I finally let go, and took back control of the situation

[joeG]

For those of you that haven't read my original post, if you care to here it is..

.

 

It's been 3-4 weeks since the break. And 3-4 weeks of games on her part. From the beginning, I stopped calling. She initiated all contact, up until this afternoon. I got phone calls every other day with 20 ?'s "What girls are you talking to" "Are you going out everynight" etc.

 

I kept talking to her over the past few weeks, kept things casual, didn't talk much about the break. About a week ago, I started asking her "What do you want out of this situation", she couldn't tell me. I gave her plently of oppurtunities, but still, she couldn't tell me anything.

 

She told me a couple times "I dont even know what I want anymore" hinted stupid things like "You dont know where I want to transfer schools" meaning, she was thinking about coming with me afterall.

 

Well today, I broke. She called this afternoon, once again like everything was fine between us. I gave her one more chance, to tell me what she wanted, again, nothing came from it.

 

I had written her a letter a week ago, and held onto it and didn't send it til today. After a short phone convo, I told her I had sent her something, to get online and read it VERY carefully. We hung up. Here's the letter.

 

"XXXX-

 

I'm not doing this out of spite. I'm not doing this to be an * * * * * * *, or to try and hurt your feelings. I need an ending to this chapter we've had for the past year.

I know I told you if we were to ever split, I wanted to remain in your life. I just never thought I'd have to act on it. I don't know how to be your friend, and I'm not going to try and pretend I do. I can't pretend I don't love you and want to be with you. Iv'e tried, my hardest to make things work for us. I was willing to stay down there with you, just to have you in my life. You kept on saying you didn't ask me to stay because you "knew I didn't want to be there", when really alls I have wanted this past year, is you.

 

Something weird happened today. I had to run up to Kmart to get some * * * *, and had this flashback. Of us trucking up to the K to get you snow boots, so we could play in the snow. And, I actually smiled. I remembered the stupid * * * * we used to do to entertain ourselves, and it made me realize something. It made me see, that all those memories of me and you, are mine. No one can ever take that away. No matter where we are, 10 years from now, i'll always hold onto those memories.

 

Maybe your mom was right, I was "just your way out". If nothing else, I know I proved to you the man I am, and the man I will always be. I held you when no one else was there, and did what I could to put a smile on your face. If anything comes from this, I hope I showed you, you are worth a lot more than you ever thought you were. You're a beautiful person, and your looks are an add-on to who you really are. You've helped me grow, and I hope I did the same for you.

 

As much as I want to keep you in my life XXXXX, I can't, not right now. The wounds are fresh, and hearing your voice only gives me false hope. We went through so much XXXX. We faught and struggled to keep this love real, and we always pulled through. Everynight you laid your head down on my shoulder, and it made the fight worth it. I know, we reunited for a reason girl. And if was just for this past year we've had, ya know what I can deal with that. We've fed off eachother, and pulled eachother through time and time again. I'll never forget that night you walked back into my life, ever. As much as this hurts, you've given me so much. You used to always tell me how much Iv'e showed you about yourself, and I don't know if you've realized it, but you gave me just as much. No one has ever opened my eyes, the way you did.

 

For the past 3 weeks, Iv'e been holding on from a distance. Waiting for that phone call from you sayin "I made a mistake, lets make things right". I can't do this * * * * to myself anymore. I can't keep playing phone tag with you, having your voice fill this void you left me with. I'm not mad at you, I'm not holding anything against you. I just can't keep trying to analyze your words/actions. I can't keep trying to figure out what's going on inside your head.

 

I wake up every morning and put a smile on my face. I go out to the bars and * * * *, have a good time, but I can't help but feel like something is missing. Since the day we split, something has been missing from my life. I still feel you, in my heart. I still see you by my side. Not being able to reach out and touch you, pulls me back. Makes me realize I can't keep holding on if you're not pulling back.

 

I love you, you know that. And I will always hold you in my heart XXXXX. But I'm putting it out there now, I'm holding my hand out...and it's your choice if you want to take it or not. I want to work this out, I want you to be my girl. I know its not the easiest thing to work out right now, but if it's for real, * * * * will work. If you can't do that. I gotta let go. I need to move on with my life, do what I need. And you do too. You know as well as I do girl, me and you can't be friends, not right now. Right now, alls I know how to be, is your boyfriend. The one you held onto, the one you needed to hold you, the one you needed to hear its ok from. If you're not feeling that, I respect that. But if that's the case, this is the end. When I no longer wake up wanting to hear your voice, wanting you in my arms, I'll let you know, believe that. And if by that time, it's too late, and you don't want to rekindle a friendship, I'll understand.

 

If I don't hear from you. Good luck babygirl. Keep your head up, and don't take any * * * *. Know that I believe in you, and know you're worth nothing but the best.

 

Loving you always

XXXXXX"

 

She called back, about a half an hour later, I answered, and heard nothing but TV in the background. I said hello a couple more times, and choking her words and trying to breath, I hear her breaking down crying. I don't say anything....she's sobbering trying to get words out and I hear "So you're telling me if I dont want to be with you right now, you wont be in my life", I didn't say a word. It hurt, to hear her like that, but I couldn't sit and try to explain it anymore. Crying and choking on her words, she tells me she has to go. We hang up.

 

I guess what makes this so hard, is we really didn't have a messy break. We stayed close, and held on to one another. Iv'e always wanted to help her through her past, and show her a better future. It just sucks this is how things have turned out.

 

I'm not gonna lie, for the past 3-4 weeks Iv'e been holding on from a distance, contimplating if I should send the letter or not. This girl is my best friend, and I care deeply about her. I don't know if/when I'll hear from her again, but Im hoping in the meantime I can finally take back what pride I have left and move on with my life, with or without her.

 

My plans have taken a turn. I was going to move back in a few weeks to my homestate, but I gotta call from my sister in law for a promising job, on a movie set for a month, for a decent amount of cash. So I'll be moving, down there for a month to do that. Mind you, this is my ex's aunt, the place we met...so it's going to be hard. And now instead of being 7 hours away from her, I'll be 4, so I hope I can hold onto this strength and keep to my word.

 

I almost felt like I had more control before I sent this letter. I was expecting her to either, call back telling me she wanted to give it another go, or call back, call me every name in the book and hang up.

 

Her calling in tears, was the last thing I expected, so Im a little distraught. But Im hanging in there. If things don't work out, I hope one day we can be in eachothers lives, because regardless of my feelings now, she's been through hell, and I hope one day she'll do herself a favor, and get out.

 

This board has kept me sane for the past couple weeks. And I want to thank everyone for the advice/opinions/and help they've given me.

[sfindependent]

man, coming from one guy to another. I feel your situation, sincerely. And it breaks my heart knowing other people are going through the same situation as I am right now. I dont have the courage to take that leap. I thought I did last night, but I know I can't be selfish enough to leave my ex in this trying times in her life. I will stay for her, even if it hurts for now.

[joeG]

I feel you bro. And a part of me wishes, I didn't send it. I WANT to be there for her, she's in a bad situation, with her family life and all.

 

But I can't pretend. I'm going back and forth with feelings right now, and it's weird cuz before I sent the letter, I was fine. I went out, hung out with new people, did my thing. Now, I almost feel like Im letting her down.

 

I AM her rock. And pretty much the only person in her life, she can come to for anything, but I don't want to feel like Im just there "if she needs me". I didn't think Id get the reaction I did out of her, and don't know if its good or bad. But Im to the point where, I feel like she really doesn't know what she wants right now.

 

I figure, maybe me cutting contact, and not being a part of her life for a while, will help her figure it out. I just hope Im doing the right thing.

[heloladies21]

Good for you man, you did what you had to do. Make sure you read the right things into her return call. She didn't say anything about wanting to be with you, so she basically verified that she doesn't want you. It's not as harsh as cussing you out, but the net effect is the same.

 

Now that you have your answer, the most important thing is to believe it. Now it's time to concentrate on moving forward because if she changes her mind she'll let you know, and she'd have to have a pretty good excuse for what changed her mind. It's very possible that she'll contact you again trying to snoop around. Make sure you cut to the chase, don't try and read into her words,be very upfront and direct about confronting her on if she's contacting you to get back together or not.

[joeG]

Thanks bro. You know your advice means a lot.

 

I have a feeling within the next couple days, she'll be calling.

Should I answer? I never thought things would be this hard. Iv'e been so strong from the get go, now its like I dont know what the next move is.

 

Regardless, Im going to move on with my life, I guess I just dont what to expect. I'm going to be living with her family. Her aunt, knows what's going on, and has told me "Figure it out before you come, cuz when you get here, you wont have time to think about * * * *". Which, I guess will be a good thing.

 

Im already stressing this desicion. I don't know if that letter was right, or at least, at the right time.

[heloladies21]

If you think you're strong enough to confront her right at the beginning of the conversation and ask her if she's calling to get back together with you, then respond. But if not, then skip the calls as it will only confuse you by getting you to overanalyze everything she says, trying to read into her hidden meanings that only leads to false hope.

[joeG]

so she called this morning. i was half asleep, and hungover..didn't even look at the caller ID, just answered. Didn't think she'd be calling that early anyway.

 

So I say hello, and first thing I hear is "Why did you call me lastnight" I replied with "Umm, I didn't". Which I didn't. She leaves that alone, and says "So you're gonna be just like every other person in my life and walk away?".

 

By this time I start to wake up, and should of just ended the conversation. I told her I tried to get an answer out of her for the past week, and that was the only thing I had left to do, was the letter. Seems she finally had a light bulb go off in her head. Tells me, she really hasn't known what to tell me, that she just figured we'd keep in contact like we agreed, and just see where things went from there.

 

Then out of no where says "This song makes me cry". She's so random with * * * *. Tells me the song says something along the lines of "I fell in love with you with that first kiss" (Talking about me). She starts to cry....

 

Asks me why I told her before I moved, that no matter what happened between us Id be there for her. (We've all said it). Tells me she really doesn't know what she wants. How she's stressed about school and work etc. Continues to cry for most of the conversation.

 

I told her I had to go, and that was that.

[heloladies21]

I know my man, just make sure you understand the big picture of her conversation. Nowhere in there did she say she wants to get back together with you, so make sure you see it that way. Basically she used you as her emotional garbage can and vented on you.

 

She did disrespect you too though, because you did request to keep out of touch unless she was interested in getting back together with you, right? If someone did that to me, I'd be pretty upset because my request is not being requested.

[sfindependent]

Yeah, we're all in the same boat. I got dumped more than 6weeks ago, always had contact. The other night at 730, I finally said I was sick of it, and told her i'll talk to her in a few days.She called that same evening at 1230 and asked if i was "OK". I was like, yeah, and then explained in a better tone, that all I want is to feel as important as she said I was. And then we hung up.

Next day,10am, she called me and the first thing in her mouth was "yes, u are important". So ended up talking to her on the phone the rest of the day.

She invited me out sat. (instead of sun., when we originally planned to go out) and talked on the phone before we met up. I told her "I have a feeling you still love me but you're afraid of the consequences" and she said yes. That same night at the restaurant, we talked and she started crying, and then on the way home, she says "I'm just angry at the world, including you" so I was like, "ok, its a long drive, lets get the anger out" we ended up shouting and finally I said, did that make you feel better?" and she said no. Dropped her off, and she said she wants to be friends, that she doesnt love me anymore, and doesnt think of me the same way and that we can neverbe together in THAT WAY, I said I still had "emotional attachment to her". And then she said, "lets talk in a week" I said, lets keep it a "couple of days" and she said, ok. I'll ring you, and i said, no "ill ring you". Ended up calling her 1st day in the wee morning but didnt call her the rest of the day till the next day (today) so for me, i wanted to call her, make sure she was fine with her day, but lo and behold, she calls me up all cheery and stuff. I was completely weirded out... She knows i cant be friends...

 

women, man. lol. love em and they'll drive you crazy.