Letting go of deceased sisters' stuff

[mgirl]

This is kind of serious. My sister died in February of this year. She took her own life (it is even hard to write that).

 

Anyhow, it was a big shock. Nobody expected her to do it. So, my point is, i have been through the grieving process for nearly 7 months now. When she first passed on, her housemate and i cleaned out her house. I took the bulk of her loose items (personal stuff such as clothing, personal files and cookware). Her things have been sitting in my loungeroom in boxes for 7 months now as i have nowhere else to store them. This has been both difficult and necessary. Difficult, because it has been a constant reminder of her absense from this earth, but necessary, because i think, on some level, i need to believe and 'know' she is deceased. It is very easy to slip into denial with things like this.

 

Anyhow, i have recently reached the stage where i am feeling that i need to let go of some of her things. At first, the thought of giving her most treasured items (i assumed i knew what was personal to her due to being so close) away was terrifying. I was very protective and clingy of her things and wouldn't let certain family members near them. I allocated some stuff to my mother and stepfather, but they weren't interested in keeping too much of it. That saddened me in a way, because i felt like they were rejecting her in death too, but that is another story.

 

The point is, i am sitting here looking at it now. It is taking up room in my loungeroom and somehow feels partially redundant. I know i don't want to let go of 'her', but i feel i am ready to let go of some (not all) of her things. I am really feeling the need to go to the charity outlet and leave some of her clothes there. I am not ready to let go of her other stuff yet and probably (definitely) will not let go of it all (photos, jewellery, writing etc.), but as far as most of the clothing goes, i am ready. As ready as i will ever be. Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands.

 

It feels weird because on a certain level, hanging on to her things has been a way for me to hang on to her. But ultimately, i know i need to let go of her because no amount of hanging on to her things is going to bring her back. The thought of giving some of those things away was unbearable for me a few months ago, because it was all i have to hang on to. But now hopefully, i am on my way to letting go a little.

 

What have people done with other peoples' things in the past? How easy or hard has it been to let go of personal items? And have you found that their memory is somehow attached to their personal belongings?

 

I would feel kind of guilty if i took it all down to the charity bin and left it there. For me, right now, giving some of her clothes away feels more right than it did months ago.

 

It's so hard, there are no rights or wrongs with this.

[blender]

Honey, this is so tough.. but if you look on the internet in your area, you could find a "battered woman's shelter" I found one of these when my cousin died, and in honor of her life, I brought some of her clothes there to give to other women who were having their own life struggles and I think your sister would love it if you did this in her memory. At least a few things will be a start.. your sister is in your heart, she always will be, let go of a few things at a time in honor of her.. do something "good" with them... You are a wonderful sister.. god bless you.

[Hope75]

Hey There mgirl,

 

I'm so sorry about your sister. The grieving process can take a long time, particularly when you were family, so close, and with the tragic circumstances of her death. It's OK that you are still dealing with this and feeling sad.

 

I lost a friend in November of last year to suicide as well. It's very difficult to understand the reasons behind their choices as well as to deal with the loss. I really feel for you.

 

My only advice to you is to take your time, don't feel forced, and maybe part with her things in small amounts. Try to remember that you are not being disloyal to her by trying to organize your home and life and move on a little bit. She loved you and she would understand and want you to be happy.

 

((HUGS))

[n83]

I think Blender is right.. you've obviously come a long way in your healing. Perhaps you can give your sister's items to someone who can truly use them. That would be a lovely thing to do in your sister's memory. Local agencies might take them, or else larger relief efforts (like for Hurricane Katrina) might also be looking for donated goods..

Good luck!

[timjd]

Hi Mgirl.

 

The most important thing is that you remember her in your heart and mind. The material possessions are really irrelevant. It is nice if you can keep a few photos, letters and any items that she really loved. But as for clothes, pots and pans and furniture, they are just the junk that we go through life with- dump it all today.

 

Hopefully you can move on and lift that weight off your back.

[Scout]

mgirl, so sorry to hear about your sister. ((HUGS))

 

I haven't experienced anything similar, but I suspect I would feel the same way you do about parting with her things. They are symbols that represent her, so of course it's difficult.

 

Blender's on the right track, I believe, with giving some of your sister's things to "new homes" you feel good about giving them to. Maybe you could even give some of her things on an individual basis...for example, if you know of a young woman who is disadvantaged, financially struggling...maybe you could give her some of the clothes. Or, a women's shelter, as Blender suggested. Or an orphanage for teen girls, even.

 

But don't feel you have to let go of everything. Times will present themselves to you when you run accross an opportunity to make a gift to someone of something that belonged to your sister.

[sonjam]

Hi there

 

Deciding to let go is the easy part, actually taking the stuff and giving it away is a totally different story!

 

I lost my B/f a few years back to an accident, we lived together and I simply didn't move any of his things in our house for the first 6 mohts (appart from opening his cuboard to smell his shirts). I eventually took the decision to move his stuff out, since I knew i was not making any progress in letting him go, and called a friend. She unpacked his cuboards etc, into boxes, I cried in the lounge. If I didn't get her to help, things would still be the same till this day!

 

I guess what I want to say is, get somebody you feel close to to help you take her things to people who really need them. It will give you emotional support, and you will be helping others in need. I'm sure she would have wanted it.