Help Help Help!

[Luck of the Irish]

This twist in my story is very strange and convoluted. I'm sure many people are tired of hearing it. But I am in desperate need of some moral as well as general legal advice. Let me rewind a bit:

 

I just got out of a two and a half year relationship. It weathered military deployments, distance, differences in age and culture, alcohol (on both of our parts), her emotional abuse, her mental abuse, and my emotionlessness. Was cheated on multiple times, and the last time is what ended it. We were enaged to be married this July. I was a virgin. After much pain and torment, I got over everything. This was several months back. We hadn't spoken for awhile until this morning...

 

Now my current situation. I recently met a girl. I'm falling for her hard. We agreed ot be exclusive. She is everything I'm looking for. I love who I am around her. Anyway, she is out of town with family right now. I'm due to leave on a training deployment in a few weeks.

 

This morning I get a call from the ex. I think to myself "Oh , another I'm so sorry guilt trip call". She tells me that she is PREGNANT!!!! We had sex ATLEAST one and a half - two months ago. She was on the pill and we were always very safe. It was no different than other times. It is extremely awkward for me. I am going to tell the girl I'm seeing now. I want to be upfront and let her choose if this is somethign she can deal with. I am now forced to talk to my ex. I have to be civil too, because if my kid is in there, he isn't going to exposed to stress. Legally what do I do?!?!?! She is not the most moral person. She is seeing a shady guy right now. So a paternity test is in order, but 9 months from now!

 

Abortion is not an option. Adoption isn't either. If this is truelly happening I will grab my balls and raise this kid. She is very mentally unstable though. She is seeing a psychologist. She's 17! I thought I'd been through alot having just turned 20, but this is new to me.

 

It's excruciating trying to forget all the pain my ex caused me, holding together this new relationship, trying to keep the ex out of my life as much as possible but without causing her stress, worrying about a kid, and a military deployment.

 

The only proof I have are the pee stick tests. 3 were positive, one was negative, and two never registered. She has morning sickness. She has a urine test done, so the results will be in next week. Did I also mention she is NUTS? I thought of the possibility of her using this as a ploy to get attention from me. She has done things like this before, but not on this scale.

 

My course of action:

1) Tell the girl I'm seeing now. Let her make a decision.

2) Wait on the results. If positive, then pay what I have to pay, and do what I have to do.

3) Try to hold my current relationship together.

 

What legal things am I required to do? Moral? Anyone ever heard of something like this?

[avman]

Well first off I'd wait until the baby is born and make sure it is yours. Based on what you have described, it seems like it is entirely possible it may not be yours.

 

But lets assume it is for now, because it if isn't then there will be nothing more for you to do.

 

Once paternity is established, then you'll be expected to pay child support. The amount varies by state/province and is usually a percentage of your pay. You'll also have visitation rights IF your ex agrees to them. If not, you'll have to fight for them in court.

 

The reason for this is that unmarried fathers enjoy having exactly zero legal rights unless they fight for them. Thats right, you have no rights at all. However you can be obligated to pay child support even without getting visitation rights. It is not fair but it is reality I'm afraid.

 

You could fight for custody if you feel you would make a more appropriate parent for the child. However I will warn you that will be a very messy and expensive fight unless your ex simply agrees to it. You could suggest it to her if that is what you want to do. Perhaps you two can come to an arrangement between the two of you.

 

Morally speaking, my advice is that no matter what happens be the best father you can. The child doesn't get a choice in the matter, so never treat him or her with anything other than love and understanding. Your ex may not be someone you want much to do with, but don't take it out on the child no matter how bad things are between you and your ex.

[BornToResist]

The only proof I have are the pee stick tests. 3 were positive, one was negative, and two never registered. She has morning sickness. She has a urine test done, so the results will be in next week. Did I also mention she is NUTS? I thought of the possibility of her using this as a ploy to get attention from me. She has done things like this before, but not on this scale.

 

Next week? That doesn't make sense.

 

When I got pregnant, they did a urine test in the office and it took about 5 minutes for the results...that seems really shady.

 

I have heard a lot of stories about young girls saying they are pregnant to trap men or gain attention.

 

I wish you luck and I'm happy that you would take responsibility if this is the case. I also think that how you will handle this new relationship shows a lot of maturity.

 

However, I would wait to hear back from a blood test stating she is in fact pregnant. This smells fishy to me, but I don't know her..

[caring person]

you got some nice advice, sounds like you got a game plan too. I'll bet there is someone who has seen and heard your story from about 30 other men like you...ask him, your military chaplain or priest. Perhaps he can give you some good moral advice too.

Take care and God bless!

[Ians Mommy]

Did she actually tell you that she has to wait a week for results from a urine test? They had my results ready within minutes when I went to the doctor.

 

I'd ask her for written or verbal proof from the doctor that the test was actually positive or negative. If she is pregnant, I'd ask for a paternity test right away.

[Luck of the Irish]

She is having a minor surgery on Wednesday w/ the gynecologist. She went in on Friday so they could get a urine sample to test for any surgery complications. Pregnancy being one of them. She said they will notify her Monday or Tuesday. I figure it's because they need to test for other things besides pregnancy. Is this right? She complained of morning sickness for a few days before. She did 6 pee sticks. 3 positive, 1 negative, and 2 inconclusive. I was there for the 2 inconclusive. I bought a nice digital tester. She disappeared into the bathroom, came back WITHOUT doing the test, and had me do it after she peed on it.. She threw away the instructions, and when I stuck the thing in to register (the test was digital) nothing happened for either one. I have yet to see the "positive" results. Something is not right. Every time she calls me I have to talk her down from an emotional high, like a hostage negotiator. Not for her sake, but if there's a baby in there, I don't want it exposed to that stress. I hope to God it is just some trick to get my attention.

 

Yes, talking to my Chaplain and NCO is in the works. I'm worried about the legal side. Since she is underage still, can her parents make a fuss? They have the collective IQ of a rock, and they are not fond of me. If they do make this a mess, it will screw up my career (until she is 18 ). Can any legal action be taken considering the fact that this might not be my baby? Do they have to do a paternity test first? I sound like a bad Jerry Springer episode. We practiced safe sex (birth control for over 2 years). This was not a night of drunken debauchery.

 

Ian's Mommy, can they do paternity tests before the baby is born!?!?!

 

Sorry for the bombardment of questions! I am clueless. So are my parents. Thanks for all the good advice thus far.

[redrose85]

Wow, luck. I'm sorry to hear all this is going on. something IS shady though. If she was pregnant, why would her gyn be doing minor surgery? and call me crazy, but I don't think gyn's do any type of surgery. Especially down there! eep! Plus, like BTR and Ian's Mommy said, the docs tell you the results from the urine test in minutes. They don't wait a week, the results would be skewed if it sat around for a week. Those tests are designed to be immediate. I have a psycho ex as well, a pathological liar among other things (thankfull he's not in my life at all anymore)and something about your situation and this girl isn't sitting right with me, and apparently it's not with other posters. As well, not many women seem to actually have morning sickness. Apparently, it can be very random. Good luck with everything and please keep us posted.

[Ians Mommy]

She is having a minor surgery on Wednesday w/ the gynecologist.

 

2 inconclusive.

 

She threw away the instructions, and when I stuck the thing in to register (the test was digital) nothing happened for either one. I have yet to see the "positive" results.

 

If they do make this a mess, it will screw up my career (until she is 18 ). Can any legal action be taken considering the fact that this might not be my baby? Do they have to do a paternity test first?

 

Ian's Mommy, can they do paternity tests before the baby is born!?!?!

 

I've never heard of a test being inconclusive at all. They're always either negative or positive. I've taken a million pregnancy tests and they're always either positive or negative. I've never once had an inconclusive test.

 

It won't screw up your career and I don't think they can have you arrested for statuatory rape. Yes, you can have legal action done to prove it is your baby if she is pregnant. A paternity test will be done.

 

It's possible to have a test done before the baby is done but there are risks to it. 99% of the time, they wait until after the baby is born to do the test because it's not exactly safe to do it while the baby is in utero.

[Hope75]

link removed

 

I agree with others that you should see her actually take a pregnancy test and see it come out positive before you buy into this. Get a simple urine stick test and have her take it while you are there (give her privacy to pee, of course).

 

Or, have written proof from her doctor, like a copy of the blood test results with her name on it from the hospital or facility where she was tested.

 

Something is not right.

[Ians Mommy]

Something is not right.

 

I completely agree. There really is something wrong with what she's telling you.

 

I really don't think your that stupid but did the so called "urine" actually look like urine?

[BornToResist]

I'm glad I wasn't the only who felt this was shady.

 

If she really was pregnant, wouldn't she want to show you the results immediately? She was on birth control that worked for 2 years or so without fail, and NOW she's pregnant?

 

I know when I found out, I did the tests with my bf, that's just natural. I would want to remove all doubt from his mind that I was just making it up.

 

I've heard of girls who borrowed their friend's positive pregnancy tests to show their bf's for attention or whatever.

 

If she was pregnant, the doctor would do a test immediately and give her the results right then. They wouldn't wait until all the other tests were done as well.

 

Fishy fishy! Good luck...

 

Please keep us posted.

[RayKay]

I too find something VERY odd about this whole thing, especially since the tests you were actually present for were all inconclusive or negative.

 

I really don't see the gynecologist waiting a week to get results back for a pregnancy test - especially if she told them she thinks she is pregnant! It would be a huge waste of THEIR time to test for other things too in preparation for surgery if they can't do it as she is pregnant (some surgeries they can do if pregnant, though there are still risks).

 

Something is very odd, and I really think you need to be present for a regular old pee on the stick test and see the pink line or plus sign.....though the digital ones are very accurate too so if they are showing negatives or "inconclusives", there is something fishy going on.

 

As for paternity tests before birth, they CAN do them but it is quite risky (and they usually reserve testing for serious health issues only) and can jeopardize the pregnancy/baby.

[Relationship Coach]

A simple blood test will resolve this matter once and for all. Go to your local county health department, the test is about $35. This is certainly sounding like a ploy. Next after she has her hooks in to you, the baby will disappear, the old phantom miscarriage. If she claims you are the father first she must prove she is pregnant and then that it is yours. Amniocentesis can be done prior to delivery to determine DNA.

 

RC

 

 

link removed

[Luck of the Irish]

Thanks all! RC, that sounds like my plan then, if she persists.

 

Update: Ex never called today to deliver the results. I have a close relative who risked her job to get me the results. They were "Negative". She works in the admin dept. at the hospital. Guess when the results were in? The day she took the test, last week. I suspect she didn't call because in some sick way, she wants her lies to be true so she can get me in her life somehow. If she still insists, I will try this blood test, and speak to her gyno. Is there any chance the urinalysis is wrong? Just covering all the bases,

 

Thanks!

[avman]

There is a chance the urine test could be wrong. In an early pregnancy some women do not secrete the pregnancy hormone at a very high level so the test registers a false negative.

 

The blood test is very rarely wrong. But you can't actually force her to take that test.

 

I'm with the other posters. Something is very wrong here. Sounds like she is playing games with you.

[Ians Mommy]

Thanks all! RC, that sounds like my plan then, if she persists.

 

Update: Ex never called today to deliver the results. I have a close relative who risked her job to get me the results. They were "Negative". She works in the admin dept. at the hospital. Guess when the results were in? The day she took the test, last week. I suspect she didn't call because in some sick way, she wants her lies to be true so she can get me in her life somehow. If she still insists, I will try this blood test, and speak to her gyno. Is there any chance the urinalysis is wrong? Just covering all the bases,

 

Thanks!

 

I'm sorry, it's sick what she's doing. When I got pregnant, the first thing I told the father was that if he didn't want anything to do with me or my child, I didn't care. It's bad how some girls will use ANYTHING to get a guy.

[vandgsmom]

Ok...

 

Urine tests for the HcG hormone can come up as inconclusive, but not more that 3% of the time.

HOWEVER... part of the reason that a pregnacy stick test is done at the doctors office from the urine sample immediately is because of the radioavitve half life of the HcG hormone. It is relaticly unstable, and IF she might have gotten some pregnant pee from a friend (does she have any prego friends?) and let it cool too long or let it get old, then the broken down form of the hormone might skew a relativly straightforward test like that. In a lab, they have more sensative equipment that registers VERY faint levels...

 

on the instructions, it also says that you can pee in a cup and dip the tester for several seconds instead of aiming at the stick.. If she pees int he cup, get her to do it in a thin plastic cup and feel the sides for warmth. It should feel slightly warmer than your hand, at least.

 

No doctor would do ANY surgery on a pregnant female unless it was something that needed to be corrected to save the babys life, and then NOT in the first trimester when the neurological stuff is developing and ALL antibiotics and pain meds and crazy pills can do the most damage. Take the word of a junkies kid.

 

LEGALLY-- they can get you for statutory. And there is a certain amount of time even after she turns 18 that they can still go back a prosecute if they wanted to. They sound crazy enough.

A paternity test can be done in vitro. I do think she has to be a certain amount along, and you can compell her in court to do it. Amneocentisis is usually how it is accomplished along with blood tests of the mother and father.

She can also compell you do pay child support while she is pregnant even if you have not proved conclusivley that you are or are not the father. If she signs up for any state sponsored care, Medicaid, Food Stamps, etc, they will more than likely go after you for some kind of support.

 

Hope that helped... and I am sooo sorry. This whole thing sounds wrong to me, though.

[avman]

She can also compell you do pay child support while she is pregnant even if you have not proved conclusivley that you are or are not the father.

 

This depends on your location. In many locations no, she cannot. There is no child support because there is no child yet. Now AFTER the baby is born if paternity is established they can go back and make you cover some of the pregnancy expenses. In some locations you can start a child support action while pregnant, but if the father denies paternity and demands a paternity test then the child support action will typically be shelved until the baby is born.

 

LEGALLY-- they can get you for statutory.

This depends on the age of consent in the location of the OP. A 17 year old with a 20 year old might be perfectly legal in their state/province. The laws of the area need to be taken into consideration.

 

A paternity test can be done in vitro. I do think she has to be a certain amount along, and you can compell her in court to do it.

You can try, but the mother can easily file a motion stating it will jeapordize the health of the baby and most courts will not order such a thing. The only reason you would have for doing it is that you want to know the answer and thats not good enough of a reason for exposing the fetus to danger. Since the alternative is easy (wait until the baby is born) there is no reason to try to pursue this route. It is expensive to try to fight for this and it is unnecessary.

[BornToResist]

Thanks all! RC, that sounds like my plan then, if she persists.

 

Update: Ex never called today to deliver the results. I have a close relative who risked her job to get me the results. They were "Negative". She works in the admin dept. at the hospital. Guess when the results were in? The day she took the test, last week. I suspect she didn't call because in some sick way, she wants her lies to be true so she can get me in her life somehow. If she still insists, I will try this blood test, and speak to her gyno. Is there any chance the urinalysis is wrong? Just covering all the bases,

 

Thanks!

 

It sounds to me like she is definently not pregnant.

 

FYI, you won't be able to talk to her gyno. They have a doctor/patient confidentiality agreement.

 

I would just continue doing what you're doing. Don't stress, and if she brings it up again, tell her you refuse to talk to her about it until she shows you the results of a blood test done by her doctor. An authentic copy with her name on it, etc. She will probably just back off, or like another poster said, the "phantom miscarraige." Don't fall for it. Not pregnant until proven otherwise.

[Hope75]

Wow. It also amazes me to what lengths some people will go to in order to manipulate another person. She sounds sad and I hope she gets some help.

 

BTW, Your relative could get in big trouble for giving you those results though- she could get sued and prosecuted criminally for violating HIPAA policies. Not a good idea in the future.[-X