even if N was bisexual this didn't give me the right to presume she would be interested in me, but i couldn't help feel happy at what just i'd heard.

 

At this stage, all i wanted to do was get to know her as a person and the more i did, the more i realised that it wasn't just a physical attraction.

Not too long after the new girl left (but this had absoloutely nothing to do with what i've just mentioned, she just had a new job lined up).

 

It was only a month or so into the job that i learned how old N was. I couldn't believe she was 41 when she only looked about 30. Although i was only 27 it didn't matter to me, even though i was trying before i new her age i couldn't stop feeling what i did.

 

I started to pick up on a few things that N had said. One night when a few of us had gone out for a drink she mentioned how she'd had a bisexual experience in the past. As you can imagine i was really interested to learn more but N just kept laughing and wouldn't tell me anything.

I also remember one day at work where the conversation of Halle Berry came up. N said wouldn't you just love to go there, whilst looking at me. Another girl told N to behave whilst i just laughed and nodded in agreement with N. She then went on to mention other female celebs she liked. This made it pretty clear she was definitely open minded.

 

To cut a very long story short, i guess i became a bit like a kid saving pennies/cents. Everytime i would go into work i would look for signs, and 98% of the time i got them.

If each sign was a cent i must have a spare 20 dollars somewhere.

 

I know i'm trying to cut a long story short, but i would like to try and tell you as much as i possibly can so you can help me figure out how the end of my story ended.

 

As time went by i realised that maybe N could like me.

 

There was a time when N and I had to go away for work. One night whilst we were having dinner she said how she was worried people might think she's gay because she's never seen with a man. let them think it is how i replied. Later on in the conversation she asked if i had my eye on anyone. I was totally unprepared for that question and looked towards the window saying 'no no-one'

Surely she should have guessed by that.

 

Another night we had just finished dinner when N said 'Shall we go to bed now' she paused then said 'to sleep' started lauging and continued with 'i mean to the hotel, to sleep.........in separate beds'

We both just laughed.

 

The first time i called round her flat before a night out she showed me around. When i saw the Audrey Hepburn pictures in her bedroom i knew there must have been some truthe in what the new girl (well old girl) had said.

 

Another time there was a day at work i was telling someone how i'd knocked my leg the day before and now had a lump on my leg. I asked them to feel and they got all squeemish.

At that N comes along and asks what happened. I explain again and ask her to feel. Before she does she looks at me and says 'feeling your leg, it might turn me on'

 

There were so many things that she said or did that gave me the impression she was attracted to me. The brushes past me, the touches and the looks between us both. We just semed to have this connection where we knew what eachother was thinking. I can't even begin to explain all what happened so i just hope you get the gist when i say i've never been so sure of anything else in my life before.

 

The only thing that changed was me.I really wanted something to happen, but it got to the point where i just knew nothing would whilst i was working for her. I didn't want to make things any more awkward for her or for me.

Even though there were plenty of times i had the opportunity to say something i just couldn't. Because she was my manager i knew it wasn't the best of situations.

From the type of person she was, i knew N would never have made the first move. I know that sounds crazy to say especially when it was N doing most if not all the flirting. I remember her saying she never would if she met someone and how it takes a while for her to get to know someone.

 

I gathered from another work colleague that N was quite a lonely person. Other than the people she worked with she didn't really have anyone else. Apparently she has had mental health problems and has been ill with her nerves/depression for quite some time. There was the guy she's having the affair with but as he lives away she only sees him once in a blue moon. She always used to bring him up in conversation, especially when it was just me and her.

There were a couple of times when she told me how their sex life wasn't that great (to put it nicely)

However, one day she would be saying how she loved him and the next how much she hated him. That was something i just couldn't figure out.

I gathered and heard from a friend/work colleague that N had a tendency to make things out to be more than what they actually were. This friend said that she wouldn't be surprised if this affair had only happened a couple of times in all these years and that was because N didn't like to say no.

To N her job is her life & it's all she lives for. Maybe because he's the owner she doesn't dare refuse. I honestly don't know.

 

This made me sad. There were times when i knew N would have liked someone to go shopping with or have a night at the ballet. But when it wasn't a group of us i couldn't say i would go with her. Although i would have loved nothing more, it felt as though i was lying. If i'd have gone i would have been going for the wrong reasons if that makes sense. I wouldn't have been going as a friend.

 

After 13 months i knew it was time i had to leave. Because i really thought the world of N but liked my job too it was one of the easiest & hardest decision of my life.

 

Although i didn't want to leave if i was any kind of true friend to N i had to let her know how i felt. The only way i'd have the guts to do that was to leave first. When i told N i was thinking of leaving she told me i wasn't. The day i handed my resignation in she refused it, but i think she knew i was serious & accepted it after a couple of refusals. It was so nice when N said if things didn't work out i'd be welcome to go back anytime.

 

I wasn't too fussed where i ended up working next, it felt as though i'd formed some close friendships throughout my time especially with N. We all planned to meet up for the nights out that we all had whilst i worked there. I thougt it would be somewhere i could have always called in for a cuppa to see how they were doing and if they fancied a night out or someting.

 

So I had a month left and my journey was nearly over......

 

I was sad that i knew i would be leaving, but i was releived that i could finally tell her.

The worse case senario was for N to say nothing could ever happen between us. Even though that would have been sad I was prepared for that and it was okay. If that did happen i was sure we would have a greater if not better friendship. Something i thought she didn't have. So if 'the worse case senario' did happen then I'd left my job for good reasons.

Even the last month whilst i worked things were the same & N was giving of the same signals (even more so).

 

On the last two days at work we all planned to go out on both my last nights. On the first night we went out i was again pretty certain she wanted something to happen, but i knew it would be my last day tomorrow so i didn't say or do anything.

The last night came and went so fast. It was a late night and on the way home N said that I should go to her flat & wait for a taxi. I really thought i was going to say something but on the way to N's flat she called for a taxi on her phone.

 

When we got to N's flat we were both soaked. N was moanning saying how she looked a mess. She looked amazing like she always had but i didn't tell her that. I just said she looked fine. I can't even remember how long i was there for and what we talked about. I remember N at the window looking for the taxi. I just knew it wasn't a good time to say anything. When i mentioned earlier that 98% of the time it felt as though she wanted me to say something this was the 2% but it felt like a 100%

 

When the taxi arrived i stood up to say goodbye. We both hugged eachother.

I remember seeing her reflection in the window, i didn't want to leave go but i knew i had to.

She said to call in the shop tomorrow when i went to pick my car up.

 

As soon as i climbed in the taxi, i felt the tears run down my face. I never cried so quietly. I was having a normal conversation with the taxi driver with tears in my eyes. I wanted nothing more to yell stop, go back in tell her i'd forgot something, kiss her and walk out, but it was too late. Well it probably wasn't but i didn't have the guts by now.

 

The next day i called in the shop when i went to collect my car. Everything & everyone seemed normal, but it felt so different to me. When i left N was busy with a customer so i just touched her shoulder and said take care N i'll se ya later. She said the same.

 

When i got home i realised that it would probably be a month a more before i next see her. I couldn't believe that i'd given up my job to stop living a lie, but the truth was i was still living a lie. A month seemed such a long time especially when i'd been seeing her every week. Looking back i'd have waited far longer if things could have been different.

 

A few days passed and it was on my mind. I just had to tell her.

I considered calling N, but i didn't want it to look as tough I was only after one thing. I know it probably wasn't the best of methods but i decided to tell her be text/SMS messages.

This way there would be no pressure on me or N and i could say everything i needed to.

 

Before i left my job we were all on a night out and as a joke i remember saying 'do you want to know the real reason why i'm leaving' at that N said 'Oh god it's me isn't it'. She was laughing but also looked pretty shocked too.

I really wasn't about to tell her the real reaon in front of everyone so at that i quickly said 'i was really hired as a private investigator and my work here was now done, i have all the evidence i need'

 

That made me think she really did know how i felt for her.

 

So i send my message to N basically saying..............

 

Hi N

Sod it, i did lie, you were right, i never really was a private investigator. I hope to god you will understand my reasons for telling you what i'm about to in the way iam but just couldn't wait any longer.

I told her my real reasons for leaving. I said what i thought about her and how sometimes i got the feeling she felt the same. I said if i had got it all wrong i hope she could still see me as the person i always was.........just a friend.

I told her that i thought she was an amazing person and if she ever needed anyone/a friend i hope one day she would call on me.

 

When a few days passed by and no reply i started to worry, really worry as i knew something wasn't right. When I tried to call N it came up with 'Call Not Allowed'

 

Even when i write that it's like a knife through my heart again.

 

The only way to contact her was to call round to her flat. I knew by now that something was badly wrong, so it was my only way of trying to explain things. When i called around i spoke to her through an intercom so i didn't see her face to face. She was shocked when she realised it was me. She basically said she didn't know where i'd got it from. I said so there was absoloutely nothing between us. she said no. Her voice seemed shaky so I said i was really sorry and would she please let me explain. but she said no. She said one of the girls from work was calling round & asked if i would go.

I said i would but asked her if she would just contact me. She said she would.

 

True to her word the next day i received a text/sms message from N saying 'stop what you are doing, i don't have any feelings for you, please don't contact me again.

 

I couldn't believe it, i was absoloutley devestated. It was like a completely different person.

The only thing i could do was to contact a mutual friend. When i met up with the friend i learned that the same night i'd sent my messages to N she had also told this friend. And the very next day told everyone at work. The friend had said how she had twisted things i'd said and done.

 

I could understand if it had only been someone i'd known for a short while, but i'd known her for over a year. All the things she'd said and done but then to react like and not even want to speak or see me.

 

There was so much i needed to say. I asked the friend if i wrote a letter to N would she pass it on to for me. She agreed.

 

In the letter i apologised again. I went on to say that there may be so much more i need to apologise for but because i have so many questions, unless she ever looked me in the eye i couldn't take full responsibility for thinking all what i did. I said that i was sad that i would be losing her friendship, but i am and always will be willing to at least clear the air with her. I told her that i couldn't understand how she could tell everyone else without as much as a 'sod off' to me first. I promised i would never contact her again.

 

On the night i spoke with her i asked if anyone else knew when she said someone was calling round. She said no one and i believed her. It was also a lie too.

 

Not too long after my letter the friend told me that she hadn't mentioned anything about me.

In the letter i said i didn't want or feel i had to explain my feelings to anyone else other than those that matter. I said now that you've told everyone, I hope you will show them this letter as if i do have to explain myself i would much prefer to do it in my own words.

She didn't show the letter to anyone & the gossip stopped.

 

The only explanation i have is maybe i scared her, maybe i told her too much too soon. I wish i knew.

 

This was all 4 months ago now, the saddest four months of my life so far.

 

I've not seen or spoke to her since and there is not a day gone by when i don't think about or miss her.

 

A couple of months ago a mutual friend said she had asked about me.

 

The only thing that has give me hope is reading these boards. Although i was never in a relationship with N, I'm kind of hoping that No Contact might make her miss me too.

 

I was prepared for everything, or so i thought. To be told N didn't feel the same way would have been okay, not great but okay. But to be rejected as a person truly hurts, especially when i really thought the world of her. It feels as though i gave up something to try and make something else better (even if that was just a friendship) but now it feels i've lost everything and made things worse.

 

I truly believed that at the very least N liked me as a person and part of me still believes it.

I figured out that if she had of felt the same way surely she would have made contact by now. If I hadn't made my promise i'm pretty sure i would have tried to contact her, if she missed me half as much as i do her (even just as a friend) then she would have made contact.

Although i know that it would be really hard fo her to do. It would take a lot of courage that maybe she doesn't have.

It saddens me to think that if she is or was bad with her nerves/depression maybe i've made things worse for her.

 

I'm sorry to go on guys but thank you for coming this far with me....................

 

It gets a little more confusing but it is nearly over...............

 

So although there is nothing more in the world that i could wish for, other than to try and regain a friendship with N, part of me believes that any kind of contact should really be from her, as then i would know it was genuine.

I've been spending the past 4 months trying to move on from N albeit with great difficulty.

I suppose this is because, deep down i do believe she did have feelings for me & because she never told me to my face that's why i can't seem to let her go.

I know if i ever got the chance to speak with her and if what i had to say fell on deaf ears i'm 199% certain i could walk away with pure ease.

I can't give anymore than my friendship and if that is rejected too then there is nothing more i have to give or would even want to try and give.

 

So in this time I'm trying my very hardest to let her go and move on with my life, although not very well i am truly trying.

Then in July i realise i have a missed answerphone/voicemail message on my mobile/cell phone.

 

When I listen to it I hear a womans voice saying 'You alright *****' Although the name mentioned isn't mine i recognise the voice and think it sounds a lot like N.

The person this woman mentions is the same name as the person N is having the affair with. So it sounds like N saying 'You alright *******'

 

It's not N's phone number though but I think why would someone call my phone only to leave a message of three words and then hang up?

If it was a complete stranger, wouldn't you realise you had dialled the wrong number before leaving a message. And If not, surely you would leave a full message and then only realise once you had hung up?

 

I also figure that most people have their contacts stored in their phone already, so if it was her there is no way she could have dialled me by mistake.

My name and his name are way apart in the alphabet.

But if it was a genuine mistake I thought at least she hasn't deleted me from her phone, in fact she must have put in again if she has a new phone & number.

 

Anyway, although i hope to god and secretly pray it's her i also tell myself it could be a complete stranger from timbucktoo for all i know & just a sad/strange coincidence.

 

Then a month later i wake up one morning with a text/sms message. As soon as i look i recognise the number straight away. It's the same number as the one before.

When I open it, it's a blank message. It says absoloutely nothing..................

 

I received the first answerphone/voicemail message on the 18th of July, I then receive a blank text message on the 18th of August.

I think & hope it might be N, and would you believe the only date in the ENTIRE calandar month that connects me to N is the 18th.

 

This is the date that i started work.

 

I tell myself it must be her, one coincidence is fair enough, but that's is about five.

 

It sounds like her

She mentions ******

The 18th

Why would anyone just hang up one month and then send a blank text message the next

 

This time i reply saying 'Hi there, i received a missed call from you today, sorry i don't recognise your number but if it's me (then my name) you need to speak with please just give me a call. Thanx

 

But No Reply

 

 

A week passes by, and it's on my mind so i decide to just call the number and find out for sure. I try calling from a different phone and it rings but then goes through to answerphone. I don't leave a message.

Half an hour later i receive a missed call from a completely different number altogether.

The number is not a mobile it's from a landline somewhere in the middle of the country.

Because i used an old mobile phone I know the number that called must have been connected to the weird messages i'd received (as that's the only number i contacted). I know she doesn't have connections with that part of the country so it can't have been her afterall.

 

I just think how on earth am i meant to try and forget about N when things like that happen. Why did they have to contact my phone??? Why did it have to be the 18th...both times??? any other date would have meant absoloutely nothing.......Why did it have to sound like her??????

 

I can honestly say I can count on two hands how many people actually have my number and i am also ex directory.

It just feels as though some higher power is playing with my feelings and not allowing me to try and forget her. Why was i given so much hope, only to be let down once again.

 

 

I hope one day N and i will sort things out, i hope that day is sooner rather than later.

 

 

Well that's it i guess..............THANK YOU and SORRY (sorry that you didn't plan on reading a novel).

[Caine]

Hi there, to be honest you.ve definitely got yourself in too deep, and whether it IS N contacting you or not your going to believe and convince yourself it is, which is understandable, i'd do the same thing. You know you need to try and move on and get on with your life, you could change your phone number and then those 'coincedences' couldn't happen, afterall, if N wants to contact you, she must know where you live, you worked for her. I guess you convinced yourself early on that she liked you and then everything she did aroung you, you saw more into it than it was, at the time you thought it was real, but maybe to N it was just friendship.

 

The one and only thing you can do about all this, is learn from it and move on with your life, I know it's hard when you want someone and they don't want you back but in life what other choice do we have, try to move on and I wish you all the luck in the world.

[valenski]

Have you ever been told you're way too overanalytical? Rather than get straight to the fact you ask yourself "if" and "maybe". You cant make conclusions based on assumptions and rumours, that I believe was your biggest mistake. Have you ever thought that the coinsidences that happened, occurred when your mind was susceptible, you wanted it to be N so bad, your mind told you it was N. Sometimes our minds are our own worst enemies, your story is a sad, unfortunate one, I know what it is like to lose a friend you think highly of and secretly love, but whats done is done. Its too bad how things turned out though.

I pray you find the strength to look past this point in your life.

[sportsbunny]

I don't think you're too analytical at all. When things in life bother us, it's just human nature to analyze things. I know I'm the exact same way. It definitely seemed to me that N had feelings that were stronger than friendship for you. Maybe she only subconsciously had these feelings though--- she might not have known it. And when you brought it to the surface, it scared her. Maybe she's still scared. I wish I knew and could help you more. I am in a very similar situation, minus the fact that I haven't 'fessed up to it yet. All I can say is that you gotta "keep on keepin' on"... if you'd like to talk sometime, send me a private message and I'll get you my contact info. I know it always helps me to actually interact (IM or something) with people; not just this forum stuff. Sorry there's not more I can say...